How to not be needy in dating

[gemmax]

OK So I have gone on three dates with this guy. He seems like a lovely genuine guy and everytime were together he expresses to me how beautiful he thinks I am how thinks we should wait to sleep together because he really likes me.. etc [after the last guy who ghosted after sex I am for sure not sleeping with this guy anytime soon\

 

The thing is I really like him too, and I have no interest in dating other men

 

but twice this week his phone has been off between 7-11.30pm and didnt respond to my messages. He then messaged me a legthly message at 11.30 to say he was at a networking event, which was a lie because his phone wouldnt have been off in that case.

 

Tonight its the same thing, he told me he was going home and getting an early night, I txt him back and his phone has been off ever since. between 7.30 -10.30 so he is clearly on another date.

 

I dont understand why I find the early stages of dating so painful, because I know you are all going to say to me that of course he is dating other women and he is entitled to. He expresses to me as if I am a huge interest to him, but I feel like if that were the case he wouldnt feel the need to date others. He would be willing enough to take a chance on me as I am on him and see where it goes.

 

Were supposed to see eachother this weekend, but I almost just want to forget about it now.. because it kills my confidence. ..and is almost bringing out this needy mindset in my head when on our first few dates I was simply happy getting to know him.

 

Does anybody have any tips on how to deal with this? Also, after how many dates do you think its acceptable for a guy not to see anybody else?

Edited September 14, 2017 by gemmax

[Gaeta]

He sounds more like a married man than a guy dating around.

 

How to not be needy? My answer is date the right man.

 

I've noticed a lot of people on here talking about their relationship anxiety are simply not dating someone genuinely interested in them. They think they are needy but they're only ignoring their intuition warning them something is off.

[gemmax]

He sounds more like a married man than a guy dating around.

 

How to not be needy? My answer is date the right man.

 

I've noticed a lot of people on here talking about their relationship anxiety are simply not dating someone genuinely interested in them. They think they are needy but they're only ignoring their intuition warning them something is off.

 

Hi Gaeta, he's definitely not married. He is studying on an MBA and only arrived in the uk a month ago.

 

Its just difficult where there is culture to date multiple people but I cannot do that myself. When I like someone I want to take a chance on them.

 

Again he being ott on how much he likes me, how he can't understand why I dont have a boyfriend, how he wants to take me on vacation.. how he doesnt want to rush sex etc. because he likes me so much.

 

Im just losing the will to live with men. Its all so confusing.

[d0nnivain]

I turn my phone off at networking events. I'm there to concentrate on developing business not texting with my social friends. So it might not be a lie.

 

 

How soon you date exclusively depends on the people involved. If you haven't discussed it you need to assume the other person is multi-dating. If you prefer one on one tell him.

 

 

You also need to discuss how much between date contact you expect. Personally daily contact early on made me nuts. Some people prefer it.

 

 

As long as you are doing it from a position of strength & self confidence you are allowed to express your preferences & that is not needy. Saying I prefer daily contact is not needy per se. Saying if you don't call me everyday I don't know what I'm going to do is problematic. You are seeking the same result but how you express that desire informs the level of neediness.

[gemmax]

I turn my phone off at networking events. I'm there to concentrate on developing business not texting with my social friends. So it might not be a lie.

 

 

How soon you date exclusively depends on the people involved. If you haven't discussed it you need to assume the other person is multi-dating. If you prefer one on one tell him.

 

 

You also need to discuss how much between date contact you expect. Personally daily contact early on made me nuts. Some people prefer it.

 

 

As long as you are doing it from a position of strength & self confidence you are allowed to express your preferences & that is not needy. Saying I prefer daily contact is not needy per se. Saying if you don't call me everyday I don't know what I'm going to do is problematic. You are seeking the same result but how you express that desire informs the level of neediness.

 

well he had wanted to see me anyday this week but I was too tired from work. So I said lets wait until the weekend. Monday night he was at a networking event and continued to text so thats why tuesday i feel like he was on date, as he is tonight (given that he said he was going home to study)

 

This is where my self confidence can blow things, because the second I start liking someone I lose my cool a bit. Which is why I almost just want to forget about it because I think he obviously isnt as interested as he pretends to be.

 

I guess on the first few dates I was confident with him because I felt like he liked me where now Im probaly going to me more unsure about it and wont even come across as well.

[d0nnivain]

Here's part of your problem: he wanted to see you in person & spend time with. You said no because you are too tired yet you have the energy to fret about why he's not texting you. Try spending more time with him rather than making yourself buts assuming the worst.

[Gaeta]

 

Its just difficult where there is culture to date multiple people but I cannot do that myself. When I like someone I want to take a chance on them.

 

Again he being ott on how much he likes me, how he can't understand why I dont have a boyfriend, how he wants to take me on vacation.. how he doesnt want to rush sex etc. because he likes me so much.

 

Im just losing the will to live with men. Its all so confusing.

 

Why do you jump to the conclusion he is lying and on other dates with women? Didn't you have 3 great dates? So why do you assume the worse of him?

 

Why are you sure he's not married? Isn't he in your country only for 1 month? How are you so sure he doesn't have someoen in his home country? you don't know him, you only had 3 dates.

 

You've only had 3 dates and I find it a bit over-board that he speaks about taking you on vacations and saying things like he doesn't understand why you are single. Every time I heard that in my dating years I was beeing love-bombed. Same about a man saying *he doesn't want to rush sex* it's all talk for you to take your guards down. A man that doesn't want to rush sex just does not rush it, he does not announce it.

 

I would be very very suspicious of this man if I were you.

[gemmax]

I agree! my suspicions are now pretty high. He is most likely full of ****.

[Gaeta]

I agree! my suspicions are now pretty high. He is most likely full of ****.

 

Any other reasons why you say that?

[gemmax]

Any other reasons why you say that?

 

not really. Im just seeing a pattern with the last guy I really liked (the one who ghosted). This guy is even more complimentary..The compliments are just endless.. especially in terms of my looks. So I suppose I thought he really did have a huge interest in me..but having said that we seem more compatible and have a lot of fun together. He also appears to be more direct than the last guy and not trying to show off.. but I dont know. Its just the fact I know he has gone on two dates this week (trust me I know this) that has thrown me a little bit.

 

 

even If i see him again at this point I most likely wont behave the same way because I no longer trust it.

[Gaeta]

not really. Im just seeing a pattern with the last guy I really liked (the one who ghosted). This guy is even more complimentary..The compliments are just endless.. especially in terms of my looks. So I suppose I thought he really did have a huge interest in me..but having said that we seem more compatible and have a lot of fun together. He also appears to be more direct than the last guy and not trying to show off.. but I dont know. Its just the fact I know he has gone on two dates this week (trust me I know this) that has thrown me a little bit.

 

 

even If i see him again at this point I most likely wont behave the same way because I no longer trust it.

 

He is definitely love-bombing you. They all have the same pattern. Is he online a lot?

[gemmax]

He's even told me constantly that he has gone on a few dates but has not clicked with anybody the way he has with me, and that he likes me alot. So he is either pursuing hook up dates because he knows Im not going to sleep with anytime soon.. or he is just bs'ing me and being lovey dovey in the hopes that will make me sleep with him sooner.

[gemmax]

He is definitely love-bombing you. They all have the same pattern. Is he online a lot?

not overly. The last guy was online ALL the time! He isnt online a huge amount.. but then being part of an mba program you would be in a lot of groups so that would also make sense to be online.

he also says he wants me to meet all his class etc and go out all the time with them.

[Gaeta]

not overly. The last guy was online ALL the time! He isnt online a huge amount.. but then being part of an mba program you would be in a lot of groups so that would also make sense to be online.

he also says he wants me to meet all his class etc and go out all the time with them.

 

Now he sounds like someone on the rebound. How long he's been single?

[gemmax]

He also added me on fb and spotify ..like why bother doing that if youre just ****ing someone around

[gemmax]

Now he sounds like someone on the rebound. How long he's been single?

 

6 months.. but he describes his ex gf as not the sharpest tool in the shed.

[gemmax]

So how can you tell when someone is love bombing you or just expressing how much they like you??

[Gaeta]

6 months.. but he describes his ex gf as not the sharpest tool in the shed.

 

How long was he with her?

 

* other red-flag: degrading an ex within 3 dates.

[Gaeta]

So how can you tell when someone is love bombing you or just expressing how much they like you??

 

Love bombing is exactly like you described it. The compliments are flowing and often it's all about your looks. They express you are better than other women but they don't know you at all to be making such statement. On top of flooding you with compliments they will talk about the future etc.

 

Someone that is genuinely interested in you will give you compliments of course but he won't overwhelme you with it. Their compliments are real, they'll say you are pretty, or what you wear is nice, or they like such and such a thing on you, but it won't be over the top.

[gemmax]

Im not sure that I will ever be able to properly discern between the two..

 

do you think its wise to just forget about it?

 

or should I just date him and have fun (as I do have fun dates with him) but change my mindset to being detached and assume his interest in me is bs (as I was already starting to like him too much)

[d0nnivain]

or should I just date him and have fun (as I do have fun dates with him) but change my mindset to being detached and assume his interest in me is bs (as I was already starting to like him too much)

 

 

If you can detach yourself try to go with the flow. Be cautious & don't get too emotionally invested. Given how upset you already are about whether his phone is off, your desire for all these texts when you can't be bothered seeing him in person & your self-described neediness, I don't think you are capable of being detached As you said you already like him too much.

 

 

I'm not as skeptical as Geata but she has more recent dating experiences then I do.

[coolheadal]

He also added me on fb and spotify ..like why bother doing that if youre just ****ing someone around

 

You seem bored with your answers towards him. If your not happy then why care what he does or when he ask you say no. It's you is confused or just not willing to put in much effort. Men are not stupid they can pickup on what your ideal life situation you want. Stop clowning around if your seriously thinking about this guy then stop complaining about him. No one is perfect my dear and clearly shows me your not either. Relax yourself too worked up and just nick picking at this guy faults.. Look at your faults instead. Can you tell me you perfect in every way all shapes all forms..

[gemmax]

If you can detach yourself try to go with the flow. Be cautious & don't get too emotionally invested. Given how upset you already are about whether his phone is off, your desire for all these texts when you can't be bothered seeing him in person & your self-described neediness, I don't think you are capable of being detached As you said you already like him too much.

 

 

I'm not as skeptical as Geata but she has more recent dating experiences then I do.

 

its not just the fact that his phone is off, its the fact that he txt me at 7 to say he is going home to study.. and when can he see me next, but then 5 hours later my message has yet to be delivered because he is very obviously out.

 

I guess its my fault because he gave me first choice all week, and this other person was obviously more willing to make the effort. Usually, I would have made the effort, Im just having a particularly bad week.

[gemmax]

You seem bored with your answers towards him. If your not happy then why care what he does or when he ask you say no. It's you is confused or just not willing to put in much effort. Men are not stupid they can pickup on what your ideal life situation you want. Stop clowning around if your seriously thinking about this guy then stop complaining about him. No one is perfect my dear and clearly shows me your not either. Relax yourself too worked up and just nick picking at this guy faults.. Look at your faults instead. Can you tell me you perfect in every way all shapes all forms..

you are honestly way off the mark there. but nevermind.

[gemmax]

he just text to say he was out late with his classmates and that he had a great time but would like to see more tomorrow. Its simply not true because messages would have delivered. You only put your phone on airplane mode if youre on date. I think i will say im busy tomorrow.