Is "Can I let you know if I am free" always a date rejection?

[Philosopher]

Over the past few years in which I have been dating, when I have asked someone for a second date I have got quite a few responses in which they have said they will need to let me know whether they are free. For example they might say they need to check their diary or that have a cold and they will let me tomorrow whether they can make it.

 

 

The thing is that every time this has occurred they have never got back to me and if I try to chase them up they usually either ignore me or subsequently say they are not free and do not offer an alternative date.

 

 

Therefore is my assumption that the I will check my diary and variations of it is a rejection always correct? Does anyone have a situation in which they have got this sort of reply and it has resulted in a date?

 

 

The reason I am asking this is because a girl I dated a couple of days ago has just said she has man flu and will get back to me on whether she can make it and therefore I would like to know how best to proceed.

[bpb2017]

every time this has occurred they have never got back to me

 

Great observation, but it seems you haven't fully picked up on this!

 

Imagine if you were in her shoes. How would you answer if you were or weren't into her? If the girl likes you (even a little) she'll either say yes or "how about on xxx instead" (alternative) if she's busy in that time.

 

"Check my diary", "I have a cold", "not looking for a relationship right now", "I'm dead" — these are all womanese for no. Take the hint bro! Think of it as a good thing, you just saved the $100 that you would have spent on a dinner date for a girl that wouldn't prove fruitful.

[Miss Spider]

Lol @ womanese!!

 

Yeah, They are always soft no's/rejections. Guys use them too. Like bpb said, say you met a girl you liked and she asked you out. Would you not only skip out on seeing her, but also leave her hanging, leaving open the strong potential for her to get swooped up by someone else or lose interest? Nope.. I'm the [extremely rare] event that you really were having a crazy week you would explain and try to secure a date in advance

[act00]

We can definitely agree that a majority of the time these are soft no's, but it most certainly can be a valid reason, so I think that you should continue to follow up, at least once. She put the ball in her court with an "I'll let you know," and if she doesn't follow through, that could be a sign, but we run into issues of playing coy, not wanting to seem too eager, wanting the man to pursue her, so having not heard from her, you can probably expect nothing to progress, but it will probably do your mind better to extend yourself one more time so that you don't end up wondering, "What if." This is really for your peace of mind, and you are demonstrating you're interested, if by chance her life exploded, she lost/broke her phone and lost your number, etc.

 

On that thought, game-playing tactics may be your line in the sand to draw, so if she doesn't follow through like she said she would, don't bother.

 

I'm personally a "one last try" kind of a person. One, maybe two texts/phone call with no response or vague interest, I drop the rope...hint taken, but in my mind, it makes me feel better that I tried (I'm a girl).

[Gr8fuln2020]

I just SO dislike when people feel like they cannot be honest. It helps to avoid ambiguity. Anyway, it doesn't ALWAYS mean that they are not interested especially if you have a specific day/time in mind. She may actually need to figure out if that time works. BUT...

 

With my most recent 'friend', I asked her out for another date before the end of the first. She said yes and then we continued our conversation until the end of the date. When things are going so well, I simply go for it. Some people, I would imagine, are not comfortable with that, but I suggested the next meeting but offered a couple of options for day/time. I find that is helpful. If there is balking with all of the options, then I suspect that they are not interested.

[smackie9]

If it's anything but "yes", it's a no.

[bpb2017]

extend yourself one more time so that you don't end up wondering, "What if." This is really for your peace of mind, and you are demonstrating you're interested

 

This is bad advice, he is only going to get a no a second time. Also, she already knows that he's interested — anything more will make it seem like he has nothing else going for him.

If Mario Lopez got a no from a girl do you think he'd chase after her, or move on (and think nothing of it)?

[act00]

This is bad advice, he is only going to get a no a second time. Also, she already knows that he's interested — anything more will make it seem like he has nothing else going for him.

If Mario Lopez got a no from a girl do you think he'd chase after her, or move on (and think nothing of it)?

 

So what if he gets a "no" a second time or radio silence. He tried...or maybe he decides to toss in the towel and not try. My words are not God, just my opinion.

 

Who the hell is Mario Lopez, and why is he so phenomenal that his opinion is the end-all, be-all? Are we all supposed to be emulating Mario Lopez and his opinions? He must be famous, so I'm guessing he has all kinds of women fawning all over him, so he's definitely a good litmus test on reality for the average Joe. (Not)

 

I stated my opinion. The OP can choose accordingly how to proceed. I think we all agree that a non-committal who doesn't follow through expediently is probably a no-go, but there's always a BUT, and I, personally, don't like looking back thinking, "what if," or "I could have," or "I should have," so I will put in that effort (one or two calls or texts) and I will advise the same depending on the story presented. I expect the OP or any reader to take my advice with a grain of salt and whether or not they think it works for them or if it works within their personal circumstances.

 

Free weeds, U-pick!

Edited September 16, 2017 by act00

[SevenCity]

So what if he gets a "no" a second time or radio silence. He tried...or maybe he decides to toss in the towel and not try. My words are not God, just my opinion.

 

Who the hell is Mario Lopez, and why is he so phenomenal that his opinion is the end-all, be-all? Are we all supposed to be emulating Mario Lopez and his opinions? He must be famous, so I'm guessing he has all kinds of women fawning all over him, so he's definitely a good litmus test on reality for the average Joe. (Not)

 

I stated my opinion. The OP can choose accordingly how to proceed. I think we all agree that a non-committal who doesn't follow through expediently is probably a no-go, but there's always a BUT, and I, personally, don't like looking back thinking, "what if," or "I could have," or "I should have," so I will put in that effort (one or two calls or texts) and I will advise the same depending on the story presented. I expect the OP or any reader to take my advice with a grain of salt and whether or not they think it works for them or if it works within their personal circumstances.

 

Free weeds, U-pick!

 

Point being made was that if a famous good looking guy got a maybe he would not pursue. This should be the same for the average Joe as well.

 

It's less about if she is busy or not, it's more about her interest level in you.

 

You should not settle for a girl who is "meh" about you. You'll work a lot harder, have less fun, and can make less mistakes. Conversely, you'll have more fun, can make more mistakes, and the date will be effortless when her interest is high.

 

You may successfully get a girl out who's not totally interested but will end up wasting your time and money likely giving her free food / entertainment for the evening and have nothing to show for it.

 

Smackie, as usual, has hit the nail on the head. Unless it's a yes it's a no.

 

When you date women who have a high interest in you, you will have no patience for women who don't.

 

I went out with a girl a few weeks ago and she postponed then cancelled our second date (despite texting me several times in between). I deleted her number and focus my efforts on women who have a higher interest.

 

The last girl I went out with was literally tripping and falling into my arms. I went for the kiss right there.

 

Guess which one was more fun?

[preraph]

You can't say it's always invalid, but what you can do is leave it to them to contact you once they've checked their calendar or are feeling better and if they don't, they're not interested.

[act00]

Point being made was that if a famous good looking guy got a maybe he would not pursue. This should be the same for the average Joe as well.

 

It's less about if she is busy or not, it's more about her interest level in you.

 

You should not settle for a girl who is "meh" about you. You'll work a lot harder, have less fun, and can make less mistakes. Conversely, you'll have more fun, can make more mistakes, and the date will be effortless when her interest is high.

 

You may successfully get a girl out who's not totally interested but will end up wasting your time and money likely giving her free food / entertainment for the evening and have nothing to show for it.

 

Smackie, as usual, has hit the nail on the head. Unless it's a yes it's a no.

 

When you date women who have a high interest in you, you will have no patience for women who don't.

 

I went out with a girl a few weeks ago and she postponed then cancelled our second date (despite texting me several times in between). I deleted her number and focus my efforts on women who have a higher interest.

 

The last girl I went out with was literally tripping and falling into my arms. I went for the kiss right there.

 

Guess which one was more fun?

 

Famous people have people fawning all over them and willing to sleep with them at every turn. It's easy to turn down "maybes" because there are a "baker's dozen" waiting in the wings. If Mario Lopez, the wonderful, wonderman of the new god of everything spectacular in 2017 was interested in a particular girl, and not some groupie, he might make that extra call, and that woman would have to be willingly ready to walk into a minefield of paparazzi, celebrity gossip, and groupies who are going to be all over her husband, and the sexy movie scenes, nudity, dangerous stunts. Mario the wondergod is dealing with a totally different set of circumstances. Having a private life as a celebrity takes major work and effort. You can never compare a celebrity lifestyle to that of a regular human being living a normal, every day life. You can't compare apples to oranges.

 

Do what you want to do. The OP can extend one more ask or not. I maintain my opinion that it's worth one more ask, and then drop the rope. I did it this weekend. Dating sucks sometimes.

[Steve51]

When I was a young man during the time dinosaurs roamed the earth, that meant one of two things; either you want to see if you can do better or an easy way to say no. It is used much as the "I need a break or separation" is avoid a more ugly situation.

[Miss Spider]

I love the celebrity analogies that always pop up. Would a good looking celebrity man pursue a woman who told him "maybe"? I know for a fact he would bc I have seen it happen with my own eyes. Celebrities are so egotistic and used to getting their way that a person who 'maybes' them would drive them absolutely crazy.

 

 

Also have to remember most celebrities seriously date within their league. So he's trying to get a woman who has plenty o options too

 

Asking a second time doesn't hurt, and you might get a date, but I think you will unequivocally be getting a date with someone very low interest...Hopefully you can wow them when you pin them down.

[kendahke]

Is "Can I let you know if I am free" always a date rejection?

 

When you say it, is it date rejection?

[The Urbanyst]

If it's anything but "yes", it's a no.

 

This is usually true.

 

Even in cases when a "maybe" is not a "no" do you really want to be someone's Plan B or second choice? I don't.

 

There have been times when I asked a girl out and she gives me a "maybe" or a "lets touch base the day of" nonsense. When I get that, I just move on. Sometimes after a week or so she will come back and start chasing me. But by then I've usually moved on from seeing her as a potential relationship, so I would either ignore her or try to invite her over for sex lol.

[smackie9]

 

so I would either ignore her or try to invite her over for sex lol.

 

...........................

[kendahke]

This is bad advice, he is only going to get a no a second time.

 

So he's owed a yes and she has no say so in whether or not she wants to see him again? That's a bit of a one sided way of looking at someone else's right to her own autonomy.

 

Whatever happened to adults deciding for themselves with whom they want to be in a relationship? EV.ER.Y.ONE is entitled to their preferences and if after meeting them in person once, she decides not to pursue anything with you, you have to accept that.

 

If Mario Lopez got a no from a girl do you think he'd chase after her, or move on (and think nothing of it)?

 

It depends upon the girl and how the girl makes him feel about himself.

 

Not every man with money and looks is desirable enough to want to be with for any length of time.

[Philosopher]

I just SO dislike when people feel like they cannot be honest. It helps to avoid ambiguity. Anyway, it doesn't ALWAYS mean that they are not interested especially if you have a specific day/time in mind. She may actually need to figure out if that time works. BUT...

 

Absolutely agree. I actually prefer ghosting to this sort of ambiguous response. At least with ghosting, if you have not received a response after a day you can safely assume they are not interested. However with the "I will get back to you response", you are left in the dark for what can be several days, not knowing whether the date will happen. Being straight up honest, might be painful at first, but at least you know where you are with them.

 

Anyway, I have sent her a message saying I think it is best if we don't meet up. I think it is most likely that she is not interested, or at best I am her plan B.

[Bastile]

Imagine if you were in her shoes.

 

Yes, imagine.

 

Imagine you were in her high-heels, thinking and acting like a woman.

 

Nope. It's different. Men decide real quick where they stand. Women often invest less at the beginning as standard.

 

You are nothing to a woman until you've had sex with her. Remember that.

 

Have had a few times where a woman went from low-interest to soon change her tune. It's not always smooth "Coach Corey Wayne" sailing.

 

Who by the way has never shown any attractive women, has a head shaped like a melon, and has no sort of attractive vibe whatsoever (I can usually tell when a man will do well or not, and he has no characteristic value at all).

 

 

 

How would you answer if you were or weren't into her?

 

He's a man, not a woman.

 

If the girl likes you (even a little) she'll either say yes or "how about on xxx instead" (alternative) if she's busy in that time.

 

It's not about "like".

 

Change your word "like", for "useful".

 

If the girl is useful she'll...

 

Then find more girls. She drops down the list.

 

Don't think that you aren't on her list, or that she doesn't have one either.

 

 

"Check my diary", "I have a cold", "not looking for a relationship right now", "I'm dead" — these are all womanese for no.

 

Agreed. Then you chase other skirt instead.

 

You come back around to her if/when you are bored. Low-investment ping (if you remember).

 

Not sure why so rigid?

 

Take the hint bro! Think of it as a good thing, you just saved the $100 that you would have spent on a dinner date for a girl that wouldn't prove fruitful.

 

Maybe the fact that you are spending hundreds on dates is why you believe the stakes are so high?

 

Lower your investment, Sir.

 

Lower your financial investment. Lower your ego investment. Lower your emotional investment.

 

This is bad advice, he is only going to get a no a second time.

 

So what?

 

Also, she already knows that he's interested — anything more will make it seem like he has nothing else going for him.

 

Again, so what?

 

Why so risk averse?

 

The male superpower is indifference.

 

If Mario Lopez got a no from a girl do you think he'd chase after her, or move on (and think nothing of it)?

 

I don't know who that is, or much about his sex life.

[bpb2017]

Tough crowd.

 

I mentioned Mario Lopez because of the attitude a confident guy would have (I'm surprised that nobody here has heard of the guy, he's usually used as a reference on TV). Instead of dwelling on a girl that doesn't have much interest in the OP, the OP should be focusing on women that actually like him. When a girl hints that she's not interested, a confident guy would just accept it immediately and not care about the "what ifs". Are people here thinking that men must receive a formal letter stating no interest? I'm starting to think that some of you women might actually be men . You should always pick up on the hints, and be fluent in womanese — I'm sure most women would appreciate it as well.

 

Bastile, the OP mentioned that it's woman that he has trouble after the coffee date, so this would be in the dinner date period where the investment starts ($100+). It may be risk-averse at the start but you are taking risk after.

 

Whatever, it seems like many think that when a man has confidence and doesn't act like putty in her hands that somehow it is anti-woman or something.

[itsanything]

This is usually true.

 

Even in cases when a "maybe" is not a "no" do you really want to be someone's Plan B or second choice? I don't.

 

There have been times when I asked a girl out and she gives me a "maybe" or a "lets touch base the day of" nonsense. When I get that, I just move on. Sometimes after a week or so she will come back and start chasing me. But by then I've usually moved on from seeing her as a potential relationship, so I would either ignore her or try to invite her over for sex lol.

 

Maybe and touch base on day of both can be legitimate. I'm in a MBA Program and there is very little time for anything other than group work and studying. There is this girl I've asked twice to go out and the first time was a maybe pending studying and the second time was check in day of since she had friends coming in from out of town to drink and celebrate her birthday with. I'm 99% sure she was telling the truth. She has come out to hang with me and classmates for social drinking late at night on weekends. Weekdays everyone is pretty much dead though. Even though I'm sure they were legitimate reasons I still told her that she should let me know when she's free (that way I don't waste my time if she isn't interested-basically balls in her court). I would not be able to ignore her since she sits behind me in just about every class.

[Philosopher]

Are people here thinking that men must receive a formal letter stating no interest? I'm starting to think that some of you women might actually be men . You should always pick up on the hints, and be fluent in womanese — I'm sure most women would appreciate it as well.

 

I am not expecting a formal letter of no interest. But seriously how hard can it be to tell someone there was no chemistry and therefore there should be no date. The problem with ambiguous responses, is that although in most cases it is a rejection, from what some others have said you can never be 100% sure this is the case.

 

In my case I eventually concluded she was not interested based on what most posters have said and my previous experience of these sort of situations, however I can't be certain this is the case. It may be, though unlikely, that she was genuinely was ill, in which case I blew it.

 

I think it would be easier for both sides if people where honest with their intentions. The person being rejected would know where he or she stands while the person doing the rejecting would be less likely to receive messages trying to convince them to go on a date.

[Popsicle]

Yes I think it is a rejection, but the person saying it just doesn't know it. They are trying to keep you in the line up as an option, but definitely not numero uno/the one.

[fred123]

Yes I think it is a rejection, but the person saying it just doesn't know it. They are trying to keep you in the line up as an option, but definitely not numero uno/the one.

 

The person saying it doesnt know it?! I think they know what they are doing mate

[SevenCity]

Yes, imagine.

 

Imagine you were in her high-heels, thinking and acting like a woman.

 

Nope. It's different. Men decide real quick where they stand. Women often invest less at the beginning as standard.

 

You are nothing to a woman until you've had sex with her. Remember that.

 

Have had a few times where a woman went from low-interest to soon change her tune. It's not always smooth "Coach Corey Wayne" sailing.

 

Who by the way has never shown any attractive women, has a head shaped like a melon, and has no sort of attractive vibe whatsoever (I can usually tell when a man will do well or not, and he has no characteristic value at all).

 

 

 

 

 

He's a man, not a woman.

 

 

 

It's not about "like".

 

Change your word "like", for "useful".

 

If the girl is useful she'll...

 

Then find more girls. She drops down the list.

 

Don't think that you aren't on her list, or that she doesn't have one either.

 

 

 

 

Agreed. Then you chase other skirt instead.

 

You come back around to her if/when you are bored. Low-investment ping (if you remember).

 

Not sure why so rigid?

 

 

 

Maybe the fact that you are spending hundreds on dates is why you believe the stakes are so high?

 

Lower your investment, Sir.

 

Lower your financial investment. Lower your ego investment. Lower your emotional investment.

 

 

 

So what?

 

 

 

Again, so what?

 

Why so risk averse?

 

The male superpower is indifference.

 

 

 

I don't know who that is, or much about his sex life.

 

Bastile - from your posts it appears you don't have a shortage of women. That said, what percent of low interest girls became high interest for you? I'm willing to bet it was extremely low in the grand scheme of your escapades.

 

That's the advice most are trying to give here - it's playing the averages and not wasting resources (time / money / emotion) on a low interest girl as it will likely end up with nothing.

 

It's also a completely different situation to have a girl low interest before a first date than afterwards. I'm a firm believer that it's possible to turn around interest on a date (personality, look better in person then old pics, etc), but once you've had a chance to "win her over" and she is still low interest, it's nearly impossible.

 

In my youth I used to try much harder. I remember asking more than one time to get a girl out and finally succeeding and ultimately having sex with her.

 

Perhaps now I'm old or lazy, but I just can't be bothered. Unless she is excited to see me I completely lose interest. I've even rejected women who were excited but the road to copulation was just too much of an uphill battle.

 

I want to build a lasting relationship which starts best with high interest. If the end game is just sex, the "hard sell" may work sometimes but it's just too much trouble for me.

 

So I'm not saying you're wrong, but I would personally rather spend my time with my friends, my dog, watching tv than taking out a low interest woman.