Is it normal to still have hope? (dumpee)

[dancingintherain12]

I am 21 years old. My ex is 25. We have been dating for two years. Everything was amazing and I love him with all my heart. But a couple months ago, I began to feel like we weren't moving at a good pace. I started to lose feelings for him. We started to fight a lot. And then I just lost physical attraction because my feelings were somewhat gone.

 

He would go days without asking me to hang out and that would lead to me nagging him and arguing with him. I thought he would NEVER leave me. I would take some arguments way too far and yell at him late at night.

 

He was always very patient with me and the glue to our relationship. He was my first real love.

 

I told him I started to lose feelings and he needed to take me more seriously and he said okay. That was in June.

 

I just felt like we werent progressing or growing and my feelings for him werent growing and our relationship was stagnant. We would fight over petty little things. We would clash sometimes but I loved him with every fiber in me.

When it was the weekend of my 21st birthday, I started crying to him after we were physical. We were fighting on my birthday weekend and I told him i lost feelings. he said "me too" and that shocked me. I told him please lets not break up and he said something has to give we cant keep going in these circles.

 

we ended up breaking up. i broke up with him over the phone because i knew he was going to break up with me the next day in person and i didnt want that.

 

 

we met 2 days after we broke up and he said he wants a break for a few months but its not gonna be a 'break up'

 

fast forward i talked to his co worker, and im friends with her. she said he said hes done with me 12 days after i met him. i text him and he tells me hes done and he doesnt see a future for us and he doesnt want to lead me on and he loves me but we wont work as a couple and its tedious to keep going to square one every so often. i also found out through his co worker that he asked if im talking to any other guys or if i hooked up with them.

 

we met for closure 2 weeks later (i asked for it) and he said he doesnt see a future. and i was a wreck. i told him maybe we could work on it in the future but he just didnt want to see it that way.

 

i didnt even mention he keeps stating he doesnt want any communication but in the future he wants to be my friend..

 

 

i ended up calling him again 12 days after our closure (which was this week) crying to him. he told me to calm down and told me he has picked up the phone a couple times and dialed my number but all his friends advised not to and he believed it was best we had NC.

 

he asked if im getting with other people and i said no, why does it matter? he said because its messed up if i do and started yelling at me that its disrespectful and that i shouldnt be going around getting meaningless hook ups.

 

he said he wanted to meet this weekend and talk once a week to help us both feel better and i said well see. i could tell he missed me a lot.

 

then i called him 2 days later saying hey i do want to meet up. he told me you sound upset and its too soon. then i proceed to cry. he tells me that he wants to be there for me in order for me not to hurt as bad and we can talk once a week. i just kept crying about the relationship and asking him questions about the future. he then said he had to go as i was crying and hung up and never called back.

 

so the next day i text him and say i dont want a pity party. it doesnt seem like youre ready to deal with things and you need space.i believe you dont truly know what you want and i think its best we dont talk once a week. i say that you contradict yourself a lot and you dont see a future but dont want me to get with other guys. and he says "It's too soon to talk about these things that's why not talking in the first place was the best option"

 

i say its best not to talk anymore and he said lets not talk for a few months.

 

i tell him im always here for him, lets not put a time on it. but i dont think youre in a place where you can think of our whole relationship straight and I think you’re confused on what you want with me. Figure yourself out and I’ll do the same. I hope we can one day come back and things could work out between us. You’re a good guy and thank you for being there for me.

 

he then proceeds to tell me "I agree I want to come back one day and we can stay friends. But for now I'm going to hold back from talking with you even if it hurts Bc I believe it will be for the best."

 

 

 

how do i deal with this? we broke up my bday weekend and i love him so much and never saw this coming. i lost feelings yes but its something i wanted to work on. i dont get why he wants to be friends with me in the future so badly and is ruling us out in the future as a couple. i also think its because he knows me very well and tells me to move on and knows i will hold onto ANY hope if he gives me an inch of wiggle room for hope.

 

hes a good guy and i love him but im just so hurt that he would just leave me like this.

[d0nnivain]

Way too much drama. You dumped him then you too did this unadvisable back & forth nonsense that made you both crazy. Just be done with each other.

 

 

You lost feelings. He wasn't paying enough attention to you. Why do you want to go back to something that wasn't working for you anyway?

[dancingintherain12]

I still loved him. Yeah what break ups aren't drama. I dumped him because I freaked out and acted in the moment because I knew he was gonna dump me. I wanted to work on losing my feelings- I didn't lose all. I'm not the type of person who just walks away when **** hits the fan you know? He was paying attention to me but not enough to meet my needs and I brought losing feelings to his attention because I wanted to work on it- as a couple.

[CaliBabe]

I wanted to work on it- as a couple.

 

You want to work on it, but he doesn't. That alone should make you want to seek someone who is willing to fight the same way you are. Someone who values you enough to work through it when the going gets tough.

 

Give him space, do not contact, and work on yourself. You are really all you've got right now. I am sorry you are hurting, I know the pain myself.

 

By leaving with grace, you will leave him with a positive outlook on you. Begging, pleading, being needy is not sexy. If he is comparing that to a new prospect who is confident and exudes sex appeal, the comparison is easy and you will lose him forever. Keep your dignity. Nothing and no one is worth more than your dignity.

[dancingintherain12]

You want to work on it, but he doesn't. That alone should make you want to seek someone who is willing to fight the same way you are. Someone who values you enough to work through it when the going gets tough.

 

Give him space, do not contact, and work on yourself. You are really all you've got right now. I am sorry you are hurting, I know the pain myself.

 

By leaving with grace, you will leave him with a positive outlook on you. Begging, pleading, being needy is not sexy. If he is comparing that to a new prospect who is confident and exudes sex appeal, the comparison is easy and you will lose him forever. Keep your dignity. Nothing and no one is worth more than your dignity.

 

I know. Youre right. I am walking away with dignity. It just hurt a lot at first and I didnt see the break up coming. I'm glad I never begged or pleaded. I just asked if there was hope for us in the future. Sadly I still think so. I dont know why. I love him and want things to work, but I understand why he doesn't want to be in a relationship where we argue too much and the feelings arent growing. I love him enough to let him go, but it just hurts he is ruling us out in the future.

[stillafool]

Since he was your first love and you being only 21 and him being only 25 he's right that it is way too much drama in your relationship. You two are young and should be out enjoying your life not tied down to a depressing relationship where you fight all the time like an old married couple. He has made it clear he is moving on and any talk of "we'll see what happens in the future" is just that talk. I'm sure he doesn't like the thought of you having sex with another guy because he was your first but he will get over that because obviously you will meet another guy and fall in love again. He probably does want to be your friend in the future but you guys can't be friends now because feelings are too raw. You just have to accept that it is over and start making plans for your new future without him.

[dancingintherain12]

Since he was your first love and you being only 21 and him being only 25 he's right that it is way too much drama in your relationship. You two are young and should be out enjoying your life not tied down to a depressing relationship where you fight all the time like an old married couple. He has made it clear he is moving on and any talk of "we'll see what happens in the future" is just that talk. I'm sure he doesn't like the thought of you having sex with another guy because he was your first but he will get over that because obviously you will meet another guy and fall in love again. He probably does want to be your friend in the future but you guys can't be friends now because feelings are too raw. You just have to accept that it is over and start making plans for your new future without him.

 

I forgot to mention that I was his first girlfriend too. Ive been through a lot of stuff in my life so I am a fighter. He hasnt. He pretty much has a picture perfect life and hasnt gone through much hardships. I'm wondering why hes ruling us out in the future and giving me no hope. If were friends and the feelings come back, then what? I just feel like we had a lot of love for eachother and that just doesn't go away. If we don't work out now, we can grow and possibly come back to eachother and see what happens. I dont know why he doesnt see it the same way I do and just walked away. If you love someone dont you wanna be with them and hope it works in the future?

[stillafool]

Well we all have no idea what the future will bring so perhaps..... In the meantime stay NC and if you do talk to him, don't cry because that definitely turns him off. Be strong when dealing with him. You ask if you guys become friends and the feelings come back then what? Obviously you two might get back together but right now he is not feeling the way you are and hasn't spoken about getting back in the future. You have to move on.

[trustyourself]

I'm wondering why hes ruling us out in the future and giving me no hope. If were friends and the feelings come back, then what? I just feel like we had a lot of love for eachother and that just doesn't go away. If we don't work out now, we can grow and possibly come back to eachother and see what happens. I dont know why he doesnt see it the same way I do and just walked away. If you love someone dont you wanna be with them and hope it works in the future?

 

True reconciliation does not happen over night. Trust me, I know. It can take a long time to get over the hurt and pain and forgive. I tried it at 6 months, and nothing had changed. Neither of us had grown and worked on ourselves (well I had a little, she had not at all:laugh: ) I would say at least a year and see where you stand.

 

Once you both get to the point of being okay without each other, and have no hurt from your past experiences, then maybe you can be friends, and hey, if you are both single and the chemistry is still there, then maybe you can give it another go!

 

My ex and I have that special chemistry, that undeniable attraction and spark. I sometimes wonder if it would still be there a year or two down the line. The problem is, people grow, and maybe our attractions will change in that time too. You cant move on if you are doing it with reconciliation in mind. (I am talking to myself here as well!)

 

I am NC for two months now. I still struggle, but the surges of emotion seem to come less and less.

 

Im sorry this has happened. Work on yourself. Make yourself happy. You need to be the center of that. No one else. Your partner should compliment your happiness, not be it.

[froggymom]

I know it hurts a lot right now but you are very young and there are many young men out there. You are just starting out and this is the time to date and discover what you want in a permanent relationship and what you don't want. It is time to explore the qualities that are important to you in a mate. Give it a little time and the feelings will settle down. In the meantime, keep yourself busy with friends and family. Do you go to school? work? What would you like to accomplish in life?

[d0nnivain]

[]

 

 

You want a happy loving relationship. That is understandable. You didn't have that with him before. You lost feelings. Once that happens they don't come back. You were fighting over petty things. You were in tears on your birthday. This was not healthy.

 

 

You dumped him. Then you made up a bunch of excuses to stay in touch with him. By the time you realized you wanted him back, he was done. You're sad now because this break up was not solely on your terms. You expected that when you said break up, he'd beg to be forgiven & that would shock him into good behavior. It didn't. He's not the man you want him to be nor does he want to behave like that guy. So what are you trying to hang on to? There isn't anything to fight for. This relationship wasn't working for either of you.

 

 

He doesn't really want to be friends with you in the future. He's trying to be polite & mature but still do the right thing. All he's after is the ability to be civilized when you see each other in public. Post break up "Friends" doesn't mean you talk regularly or hang out. It means that when you accidently see each other in public nobody causes a scene & you politely inquire about the other person's health for a few moments before going your separate ways.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Content regarding duplicate thread redacted

[Mrin]

Just for the record - saying "I've lost feelings" to a man is pretty much an ender.

[dancingintherain12]

I posted 2 days ago why me and my ex broke up but long story short I didn't want the break up and he did. We dated for two years. I broke up with him bc I knew he was going to break up with me so I did it over the phone because I was so hurt. We grew apart and lost feelings and I admitted it to him first a month prior to our breakup and again the weekend we broke up. I think once the first time I said I was losing feelings he started to lose them also. Then once I did it again (on my birthday weekend, celebrating my birthday) he got hurt and fed up.

 

He said something has to give and we fight too much and its a red flag.

 

Its been almost 7 weeks and I'm the one who always reached out to him first.

 

We decided its better to not talk. He asked me twice if I was getting with other guys. He also asked a mutual friend if I was with any other guys. But he remains strong on his stance that we just wont "work" and i need to move on and he doesn't see a future anymore. I know he loves me just as much as I love him. He has told me hes wanted to contact me but he believes its for the best not to be in contact even if it hurts.

 

I still have hope that maybe we will come back together after we grow apart.

 

He has told me many many times he wants to be my friend in the future once were moved on. But talking about our relationship and everything is too fresh and too soon.

 

I'm on day 7 all over again of no contact.

The longest we went ever without talking is 12 days. We havent seen eachother in over a month. Has anyone else broke up with their s/o because they grew apart / lost feelings / stopped making as much as an effort to see eachother? It hurts me hes so strong on being broken up. He said I hurt him a lot when I said i wasnt attracted anymore.

[K.K.]

Of course it's normal to have hope. But I think what you're hoping for is that things would go back to the way they were in the beginning. The hope is to have those feelings back. The excitement, the great times.

 

But it sounds like it's gone way downhill from the beginning so unless you both suddenly get struck with the thought of omg I have to have this person again, it's better to remain no contact. And dont be discussing no contact. That goes against the point of no contact.

 

Don't contact him. Let time and distance show you both if you're meant to be or you're not.

 

Sometimes hope is all you have. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't. Been there. Done that. Time will tell.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, I really am.

[1fish2fish]

Him asking you if you're getting with other guys along with friends asking you the same thing will also feed that hope. Unfortunately, holding onto hope will only keep you from moving on completely.

[d0nnivain]

Hope springs eternal but your hope is just that hope. This relationship was over before either of you pulled the trigger to actually end it. You both wanted out. He had stopped trying; you just beat him to the punch by emotionally pulling the trigger.

 

 

His desire for a friendship in the future is not a desire for a real on-going, nurturing interaction or even routine talking. What would you talk about -- your new relationships? Eh . . .NO. Your new SOs won't like you two being in contact. As I said in your other thread all his desire for friendship means is that he wants civility & no drama if you two bump into each other in the future.

[dancingintherain12]

Hope springs eternal but your hope is just that hope. This relationship was over before either of you pulled the trigger to actually end it. You both wanted out. He had stopped trying; you just beat him to the punch by emotionally pulling the trigger.

 

 

His desire for a friendship in the future is not a desire for a real on-going, nurturing interaction or even routine talking. What would you talk about -- your new relationships? Eh . . .NO. Your new SOs won't like you two being in contact. As I said in your other thread all his desire for friendship means is that he wants civility & no drama if you two bump into each other in the future.

 

I'm sorry but you werent in my relationship to tell me that the relationship was over before we broke up and that he doesnt wanna be friends because you dont know him or my relationship. Your posts aren't really helping because you just sound like your jumping to conclusions about my relationship when you havent been in my relationship for two years. I know im coming on an online site but youre acting like you know the ins and outs of everything..

[dancingintherain12]

Of course it's normal to have hope. But I think what you're hoping for is that things would go back to the way they were in the beginning. The hope is to have those feelings back. The excitement, the great times.

 

But it sounds like it's gone way downhill from the beginning so unless you both suddenly get struck with the thought of omg I have to have this person again, it's better to remain no contact. And dont be discussing no contact. That goes against the point of no contact.

 

Don't contact him. Let time and distance show you both if you're meant to be or you're not.

 

Sometimes hope is all you have. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't. Been there. Done that. Time will tell.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, I really am.

 

Youre right. Time does tell all. Im just really impatient lol. I just feel like everyone on this forum hasnt gone through a break up similar to this.. ive been searcing all over the internet of break ups like mine but nada

[Captivating]

It is confusing what you wrote....you broke up with him because you were losing feelings for him......yet you both love each other .... you miss him and it hurts you that after you broke up with him, he does not contact you.

 

After a year or two those initially wild feelings settle down, this is a completely normal stage of any romantic relationship, some young people think that they lost feelings or that something is wrong with the relationship. It's normal relationship dynamic.

 

I hope this is not the reason you broke up with him.

 

It's very important to reflect on your own feelings, be aware of your feelings and act accordingly. Do not confuse being lonely with reconsidering your feelings for him.

 

Breakups are always hard on everyone involved, especially on the dumpee.... he is the dumpee, so it's not likely that he will contact you. If you want him back (be sure you love him), YOU need to reach out, show up at his door and make amends, have a heart to heart. <3

[d0nnivain]

I'm telling you that your relationship was over before you formally broke up based on what you wrote. I highlighted the important factors that show it was ending:

 

I am 21 years old. My ex is 25. We have been dating for two years. Everything was amazing and I love him with all my heart. But a couple months ago, I began to feel like we weren't moving at a good pace. I started to lose feelings for him. We started to fight a lot. And then I just lost physical attraction because my feelings were somewhat gone.

He would go days without asking me to hang out and that would lead to me nagging him and arguing with him. I thought he would NEVER leave me. I would take some arguments way too far and yell at him late at night.

 

He was always very patient with me and the glue to our relationship. He was my first real love.

 

I told him I started to lose feelings and he needed to take me more seriously and he said okay. That was in June.

 

I just felt like we werent progressing or growing and my feelings for him werent growing and our relationship was stagnant. We would fight over petty little things. We would clash sometimes but I loved him with every fiber in me.

When it was the weekend of my 21st birthday, I started crying to him after we were physical. We were fighting on my birthday weekend and I told him i lost feelings. he said "me too" and that shocked me. I told him please lets not break up and he said something has to give we cant keep going in these circles.

 

we ended up breaking up. i broke up with him over the phone because i knew he was going to break up with me the next day in person and i didnt want that.

 

 

we met 2 days after we broke up and he said he wants a break for a few months but its not gonna be a 'break up'

 

fast forward i talked to his co worker, and im friends with her. she said he said hes done with me 12 days after i met him. i text him and he tells me hes done and he doesnt see a future for us and he doesnt want to lead me on and he loves me but we wont work as a couple and its tedious to keep going to square one every so often. i also found out through his co worker that he asked if im talking to any other guys or if i hooked up with them.

 

we met for closure 2 weeks later (i asked for it) and he said he doesnt see a future. and i was a wreck. i told him maybe we could work on it in the future but he just didnt want to see it that way.

 

i didnt even mention he keeps stating he doesnt want any communication but in the future he wants to be my friend..

 

 

i ended up calling him again 12 days after our closure (which was this week) crying to him. he told me to calm down and told me he has picked up the phone a couple times and dialed my number but all his friends advised not to and he believed it was best we had NC.

 

he asked if im getting with other people and i said no, why does it matter? he said because its messed up if i do and started yelling at me that its disrespectful and that i shouldnt be going around getting meaningless hook ups.

 

he said he wanted to meet this weekend and talk once a week to help us both feel better and i said well see. i could tell he missed me a lot.

 

then i called him 2 days later saying hey i do want to meet up. he told me you sound upset and its too soon. then i proceed to cry. he tells me that he wants to be there for me in order for me not to hurt as bad and we can talk once a week. i just kept crying about the relationship and asking him questions about the future. he then said he had to go as i was crying and hung up and never called back.

so the next day i text him and say i dont want a pity party. it doesnt seem like youre ready to deal with things and you need space.i believe you dont truly know what you want and i think its best we dont talk once a week. i say that you contradict yourself a lot and you dont see a future but dont want me to get with other guys. and he says "It's too soon to talk about these things that's why not talking in the first place was the best option"

 

i say its best not to talk anymore and he said lets not talk for a few months.

 

i tell him im always here for him, lets not put a time on it. but i dont think youre in a place where you can think of our whole relationship straight and I think you’re confused on what you want with me. Figure yourself out and I’ll do the same. I hope we can one day come back and things could work out between us. You’re a good guy and thank you for being there for me.

 

he then proceeds to tell me "I agree I want to come back one day and we can stay friends. But for now I'm going to hold back from talking with you even if it hurts Bc I believe it will be for the best."

 

 

 

how do i deal with this? we broke up my bday weekend and i love him so much and never saw this coming. i lost feelings yes but its something i wanted to work on. i dont get why he wants to be friends with me in the future so badly and is ruling us out in the future as a couple. i also think its because he knows me very well and tells me to move on and knows i will hold onto ANY hope if he gives me an inch of wiggle room for hope.

 

hes a good guy and i love him but im just so hurt that he would just leave me like this.

 

All of those things add up to dysfunction & problems with the relationship that had been on going to a long time. That is why I point out it was over before you two said the words.

 

Your break up is not as unique as you want to believe. Lots of people lose feelings. Lots of people have petty fights all the time. Let's be friends in the future is a cliché for a reason -- people don't mean it.

 

But you want to hope. What does that look like? You sitting around for 6 months hoping & praying he will come back?

 

Let's say you do try to be friends. Then next year you get a new BF. Do you really think that new BF is going to be thrilled that you still have your EX in your life? If your EX has a new GF, are the 4 of you going to double date? Of course not. You don't want or need to see him being happy with another woman.

 

I get it you are heartbroken. I am not trying to be mean but I have a longer perspective then you do.

 

Given all the melodrama I suppose it is possible that your EX will come back in short order but him returning still doesn't fix all the things that were wrong in your relationship. He's still going to go out without you. You two will still fight over petty things over & over. You will still nag him. if you have been fighting about the same stuff repeatedly there is no reason to believe that you can work it out.

 

The reality is, the sooner you give up that false hope that he will come back & you two will have a loving supportive relationship again (even though you hadn't had that in the last several months) the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Best wishes.

[Maldives]

Yes it's normal look at me 1 yr on I still hope but it's weird she hurt me so badly this last yr I can't ever see it working

[BC1980]

Why did you say you lost feelings for him but now say you love him?

[dancingintherain12]

Why did you say you lost feelings for him but now say you love him?

 

I didn't lose all my feelings for him. I just felt as if the relationship wasn't progressing and was stagnant. I still love him as a person and as my ex boyfriend and still have feelings for the relationship. It didn't go away completely.

[dancingintherain12]

I'm telling you that your relationship was over before you formally broke up based on what you wrote. I highlighted the important factors that show it was ending:

 

 

 

All of those things add up to dysfunction & problems with the relationship that had been on going to a long time. That is why I point out it was over before you two said the words.

 

Your break up is not as unique as you want to believe. Lots of people lose feelings. Lots of people have petty fights all the time. Let's be friends in the future is a cliché for a reason -- people don't mean it.

 

But you want to hope. What does that look like? You sitting around for 6 months hoping & praying he will come back?

 

Let's say you do try to be friends. Then next year you get a new BF. Do you really think that new BF is going to be thrilled that you still have your EX in your life? If your EX has a new GF, are the 4 of you going to double date? Of course not. You don't want or need to see him being happy with another woman.

 

I get it you are heartbroken. I am not trying to be mean but I have a longer perspective then you do.

 

Given all the melodrama I suppose it is possible that your EX will come back in short order but him returning still doesn't fix all the things that were wrong in your relationship. He's still going to go out without you. You two will still fight over petty things over & over. You will still nag him. if you have been fighting about the same stuff repeatedly there is no reason to believe that you can work it out.

 

The reality is, the sooner you give up that false hope that he will come back & you two will have a loving supportive relationship again (even though you hadn't had that in the last several months) the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thank you. You helped me see things more objectively. Its just hard I feel like I have a cloud of different emotions and my mind feels so foggy. I do miss him a lot and it just sucks how it has to end like this.

[Redhead14]

I didn't lose all my feelings for him. I just felt as if the relationship wasn't progressing and was stagnant. I still love him as a person and as my ex boyfriend and still have feelings for the relationship. It didn't go away completely.

 

I just felt as if the relationship wasn't progressing and was stagnant. -- So you passively-aggressively ended the relationship by being hurtful instead of addressing that concern with him?

 

If that was how you were feeling about the situation, that's what you should have addressed. It sounds to me like you allowed resentment to build up and it came out in a hurtful way and that breaking up really wasn't your intention.

 

Relationships have an ebb and flow. The one who is feeling the ebb isn't communicating with the other partner. the other partner doesn't know "where" you are and they aren't being given the opportunity/benefit of knowing what that partner is needing. That's not fair. You didn't give him the opportunity to address it with you as a couple.