Random Comment From An Ex On FB, Out Of Nowhere, Why?

[MarvelFan1]

So me and my ex have been split up for four months (I was the dumper), with the last 3 being NC, I removed her off FB etc, after 14 months together.

 

I have only seen her out twice, once at 3 months apart, as she was driving her car. I waved to be polite and she waved back. I was then told via a 3rd party that she took to her FB to say how seeing me ruined her day as I broke her.

 

The I saw her in her car again on Wednesday, (a month later at four months apart), so I waved and she blanked me, but I don't blame her, as she is back on the dating scene, and I'm the ex that dumped her.

 

Then tonight, out of the blue, on my FB I got a notification that she commented on my post I put on her wall, and it was an old one from this day last year, a meme saying how much I will always love her and never hurt her etc, and she commented underneath, "What a load of ****e".

 

Why post this now after 4 months apart and 3 of that NC?

 

My Mum says she is just doing it as a way to hurt me, as I'm the man who dumped her and told her he didn't love her anymore, me waving is just upsetting her.

 

Or is she doing it to try and get a response from me? (As we aren't friends I can reply anyway, even if I wanted too).

 

I doubt she has moved on and is still hurting about us splitting up, but it's just so out of the blue... Any ideas?

[elaine567]

Why post this now after 4 months apart and 3 of that NC?

 

Because when you hurt people by breaking up with them, they can hurt for a very long time.

[Maldives]

She's hurt that's why of course she's not over it dude. Why do u even care what she thinks since u dumped her?

[MarvelFan1]

She's hurt that's why of course she's not over it dude. Why do u even care what she thinks since u dumped her?

Because I'm still not over her, and I miss her, and feel guilty. I dumped her because I didn't love her anymore after how she was treating me. It's been hard trying to adjust to being single again and not having anyone. By being NC it makes it easier with time, but when I saw that notification out of the blue, it took me aback.

 

I don't know why I still have feelings for her, or why I think about reconciliation when I know the same problems will be there and I don't love her, I think... and I have to remember there is a difference between love and loneliness.

 

It just F'd with my mind when it happened last night.

[springy]

Probably one of those lovely “one year ago today” memories fb likes to push on your newsfeed that shocked & triggered her. She had a moment and released some emotions. Not really all that extraordinary. It’s only been four months. She’s still hurt & it popped up on her wall. Fb sucks like that. I bet her heart skipped a few beats when she logged in and that was the first thing she was greeted with. Same type of thing happened to me. I hated fb so much after my breakup.

[elaine567]

It's been hard trying to adjust to being single again and not having anyone.

 

Yes but no reason to go back to a relationship that wasn't working forr you..

14 Reasons Why Getting Back With Your Ex Is Emotional Suicide

 

#2. You might just be lonely.

If you feel lonely without a relationship, sometimes you can entertain the idea of getting back together simply because don't like being alone, not because you actually think you were better off with that person.

 

[SevenCity]

So me and my ex have been split up for four months (I was the dumper), with the last 3 being NC, I removed her off FB etc, after 14 months together.

 

I have only seen her out twice, once at 3 months apart, as she was driving her car. I waved to be polite and she waved back. I was then told via a 3rd party that she took to her FB to say how seeing me ruined her day as I broke her.

 

The I saw her in her car again on Wednesday, (a month later at four months apart), so I waved and she blanked me, but I don't blame her, as she is back on the dating scene, and I'm the ex that dumped her.

 

Then tonight, out of the blue, on my FB I got a notification that she commented on my post I put on her wall, and it was an old one from this day last year, a meme saying how much I will always love her and never hurt her etc, and she commented underneath, "What a load of ****e".

 

Why post this now after 4 months apart and 3 of that NC?

 

My Mum says she is just doing it as a way to hurt me, as I'm the man who dumped her and told her he didn't love her anymore, me waving is just upsetting her.

 

Or is she doing it to try and get a response from me? (As we aren't friends I can reply anyway, even if I wanted too).

 

I doubt she has moved on and is still hurting about us splitting up, but it's just so out of the blue... Any ideas?

 

I bolded the above as I have never left a woman that I said that to. Conversely I've had it said to me by all the women who left me.

 

As a man, you should choose your words more wisely and not say stuff based solely on emotion. I expect that from women, not from men.

 

To answer your question she is likely still hurt - more than you can ever know until you've been in her shoes. Last night I had a nightmare about my ex that left a year ago. I think it's because the timing coincides with what would have been our 8 year anniversary.

 

I'm sure you had reasons for ending things. Doesn't mean you cant have some compassion for someone who is hurting far more than you.

 

When you find yourself dumped by someone you really love you'll completely understand how she is feeling.

 

And ps: it was a load of s&@t, wasn't it?

[MarvelFan1]

Probably one of those lovely “one year ago today” memories fb likes to push on your newsfeed that shocked & triggered her. She had a moment and released some emotions. Not really all that extraordinary. It’s only been four months. She’s still hurt & it popped up on her wall. Fb sucks like that. I bet her heart skipped a few beats when she logged in and that was the first thing she was greeted with. Same type of thing happened to me. I hated fb so much after my breakup.

Ah that's a very good point. Yeah FB is a pain for that.

 

I bolded the above as I have never left a woman that I said that to. Conversely I've had it said to me by all the women who left me.

 

As a man, you should choose your words more wisely and not say stuff based solely on emotion. I expect that from women, not from men.

 

To answer your question she is likely still hurt - more than you can ever know until you've been in her shoes. Last night I had a nightmare about my ex that left a year ago. I think it's because the timing coincides with what would have been our 8 year anniversary.

 

I'm sure you had reasons for ending things. Doesn't mean you cant have some compassion for someone who is hurting far more than you.

 

When you find yourself dumped by someone you really love you'll completely understand how she is feeling.

 

And ps: it was a load of s&@t, wasn't it?

You're right, I should have picked my words/meme more carefully, and will definitely bare that in mind for the next woman I meet. She was all for posting memes like that all the time on FB, on each other's walls, I'd never been that way inclined before. All those memes will come back to bite her and me.

 

I think it's just because I wouldn't dream of posting something like that on anything old she put on my wall, I was shocked. But you're all right, she is probably really hurting, more than I know about.

 

Maybe blocking her on FB is the way to go. I though just unfriending her would be enough as she has stayed NC, but after last night...

 

And it is a load of **** looking back at it now, but at the time, in the honeymoon phase, I genuinely meant it. But as I say, I've learned my lesson for next time.

 

I just assumed she was over me as I was told she is back in the online dating scene, who knows.

Edited September 16, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[stockyoldfrump]

Yeah, I'd just block her.

 

I think you have to understand that, as the dumper, there's really no way you can understand how completely you've wrecked the person's life unless it's happened to you in a similarly invested relationship. That doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do, as ultimately it's always better to be honest with someone than to lead them on, but still...they're destroyed.

 

I've been the dumper and the dumpee, and no matter how much guilt or loneliness or doubt or discomfort you feel as the dumper, nothing compares to having someone you deeply, deeply love tell you they don't want you anymore. Nothing hurts worse than that. To think that you've given someone literally everything you have and that they would choose to walk away from you wrecks you on every level. And, odds are, the dumpee will still end up feeling huge amounts of guilt as well, cycling through every second of the relationship and blaming his/herself for the moments that might've caused the other person to walk away.

 

At some point, everyone who's been dumped basically goes into PTSD mode, including intense avoidance of everything related to the person or the happiness they lost. My girlfriend broke up with me a little under three months ago, and I still can't watch the TV shows we watched together, or visits the spots where we hung out, or wear some of the clothes I wore on special dates with her. But I have to go through this, because I need to essentially rebuild myself from the ground up as a system of entirely new memories, behaviors, and interactions that are entirely divorced from her. So does every person who's been dumped.

 

I think you seem to be behaving very considerately for the most part, maintaining no contact and letting her have that distance. Yes, she shouldn't be posting stuff on public forums and yes, if she can't handle facebook, she should just deactivate her account rather than engage with it in this way, but in the grand scheme of things, she's just a person who's really wounded, feels deeply betrayed, is probably suffering with every part of her life, and had a bad reaction to a bad moment.

 

Again, any time she's forced to see you, think of you, or interact with anyone who reminds her of you - especially if those memories are tied to your best moments together - is going to kill her and undermine the numbness she's trying to cultivate as it pertains to your time together. You can't take it personally. I'm sure seeing you ruined her day. I'm sure seeing that notification ruined her day. She's being reminded of something and someone she loved who walked away from her.

 

A week ago, I saw my ex-girlfriend's friend in an ice cream shop. I had ordered a milkshake and was sitting at a table waiting for it to come up. At some point I looked up and the friend was at the counter. I got up, left the restaurant, and just left the milkshake I had paid for. I don't know if she even saw me, but the mere act of being in a room with a person who I knew was talking to my ex regularly and would tell her she saw me RUINED me psychologically. That's not because I hate my ex, it's because I need to pretend she doesn't exist just to get through the day.

 

After my ex broke up with me she sent me a few weird e-mails, signing them love, telling me she missed me, telling me how great I was. I assume she sent them out of guilt or momentary confusion, or perhaps even out of genuine interest in my well being, but every single one of them wrecked me. Because, again, I need to pretend she doesn't exist just to get through the day.

 

Your ex needs to pretend you don't exist to get through the day. Anything that reminds you of her or of what she lost is going to kill her. You need to simultaneously know that and not take it personally.

 

And, to agree with the above poster, it's really important not to promise people you'll always love them too soon. I'm sure you meant it at the time, but just something to think about moving forward. You say you "don't love her...you think" and you "miss her" and you "aren't over her" and yet you left. That's entirely within your right to do and perhaps you had every reason to make a logical determination that things were unlikely to work.

 

That being said, when you love someone enough that you can TRULY say things like "I will never stop loving you," you don't leave until every possible avenue for working things out has been explored. You make damn sure you no longer love them before leaving and, if you still aren't over them, you stick it out and try to solve the problems because they genuinely mean THAT much to you. That's not saying every relationship can be like that ... or even should be... but the ones in which you can - or should - say things like "l'll always love you" should be the ones where that degree of commitment is present. And, sadly, for her, it probably was.

 

Again, no fault of yours. You probably felt it at the time, but a good lesson to learn moving forward.

[MarvelFan1]

Wow, stockyoldfrump, I am genuinely moved and amazed at the response you have given. Thank you for taking the time to post and share your insights, it's very true and also thought provoking.

 

I never saw it like that, until you said, and now I understand how I can hurt her by just waving and how old memories will trigger her being the way she is. I'll definitely be more considerate if I see her by keeping a low profile and also bare in mind for future relationships to not promise the earth and all the love before I truly get there with them, beyond the honeymoon phase.

 

I genuinely didn't love her anymore and every time I said I love you to her, in the last month together, I hated myself as it was a lie, but I was to scared to break up with her because I didn't want to hurt her, but in the end she pushed me to far and I had enough. I think now it's a case of just missing her and the habitual morning and night texts, but they're slowly disappearing.

 

I think I just have some self doubt and guilt as I never gave her the second chance she wanted, as my gut was saying no, and at the time I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I can't even bring myself to message her now to say let's taking about it, because my gut knows it's wrong, no matter how much I fantasise about doing it. In my heart of hearts, I know it's the right choice. Plus it would only hurt her and do more damage, especially if something like a wave is crushing.

 

Plus I've read about people on here who either broke NC, got back together or met up, and 90%+ it's never a positive outcome. I've got to stick to my guns.

Edited September 17, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[Captivating]

It's nice of you that you waved at her, it would have been much worse if you did not.

A dumpee will go though a jungle of emotions, including anger .... so whatever you do or don't do has nothing to do with her response.

Dumpee is in a self preservation mode after a breakup, because our brain is obsessed with pain and re-analyze things over and over (trying to defend us from happening again) , like a stuck record player driving the dumpee nuts .... then you appear and wave at her this act of yours which was actually kind of you ... will confuse her, she thinks that she means something to you, you noticed her ... she might even play with the possibility that you miss her and want her back perhaps. False hope.

 

What she posted on facebook ... she is angry. REJECTION is the hardest part to digest for a dumpee, I have been there.

 

You did nothing wrong, you are caring and that's really good. We go through several breakups in our lives because it takes time to find someone we are compatible with, that's how it is. It's a learning process.

If someone is mistreated in a relationship in anyway, that person should move on, you did. So there was a reason you moved on, good for you! You guys both learned something, I'm sure. The lack of effective communication is one major problem. When something is not going right in a relationship, dare to voice that opinion in a constructive way, instead of holding it in then breaking up out of the blue.

 

Best wishes !

Edited September 17, 2017 by Captivating

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds as if you're a great guy by your posts describing how you've handled the whole break up and aftermath.

 

You mentioned the reason you broke up with her was because she wasn't treating you well.

 

Though the emotions that provoked her post on your FB page are understandable, the way she handled it (by publicly posting what she did) is consistent with the fact that she didn't treat you well.

 

Not treating you well and also posting what she did on FB are two things that aren't classy.

 

You're not a person who would post something like that publicly so it surprised you. I wouldn't post something like that either and many people wouldn't. Imo, you did the wise thing breaking up with her as she will probably bring a lifetime of acting out publicly and privately to any relationship she's in.

 

Hang in there. At some point she'll get over it and move on. And in the meantime just be glad you made the wise decision to break up with her.

[MarvelFan1]

It's nice of you that you waved at her, it would have been much worse if you did not.

A dumpee will go though a jungle of emotions, including anger .... so whatever you do or don't do has nothing to do with her response.

Dumpee is in a self preservation mode after a breakup, because our brain is obsessed with pain and re-analyze things over and over (trying to defend us from happening again) , like a stuck record player driving the dumpee nuts .... then you appear and wave at her this act of yours which was actually kind of you ... will confuse her, she thinks that she means something to you, you noticed her ... she might even play with the possibility that you miss her and want her back perhaps. False hope.

 

What she posted on facebook ... she is angry. REJECTION is the hardest part to digest for a dumpee, I have been there.

 

You did nothing wrong, you are caring and that's really good. We go through several breakups in our lives because it takes time to find someone we are compatible with, that's how it is. It's a learning process.

If someone is mistreated in a relationship in anyway, that person should move on, you did. So there was a reason you moved on, good for you! You guys both learned something, I'm sure. The lack of effective communication is one major problem. When something is not going right in a relationship, dare to voice that opinion in a constructive way, instead of holding it in then breaking up out of the blue.

 

Best wishes !

Thank you for your kinds words and support.

 

I should have spoke up more to be fair, but when I did she apologised, but there was always something else to have an argument over. It was that and a culmination of things. My Mum says how nice it is to see me now, not being all angry and upset when I go and see her, since I've been single, so it shows how badly she was effecting me.

 

But I have learned so many lessons from this, I still have some "What if's" in my head, but as the saying goes; "Don't stress about the could have's. If it should have, it would have".

[MarvelFan1]

Sounds as if you're a great guy by your posts describing how you've handled the whole break up and aftermath.

 

You mentioned the reason you broke up with her was because she wasn't treating you well.

 

Though the emotions that provoked her post on your FB page are understandable, the way she handled it (by publicly posting what she did) is consistent with the fact that she didn't treat you well.

 

Not treating you well and also posting what she did on FB are two things that aren't classy.

 

You're not a person who would post something like that publicly so it surprised you. I wouldn't post something like that either and many people wouldn't. Imo, you did the wise thing breaking up with her as she will probably bring a lifetime of acting out publicly and privately to any relationship she's in.

 

Hang in there. At some point she'll get over it and move on. And in the meantime just be glad you made the wise decision to break up with her.

When we broke up, I didn't post anything on FB about it. After a couple of weeks, I set my status back to single (FB doesn't air this anyway), and I never said a peep, then a couple of weeks later (at a month), at our last point of talking on messenger, I went NC. I haven't bad mouthed her on any social media and just left the dust to settle.

 

When I saw her for the first time since the split, at the 3 month mark, when we both waved as she passed in the car, and exchanged a smile, that's when she took to FB (as mentioned in the opening) to say seeing me wave at her and smile ruined her day, as I've 'broken her' and I 'don't know her pain', followed by her Mum and friends chiming in calling me a loser etc... And she did this while she still had my Mum and Dad on her friends list... And it was my Mum who let me know, and then she and my Dad promptly removed her.

 

And now after seeing me again, she types on an old meme I put on her wall last year, calling it, "A load of ****e".

 

On a side note, she had an on/off relationship with he ex for 2 odd years, who was a recovering drug addict, but he still used every now and then. She would often give him the silent treatment when they argued and one day she did that to him, and she was on her way over to break up with him again, and she found out he accidentally suffocated himself in he night while using some drugs and passed away. She never got that closure and she went to see a medium to contact him and all sorts. I firmly believe that she was so grief stricken by this, that she is using our break up as a way to release that pain and guilt, as after a couple of months of his passing, she was on POF... when I met her, where we were friends for a year first. And now we have split, 4 months later, I've been told she is back on there again.

 

While we were together, we couldn't go to X, Y and Z places, because she went there with him, certain songs she would skip that he liked and she still had some of his stuff she said. She had all his videos and pictures on her laptop/phone, which I get when it's of a loved one, but something tells me, our relationship was doomed from day one. When we were just friends she said she wasn't ready to have a relationship yet as her head was all over the place, when I asked. And a year later, we got together, but something tells me, she never got past his death. Even at the 6 month mark on our first holiday, she said she was unsure if she loved me... and she told me this a month before our next holiday 6 months later, when I said how bad the last one was after how she treated me.

Edited September 17, 2017 by MarvelFan1