Maybe it is me?

[Fishforbreakfast]

I was just seeing this guy and ended it because he didn't text me back overnight so I assumed he was with another girl, and his response was that he was flat out at work and so as a test I gave him the opportunity to be "just friends" and he said no he didn't want to be just friends and was just taking things slow as I had requested but I think it was a cop out and told him it seems pretty suss to not have 2 min to text me back and he said that "you have no idea what you want" and he's sick of me looking for the worst in him... I just don't see how a guy could like me so much so quickly so I always said that I didn't believe him when he would tel me how amazing he thought I was... now it's over because he thinks I'm crazy and I'm really sad... I really started to like him. I just didn't want to get hurt because I rushed in my last relationship and it's taken me a year to recover so I wanted to take things slow but this way didn't work either... do you think it was my fault or his because he didn't text me back. Everywhere online says it he doesn't text back he's not interested so that is what I assumed...

[MidwestUSA]

Look where assuming got you. Did you by chance come out and accuse him?

 

Then, to top it off, you gave him a 'test'. Of course he doesn't want to be just friends. He wants to get laid.

 

Stop making assumptions and playing games. Don't believe everything you read. Yes, you blew this one; on to the next.

[GemmaUK]

He was likely asleep overnight if he was flat out at work.

 

You've made a pile of assumptions based upon nothing.

 

He is right in that you don't know what you want also, you said you wanted to take things slow and then jump right away when he doesn't text you overnight.

Part of taking things slow would be no constant contact.

 

'Maybe it's me' Yes, sorry OP but I would say yes it is in this case.

[Fishforbreakfast]

Look where assuming got you. Did you by chance come out and accuse him?

 

Then, to top it off, you gave him a 'test'. Of course he doesn't want to be just friends. He wants to get laid.

 

Stop making assumptions and playing games. Don't believe everything you read. Yes, you blew this one; on to the next.

 

I meant be friends so it was an easy way to let me down, he already got laid. Yes I did accuse him and he said "why would I bother seeing you if I wanted to be with my ex" and I said maybe not specifically your ex but maybe your multi dating, I don't think he's impressed with my accusations when all I really need is assurance... but then when he gives it I tell him he's not allowed to compliment me... omg I just realised I am a contradiction...my ex said I would be miserable forever because I'm such hard work which I thought he said out of bitterness but now I worry he might be right...

[Fishforbreakfast]

He was likely asleep overnight if he was flat out at work.

 

You've made a pile of assumptions based upon nothing.

 

He is right in that you don't know what you want also, you said you wanted to take things slow and then jump right away when he doesn't text you overnight.

Part of taking things slow would be no constant contact.

 

'Maybe it's me' Yes, sorry OP but I would say yes it is in this case.

 

I think that's why I feel so bad because maybe I have self sabotaged. I don't know why I do it...

[lurker74]

You did self sabotage. And to be honest, he may have been with someone else. But now you can see your trigger points. Try to learn from this relationship so that you do better next time...what did you learn here?

[Fishforbreakfast]

You did self sabotage. And to be honest, he may have been with someone else. But now you can see your trigger points. Try to learn from this relationship so that you do better next time...what did you learn here?

 

I learnt that I like someone more when they don't like me, sadly...

[smackie9]

Don't be sad....it didn't feel right, and when it doesn't feel right, then it's not. Don't let any guy turn the tables on you for calling them out. You have certain expectations, and there is nothing wrong with having them. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Expecting him to text you back wasn't being unrealistic. It would show he values, and respects you. Whatever he may or may not have been doing, it's the fact he just didn't bother to do anything. People take breaks, or hit the washroom so there is always plenty of opportunity to text someone.

 

OP you still seem uneasy with dating. Maybe take a break from it, and focus on yourself. A man doesn't give you a life, you going out with friends and having fun productively gives you a life.

[Miss Spider]

I don't think it's just you, but it's partly you. lol. You can't be going off on guys you are dating for not answering a text xD That kind of drama and trust issues is not what brings a guy closer to you. He either wants to respond to your text or he does not, and frankly, unless you guys are committed, that's within his right. Whether it's because of work or because he spent all night banging some girl.

 

 

 

 

What does "going slow" mean? Are you intimate with him? If you're not doing anything sexual with him then I can understand him not wanting to be friendzoned, and wanting to take his time develop feelings for *you*, not your vajay, before being ready to commit to you. HOWEVER, (and in most cases) if you are intimate with him, and a guy says "let's take it slow" he means he has no intent to ever commit but wants to take it slow with you to extend his time with your vajay (or other body parts)lol

 

 

But long story short, I think with the games and accusations, you aren't playing it right. However, I think you probably have good reason to be concerned. You probably have good reason for feeling insecure about the whole thing. Intuition and all...

[PegNosePete]

my ex said I would be miserable forever because I'm such hard work which I thought he said out of bitterness but now I worry he might be right...

Well, maybe he was right. You do seem to be "hard work" because you're accusing this guy of cheating and then playing weird games and causing drama, and he didn't like that, so he ended it. I don't blame him, I probably would have too.

 

But nothing is "forever". You can change. Learn from this, and next time don't make the same mistakes.

[Redhead14]

I was just seeing this guy and ended it because he didn't text me back overnight so I assumed he was with another girl, and his response was that he was flat out at work and so as a test I gave him the opportunity to be "just friends" and he said no he didn't want to be just friends and was just taking things slow as I had requested but I think it was a cop out and told him it seems pretty suss to not have 2 min to text me back and he said that "you have no idea what you want" and he's sick of me looking for the worst in him... I just don't see how a guy could like me so much so quickly so I always said that I didn't believe him when he would tel me how amazing he thought I was... now it's over because he thinks I'm crazy and I'm really sad... I really started to like him. I just didn't want to get hurt because I rushed in my last relationship and it's taken me a year to recover so I wanted to take things slow but this way didn't work either... do you think it was my fault or his because he didn't text me back. Everywhere online says it he doesn't text back he's not interested so that is what I assumed...

 

You need to be less impulsive and not applying "rules" to a one day lapse in response from a guy you're only dating that's for sure.

 

Yeah, if a guy isn't very timely in responding as a habit you might assume they aren't interested anymore, but I would call him out on anything after a one time, one-day lapse. People do get busy. When I'm at work, I'm not looking at my cell phone unless I'm waiting for something important. And, yeah, some times I don't have even a second for those kinds of distractions.

he's sick of me looking for the worst in him -- It appears that you have been too demanding and clingy/needy for "where" you are with this guy and pushing things.

 

It's really hard to unring the crazy bell. The best way to not come across as crazy is to actually not be crazy.

 

I just didn't want to get hurt because I rushed in my last relationship -- And, yet, you're still doing that.

 

Everywhere online says it he doesn't text back he's not interested so that is what I assumed. - Not if it's a one time, one day thing. You need to apply some logic here. If the guy has a habit of being slow to respond, sure, you might question things. Even if you think he's dissed you somehow, at that point, it really is an assumption. So what do you do? In this case, you would not call him out and accuse him or assume he's with someone else, you sit back, wait and observe and when/if he does respond and has a credible reason, you haven't sabotaged things with him. If he didn't respond at all, so be it. You move on.

[GemmaUK]

FFB, do you read books?

 

I know this sounds like an offside question, bear with me and let me know.

It's just that I spotted that you'd 'read' xyz

 

I've got two books in mind for you, or three if you would be up for three but the third would be a dip into and out of type book. None are huge or War and Peace sized either.

I've been offline out and whilst I was out I thought of you and various books but picked some which would all be helpful for you I believe - if you fancy taking the risk and investing some time in reading?

 

Don't feel too sad or too bad but if you felt neither and hadn't had your little realisation up there in those few posts you wouldn't be a step towards growing as a woman and a human being.

Relationships and how to navigate them are new to all of us at some point, some seem to do it all naturally and some of us don't and it's normal.

You very much sound like you're made a little realisation today though - yep - tough, awful times often make us realise things - but, if you can see that as a step towards growing you should grab it.

 

Let me know if you are a reader or if you are not whether you would be prepared to give it a try...

 

PS. Your ex is wrong. There is no 'never'. Every single one of us can grow and learn. I do it alllllllllllll of the time.

[Fishforbreakfast]

Don't be sad....it didn't feel right, and when it doesn't feel right, then it's not. Don't let any guy turn the tables on you for calling them out. You have certain expectations, and there is nothing wrong with having them. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Expecting him to text you back wasn't being unrealistic. It would show he values, and respects you. Whatever he may or may not have been doing, it's the fact he just didn't bother to do anything. People take breaks, or hit the washroom so there is always plenty of opportunity to text someone.

 

OP you still seem uneasy with dating. Maybe take a break from it, and focus on yourself. A man doesn't give you a life, you going out with friends and having fun productively gives you a life.

 

Thanks that's what i think. He has done it to me a few times the first was after we had first met and he was trying to arrange a date then I didn't hear fe him for 15hours so I cancelled the date and told him if he doesn't even have the decency to respond to a text then I'm not interested in dating someone like that,he apologised profusely then continues to do it! To me it's just common courtesy to reply to a text within the same day when you are dating someone...

[Fishforbreakfast]

I don't think it's just you, but it's partly you. lol. You can't be going off on guys you are dating for not answering a text xD That kind of drama and trust issues is not what brings a guy closer to you. He either wants to respond to your text or he does not, and frankly, unless you guys are committed, that's within his right. Whether it's because of work or because he spent all night banging some girl.

 

 

 

 

What does "going slow" mean? Are you intimate with him? If you're not doing anything sexual with him then I can understand him not wanting to be friendzoned, and wanting to take his time develop feelings for *you*, not your vajay, before being ready to commit to you. HOWEVER, (and in most cases) if you are intimate with him, and a guy says "let's take it slow" he means he has no intent to ever commit but wants to take it slow with you to extend his time with your vajay (or other body parts)lol

 

 

But long story short, I think with the games and accusations, you aren't playing it right. However, I think you probably have good reason to be concerned. You probably have good reason for feeling insecure about the whole thing. Intuition and all...

 

We were intimate but I was the one who said let's take it slow because he was too full on and wanted to see me too much so when I said "do you want to be friends" I thought If he'd lost interest in me he would agree as an easy out but he said "no quite the opposite" and said he was just taking it slow like I had requested... yeh I trust my gut and I prob didn't handle It the best but I did have my reasons to be suss on him...

[Fishforbreakfast]

FFB, do you read books?

 

I know this sounds like an offside question, bear with me and let me know.

It's just that I spotted that you'd 'read' xyz

 

I've got two books in mind for you, or three if you would be up for three but the third would be a dip into and out of type book. None are huge or War and Peace sized either.

I've been offline out and whilst I was out I thought of you and various books but picked some which would all be helpful for you I believe - if you fancy taking the risk and investing some time in reading?

 

Don't feel too sad or too bad but if you felt neither and hadn't had your little realisation up there in those few posts you wouldn't be a step towards growing as a woman and a human being.

Relationships and how to navigate them are new to all of us at some point, some seem to do it all naturally and some of us don't and it's normal.

You very much sound like you're made a little realisation today though - yep - tough, awful times often make us realise things - but, if you can see that as a step towards growing you should grab it.

 

Let me know if you are a reader or if you are not whether you would be prepared to give it a try...

 

PS. Your ex is wrong. There is no 'never'. Every single one of us can grow and learn. I do it alllllllllllll of the time.

 

Hi yes I am an avid reader would love to hear what you can recommend to

Me!

[coolheadal]

I was just seeing this guy and ended it because he didn't text me back overnight so I assumed he was with another girl, and his response was that he was flat out at work and so as a test I gave him the opportunity to be "just friends" and he said no he didn't want to be just friends and was just taking things slow as I had requested but I think it was a cop out and told him it seems pretty suss to not have 2 min to text me back and he said that "you have no idea what you want" and he's sick of me looking for the worst in him... I just don't see how a guy could like me so much so quickly so I always said that I didn't believe him when he would tel me how amazing he thought I was... now it's over because he thinks I'm crazy and I'm really sad... I really started to like him. I just didn't want to get hurt because I rushed in my last relationship and it's taken me a year to recover so I wanted to take things slow but this way didn't work either... do you think it was my fault or his because he didn't text me back. Everywhere online says it he doesn't text back he's not interested so that is what I assumed...

 

Forget this guy, you holding on to something that just called you crazy! You have been hurt/damage so now your have the guard up so every guy you go after you going to probe and be sure they are telling you the truth and not cheating on you. Your not ready for anything serious you just keep on repeating same sets over and over.

[Fishforbreakfast]

You need to be less impulsive and not applying "rules" to a one day lapse in response from a guy you're only dating that's for sure.

 

Yeah, if a guy isn't very timely in responding as a habit you might assume they aren't interested anymore, but I would call him out on anything after a one time, one-day lapse. People do get busy. When I'm at work, I'm not looking at my cell phone unless I'm waiting for something important. And, yeah, some times I don't have even a second for those kinds of distractions.

he's sick of me looking for the worst in him -- It appears that you have been too demanding and clingy/needy for "where" you are with this guy and pushing things.

 

It's really hard to unring the crazy bell. The best way to not come across as crazy is to actually not be crazy.

 

I just didn't want to get hurt because I rushed in my last relationship -- And, yet, you're still doing that.

 

Everywhere online says it he doesn't text back he's not interested so that is what I assumed. - Not if it's a one time, one day thing. You need to apply some logic here. If the guy has a habit of being slow to respond, sure, you might question things. Even if you think he's dissed you somehow, at that point, it really is an assumption. So what do you do? In this case, you would not call him out and accuse him or assume he's with someone else, you sit back, wait and observe and when/if he does respond and has a credible reason, you haven't sabotaged things with him. If he didn't respond at all, so be it. You move on.

 

Yeh I can't unring it that's for sure... he was weird with his texting from day one I think it's just common courtesy to respond to a text. I don't think I was clingy I just wanted to be treated right. I feeel like I like him more now because he's gone but at the time when I was with him I remember thinking "i wish you were my ex" and had to stop myself from crying a couple of times because I missed my ex so much when I was with him so that didn't feel normal either... back to counselling...

[Fishforbreakfast]

Forget this guy, you holding on to something that just called you crazy! You have been hurt/damage so now your have the guard up so every guy you go after you going to probe and be sure they are telling you the truth and not cheating on you. Your not ready for anything serious you just keep on repeating same sets over and over.

 

Yeh I'm not missing him at all the last thing I thought before I saw him is "why arnt I excited at all too see him.." I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over

[bpb2017]

Everywhere online says it he doesn't text back he's not interested so that is what I assumed...

Always take advice from the internet with a grain of salt. When I was an engineering student our professor warned us that so much of the information online is "written by 15 year old boys and girls".

 

You have certain expectations, and there is nothing wrong with having them.

There is when the guy can't even get a nights rest after a hard day at work.

 

I would be wrong if the OP is in her late teens, then it would be understandable .

[Fishforbreakfast]

Always take advice from the internet with a grain of salt. When I was an engineering student our professor warned us that so much of the information online is "written by 15 year old boys and girls".

 

 

There is when the guy can't even get a nights rest after a hard day at work.

 

I would be wrong if the OP is in her late teens, then it would be understandable .

 

I'm 30 so not quiet...

[GemmaUK]

Hi yes I am an avid reader would love to hear what you can recommend to

Me!

 

Good!

 

OK, these three books, well, I've cheated and added one more at the end also actually...

 

This first one (linked below this paragraph), just bear with me, I was given it by a friend and assumed it was a trash book. It's actually a really funny book but also it made me realise not to take dating so seriously but rather to 'see how it evolves', sorta step back and observe more quietly without feeling a need to jump and say something.

I'd walked from a 14 year relationship not long before reading it and I wasn't in a great place and felt myself getting needy and expecting too much and it wasn't healthy for me.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505543553&sr=8-1&keywords=why+men+love+bitches

 

The second book (linked below again) is a kind of philosophy for a better life.

The first part is quite religious, I am not religious and admittedly I struggled through reading the first part but reading it helped me understand the rest - got my mind in the right place maybe (?) - perhaps made me 'feel' open minded about reading the rest of it. Religion is referred to later in the other sections in the book but not at all to any huge degree (just warning you in case you are also not religious).

It's a very good read though and it really does make you stop and think and if you re-read the sections and really get to grips with what it's telling you it's stuff that will stay in your mind. It's also a tiny book so not a huge heavy read.

https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505544510&sr=1-1&keywords=the+four+agreements+by+don+miguel+ruiz

 

The third book (linked below),

I was at a low point and began dating this guy, someone who was very different to anyone else I had dated. He kinda swept me off my feet in the beginning and it felt great. It soon turned very very bad though, in subtle ways, little increments. He was emotionally abusive with me and very controlling. I tried several times to get away from him but his sweet side could turn on like a tap and he would talk me round each time. I also had a lot going on in my life and was working really long hours so I would give in fr an easy life.

I hadn't experienced any kind of abuse before but I could see what was happening, wasn't giving in and therefore didn't lose much confidence but I also knew I had to get out because giving in to his talk arounds each time just made my life worse as the next battle would very soon arise (the next thing I had done wrong basically). Eventually I ended it by text as I somehow knew that he wouldn't try to talk me round by text but instead would take that text, run with it and then find ways to 'win me back' in the coming months. Some 5 weeks or so after ending it he called me blazing and screaming as he had found out that I'd told mutual friends we had split - this wasn't in his plan - he thought he had hold over me enough for me to be too scared to tell anyone or too upset or whatever.

This book is one of the first I read and it explains in lists and then in text behaviours to look out for in a dangerous man so it's easy to flip through for different types of men - even Mr Unavailable. My guy had 21 of the 27 characteristics of a potentially physically violent man which shocked me.

It's a good book for reference though, very early on or a few months/years into a relationship and it's taught me a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505545713&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+spot+a+dangerous+man+before+you+get+involved

 

One more book which I'll add simply because it sounds like possibly you may have had some experience of some form of abuse (I'm not making assumptions here - it's for you to decide) but I read a lot of books following dating that guy/twit and below was the best one I found to simply understand what happened, why he was how he was and also why I let it happen - what my responsibility for it was.

The word narcissist is in the title and I don't like to add undiagnosed titles to people but the content of the book was excellent and also funny too in many places!

https://www.amazon.com/Toads-Women-Them-Alexs-Manual/dp/1475236972/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505546206&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=aunty+alex%27s+army+manual+toad

 

Give dating a break for a while and get reading.

Over the years I've read a lot of self help type books but not one of them matched up to these four books.

The first boosted my confidence to the degree where I learned to be happy on my own actually. If you have that in your life to always fall back on you're in a better place when you do date.(and looking back I should have re-read it prior to dating that twit!)

The second - just a way to live which makes my life a lot easier - it also made me see and be aware of what that twit was doing).

The third - good for dipping into when meeting/dating.

The fourth - good for any healing if you believe that someone (eg your ex) has ever belittled you or been abusive in any way.

 

Your confidence is gonna be a bit low I would think right now so it's a good time to back off dating and give yourself some time to grow and learn.

By the way, I read these books all since the age of 36 and through to 44 so being 30 is nothing but I think each one could well give you some tools to work with but also help to boost your own self value.

[Redhead14]

We were intimate but I was the one who said let's take it slow because he was too full on and wanted to see me too much so when I said "do you want to be friends" I thought If he'd lost interest in me he would agree as an easy out but he said "no quite the opposite" and said he was just taking it slow like I had requested... yeh I trust my gut and I prob didn't handle It the best but I did have my reasons to be suss on him...

 

You had sex with him and then trying to take your foot off the gas pedal. It's better to be going a little slower going into a curve than it is to have to put on the brakes after you're in the curve.

 

"no quite the opposite" -- He's already had a ride in the car and why would he want to give up his ride?

 

That being said, if you've been intimate with a man, you are well within your rights and responsibility to have clarity about things between you and whether or not they want exclusivity at least. Even if they say yes, you need to sit back and observe whether they are dating you seriously/properly. If they aren't, you don't call them out on anything or try to manipulate them. You end it on the grounds that you are not getting what you need in an early dating scenario to want to continue moving forward. PERIOD.

[stillafool]

I think you are right to take it slow with guys. Maybe take a break from dating until you raise your self esteem would be best.

[salparadise]

Don't be sad....it didn't feel right, and when it doesn't feel right, then it's not. Don't let any guy turn the tables on you for calling them out. You have certain expectations, and there is nothing wrong with having them. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Expecting him to text you back wasn't being unrealistic. It would show he values, and respects you. Whatever he may or may not have been doing, it's the fact he just didn't bother to do anything. People take breaks, or hit the washroom so there is always plenty of opportunity to text someone.

 

Smackie, I wonder where this is coming from. You seem to be getting more cynical and antagonistic. The OP is wound tighter than a banjo string and you're telling her that anytime a guy doesn't meet an expectation, regardless of how unrealistic the expectation may be, the answer is to drop him. Following this advice would certainly result in no one ever having any relationship at all!

 

A mature person learns to make minimal assumptions, and certainly not to jump to worst case assumptions when there is no evidence whatsoever. If I texted someone at night and didn't receive an immediate response, I'd think little or nothing of it... the simplest and most likely reason is they fell asleep. My gf used to text me when I had fallen asleep watching tv and she never got upset or assumed it meant anything at all.

 

The habit of assuming the worst without good reason is a sign of neuroticism.

[bpb2017]

yeh I trust my gut and I prob didn't handle It the best but I did have my reasons to be suss on him...

 

You trust your gut, how is that working out for you?

 

Forget this guy, you holding on to something that just called you crazy!

But is he wrong?

 

I think it's just common courtesy to respond to a text.

You are still going on and on about the text?

 

raise your self esteem would be best.

Nothing to do with self-esteem, if anything it sounds like she has too much of it already. I think she should just relax a bit and be more consistent with her actions. Also she's 30, not 15.