Maybe it is me?

[act00]

Fishforbreakfast, I love your screen name, and I think you are setting yourself up as "crazy," self-sabotaging, and you need to relax! You're all over the place, and it doesn't surprise me that a guy is sprinting for the hills because you are a bucket of drama, and you barely know each other!

 

Mixed signals everywhere. Accusations abound with no indication it is anything other than what it is.

 

You want to take it slow, yet have been intimate, which I interpret as sex, and I don't care if the P and the V never came together, if you're doing everything but the actual P/V, it's still sex, and that's not "slow."

 

A "test" to friendzone him? I'm not surprised that backfired. Testing never works, but what guy in his right mind wants to be friendzoned? Do YOU want to be friendzoned? No? Neither does he. Do YOU want to be tested? Prove your worth?

 

You are quick to judge and quick to accuse, leaving your guy to have to defend himself constantly because of whatever it is you conjured up in your head...no and no. There's no way I would tolerate this level of drama.

 

This level of drama early on does not bode well for long-term future. I cringe at the thought of the fallout when your husband gets home 15 minutes late.

 

You can't expect some guy you're dating to follow your set of defined rules of which he is unaware, and I suspect that you don't know what you want and those rules will forever be changing. I can just imagine that if he did text you when he got off of work, saying, "Heading home, sweet dreams, we'll talk tomorrow," you'd be up in arms that he didn't spend a 1/2-hour to an hour (or more depending on where the wind blows you) texting or talking to you when he got home...you would find some fault somewhere. I married one of these and the rules were constantly changing.

 

The only thing I agree on is that the guy can take 5 minutes to toss you a text, especially in response to yours, as long as you aren't tossing out jibberish and expecting constant, day-long communication, and especially if your texts are to assure yourself that his penis isn't falling somewhere it shouldn't be.

 

You have spent a lot of time pushing him away and expecting him to prove himself and follow some set of rules that are a mystery. He has expressed he likes you, and you didn't believe him. He said you were amazing, and you didn't believe him, and told him as much. He expressed he was tired of the accusations, yet they continue. He seems to have put forth effort to appease you, and you have pushed him off to the point he's done trying. You sound like you take way too much WORK...constantly having to validate you, being pushed away, accused of lying about his feelings and lying about his whereabouts, not texting within a time frame that is completely unreasonable, and the list goes on.

 

I can assure you, Fish, living in a relationship where you constantly have to defend yourself, and you never measure up to some standard that is constantly shifting, is incredibly difficult and kills your soul. I would not continue a relationship with someone if I was being met with high this level of drama so early in dating.

 

You ARE a major factor of "maybe it's me." This can be fixed. Your life experiences help you learn, and if feasible, seek counselling, follow up on those books, and anything else to improve your psyche on dating and relationships.

[smackie9]

Smackie, I wonder where this is coming from. You seem to be getting more cynical and antagonistic. The OP is wound tighter than a banjo string and you're telling her that anytime a guy doesn't meet an expectation, regardless of how unrealistic the expectation may be, the answer is to drop him. Following this advice would certainly result in no one ever having any relationship at all!

 

A mature person learns to make minimal assumptions, and certainly not to jump to worst case assumptions when there is no evidence whatsoever. If I texted someone at night and didn't receive an immediate response, I'd think little or nothing of it... the simplest and most likely reason is they fell asleep. My gf used to text me when I had fallen asleep watching tv and she never got upset or assumed it meant anything at all.

 

The habit of assuming the worst without good reason is a sign of neuroticism.

* please read through the thread: She said this has happened more than once. It happened right at the start. First impressions count in my books, and if they are negative like this, it's usually a precursor to what will continue, and it did. It didn't feel right to her that he did this. He apologized the first time, but he continued to do it. So what is she supposed to think? What she assumes is mute. It's his actions don't fit the bill/ fulfill her expectations. It's simple, she just wants a guy to respond to a text in a timely manner...that's it. This guy wasn't willing to provide that.

[salparadise]

* please read through the thread: She said this has happened more than once. It happened right at the start. First impressions count in my books, and if they are negative like this, it's usually a precursor to what will continue, and it did. It didn't feel right to her that he did this. He apologized the first time, but he continued to do it. So what is she supposed to think? What she assumes is mute. It's his actions don't fit the bill/ fulfill her expectations. It's simple, she just wants a guy to respond to a text in a timely manner...that's it. This guy wasn't willing to provide that.

 

 

Well, I don't agree that it's that simple. What you're essentially saying is that if a man doesn't meet each and every expectation, then he's worthless. As if men were created to meet women's expectations and women were created to have their every whim catered to or else a man isn't worth having... that men are only valuable for wheat they can do for you, but women (veejay) are inherently valuable and the proper method to is to simply discard enough men until you find one that is perfect and meets every criteria and expectation. Good luck with that!

 

I believe that this is a recipe for loneliness and social isolation. Along with making minimal assumptions, a healthy person keeps expectations realistic, negotiates differences, makes compromises, is adaptable and accepting of others... just for who they are, not for what they can do for you.

 

I find the princess mentality extremely distasteful. There is no way that I'd ever cater to someone's whims to the degree that OP (and apparently you) expect. Seriously... a guy fails to reply immediately a couple of times and he's dust? Surely you can see the flaw in this thinking, can't you?

[Poutrew]

OP, I am a guy. I do not text. Ever. In fact, I have even deactivated that feature on my (very old fashioned) cell phone. By your logic, I am having sex 24/7/365... well, a guy does have to sleep every now and then.

[Fishforbreakfast]

You had sex with him and then trying to take your foot off the gas pedal. It's better to be going a little slower going into a curve than it is to have to put on the brakes after you're in the curve.

 

"no quite the opposite" -- He's already had a ride in the car and why would he want to give up his ride?

 

That being said, if you've been intimate with a man, you are well within your rights and responsibility to have clarity about things between you and whether or not they want exclusivity at least. Even if they say yes, you need to sit back and observe whether they are dating you seriously/properly. If they aren't, you don't call them out on anything or try to manipulate them. You end it on the grounds that you are not getting what you need in an early dating scenario to want to continue moving forward. PERIOD.

 

No it wasn't like I wanted to take the foot off the pedal, after we had had sex he was unsure what I wanted and said to me if I didn't want to be with him he would be happy to even just have me as a friend because he was so happy to have met me, so then fast forward I was like maybe he decided he doesn't like me that much anymore and if he said we would be better off friends it's an easy out for him..

[Fishforbreakfast]

Fishforbreakfast, I love your screen name, and I think you are setting yourself up as "crazy," self-sabotaging, and you need to relax! You're all over the place, and it doesn't surprise me that a guy is sprinting for the hills because you are a bucket of drama, and you barely know each other!

 

Mixed signals everywhere. Accusations abound with no indication it is anything other than what it is.

 

You want to take it slow, yet have been intimate, which I interpret as sex, and I don't care if the P and the V never came together, if you're doing everything but the actual P/V, it's still sex, and that's not "slow."

 

A "test" to friendzone him? I'm not surprised that backfired. Testing never works, but what guy in his right mind wants to be friendzoned? Do YOU want to be friendzoned? No? Neither does he. Do YOU want to be tested? Prove your worth?

 

You are quick to judge and quick to accuse, leaving your guy to have to defend himself constantly because of whatever it is you conjured up in your head...no and no. There's no way I would tolerate this level of drama.

 

This level of drama early on does not bode well for long-term future. I cringe at the thought of the fallout when your husband gets home 15 minutes late.

 

You can't expect some guy you're dating to follow your set of defined rules of which he is unaware, and I suspect that you don't know what you want and those rules will forever be changing. I can just imagine that if he did text you when he got off of work, saying, "Heading home, sweet dreams, we'll talk tomorrow," you'd be up in arms that he didn't spend a 1/2-hour to an hour (or more depending on where the wind blows you) texting or talking to you when he got home...you would find some fault somewhere. I married one of these and the rules were constantly changing.

 

The only thing I agree on is that the guy can take 5 minutes to toss you a text, especially in response to yours, as long as you aren't tossing out jibberish and expecting constant, day-long communication, and especially if your texts are to assure yourself that his penis isn't falling somewhere it shouldn't be.

 

You have spent a lot of time pushing him away and expecting him to prove himself and follow some set of rules that are a mystery. He has expressed he likes you, and you didn't believe him. He said you were amazing, and you didn't believe him, and told him as much. He expressed he was tired of the accusations, yet they continue. He seems to have put forth effort to appease you, and you have pushed him off to the point he's done trying. You sound like you take way too much WORK...constantly having to validate you, being pushed away, accused of lying about his feelings and lying about his whereabouts, not texting within a time frame that is completely unreasonable, and the list goes on.

 

I can assure you, Fish, living in a relationship where you constantly have to defend yourself, and you never measure up to some standard that is constantly shifting, is incredibly difficult and kills your soul. I would not continue a relationship with someone if I was being met with high this level of drama so early in dating.

 

You ARE a major factor of "maybe it's me." This can be fixed. Your life experiences help you learn, and if feasible, seek counselling, follow up on those books, and anything else to improve your psyche on dating and relationships.

 

I have read all these replies and really looked at my actions and yeh they were quite shocking, I didn't really realise how bad till I re read the messages I accused him of lying about what he had for dinner and what time he went to bed (before we had even been on a second date). Yes I think if I did get s text saying talk tomorrow I probably would be up in arms, it's definitely something I have to change but in my defence if he had of texted me back this would of never happened but I guess I wouldn't want to text someone like me back...I talked to a good friend about it and she said maybe I'm controlling which I never thought about till she said it, which is probably why I snapped when he didn't text back... but the good thing is I can see the error of my ways and now will really try and change because I don't want to keep going through the same thing over and over I want to have fun...

[Fishforbreakfast]

Good!

 

OK, these three books, well, I've cheated and added one more at the end also actually...

 

This first one (linked below this paragraph), just bear with me, I was given it by a friend and assumed it was a trash book. It's actually a really funny book but also it made me realise not to take dating so seriously but rather to 'see how it evolves', sorta step back and observe more quietly without feeling a need to jump and say something.

I'd walked from a 14 year relationship not long before reading it and I wasn't in a great place and felt myself getting needy and expecting too much and it wasn't healthy for me.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505543553&sr=8-1&keywords=why+men+love+bitches

 

The second book (linked below again) is a kind of philosophy for a better life.

The first part is quite religious, I am not religious and admittedly I struggled through reading the first part but reading it helped me understand the rest - got my mind in the right place maybe (?) - perhaps made me 'feel' open minded about reading the rest of it. Religion is referred to later in the other sections in the book but not at all to any huge degree (just warning you in case you are also not religious).

It's a very good read though and it really does make you stop and think and if you re-read the sections and really get to grips with what it's telling you it's stuff that will stay in your mind. It's also a tiny book so not a huge heavy read.

https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505544510&sr=1-1&keywords=the+four+agreements+by+don+miguel+ruiz

 

The third book (linked below),

I was at a low point and began dating this guy, someone who was very different to anyone else I had dated. He kinda swept me off my feet in the beginning and it felt great. It soon turned very very bad though, in subtle ways, little increments. He was emotionally abusive with me and very controlling. I tried several times to get away from him but his sweet side could turn on like a tap and he would talk me round each time. I also had a lot going on in my life and was working really long hours so I would give in fr an easy life.

I hadn't experienced any kind of abuse before but I could see what was happening, wasn't giving in and therefore didn't lose much confidence but I also knew I had to get out because giving in to his talk arounds each time just made my life worse as the next battle would very soon arise (the next thing I had done wrong basically). Eventually I ended it by text as I somehow knew that he wouldn't try to talk me round by text but instead would take that text, run with it and then find ways to 'win me back' in the coming months. Some 5 weeks or so after ending it he called me blazing and screaming as he had found out that I'd told mutual friends we had split - this wasn't in his plan - he thought he had hold over me enough for me to be too scared to tell anyone or too upset or whatever.

This book is one of the first I read and it explains in lists and then in text behaviours to look out for in a dangerous man so it's easy to flip through for different types of men - even Mr Unavailable. My guy had 21 of the 27 characteristics of a potentially physically violent man which shocked me.

It's a good book for reference though, very early on or a few months/years into a relationship and it's taught me a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505545713&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+spot+a+dangerous+man+before+you+get+involved

 

One more book which I'll add simply because it sounds like possibly you may have had some experience of some form of abuse (I'm not making assumptions here - it's for you to decide) but I read a lot of books following dating that guy/twit and below was the best one I found to simply understand what happened, why he was how he was and also why I let it happen - what my responsibility for it was.

The word narcissist is in the title and I don't like to add undiagnosed titles to people but the content of the book was excellent and also funny too in many places!

https://www.amazon.com/Toads-Women-Them-Alexs-Manual/dp/1475236972/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505546206&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=aunty+alex%27s+army+manual+toad

 

Give dating a break for a while and get reading.

Over the years I've read a lot of self help type books but not one of them matched up to these four books.

The first boosted my confidence to the degree where I learned to be happy on my own actually. If you have that in your life to always fall back on you're in a better place when you do date.(and looking back I should have re-read it prior to dating that twit!)

The second - just a way to live which makes my life a lot easier - it also made me see and be aware of what that twit was doing).

The third - good for dipping into when meeting/dating.

The fourth - good for any healing if you believe that someone (eg your ex) has ever belittled you or been abusive in any way.

 

Your confidence is gonna be a bit low I would think right now so it's a good time to back off dating and give yourself some time to grow and learn.

By the way, I read these books all since the age of 36 and through to 44 so being 30 is nothing but I think each one could well give you some tools to work with but also help to boost your own self value.

 

Hey thanks so much for taking the time to link me into all these books and explain the concept behind each one. I will definetly read them as I love reading self improvement books especially ones that have been tried and tested. Yeh one of my ex was abusive not physically but mentally controlling so that one will also be very useful. Thanks so much!

[Fishforbreakfast]

You trust your gut, how is that working out for you?

 

 

But is he wrong?

 

 

You are still going on and on about the text?

 

 

Nothing to do with self-esteem, if anything it sounds like she has too much of it already. I think she should just relax a bit and be more consistent with her actions. Also she's 30, not 15.

 

No I don't have too much self esteem at all, that is the problem!

[GemmaUK]

You're very welcome Fish!

 

These books will also help with your self esteem, help with being less controlling by sitting back and observing in silence more - as in you can sit back and see if words and actions match, figure out whether something is a one off or a consistent behaviour and also see that it takes more than one thing to make a guy a bad guy for you (or an abuser), it's never just one trait, it's multiple traits.

So for instance when you see the lists in that third book and you're dating a guy you're looking out for the majority of things on that list, not just one or two things (you'll understand more once you read the lists (and read all of those lists even if you don't read the whole book at first but it's a good one to have handy when you next date.

 

Plus the books help too with just having fun in dating - they will take the pressure off and allow you to think more clearly and see how things pan out rather than jump at the first hurdle (or sweat the small stuff).

 

From a more recent post it sounds like he wasn't sure of your interest in him though so in the first book do pay attention to the parts where you show interest. It always takes two in a relationship. I look at showing interest this way - simply treat a guy you like in the way you would like to be treated when he's into you - OK, not buying flowers - but you get my drift.

 

Another idea, this is one I use for work actually is next time you're dating write the not so great things down in a journal. It's funny, I come home some nights and am so frustrated with x, y and z happening at work - I'll write them down. For one it helps me relax (I started out writing on a pc but for some reason it didn't help me relax in the same way as picking up a pen)after work but also a few days later I go back and read what I've written and often I will see that I was clearly having a bad day and had a heightened sense of angst over things which 2 or 3 days later seem pretty ridiculous! Lol!

 

But again, ignore what that ex said. We can all change and all you've posted here is absolutely changeable in you.

 

Happy reading!

[Fishforbreakfast]

Just an update on this. I ended up texting this guy 10 days after it ended and just said something funny about my dog and that I missed him and didn't expect a response back but he sent one back asking how I was, I replied then he sent another asking what I was upto and telling me what he's been up to and being really flirty and now nothing... what's his deal? I know I acted less then perfect and sent some pretty mixed signals but I apologised and now it seems like he's doing it to me...I'm confused I think I really started to like him