Gaeta Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 he just text to say he was out late with his classmates and that he had a great time but would like to see more tomorrow. Its simply not true because messages would have delivered. You only put your phone on airplane mode if youre on date. I think i will say im busy tomorrow. I am really flabergasted by how you accuse him left and right of seeing other women and based on nothing. Don't you think you are worthy of attention? Do you live your life always thinking there is another woman better than you somewhere? If you already see the devil in him then discontinue seeing him. You are not a couple, he can tell you he is studying and he can change his mind and go out with his buddies, no he does not have to keep you updated on his plans.
olivetree Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 complimentary..The compliments are just endless.. especially in terms of my looks. So I suppose I thought he really did have a huge interest in me.. Sounds like he has a huge interest in your body, not you. 2
act00 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Typically "what you're looking for" in dating has been brought up in the beginning couple dates or online, and online, this is listed as their overall goal (long-term, serious, casual, sex-only, friends). I won't bother with the casuals...sometimes I do, but at least in my mind I know it's going to be touch and go and dating sparse and whether or not he's spending time with other women or just busy, I'm not going to get invested. It's totally okay to bring up the topic. If it makes him run off because you're seeking a husband, he's not the one. If he says he's only interested in casual, the answer for you is clear. Try not to think beyond the next date. I know, easier said than done, but you really can't fret about these guys and you just need to go about your business and life. Was it truly that impossible to squeeze some time in to see him? You blew him off because you were tired and having a bad week. Then you're upset he goes about his life. For me, schedules collide a little, so it's a matter of simply can't, but if scheduling worked out, I probably would have made it a point to see this great guy, so as not to lose momentum, and spending time with a great guy and getting some smooching and affection is an excellent way to lift your spirits. The over-complementing is something that would worry me - either he is desperate or a player, smooth with the complements, to get you hooked. You have a LOT of reservations about this man, and you're too closely monitoring him, which is making you crazy. Just stop. When a guy sets off the spidey senses, you might pursue another date or two, just to see, but you can't obsess about what they're doing and what they're thinking, and pay attention to what is going amiss...hard to spot when things are new and hot, but something is setting you off. Don't expect blowing him off for a week will go over well. Look at how well you're handling his unavailability. Just BE. Just enjoy and don't start thinking about the future; only think about the next date...this "allowable time to think" expands the longer you're together. Don't be afraid to clarify what they want out of dating. Casual? Serious? And if monogamy is important to you (I don't like him seeing other women either), you need to discuss this. You may have men walk away because of this...and that simply means you're weeding out the riff-raff. 2
Author gemmax Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 Typically "what you're looking for" in dating has been brought up in the beginning couple dates or online, and online, this is listed as their overall goal (long-term, serious, casual, sex-only, friends). I won't bother with the casuals...sometimes I do, but at least in my mind I know it's going to be touch and go and dating sparse and whether or not he's spending time with other women or just busy, I'm not going to get invested. It's totally okay to bring up the topic. If it makes him run off because you're seeking a husband, he's not the one. If he says he's only interested in casual, the answer for you is clear. Try not to think beyond the next date. I know, easier said than done, but you really can't fret about these guys and you just need to go about your business and life. Was it truly that impossible to squeeze some time in to see him? You blew him off because you were tired and having a bad week. Then you're upset he goes about his life. For me, schedules collide a little, so it's a matter of simply can't, but if scheduling worked out, I probably would have made it a point to see this great guy, so as not to lose momentum, and spending time with a great guy and getting some smooching and affection is an excellent way to lift your spirits. The over-complementing is something that would worry me - either he is desperate or a player, smooth with the complements, to get you hooked. You have a LOT of reservations about this man, and you're too closely monitoring him, which is making you crazy. Just stop. When a guy sets off the spidey senses, you might pursue another date or two, just to see, but you can't obsess about what they're doing and what they're thinking, and pay attention to what is going amiss...hard to spot when things are new and hot, but something is setting you off. Don't expect blowing him off for a week will go over well. Look at how well you're handling his unavailability. Just BE. Just enjoy and don't start thinking about the future; only think about the next date...this "allowable time to think" expands the longer you're together. Don't be afraid to clarify what they want out of dating. Casual? Serious? And if monogamy is important to you (I don't like him seeing other women either), you need to discuss this. You may have men walk away because of this...and that simply means you're weeding out the riff-raff. I agree that I made no time for him this week and so he had a right to go on a date, its how he has lied about it both times is a little insulting. The only reason why I am over monitoring him is down to the last two guys who ghosted me, I am probaly more on alert about how much I let myself like someone.
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 I agree that I made no time for him this week and so he had a right to go on a date, its how he has lied about it both times is a little insulting. The only reason why I am over monitoring him is down to the last two guys who ghosted me, I am probaly more on alert about how much I let myself like someone. How do you know he was on dates?
Author gemmax Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 I might tell him that Im glad that he had a great time on his date. He is out with another woman for 5 hours ,(trust me when I say I know this to be the case from how he usually texts when hes out with friends or at home) and then immediately thereafter texts me that he has spent 5 days missing me so much. Its total bull****.
Author gemmax Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 How do you know he was on dates? trust me I know, from what he said before and after both times. Even both times he instantly comes on texting about his whereabouts, which is something he doesnt even have to do. He obviously is just trying to convince me he wasnt on a date.
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 trust me I know, from what he said before and after both times. Even both times he instantly comes on texting about his whereabouts, which is something he doesnt even have to do. He obviously is just trying to convince me he wasnt on a date. You have no proof you are just extrapolating.
act00 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 I agree that I made no time for him this week and so he had a right to go on a date, its how he has lied about it both times is a little insulting. The only reason why I am over monitoring him is down to the last two guys who ghosted me, I am probaly more on alert about how much I let myself like someone. So maybe instead of obsessing and monitoring, just work on your own activities. I don't care if that activity is organizing the toilet paper or writing down a list of things you want to look up later (and follow through) or take a walk or catch a show everyone is talking about...just find other "obsessions." Please tell me why any guy (or girl) wants to give you a full play-by-play of their dating. It's more of a thing that is known but unspoken, in my experience. I, personally, don't want to hear about it and would rather pretend I don't know until we reach a place where exclusivity is what we, as a couple, want, and we do just that. Seriously, is there a hobby you have been interested in trying or something else you can put your undivided attention to? Waiters do a LOT of waiting. You need to find an alternative obsession. The idea being, if he's unavailable, you're thinking, that sucks, but yay I can work on my needlepoint and I won't have to shave! You can't base every new relationship on the bad eggs. Yes, we more clearly recognize warning signs, and question if it's paranoia on our part, but you can't walk in expecting the worst with some guy who never did these things to you. You've said a couple times you KNOW he's lying and you KNOW things aren't adding up...The signs are red and bright and in your face with this guy...move on. 1
fred123 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Im sorry but its selfish of you and wrong. If there is a girl who is into him and willing to make time and effort to see him and you arent surely you should be encourgaing him to go for a girl who is into him and making time and effort. You arent so why would you get upset?! Can a female explain this concept to me?
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 (edited) Unless and until a new guy actually demonstrates clear and present interest on a consistent basis, he's just a guy I went on few dates with. I expect nothing and I'm too busy with my own life to be fretting over what he's doing or not doing. If you do go out with him again though, it's time to have a casual conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys. You make a statement: "You know, xname, I am hoping to have a long-term, committed relationship with someone as my dating goal. I am not seeing anyone else right now". And, then let him talk. You don't call him out on anything, you don't raise the lapses in communication. You put him on notice about what you want and "where" you are on this dating scenario and let him tell you what's what with him. Given these lapses, however, I'd continue to sit back and observe even if you have a conversation with him that satisfies you that he's truly interested in you. Put him on a shelf for now. And, don't reach out to him first. Let him initiate for the most part for a bit longer. Go out an date some others too. That will take the focus off of him. because it kills my confidence. ..and is almost bringing out this needy mindset -- Ah, the imagination Imaging all sorts of scenarios over which you have no control. Imagination is a powerful thing -- use it for more useful and satisfying things. And, nobody, but nobody kills your confidence. You do that to yourself. If things don't work out with this guy, there's nothing wrong with you! It is what it is. Neediness/clingyness are really about wanting to control a situation/guy. When you let go of that ideation that you actually do or should have control over all this, you will feel more relaxed. It should be a relief to realize and accept that you don't have to even try to control things. It's exhausting Sit back and chill. Focus on you and your life, your friends, your family. Edited September 15, 2017 by Redhead14 2
GemmaUK Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Unless and until a new guy actually demonstrates clear and present interest on a consistent basis, he's just a guy I went on few dates with. I expect nothing and I'm too busy with my own life to be fretting over what he's doing or not doing. If you do go out with him again though, it's time to have a casual conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys. You make a statement: "You know, xname, I am hoping to have a long-term, committed relationship with someone as my dating goal. I am not seeing anyone else right now". And, then let him talk. You don't call him out on anything, you don't raise the lapses in communication. You put him on notice about what you want and "where" you are on this dating scenario and let him tell you what's what with him. Given these lapses, however, I'd continue to sit back and observe even if you have a conversation with him that satisfies you that he's truly interested in you. Put him on a shelf for now. And, don't reach out to him first. Let him initiate for the most part for a bit longer. Go out an date some others too. That will take the focus off of him. because it kills my confidence. ..and is almost bringing out this needy mindset -- Ah, the imagination Imaging all sorts of scenarios over which you have no control. Imagination is a powerful thing -- use it for more useful and satisfying things. And, nobody, but nobody kills your confidence. You do that to yourself. If things don't work out with this guy, there's nothing wrong with you! It is what it is. Neediness/clingyness are really about wanting to control a situation/guy. When you let go of that ideation that you actually do or should have control over all this, you will feel more relaxed. It should be a relief to realize and accept that you don't have to even try to control things. It's exhausting Sit back and chill. Focus on you and your life, your friends, your family. Well said! And that ^^^^ is it all really. This is how to approach every single dating relationship. Self value is the key to doing it. If you have no self value then you may as well find a babel fish to stick in your ear to understand Redhead's post. If you don't know what a babel fish it, google it.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 You should stop seeing this guy. Not necessarily because he is dating others, but because you've already decided that he's a player and just like the guy who hurt you before. There really is no point continuing to see someone when you choose to believe the negative narrative you have going in your mind about that person. There is a balance and fine line between using good judgment and walking away when you suspect foul play, and projecting past hurts on to people you barely know. You're engaging primarily in the latter here.
Miss Spider Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 The beginning stages of dating or not painful at all if you don't put all your eggs in the basket of someone that's showing you they're not really that interested
Redhead14 Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 The only real way to not come across as needy, is to actually not be needy.
Author gemmax Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 so immediately after sleeping together.. two days later he told that he liked me too much, the relationship was too intense and moving too fast.. and that he was not in a position to be anybody's bf or in a relationship while on an intensive mba program and so it would not be fair to me. I love how it only dawned on him after having sex that he was on an mba progam?!? the day before sleeping together he told how much he genuinely liked me, how he would do nothing to jeopardise my trust or friendship, how he wasn't some guy just trying to use me, how I was the only person here that he loved spending time with etc etc.. the list goes on. today he told me he would still like to hang out and be friends, not sure how to respond to that or if he even means it. Im really winning on this dating scene.
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