Will she leave me eventually?

[CrappyLife]

I am 21 years old this year, and my gf is 22. I met her about 2 years ago, and we hit it off very well so we got together quick. At the beginning, we had a lot of fun together boozing and partying out to the wee hours. She would often also crash at my house. These soon invited the attention of her conservative family that was unaware of my existence.

 

Soon, my gf introduced me to her family indirectly by inviting me and a bunch of her friends over to her house. I felt that I presented myself quite well in front of her family that time though she did not say I was her bf.

 

I remember it was another day we were out partying. I stayed about an hour away from her, so she invited me over to her house to crash. She did text her mom about it, but it was 1 am and everybody was asleep. I crashed anyway. But crap sure hit the roof in the morning as soon as her family found me in the house sleeping in the same room as their daughter. Things were never the same since then at least for her.

 

As soon as her family found out about me. Her tech savvy brother searched the entire internet for everything he can find about me. I will admit it now, I am not the smartest person. I dropped out of high school. Fearing for my future, my parents enrolled me for private tertiary classes, but I just was not the studying type, and dropped out too. I tried to get in the army, but I had a bad leg so they rejected me as well. All of these plus the fact that we were often out partying obvious raised an alert to her family. I am currently a conscript for my country getting a few hundred allowance per month.

 

Yes, they objected to us, and they objected real badly. There was once she was having dinner with me and switched off her phone because her mother kept asking about her whereabouts. They actually took the chance to call the cops to report her as missing. Yeah, that was how much they hated me. It also didn't help tat she picked up smoking recently...

 

They objected to us going overseas together, but we went anyway. Eventually, she had a big fight with her family. I remembered she cried a lot, and my parents offered to let her stay with us. There was a time her father wanted to speak to me, but I chickened out the last second.

 

Things are really bad now. It has been more than a year since that big fight, and her family still refuses to acknowledge my existence. I am not allowed to their house, and I am not been invited to any of their family event, and it is a taboo to even mention me. Her brother has even completely stopped talking to her for more than a year already.

 

On my side, she spends every 1 of her free days with me. Like literally every one of her off days she would come over and crash at my house. She has started studying university after her mother agreed to pay for the fees.

 

However, I wonder about the future. I think we screwed up real bad, and we are just running away so I wonder if she would leave me eventually?

Edited September 15, 2017 by CrappyLife

[Gaeta]

YOU screwed up big time when you cancel speaking with her dad last minute when he extended a hand to you to finally communicate.

 

You also showed very little respect for her parents by sleeping in their house without their knowledge and going against their will at every corner. Your girlfriend may be 22 but she is living under their roof and is financially dependant of them.

 

If you have any common sense in your head you won't run away with this girl. You're going to act like a MAN and reach to her dad and have a man to man conversation like ADULTS people do.

 

You also need a better plan for yourself. Living on some money sent to you from another country at 21 isn't speaking highly of you. I understand you are not good at school then learn a trade! go on a 18 months course and become a welder, or plumber, or a carpenter or anything to make an honest living on.

[whatnot]

aside from the parents hating you, the partying, the drinking, and the cops bein involved....that's what caught my eye above all else as well.....you dodging the dad.

 

Until you can face him....no Shangri La for either of you.

[whatnot]

You're screen name....I don't blame ya for not wanting to talk to your g/f's daddy

 

Hate bein' so honest with ya

[Redhead14]

I am 21 years old this year, and my gf is 22. I met her about 2 years ago, and we hit it off very well so we got together quick. At the beginning, we had a lot of fun together boozing and partying out to the wee hours. She would often also crash at my house. These soon invited the attention of her conservative family that was unaware of my existence.

 

Soon, my gf introduced me to her family indirectly by inviting me and a bunch of her friends over to her house. I felt that I presented myself quite well in front of her family that time though she did not say I was her bf.

 

I remember it was another day we were out partying. I stayed about an hour away from her, so she invited me over to her house to crash. She did text her mom about it, but it was 1 am and everybody was asleep. I crashed anyway. But crap sure hit the roof in the morning as soon as her family found me in the house sleeping in the same room as their daughter. Things were never the same since then at least for her.

 

As soon as her family found out about me. Her tech savvy brother searched the entire internet for everything he can find about me. I will admit it now, I am not the smartest person. I dropped out of high school. Fearing for my future, my parents enrolled me for private tertiary classes, but I just was not the studying type, and dropped out too. I tried to get in the army, but I had a bad leg so they rejected me as well. All of these plus the fact that we were often out partying obvious raised an alert to her family. I am currently a conscript for my country getting a few hundred allowance per month.

 

Yes, they objected to us, and they objected real badly. There was once she was having dinner with me and switched off her phone because her mother kept asking about her whereabouts. They actually took the chance to call the cops to report her as missing. Yeah, that was how much they hated me. It also didn't help tat she picked up smoking recently...

 

They objected to us going overseas together, but we went anyway. Eventually, she had a big fight with her family. I remembered she cried a lot, and my parents offered to let her stay with us. There was a time her father wanted to speak to me, but I chickened out the last second.

 

Things are really bad now. It has been more than a year since that big fight, and her family still refuses to acknowledge my existence. I am not allowed to their house, and I am not been invited to any of their family event, and it is a taboo to even mention me. Her brother has even completely stopped talking to her for more than a year already.

 

On my side, she spends every 1 of her free days with me. Like literally every one of her off days she would come over and crash at my house. She has started studying university after her mother agreed to pay for the fees.

 

However, I wonder about the future. I think we screwed up real bad, and we are just running away so I wonder if she would leave me eventually?

 

While there are stories of young lovers going the distance, it's pretty rare that your first love is your last. People grow and change, mature, hopefully, and at some point, they realize that it's a big world out there and they want to explore it all and see what their options are.

 

Running away together will create what's called a "trauma bond". Sharing a stressful, emotionally charged experience together. That rarely lasts because as the endorphins and excitement of the event passes, the reality of their situation comes to the forefront of their minds and it's overwhelming.

 

But, if you are bent on running away with her, you need to do it with faith and hope and be focused on the fact that you two need to create a life for yourselves without the support of family and that's important. You'll be on your own. Be prepared to totally man up and do it quickly.

 

Remember, you will be taking her away from her education and preparations for her future that would, hopefully, make a rich, fulfilling life for her.

 

And, when you do that, you will owe it to her to make sure that you can provide a life that matches what she could have had or had before. You are now responsible for her happiness and future. Are you up to that task?

[BaileyB]

What everyone else has said...

 

You have made some bad choices and shown little respect for her family.

 

You have both been behaving in an immature and rebellious manner. Your relationship was founded on a shared interest in partying and drinking to the wee hours of the morning. You both have a lot of growing up to do.

 

Nobody can predict the future. But, as has been said, it's rare that your first love is your lasting love.

[CrappyLife]

Oops, I don't mean running away literally, but running away from our problems. We kinda been just shutting off whatever we don't wanna hear and living our lives that way.

 

I mean I am fine with it because it doesn't affect me more than it affects her. My mom says she can move in anytime. But as for her family... I am afraid to deal with it.

 

You see she is an ungraduate now. Her brother is a graduate from a top school and is making decent money now. And even she knew that her family would hate me before even introducting me to them. Thus, she tried to hide me in the beginning. I am afraid what the future holds for us. I meant yeah, I may not have anything, but I guess I can become a cabbie like my father.

[BaileyB]

Oops, I don't mean running away literally, but running away from our problems. We kinda been just shutting off whatever we don't wanna hear and living our lives that way.

 

I mean I am fine with it because it doesn't affect me more than it affects her. My mom says she can move in anytime. But as for her family... I am afraid to deal with it.

 

You see she is an ungraduate now. Her brother is a graduate from a top school and is making decent money now. And even she knew that her family would hate me before even introducting me to them. Thus, she tried to hide me in the beginning. I am afraid what the future holds for us. I meant yeah, I may not have anything, but I guess I can become a cabbie like my father.

 

Why are you so resigned to your "crappy life." You are young - work hard, get a well paying job, go to school... Prove to her family that you are worthy of their respect and their daughter's affection.

 

Running away and not dealing with her family or your problems in life is a sign of immaturity and a sure way to fail at life.

[Redhead14]

OP. I painted your runaway scenario in a dark light because I want you to really, really think this out.

 

If you want to attempt continuing your relationship with her, you would be wise to man up with her parents. Face them head on, like a man and own up and accept responsibility for what happened instead of dodging it. Even if it doesn't go the way you hoped. It will make you a stronger person and, maybe, start rebuilding a level of respect from them. This happened a while ago and you could show them that you're not the same person you were then.

 

Owning your mistakes is the only way to move on from them and recover. Take the hits and consequences of poor decisions and learn from them. I always told my kids that if they made a bad decision, the disciplinary tact we would take would be "softer" if they came to us and told us and faced us than it would be if they tried to hide it or if we found out from someone else. If they showed us their inner strength and acknowledged and showed us that they understood that what they had done was wrong, we understood that whatever it was they did really was a mistake and not an inherent character flaw. It's really hard to be really mad when you're proud of the young man or woman standing in front of you.

 

I can't promise you that they would just take you in like nothing ever happened. It may take some more time for them to observe that you will respect their home and rules in the future. However, they were young once too. Hopefully, they'll kinda reflect on that a little.

Edited September 16, 2017 by Redhead14

[CrappyLife]

I wish it was that easy. I am in the army now, and I will be stucked there for the next year or so until my conscript finishes so there is not much I can do to prove myself since I am only getting a pittance to show. I only have my weekends off where she will crash at my home. Her parents are still extremely angry about her for sleeping over though.

 

And what do I do after that? My mom already spent her money to send me back to school that ended in me dropping out yet again. Meanwhile, she is gonna get her degree soon.

 

And from my understanding, her family doesn't even want to see me now. This is all going downhill for me.

 

Is it likely that she leaves me?

[BaileyB]

We can't answer that question.

 

Are you planning to stay in the army after this year? Does the army pay for education after your service?

 

Why is it that you are not able to go and apologize to her family on a weekend?

[Gaeta]

And from my understanding, her family doesn't even want to see me now. This is all going downhill for me.

 

Is it likely that she leaves me?

 

The 'now' is time to fix your life, get back on track, do something out of yourself, to show you are maturing and growing. They want their daughter to be with a 'man'. Not a teen boy that drops everything he starts. So instead of thinking of 'my life is screwed now' think about right now starting to rebuild yourself for 'tomorrow'.! Because they may not want to hear about you 'now' but if you do nothing then for sure they won't want to hear about you tomorrow.

[CrappyLife]

We can't answer that question.

 

Are you planning to stay in the army after this year? Does the army pay for education after your service?

 

Why is it that you are not able to go and apologize to her family on a weekend?

 

We are just conscripts getting a pittance of a couple of hundreds a month. I tried to get a job at the military but I couldn't because I have a bad leg. I will finish my service to my country and leave.

 

I don't think they wish to see me, she has told me that her family does not even want to see my face. In fact, the last time I saw her brother, he was so angry that he slapped her in front of me.

[Gaeta]

I don't think they wish to see me, she has told me that her family does not even want to see my face. In fact, the last time I saw her brother, he was so angry that he slapped her in front of me.

 

ok now.....what kind of culture are we looking at here?

[Redhead14]

I wish it was that easy. I am in the army now, and I will be stucked there for the next year or so until my conscript finishes so there is not much I can do to prove myself since I am only getting a pittance to show. I only have my weekends off where she will crash at my home. Her parents are still extremely angry about her for sleeping over though.

 

And what do I do after that? My mom already spent her money to send me back to school that ended in me dropping out yet again. Meanwhile, she is gonna get her degree soon.

 

And from my understanding, her family doesn't even want to see me now. This is all going downhill for me.

 

Is it likely that she leaves me?

 

Well, that's difficult to predict. She is an adult and can and should make her own decisions. However, she is receiving help and support from them for her education and housing, etc. She is bound by their rules and needs to respect them as long as she is accepting all that.

 

If she wants to stand on her own two feet and get out from under their rules, she needs to get a job, get financing for her education, find her own place to live and start being a mature, independent young woman. Plain and simple. When I was at the age you two are, actually earlier than that, having that kind of independence was a priority. Not because of any family rift, but because I was coming into my own. And, would have slept in a box under a bridge for a while if necessary until I had the means to move up in the world. I'm just saying, if she chooses you, she's gotta "man up".

 

And, yes, if she is smart, she will end the relationship while she is working on her journey to become and secure, independent woman. She is too young to tie herself down. You both have a long life in front of you and so much to explore.

 

But, I also think that, being the man in this relationship and reviewing where you are in your life, you should man up and let her go. Right now, you can't offer her the kind of life/dating scenario she deserves. She's obviously struggling/suffering with all this. Make it easier for her.

[smackie9]

Eventually life will make you both drift apart because you will be two different people with different goals and ambitions. It is what it is. Just enjoy the time that you have with her now and stop worrying.