It's Making Me Crazy (Exclusivity Talk)

[Lovelorn00]

That's great news. I think it will be the start of some help. I actually think the bigger part of the picture that you will ultimately find more helpful is to learn the coping tools to change your thought processes so you don't start on the rumination loop. But in conjunction the medicine may help you get over the initial hump. The reason I say get the tools is because you need them for the talk with him and your life can be so much better if what is going on in your head follows more rational thinking and thinking that will support your goals and emotions.

 

You’re right, Versacehottie, and I’ve been desperately searching for those tools. I’ve found a couple that I’ve been using, but they don’t seem to be working. For example, whenever I have a negative thought or start forecasting and predicting negative outcomes, I try to stop myself and say, “But what if you’re wrong?” It works sometimes, but my brain tends to hold on to more evidence that I’m right than evidence that I’m wrong, so that tool hasn’t been very helpful. If anything, it makes the rumination loop worse.

 

Like you said in your response to Cersai is that you know you need to ask him but the answer is "doomed" (i forgot what wording you used so forgive me). How is that true? I can't see why a guy would waste a portion of each and every day to communicate with you for 5 months if he didn't have some interest. So the "answer" is AT LEAST better than doom and gloom and probably closer to whatever the best could be.

 

Over time, my brain has latched on to little incidences that indicate to me that he’s either lost interest or is seeing someone else. My friends all say that I’m “searching” for things to be worried about, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around that. Like he’ll do something that will upset me. Something small, like taking forever to respond to a text. My brain immediately concludes that it’s a major red flag and he’s lost interest. Whenever he does something that upsets me, I try to run it by my closest friends, and usually, their response is, “Are you being serious right now? That’s nothing to worry about. He’s a dude. Get over it.” For some reason, my brain can’t appreciate the fact that he does indeed take a portion of his very busy day to communicate with me for the past 5 months. It’s like I completely ignore that part of it.

 

Here’s why – About 6 years ago, I met a guy and we went on a date. We had been chatting back-and-forth via text for a few weeks beforehand. The date went well, and we agreed that we wanted to see each other again. This guy would text me “good morning” every single morning and text me throughout the day. I loved how communicative he was. Another month went by, and I began to wonder when we would see each other again. I would ask about it, and he would say, “Soon, I’ve just been really busy with work.” (he was a commercial truck driver). Anyway, time continued to go by, and I realized he was never going to ask me out again. But I couldn’t understand why he was initiating contact with me every single day. It finally dawned on me that he just wanted some sort of pen pal and had no intention of seeing me again. Needless to say, I was hurt, but I was also very confused as to why someone would do something like this. This is just one example – it’s happened a couple of times with other guys. As a result, it’s very hard for me to see that the frequency of communication in this case actually means something, because I’ve seen it mean absolutely nothing in the past.

 

You do need some tools (communication ones) so you have a good conversation. So ultimately unless you get "tools" of communication and helping you with logical thinking patterns, the medicine is only a part of the answer. The tools for communicating are pretty simple, you could learn those fast. Overcoming a lifetime of unhelpful thinking patterns and implementing the tools is another thing. I still think you could be better fast enough. I mean, realistically, how much longer do you want to waste living like this? I don't know your financial/insurance situation but I think the first time you mentioned wanting to do this was around a year ago, right? Also think of the opportunity cost of things you miss or mess up due to your anxiety and the way you live your day to day life and I would think you could see that it's should be the highest priority.

I’m hoping the medicine will at least help me with my default “gloom-and-doom” way of thinking. Or, if anything, just alleviate some of the anxiety that I have surrounding the situation. I’d like to get to a place where I don’t feel like I’m dying when I a) have the conversation or b) if the relationship has to end.

 

*btw, not telling you to hold off on the conversation with him. Maybe some of the other posters can help you come up with what to say (some of them are really good at that!). I think you need to do the conversation within the next couple of weeks for your own sanity. It might be awkward or clunky because you don't have practice with this and in your mind you are holding it as a life and death matter. It's not but I realize this will make the conversation more difficult for you. When you work on having better thought processes this thinking will come easier for you, which will reduce the "value" you give to a conversation like this (i.e. not life and death, only 5 month guy). In other words, it's a positive cycle that helps you feel whole and ABLE to ask for what you want & relatively able to get it, i.e. if same was going on with someone without anxiety, she might be able to say to herself that she will survive and it was only 5 months and she will find another guy and doesn't want one that doesn't know or false promises after 5 months. Make sense?

 

Yes, this makes sense. Please note that I also have really bad ONEITIS. I fell for THIS one. I want THIS one. Lol He has qualities that, to me, are really difficult to find, which is why there would be such a profound sense of loss if this were to end. The logical side of my brain totally hears what you’re saying and completely agrees, but the irrational side of my brain says, “Girl, you’re not gonna find anyone better than this.”

Yes, I would love some ideas for what to say when I finally get up the nerve to talk to him. I was thinking something along the lines of, “Hey, we’ve been talking for a few months now, and I’ve really grown to like you and care about you a lot. I just want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else, nor do I have a desire to. I’d be thrilled if you felt the same way.” What about that?

[Redhead14]

Ugh. I know. I'm just not ready for the hurt. I know, I know, I know... it's totally messed up. I talk like my very life is in danger, and I know (logically) that it is not. But this is how it FEELS. I don't understand people who get over heartbreak so easily. It's the most painful experience in the world for me, and I've been cut open with knives, kicked in the face, punched in the stomach, bitten in the face by a dog... I'd MUCH prefer that pain any day over the pain of heartbreak. I just physically cannot handle it.

 

OP, you need to stop living with the "what ifs". And, if you are going to do that, why not do them to the positive side of things? Instead of "what if" he doesn't want exclusivity? You think "what if he does?

 

Fear of the unknown is a powerful thing. One of my favorite quotes is "Fear does not control me, I face it so as to control it."

 

You both might be playing this dance of the minds. And, if so, one of you has to stop being a pussy about it so it might as well be you When that's happening and you're falling into the abyss of imagining the worst and wasting precious time and emotion, it's time to address it and get it over with. Even if he doesn't want exclusivity with you and you fear being miserable over it, the reality is that you're miserable now anyway. I'd rather have something to actually be miserable about. And, guess what? THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Be strong, be assured and be independent and secure in your own life.

 

Now get out there and find out how useful and satisfying assertiveness, taking some initiative and control for yourself can be. Even if it doesn't go your way, you should find some satisfaction in having done this for yourself. You may not be able to eliminate heartache, but you sure can reduce the time spent on mind Fing yourself.

Edited September 15, 2017 by Redhead14