Is it normal to still have hope? (dumpee)

[dancingintherain12]

It is confusing what you wrote....you broke up with him because you were losing feelings for him......yet you both love each other .... you miss him and it hurts you that after you broke up with him, he does not contact you.

 

After a year or two those initially wild feelings settle down, this is a completely normal stage of any romantic relationship, some young people think that they lost feelings or that something is wrong with the relationship. It's normal relationship dynamic.

 

I hope this is not the reason you broke up with him.

 

It's very important to reflect on your own feelings, be aware of your feelings and act accordingly. Do not confuse being lonely with reconsidering your feelings for him.

 

Breakups are always hard on everyone involved, especially on the dumpee.... he is the dumpee, so it's not likely that he will contact you. If you want him back (be sure you love him), YOU need to reach out, show up at his door and make amends, have a heart to heart. <3

I broke p with him because I knew he was going to break up with me so I did it over the phone to beat him to the chase. I called him back after and said I regret doing that and he said I can't take it back. I'm the dumpee in this; he doesn't want our relationship back. I didn't beg for the relationship or plead but he knows I would go back if he asked for sure. I didn't lose all my feelings for him but I felt as if we weren't progressing and I was confused and it's something I wanted to work on with him. Never did I think he'd flip the script..

[dancingintherain12]

I just felt as if the relationship wasn't progressing and was stagnant. -- So you passively-aggressively ended the relationship by being hurtful instead of addressing that concern with him?

 

If that was how you were feeling about the situation, that's what you should have addressed. It sounds to me like you allowed resentment to build up and it came out in a hurtful way and that breaking up really wasn't your intention.

 

Relationships have an ebb and flow. The one who is feeling the ebb isn't communicating with the other partner. the other partner doesn't know "where" you are and they aren't being given the opportunity/benefit of knowing what that partner is needing. That's not fair. You didn't give him the opportunity to address it with you as a couple.

I didn't end the relationship because I wanted to!! I ended it because I knew he was going to and I freaked out and ended it before He did to avoid being br Own up with as I have been broken up with by a guy in every relationship but he was my first real relationship. I told him I lost feelings and he said me too. He said something has to give and I cried and said please don't break up with me. But he told me he wanted to meet the next day to do it because when I asked if he was going to meet me to break up with me he said "don't make this harder than it is" I did want to work it out. I didnt say I lost feelings just to end it but to work on it.

[dancingintherain12]

Just to clarify with everyone/ I told him a month prior to us breaking up I lost feelings and I needed him to take me more seriously. He did not tell me he lost feelings when I told him that. When I told him it again, a month later, that's when we broke up because he "lost the feelings too". He doesn't want me back. Did I mess up?

[BC1980]

I didn't lose all my feelings for him. I just felt as if the relationship wasn't progressing and was stagnant. I still love him as a person and as my ex boyfriend and still have feelings for the relationship. It didn't go away completely.

 

Are you saying you felt like the two of you weren't on the same wavelength? Were you more committed and wanted to move in a more permanent direction then him?

[BC1980]

Just to clarify with everyone/ I told him a month prior to us breaking up I lost feelings and I needed him to take me more seriously. He did not tell me he lost feelings when I told him that. When I told him it again, a month later, that's when we broke up because he "lost the feelings too". He doesn't want me back. Did I mess up?

 

If you told him you lost feelings, you can't blame him for backing off at that point. It also doesn't make sense to tell him you lost feelings but to take you more seriously. If you truly did loose feelings, you'd have been done and not wanted him to take you more seriously.

 

I think you were upset he wasn't taking it as seriously as you, and you got exasperated and annoyed. I don't know if you mistook those feelings for lost feelings or if you told him that to see how he would react. I could be wrong, but I'm reading between the lines. But some of what you are saying doesn't make sense.

[Redhead14]

OP, your communication style in this thread is confusing and disjointed. If that is how the communication went between the two of you during the relationship, it's no wonder it failed.

 

But, I'll say this, even if you think someone is going to break up with you, you don't pre-empt them. You let things go their natural course without trying to take control.

[dancingintherain12]

If you told him you lost feelings, you can't blame him for backing off at that point. It also doesn't make sense to tell him you lost feelings but to take you more seriously. If you truly did loose feelings, you'd have been done and not wanted him to take you more seriously.

 

I think you were upset he wasn't taking it as seriously as you, and you got exasperated and annoyed. I don't know if you mistook those feelings for lost feelings or if you told him that to see how he would react. I could be wrong, but I'm reading between the lines. But some of what you are saying doesn't make sense.

 

I was upset he wasn't putting in as much effort and being the boyfriend he used to be. He stopped asking me to hang out as much and I would have fights with him over that. It got me fed up. I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I did lose feelings but not all feelings. Now that we broke up its clear I didn't. I'm sorry I'm being confusing. I'm confused with my own emotions and I'm upset it ended and he's done with me. What do I do now? We're not contacting eachother. I have tried to reach out before and have explained that I do miss him. But I never pleaded or begged for him back. Is that what I should of done even though I knew he was done? He was fed up with the arguments and the nagging

[Maldives]

I didn't end the relationship because I wanted to!! I ended it because I knew he was going to and I freaked out and ended it before He did to avoid being br Own up with as I have been broken up with by a guy in every relationship but he was my first real relationship. I told him I lost feelings and he said me too. He said something has to give and I cried and said please don't break up with me. But he told me he wanted to meet the next day to do it because when I asked if he was going to meet me to break up with me he said "don't make this harder than it is" I did want to work it out. I didnt say I lost feelings just to end it but to work on it.

 

 

Ahhh that makes sense. Even though u initiated it really feels like it was yourself that's been dumped here. Thsts hard. I guess u were trying to have that conversation and that concern u raised was the camel that broke the camel's back.

 

About him. I can kinda gleam from his reaction that he probably felt maybe overwhelmed. I know wen I use to hear my ex say these things all of wanna do is break up to teach her a lesson by hurting her and in doing so hoping that she would come to her senses and see what a sensational duder I was lol. What I failed to see or acknowledge was that she was trying to tell me how she felt and couldn't accept within myself that I wasnt making her happy. I think us guys have a lot to learn wen it comes to our own sense of pride and respect. The moment we feel were being attacked because that's what these conversations feel like to us we go on the defensive and I wouldn't be at all surprised that's what's happened here. Men feel like it's our woman always whining which exhausts us I know better now. Having said that I know a better way u could have gotten ur message across. Rather than being direct and saying I lost feelings which I bet my bottom dollar made him get on the defensive there's a more effective way of getting that point across the will resonate with him. I know sounds crazy but I believe this true because I hear it the same complaint from lots of dudes.

So my answer is to take the directness of the issue out of the conversation. Loss of feelings is like say f off haha I'm not suggesting what words to use but it's kinda more like examples specifics like u know wen u say this I feel like this and this a must u must tell him which behaviour is not on and draw a line in the sand. Men can be pretty thick lol. We dont see the problem but only wen its explainef to us in a way that makes us aware. Think epiphany. Men have to have that epiphany about the situation and u watch that behaviour take a 360 mark my words. I wish I'd done a course or something in communication I'm sure I could have avoided and steered away from many breakups. It's the misunderstandings between one another that causes the resentment and hurt. Communication is like the lube the oil of the relationship in my opinion. Lack of it causes the split. He wasn't getting what it was that was the problem.

 

Part of me thinks I bet his waiting for u to come back begging him and apologising and saying how sorry u were for saying u lost feelings and how wrong u were lol I just know dudes.

Edited September 15, 2017 by Goodguy05

[BC1980]

What do I do now?

 

There isn't much to do unfortunately. Not calling you as much, not hanging out as much, not putting in the effort-those are all signs that someone is drifting away. Did you address these problems during the relationship?

[dancingintherain12]

There isn't much to do unfortunately. Not calling you as much, not hanging out as much, not putting in the effort-those are all signs that someone is drifting away. Did you address these problems during the relationship?

 

 

Yes. But I addressed it very harshly and I guess I did nag him. He works long hours so he is tired after work most of the time. It's something I didn't think was okay though. He would go days without asking me to hang out. Trust me I brought it up several times. I let him know how I feel. I feel guilty because I feel like I could've communicated better..

[dancingintherain12]

Ahhh that makes sense. Even though u initiated it really feels like it was yourself that's been dumped here. Thsts hard. I guess u were trying to have that conversation and that concern u raised was the camel that broke the camel's back.

 

About him. I can kinda gleam from his reaction that he probably felt maybe overwhelmed. I know wen I use to hear my ex say these things all of wanna do is break up to teach her a lesson by hurting her and in doing so hoping that she would come to her senses and see what a sensational duder I was lol. What I failed to see or acknowledge was that she was trying to tell me how she felt and couldn't accept within myself that I wasnt making her happy. I think us guys have a lot to learn wen it comes to our own sense of pride and respect. The moment we feel were being attacked because that's what these conversations feel like to us we go on the defensive and I wouldn't be at all surprised that's what's happened here. Men feel like it's our woman always whining which exhausts us I know better now. Having said that I know a better way u could have gotten ur message across. Rather than being direct and saying I lost feelings which I bet my bottom dollar made him get on the defensive there's a more effective way of getting that point across the will resonate with him. I know sounds crazy but I believe this true because I hear it the same complaint from lots of dudes.

So my answer is to take the directness of the issue out of the conversation. Loss of feelings is like say f off haha I'm not suggesting what words to use but it's kinda more like examples specifics like u know wen u say this I feel like this and this a must u must tell him which behaviour is not on and draw a line in the sand. Men can be pretty thick lol. We dont see the problem but only wen its explainef to us in a way that makes us aware. Think epiphany. Men have to have that epiphany about the situation and u watch that behaviour take a 360 mark my words. I wish I'd done a course or something in communication I'm sure I could have avoided and steered away from many breakups. It's the misunderstandings between one another that causes the resentment and hurt. Communication is like the lube the oil of the relationship in my opinion. Lack of it causes the split. He wasn't getting what it was that was the problem.

 

Part of me thinks I bet his waiting for u to come back begging him and apologising and saying how sorry u were for saying u lost feelings and how wrong u were lol I just know dudes.

 

It was for sure the straw that broke the camels back. I'm upset because I never saw it coming from him. and i told him i learned my lesson and regretted it and he said hes not trying to teach me a lesson and its not my fault. i have expressed i do love him. basically what happened is we broke up. he said he wanted to go on a "break" for a few months. i hit him up twelve days later to hear if hes done with me or wants to be with me and he said hes done. then i sent angry texts saying ill find someone better who loves me and wont walk out the door. he said hes sorry it has to be like this but he cant change the way he feels and we just wont work as a couple. i didnt speak to him for another 12 days. asked to meet for closure. then he said the things i said to him over text when i was angry was the most disgusting thing ive said. he said he felt hurt when i said i wasnt into him anymore. i cried but he said he cant go forward with the relationship. we didnt talk for another 12 days and i reached out again saying how i missed him. he said maybe we can meet and talk once a week but dont think were getting back together. he said he has wanted to reach out to me a couple times but he had will power not to. he also asked if i was hooking up with other people. i know he misses me and loves me. its just that is it bad i didnt beg for the relationship back? i obviously showed how much he meant to me and how much the relationship meant. we then decided its best not to talk. i miss him everyday and feel like i made the biggest mistake.

[Maldives]

Don't beat yourself up too much it's not all ur fault. U acting that way was because He was not meeting ur needs and that was u crying out for attention. He's long days etc probably tipped him over the edge. Give it space and time u can never tel what happens in the future. If i was u go NC from now on in I think youve shown pretty clearly u don't want it over he has been clear he wants space so give him that. He's kind of expecting u to reach out again so wen u don't it'll force him to reminise about the relationship and what he wants nc from here on in don't make it any worse for him or yourself u have a better chance of rekindling giving space whereas contacting him will just give him the power and push him away

Edited September 16, 2017 by Goodguy05

[BC1980]

Yes. But I addressed it very harshly and I guess I did nag him. He works long hours so he is tired after work most of the time. It's something I didn't think was okay though. He would go days without asking me to hang out. Trust me I brought it up several times. I let him know how I feel. I feel guilty because I feel like I could've communicated better..

 

That's your answer then. He wasn't interested in spending more time with you or investing more. He wasn't interested in addressing the problems you brought to his attention. You can't help that or force someone to care. Nagging usually causes pushback by the way. You shouldn't have to resort to nagging.

[dancingintherain12]

Don't beat yourself up too much it's not all ur fault. U acting that way was because He was not meeting ur needs and that was u crying out for attention. He's long days etc probably tipped him over the edge. Give it space and time u can never tel what happens in the future. If i was u go NC from now on in I think youve shown pretty clearly u don't want it over he has been clear he wants space so give him that. He's kind of expecting u to reach out again so wen u don't it'll force him to reminise about the relationship and what he wants nc from here on in don't make it any worse for him or yourself u have a better chance of rekindling giving space whereas contacting him will just give him the power and push him away

 

Thank u. ur advice helps a lot. i have been no contact with him for over a week now. its exactly 7 weeks today since we broke up. since i contacted him so many times, did i mess up on giving him a real chance to miss me? i wonder what he is thinking and why he thinks its best to move on and why he doesnt see a future. he used to love me. but i understand if its unfixable in his eyes. but will he ever come to his senses and want to work on it? its confusing to me how guys think rather than how girls think.

[dancingintherain12]

That's your answer then. He wasn't interested in spending more time with you or investing more. He wasn't interested in addressing the problems you brought to his attention. You can't help that or force someone to care. Nagging usually causes pushback by the way. You shouldn't have to resort to nagging.

 

I didnt see it as nagging at the time but now I look back at it I could see how my communication could have been better. I feel like this is all my fault. I dont know what to do anymore. I didn't beg for him after the relationship. He knew I wanted to make it work but I never really apologized and said that I can change. All I said was I learned my lesson and he said im not trying to teach you a lesson.

 

I really dont want to move on. I feel a lot of guilt for the way the break up went. I feel like I hurt him by breaking up with him over the phone. We both decided not to talk for a while but it has been 12 days and I'm still feeling so much hurt.

[Mittens]

It took me until I was in my mid 40s to really get that you just can't make other people care. They either do or they don't...if they did once but no longer do, the chances of them going back to caring is virtually nil.

 

For whatever reasons, this guy doesn't care anymore about a relationship with you. Doesn't matter in the end who broke up with who, once one person in a relationship decides they don't want it anymore, that's it - the relationship is over. Like others have said the whole 'friends' thing is merely to try and make sure you won't be going around bad mouthing them to everyone and/or that you'll be civil when you see each other in public. It never means real friendship...if that is going to happen, it's usually a long time down the road, when the romantic feelings of both parties have completely gone.

 

I'd also ignore his whole being upset about you going out dating etc...it's no longer any of his business what you do (and vice versa). If you start down that route, you are putting yourself in the role of 'fallback girl'...I did that for 3 years with an ex, it's really not something that I can recommend. I ended up feeling like a unpaid prostitute...

 

12 days NC is still very early days..keep going, the longer you go the less you will feel like breaking it. Only moving forward is worthwhile, anything else is a waste of time and emotion.

[d0nnivain]

Just to clarify with everyone/ I told him a month prior to us breaking up I lost feelings and I needed him to take me more seriously. He did not tell me he lost feelings when I told him that. When I told him it again, a month later, that's when we broke up because he "lost the feelings too". He doesn't want me back. Did I mess up?

 

 

I don't think you messed up per se but I think your communication style could use some polish. That comes from experience. Unfortunately as you are learning the hard way, experience hurts.

 

 

 

 

 

I was upset he wasn't putting in as much effort and being the boyfriend he used to be. He stopped asking me to hang out as much and I would have fights with him over that. It got me fed up. I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I did lose feelings but not all feelings. Now that we broke up its clear I didn't. I'm sorry I'm being confusing. I'm confused with my own emotions and I'm upset it ended and he's done with me. What do I do now? We're not contacting eachother. I have tried to reach out before and have explained that I do miss him. But I never pleaded or begged for him back. Is that what I should of done even though I knew he was done? He was fed up with the arguments and the nagging

 

 

His behavior was telling you what you didn't want to face . . . that he was on the verge of ending things. You beach him to the punch & broke up with him. I'm not going to fault you for that & I implore you not to beat yourself up. No mater who ended it, the fact remains your relationship is over. Pleading & begging him to come back & to be the attentive BF he used to be would only be received as more nagging by him. unless there is something serious & identifiable in the way -- like a military deployment or mandatory work over time / off site temporary relocation -- a man who loves a woman spends time with her. Even the ones away do little things while they are gone. My husband texts me more & more romantically & posts silly things on social media when he has to be gone for work.

 

 

What you do now is heal. That will be a long painful process -- some tears, some anger, some bouts of loneliness. Keep yourself busy & surrounded my supportive friends & family.

 

Yes. But I addressed it very harshly and I guess I did nag him. He works long hours so he is tired after work most of the time. It's something I didn't think was okay though. He would go days without asking me to hang out. Trust me I brought it up several times. I let him know how I feel. I feel guilty because I feel like I could've communicated better..

 

 

Again, I don't think you "messed up." There is no need to feel guilty but I can understand why you are experiencing that emotion. You want to believe that you had more control over this then you did & that somehow if you did something differently the outcome would have led to happily ever after. Sadly, it wasn't only you. You could have done all sorts of things differently / better / more eloquently & the result would have been the same. He was just done. It happens.

 

 

Hang in there.

[marky00]

Been months since I been on here. I see the sad stories haven't stopped

 

 

Hang in their OP. That is all you can do. Whether you want to or not, you will gradually let go because the human body isn't capable of enduring negative emotions indefinitely.