caring guy Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Hi all Things weren't great between us for some months, but we always said i love you & hugged & had sex & did things, trouble is, it was taking me time to get used to her having kids & adapting to them. Together 17 months! Hit a low when i was anebriated & we had an argument & i said i didn't caree anymore & was emotionaly cold & she cryed & i turned over in bed! (hate myself for this). One weekend she had a rare night out with a fiew friends, she don't drink & was chatted up by a guy, they swapped emails, met up, had dinner, visited a fiew times. She was due to go on holiday on the Friday & i look after her house. I arrived & she said she had something to tell me, that she kissed someone the night before. An ex had popped around wanting to chat as he had just argued with his gf. They hugged & he tryed to kiss her & made a mark on her neck. I hugged & forgave her, telling her my love. She went on holliday & i saw emails(accidentally leaft open) on her pc, that were from the guy who chatted her up & they gave me impression they realy liked each other & i puked! I rang her & told her what i'd seen & she admitted it, but promised no sexual contact had happened. They both fancy each other, but she couldn't as she was officialy with me! I admit i haven't helped in our probs & have done things i regret lots, but i never would cheat! She thinks what she did, makes up for my downfalls (liking a drink, pig headedness, being a bit grumpy & not making her feel special). When she got back, she told me she will be going to dinner with him tonight & loves me as a friend, but doesn't trust me that i can change. He makes her feel good & is mature & seems comitted She wants to have coffees with me in town & see each other as friends, but i want her back. I said i'm gonna show her over time my changes & i said that this guy woont be around long as he's 22 & nobody i know thinks he will comit to her kids 10 & 6. I'm gutted, i'm jelous, i'm picturng in my head the together tonight in a restaurant, at hers kissing, maybe sex & it's killing me!, I'm so upset & full of regret & guilt! I'm not contacting her, she knows my full comitment to her & the kids & how i love her! I was brought up to work through the rough times & i told her i want us to look back in the future & laugh at the bad & be happy & prosperous in the future!
whyohwhy Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 it was taking me time to get used to her having kids ...I admit i haven't helped in our probs & have done things i regret lots...liking a drink, pig headedness, being a bit grumpy & not making her feel special...but i never would cheat...I was brought up to work through the rough times... Including the ones you caused? BTW, I don't agree with the commonly held idea that you a man can do almost anything heartless to his wife/gf, but as long as he avoids sexual contact outside the marriage, he's "basically a good guy with maybe just a few little rough spots". I believe that men apply this standard to themselves, because that is the way they view things. Yes, sexual fidelity is very important, and so is the concept of meeting all her most deeply-held emotional needs, including the need to feel connected and cared for. ...she knows my full comitment to her & the kids & how i love her... She'll only know that to the extent that you have SHOWN her that, e.g. by moderating your drinking, being flexible and reasonable about daily matters, treating her with respect and caring, the way SHE wants to be treated. It sounds like the "full commitment" only blossoms when you are crazed with jealousy, thinking of her with another man. ...i said that this [new] guy woont be around long as he's 22 & nobody i know thinks he will comit to her kids 10 & 6... You know, men who are getting left often make this kind of comment, and I'm sorry to say that the credibility is rock bottom, and it also sounds really desperate. She appears to have weighed the odds, and they (for now) have come down on his side. From her point of view...why should she want to be with you?
Author caring guy Posted August 14, 2005 Author Posted August 14, 2005 whyohwhy Yes, i would work through my probs being her, it is difficult taking on someone elses kids, as i am sure you would agree, to get used & to know them! I totaly admit to having had problems, baggage & the things i posted, but i'm sorry for this & am working on them, i would never cheat. I don't agree that a man can do anything to his partner except straying & get away with it either! Yes, i have been complacent & a kick up the backside it has taken to make me pull myself together. Whilst we were having a little space around end of June, we talked of engagement & i started to change my ways, about drink, my feelings towards her commitment wise, respect & showng her she is important. Whilst i was doing this, she intended on seeing this other guy at sme time behind my back & then after a month or so, she'd chose, until i found out! Maybe i sound desperate & it's my fault that maybe it's too late, but i love her so much, always have, always told her, been there for her & helped her. I just think a 22 year old taking responsibility for someone elses kids is hard to believe long time, especially as his msn profile says he likes beer, wine, spirits, women, clubs etc! all what my (ex) partner hates. She's a good looking girl & has a body & face of someone a lot younger, i'm not just saying this as wishful thinking, but after the honeymoon period is over & he realises his nights are taken up with staying in with screaming kids, he'll move on to someone without baggage & more his own age! A guy of 30 with 2 kids dating a 22 year old girl i see as not a long term thing as she would want to play the field at her age, & same (more) with a guy, not be lumbered in the house at weekends because of the kids!! I've told her my 100% commitment to her & family & am very close to her children, as they are to me! & better the devil you know, than the devil you don't!
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Man.. You are worrying to much about her.. She is with some other guy.. Some other guy is banging her.. How can you make statements about his kids and her and what a 22 year old wants.. You guys are history and she has moved on.. you have not.. Pick up your balls..Stuff them back into your sack and go out and find someone that you click with.. Stop dwelling on her.. SHE DECIDED YOU WERE NOT FOR HER.. Take her at her word and Leave her to her decision
Author caring guy Posted August 14, 2005 Author Posted August 14, 2005 I'm not gonna dwell on her, i'm gonna get opertunity to see others & if it comes along, i'll take it. She just tells me, she still wants me as a friend & to meet up occasionally (she does this with other ex's) & i have an incline it's not gonna last & if she wants me i'll be there. She loves me she said, but unless i sort my faults out, can'yt be with me. I am a guy that wants to work on stuff, wanna look back in 5 years & say 'yeh, that year was ****, but these 4 have been great! i shall check out other relationship posssibilities, but i'm still keeping my eyes on this. Jeez, she's only seen him 5 times. She also told me i was the best bf she ever had for some things, we clicked so damn good. Anyway, it's always the dumper that moves on & the dumped doesn't straight away, thats logic!
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Show some self respect for yourself and tell her to fuc* off on being friends.. No.. You cannot be friends with an ex.. Unless you both have NO romantic feelings for each other.. You have romantic feelings for her and will be handed your heart each and every time you speak to or see her. I'm sure you have seen NC.. Do it.. for your own mental health.. Fuc* her, she stomped all over you man.. and wants to use you further by relieving her guilt.. That is why she wants to be friends.. NEVER talk to her again and if she contacts you.. Ignore her..
C Mee Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Originally posted by whyohwhy Including the ones you caused? BTW, I don't agree with the commonly held idea that you a man can do almost anything heartless to his wife/gf, but as long as he avoids sexual contact outside the marriage, he's "basically a good guy with maybe just a few little rough spots". I believe that men apply this standard to themselves, because that is the way they view things. Yes, sexual fidelity is very important, and so is the concept of meeting all her most deeply-held emotional needs, including the need to feel connected and cared for. Spoken like a true woman. Meet all my demands, now, or I'll **** the next dick that comes along. You'll wind up bitter old hag if you continue to think this way. How do you know what needs he was meeting for her by reading a few paragraphs on the internet? As for the original poster, you really do need to man up and tell her to get lost with her "friends" crap.
cosis Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 women are the most complicated creature on the planet. I've read numerous books and I will still never understand them.
Author caring guy Posted August 14, 2005 Author Posted August 14, 2005 I love her with all my heart, if i never contact her again, there will be no chance, if i have her as a friend & show her i've totally abstained alcohol, & know my faults. She says she loves me & wanted so much for it to work, but i lyed so much about drinking to her, now thats changed, so who knows in the future. I am still in shock, it's been 2 days, i dreamed last night of her on sofa with this guy, doing things intimatly & just stuff together in general that we did & i woke up crying. I'm so upset!, i am a very emotional person & i wish i wasn't!
cosis Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 alcohol seems to mess up a lot of relationships. Going through it now.
Author caring guy Posted August 14, 2005 Author Posted August 14, 2005 You have to stop alcohol, it ruins everyting. I messed up big time, i stopped now, but seems too late, i can't forgive myself for losing my baby, i am so upset & i hate myself, i need a time machine to make it all better
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