It's Making Me Crazy (Exclusivity Talk)

[Lovelorn00]

[backstory]

 

The exclusivity question is driving me crazy. That's really all this post is about. I just needed to get it off my chest, because it's literally driving me insane. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I can barely function as a human being. I've actually lost quite a bit of weight from not being able to eat actual meals on a daily basis.

 

I need to know, but I can't bring myself to ask. He treats me like a boyfriend and says things that make me think I'm the only one, but I don't know for sure, and it's driving me crazy. It drives me crazy because if I'm not, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust anyone again. I would be so incredibly hurt. I'm already scraping rock bottom - that would surely do me in.

 

Yeah, it's my fault for waiting so long to even have this conversation with him, but here I am. It just kind of happened, and here I am, almost 5 months later, and wondering where I stand.

 

I hate this so much. It's exactly the reason I decided to stop dating earlier this year. This is a particularly horrible type of torture. I'd rather have needles inserted into my eyeballs than have to endure another moment of this.

Edited September 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[cope ascetic]

Well you need to tell us what happened or we can't help. How did the exclusivity convo actually go? Was it 5 months ago and still no resolution?

[Slowlydrifting]

If it's making you physically ill, which it seems to be, then for your own safety just ask. Which ever answer you get at least you'll know. Stop being afraid and be confident.

[kendahke]

STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!

 

Ask him already so you know.

 

Hiking your blood pressure up over something that is easily cleared up is nonsense.

[Lovelorn00]

Well you need to tell us what happened or we can't help. How did the exclusivity convo actually go? Was it 5 months ago and still no resolution?

 

I guess I forgot that part. It's sort of a long story, which is why I left it out. We've been seeing each other for nearly 5 months now. We're long-distance with a plan to close the distance in February. We talk every day, and I've made the trip to visit him in his city once, back in July. He can't afford to visit me right now for various reasons. I'd be willing to visit him again, but not unless he's serious about me.

 

I haven't had the talk yet. I was planning to have it last night, but other plans got in the way, and we didn't end up talking on the phone. I literally don't even know how to bring it up, and it makes me so incredibly nervous and anxious to think that his answer could be, "Huh? No, we're not exclusive at all. I've been dating other people."

Edited September 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add link to backstory

[Lovelorn00]

If it's making you physically ill, which it seems to be, then for your own safety just ask. Which ever answer you get at least you'll know. Stop being afraid and be confident.

 

The "at least you'll know" part isn't enough to push me to ask. I wish it was. The problem is that I feel like asking will be the end of it. Right now, things are okay. We talk every day. He confides in me. We joke. We flirt. Asking that question could possibly put an end to something that I definitely don't want to end.

[kendahke]

I guess I forgot that part. It's sort of a long story, which is why I left it out. We've been seeing each other for nearly 5 months now. We're long-distance with a plan to close the distance in February. We talk every day, and I've made the trip to visit him in his city once, back in July. He can't afford to visit me right now for various reasons. I'd be willing to visit him again, but not unless he's serious about me.

 

I haven't had the talk yet. I was planning to have it last night, but other plans got in the way, and we didn't end up talking on the phone. I literally don't even know how to bring it up, and it makes me so incredibly nervous and anxious to think that his answer could be, "Huh? No, we're not exclusive at all. I've been dating other people."

 

I think that this should be your foregone conclusion and to not hold it against him. This very well may be what is going on and if you don't know, then you are planning for a future that may not happen. That is something you need to get clear on before you go one more day.

 

The brutal fact are:

1. he doesn't live where you live.

 

2. Relationships are conducted face to face, not over the phone, not over skype, not as pen pals.

 

3. if you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity, then you're not exclusive, no matter how you may have proceeded in the past 5 months. That is something you needed to get clear on the moment you decided to seriously enter into this.

 

Today is the day you need to summon up your courage and talk to him about this.

[kendahke]

The "at least you'll know" part isn't enough to push me to ask. I wish it was. The problem is that I feel like asking will be the end of it. Right now, things are okay. We talk every day. He confides in me. We joke. We flirt. Asking that question could possibly put an end to something that I definitely don't want to end.

 

IF that is the case, then you really didn't have anything but a fantasy and an artificial construct.

 

None of this exists except in your head.

[Lovelorn00]

I think that this should be your foregone conclusion and to not hold it against him. This very well may be what is going on and if you don't know, then you are planning for a future that may not happen. That is something you need to get clear on before you go one more day.

 

The brutal fact are:

1. he doesn't live where you live.

 

2. Relationships are conducted face to face, not over the phone, not over skype, not as pen pals.

 

3. if you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity, then you're not exclusive, no matter how you may have proceeded in the past 5 months. That is something you needed to get clear on the moment you decided to seriously enter into this.

 

Today is the day you need to summon up your courage and talk to him about this.

 

Yes, these are brutal facts, but I guess I had hope. Hope that perhaps he's been on the same page about me this whole time. I get what you're saying, but there are many reasons why relationships can't be conducted face-to-face, and those people somehow make it work. It's not easy, no, but it works. Especially if there's a plan to close the distance. I guess I just had hope.

 

I know. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot for thinking that when a guy says things like, "Let me show you how serious I am about this," it means I'm the only one. I personally don't multi-date, but I guess there are those that do. I'm an idiot for assuming I'm the only one he's wooing.

[Lovelorn00]

IF that is the case, then you really didn't have anything but a fantasy and an artificial construct.

 

None of this exists except in your head.

 

Yeah. I guess so. Thanks for your help.

[lana-banana]

Yes, these are brutal facts, but I guess I had hope. Hope that perhaps he's been on the same page about me this whole time. I get what you're saying, but there are many reasons why relationships can't be conducted face-to-face, and those people somehow make it work. It's not easy, no, but it works. Especially if there's a plan to close the distance. I guess I just had hope.

 

I know. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot for thinking that when a guy says things like, "Let me show you how serious I am about this," it means I'm the only one. I personally don't multi-date, but I guess there are those that do. I'm an idiot for assuming I'm the only one he's wooing.

 

He can't "show" you anything when he doesn't live near you. Long-distance relationships work when both partners work hard to ensure they get plenty of face time and in-person contact. If this man wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be making an effort to see you, be with you, and spend time with you. All he's offered is words.

 

Your previous threads about this relationship indicate you aren't sure how he feels, what he wants, or what he's thinking. You're obviously an anxious person by nature, but you wouldn't be this anxious if you knew he actually cared about you. There's a reason why he hasn't made his intentions clear. You aren't an idiot for anything about exclusivity (and nobody is going to humor your self-loathing talk) but you are not wise to make any assumptions based on your current situation.

 

The more I reread your past threads the more I'm unclear about whether this is an actual relationship. You say you talk and flirt all the time, and you've visited him, but...you don't even know if you're exclusive? You've essentially been flirty penpals for a few months but you say you'll be devastated if he isn't taking the relationship seriously? I think you need to take a step back and be honest about how much of this is a real relationship and how much of this is just harmless flirting.

[Versacehottie]

IF that is the case, then you really didn't have anything but a fantasy and an artificial construct.

 

None of this exists except in your head.

 

Yes. Both the good and the BAD thoughts. It's your anxiety again.

 

Face your fears. Why live a lie/fantasy? I actually think you probably are exclusive and most of what's going on it your head is irrational, anxiety thoughts. You are doing it to yourself though. The easiest way to clear this up is to ask. Stop living in your head and take action. Start having some good thoughts in your head. How exhausting it must be to only have worries flying around in there. Sometimes I think there is a level of enjoyment or that it's a comfortable way of coping that you repeatedly do this to yourself. I feel bad for you.

 

No matter what you will survive. It's much more hurtful to hold onto hope of something that really isn't. 5 months is a good time to know. Lastly, you have to take risks in life to get what you want; this involves the potential to get hurt. Being lonely is another way to feel hurt too but without risk and actually much more regret as I'm sure you have experienced. It will be ok. You will be ok. Good luck

[Redhead14]

The exclusivity question is driving me crazy. That's really all this post is about. I just needed to get it off my chest, because it's literally driving me insane. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I can barely function as a human being. I've actually lost quite a bit of weight from not being able to eat actual meals on a daily basis.

 

I need to know, but I can't bring myself to ask. He treats me like a boyfriend and says things that make me think I'm the only one, but I don't know for sure, and it's driving me crazy. It drives me crazy because if I'm not, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust anyone again. I would be so incredibly hurt. I'm already scraping rock bottom - that would surely do me in.

 

Yeah, it's my fault for waiting so long to even have this conversation with him, but here I am. It just kind of happened, and here I am, almost 5 months later, and wondering where I stand.

 

I hate this so much. It's exactly the reason I decided to stop dating earlier this year. This is a particularly horrible type of torture. I'd rather have needles inserted into my eyeballs than have to endure another moment of this.

 

If you are being intimate with a man, you are well within your rights and responsibility to yourself to get clarity! You don't ask him anything. You make a statement: "You know, Xname, I am hoping to have a long-term committed relationship for myself out of my dating journey. I am not seeing anyone else now and don't intend to from now on". And, then let him talk. If he hedges or says anything that doesn't clearly indicate that he wants exclusivity with you and to further explore the possibility for longer-term commitments, you end it. Plain and simple.

[kendahke]

there are many reasons why relationships can't be conducted face-to-face, and those people somehow make it work. It's not easy, no, but it works. Especially if there's a plan to close the distance.

 

Those are relationships that were most likely established before the distance was inserted. If you've never met someone in person, you don't have a relationship with them. What you have is a relationship with who you think they are based upon the construct you built upon your idea of who they are.

 

when a guy says things like, "Let me show you how serious I am about this," it means I'm the only one.

 

Unless there is action, then it's just words. He can talk til times get better about showing you whatever, but until that action happens, it's just talk--and people can say anything they wish--doesn't mean it's going to happen. When it does, that's when you can invest in it.

[Lovelorn00]

He can't "show" you anything when he doesn't live near you. Long-distance relationships work when both partners work hard to ensure they get plenty of face time and in-person contact.

If we had “plenty of face time and in-person contact, this wouldn’t be an LDR. Here’s what I do know – when we first began dating, I asked him to make certain promises to me if he wanted to “show me” how serious he was. I was the one who wanted to end it, because he lived so far away. He pushed to continue. So far, he has kept all of his promises. That’s how he’s “showing” me. No, it’s not face-to-face or in person, but his actions in that sense have shown me. And when I did visit him, he showed me even more - face-to-face and in person.

If this man wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be making an effort to see you, be with you, and spend time with you. All he's offered is words.

Financially, he is unable to visit me. I think I mentioned that in another thread. He just doesn’t have the money. I, however, do.

[Lovelorn00]

Those are relationships that were most likely established before the distance was inserted. If you've never met someone in person, you don't have a relationship with them. What you have is a relationship with who you think they are based upon the construct you built upon your idea of who they are.

 

I've met him. We dated before he left my city, and I've visited his city once before.

[Lovelorn00]

Yes. Both the good and the BAD thoughts. It's your anxiety again.

 

Face your fears. Why live a lie/fantasy? I actually think you probably are exclusive and most of what's going on it your head is irrational, anxiety thoughts. You are doing it to yourself though. The easiest way to clear this up is to ask. Stop living in your head and take action. Start having some good thoughts in your head. How exhausting it must be to only have worries flying around in there. Sometimes I think there is a level of enjoyment or that it's a comfortable way of coping that you repeatedly do this to yourself. I feel bad for you.

 

I honestly don't enjoy it. It's brutally painful both mentally and physically. The only reason I can think of for why my brain does this is related to something called exposure therapy. It's almost as if my brain wants to "expose" me to the negative emotions to either a) go ahead and begin coping with them or b)show me that I can still survive through them. It feels as though my brain is just preparing me for an outcome that hasn't even happened yet.

[Versacehottie]

I honestly don't enjoy it. It's brutally painful both mentally and physically. The only reason I can think of for why my brain does this is related to something called exposure therapy. It's almost as if my brain wants to "expose" me to the negative emotions to either a) go ahead and begin coping with them or b)show me that I can still survive through them. It feels as though my brain is just preparing me for an outcome that hasn't even happened yet.

 

Well you have it half right. It IS your brain trying to protect you, in overdrive. You can study up on that--it's a hallmark of anxiety. Your brain will tell you all the things that can go wrong so that you are "protected". It's biologically there--more extreme in some people than others and it's due to "flight or fight" syndrome. Idk, I think it's helpful to know this stuff so you know that it is beatable once you realize it's just a biological process going on in your brain. I think that's why so many people have advised you or others with anxiety that affects their lives to deal with it with a professional. So here's the bad thing about the evolutionary flight or fight mechanism that is going on in your brain--it's not actually necessary in a "communication" type thing. It's your mind creating and responding to "worries" in way that is much MORE than is rational because it's treating them the same way it would a real threat, i.e. someone chasing after you with a knife or something that actually puts your life in danger. So in the meantime, you rely on this as a coping mechanism of worrying about stuff as a crutch.

 

And while you say it is super painful physical and mentally (valid i'm sure) but to your brain the alternative (talking to him) is worse, so you choose or have been conditioned to choose worrying. It makes you feel "better" than the alternative. I think there's a perverse attachment and enjoyment from it (but I don't have the scientific stuff specifically like the rest of what I'm saying to back that up but it follows common sense: talking to him is worse and more painfully than going through the worries and the pain that comes with it, thus you choose the worrying AND enjoy or feel comforted that you've thought of all the "possibilities" of things that could go wrong or what could be going through his head, etc etc. So yes you brain is preparing you for an outcome that has not happened yet or may never happen.

 

The bad part is that with all this worrying, actually sometimes (often IMO), an anxious person will create the negative scenario that she is afraid of, i.e. driving this guy away from you, etc etc. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try telling an anxious person they are wrong about their worries when one of them has come true!! They fail to see that their anxiousness was often a reason why it came true. So the worries don't actually protect you--they create the problem!! You should really look into it. I think anxious people with facts (other than some girl telling this on the internet) can help themselves more than me telling you to calm down or discuss your situation with this guy. The facts about anxiety and it's treatment will be the tip of the iceberg to see what is going on in your mind and help you attempt to get it under control or realize that you need some help with it. It's thought patterns at this point with you (most people that have relied on it for any length of time) and those are hard to break.

 

But as far as calling it "exposure" that's where you were half right (it's inaccurate in context you offered). Actually exposure therapy is the TREATMENT, especially in fear based anxiety like you are having currently. You would recognize that you are irrationally (possibly) anxious or it could be legitimately since this is a two person deal. You can't "solve" it in your head--you need to ADDRESS it with him, i.e. EXPOSE yourself and your worry. Face your fear. I'm not explaining it very well in this last part. A better explanation is fear of flying. They will put those people in a plane that is on the ground and keep EXPOSING them to their fear of flying; then one day they take the plane up. Basically to get over it you just need to DO IT. You need some tools though.

 

*FYI, this doesn't mean you need to "expose" your anxiety issues to this guy and dump on it. Don't get the two things twisted up. It merely means that to not feel bad about the uncertainty of begin exclusive or not, you need to ASK THE QUESTION, face your fear. There have got to be a million articles online about exposure therapy. I'm not saying you should deal with all your problems alone (i've said several times you need a professional) but as far as answering "what you should do" regarding your current situation both the therapy and THE answer are the same: ASK HIM.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Versacehottie

[LovelyRose]

Well you have it half right. It IS your brain trying to protect you, in overdrive. You can study up on that--it's a hallmark of anxiety. Your brain will tell you all the things that can go wrong so that you are "protected". It's biologically there--more extreme in some people than others and it's due to "flight or fight" syndrome. Idk, I think it's helpful to know this stuff so you know that it is beatable once you realize it's just a biological process going on in your brain. I think that's why so many people have advised you or others with anxiety that affects their lives to deal with it with a professional. So here's the bad thing about the evolutionary flight or fight mechanism that is going on in your brain--it's not actually necessary in a "communication" type thing. It's your mind creating and responding to "worries" in way that is much MORE than is rational because it's treating them the same way it would a real threat, i.e. someone chasing after you with a knife or something that actually puts your life in danger. So in the meantime, you rely on this as a coping mechanism of worrying about stuff as a crutch.

 

And while you say it is super painful physical and mentally (valid i'm sure) but to your brain the alternative (talking to him) is worse, so you choose or have been conditioned to choose worrying. It makes you feel "better" than the alternative. I think there's a perverse attachment and enjoyment from it (but I don't have the scientific stuff specifically like the rest of what I'm saying to back that up but it follows common sense: talking to him is worse and more painfully than going through the worries and the pain that comes with it, thus you choose the worrying AND enjoy or feel comforted that you've thought of all the "possibilities" of things that could go wrong or what could be going through his head, etc etc. So yes you brain is preparing you for an outcome that has not happened yet or may never happen.

 

The bad part is that with all this worrying, actually sometimes (often IMO), an anxious person will create the negative scenario that she is afraid of, i.e. driving this guy away from you, etc etc. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try telling an anxious person they are wrong about their worries when one of them has come true!! They fail to see that their anxiousness was often a reason why it came true. So the worries don't actually protect you--they create the problem!! You should really look into it. I think anxious people with facts (other than some girl telling this on the internet) can help themselves more than me telling you to calm down or discuss your situation with this guy. The facts about anxiety and it's treatment will be the tip of the iceberg to see what is going on in your mind and help you attempt to get it under control or realize that you need some help with it. It's thought patterns at this point with you (most people that have relied on it for any length of time) and those are hard to break.

 

But as far as calling it "exposure" that's where you were half right (it's inaccurate in context you offered). Actually exposure therapy is the TREATMENT, especially in fear based anxiety like you are having currently. You would recognize that you are irrationally (possibly) anxious or it could be legitimately since this is a two person deal. You can't "solve" it in your head--you need to ADDRESS it with him, i.e. EXPOSE yourself and your worry. Face your fear. I'm not explaining it very well in this last part. A better explanation is fear of flying. They will put those people in a plane that is on the ground and keep EXPOSING them to their fear of flying; then one day they take the plane up. Basically to get over it you just need to DO IT. You need some tools though.

 

*FYI, this doesn't mean you need to "expose" your anxiety issues to this guy and dump on it. Don't get the two things twisted up. It merely means that to not feel bad about the uncertainty of begin exclusive or not, you need to ASK THE QUESTION, face your fear. There have got to be a million articles online about exposure therapy. I'm not saying you should deal with all your problems alone (i've said several times you need a professional) but as far as answering "what you should do" regarding your current situation both the therapy and THE answer are the same: ASK HIM.

 

 

Wow, very nice and informative!

[Redhead14]

Versace is correct. Exposure therapy is the best way. A person who truly wants to get past their fears, need to push themselves outside of their comfort zone at least, once in a while in order to learn to tolerate the experiences. In this case, it's not even remotely a life-threatening thing although it may "feel" that extreme.

 

The OP owes it to herself to do what she needs to do for herself. She may find it to be a little bit of a liberating experience to take control for herself even if it doesn't come out the way she hopes it will. But, at least, she will have faced her "demons", so to speak, and found that she's still standing.

[Cersei]

Please just ask him. Like now.

Think of it this way.

 

If you ask him now and if he says:

"yes we are exclusuve" then Yay bonus for you!

 

If he says:

"No we are not exclusive, I see othe people" then it will really hurt and suck. But you will have an answer and not be kept anxious wondering. A few months from now, Jan. let's say, you will feel better and maybe even find someone else.

 

If you do absolutely nothing a few months from now, say Jan, you will still be wondering no further ahead still anxious.

[Lovelorn00]

Well you have it half right. It IS your brain trying to protect you, in overdrive. You can study up on that--it's a hallmark of anxiety. Your brain will tell you all the things that can go wrong so that you are "protected". It's biologically there--more extreme in some people than others and it's due to "flight or fight" syndrome. Idk, I think it's helpful to know this stuff so you know that it is beatable once you realize it's just a biological process going on in your brain. I think that's why so many people have advised you or others with anxiety that affects their lives to deal with it with a professional. So here's the bad thing about the evolutionary flight or fight mechanism that is going on in your brain--it's not actually necessary in a "communication" type thing. It's your mind creating and responding to "worries" in way that is much MORE than is rational because it's treating them the same way it would a real threat, i.e. someone chasing after you with a knife or something that actually puts your life in danger. So in the meantime, you rely on this as a coping mechanism of worrying about stuff as a crutch.

 

And while you say it is super painful physical and mentally (valid i'm sure) but to your brain the alternative (talking to him) is worse, so you choose or have been conditioned to choose worrying. It makes you feel "better" than the alternative. I think there's a perverse attachment and enjoyment from it (but I don't have the scientific stuff specifically like the rest of what I'm saying to back that up but it follows common sense: talking to him is worse and more painfully than going through the worries and the pain that comes with it, thus you choose the worrying AND enjoy or feel comforted that you've thought of all the "possibilities" of things that could go wrong or what could be going through his head, etc etc. So yes you brain is preparing you for an outcome that has not happened yet or may never happen.

 

The bad part is that with all this worrying, actually sometimes (often IMO), an anxious person will create the negative scenario that she is afraid of, i.e. driving this guy away from you, etc etc. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try telling an anxious person they are wrong about their worries when one of them has come true!! They fail to see that their anxiousness was often a reason why it came true. So the worries don't actually protect you--they create the problem!! You should really look into it. I think anxious people with facts (other than some girl telling this on the internet) can help themselves more than me telling you to calm down or discuss your situation with this guy. The facts about anxiety and it's treatment will be the tip of the iceberg to see what is going on in your mind and help you attempt to get it under control or realize that you need some help with it. It's thought patterns at this point with you (most people that have relied on it for any length of time) and those are hard to break.

 

But as far as calling it "exposure" that's where you were half right (it's inaccurate in context you offered). Actually exposure therapy is the TREATMENT, especially in fear based anxiety like you are having currently. You would recognize that you are irrationally (possibly) anxious or it could be legitimately since this is a two person deal. You can't "solve" it in your head--you need to ADDRESS it with him, i.e. EXPOSE yourself and your worry. Face your fear. I'm not explaining it very well in this last part. A better explanation is fear of flying. They will put those people in a plane that is on the ground and keep EXPOSING them to their fear of flying; then one day they take the plane up. Basically to get over it you just need to DO IT. You need some tools though.

 

*FYI, this doesn't mean you need to "expose" your anxiety issues to this guy and dump on it. Don't get the two things twisted up. It merely means that to not feel bad about the uncertainty of begin exclusive or not, you need to ASK THE QUESTION, face your fear. There have got to be a million articles online about exposure therapy. I'm not saying you should deal with all your problems alone (i've said several times you need a professional) but as far as answering "what you should do" regarding your current situation both the therapy and THE answer are the same: ASK HIM.

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. I completely understand what you’re saying, and I think you totally understand where I’m coming from. Good news… I have a prescription for anxiety medication and an anti-depressant that I will fill tonight. As reluctant as I am to trying medication, I just can’t continue to live this way. I physically can’t. So, there’s some hope there.

 

But yes, I see what you’re saying. By “ruminating” on all of the possible outcomes, there’s a certain relief that I get that perhaps I’ve prepared myself for everything. It’s like I can be “ready” for anything that’s thrown my way. But that’s humanly impossible. So, the rumination begins again, and I come up with more scenarios. It’s a vicious cycle. And the only REAL answer here is to grow a pair and just face it. Ask the question. Have the conversation. I just don’t feel like I have the tools yet to jump out of that plane.

[Lovelorn00]

Please just ask him. Like now.

Think of it this way.

 

If you ask him now and if he says:

"yes we are exclusuve" then Yay bonus for you!

 

If he says:

"No we are not exclusive, I see othe people" then it will really hurt and suck. But you will have an answer and not be kept anxious wondering. A few months from now, Jan. let's say, you will feel better and maybe even find someone else.

 

If you do absolutely nothing a few months from now, say Jan, you will still be wondering no further ahead still anxious.

 

Ugh. I know. I'm just not ready for the hurt. I know, I know, I know... it's totally messed up. I talk like my very life is in danger, and I know (logically) that it is not. But this is how it FEELS. I don't understand people who get over heartbreak so easily. It's the most painful experience in the world for me, and I've been cut open with knives, kicked in the face, punched in the stomach, bitten in the face by a dog... I'd MUCH prefer that pain any day over the pain of heartbreak. I just physically cannot handle it.

[Versacehottie]

Yes. Yes. Yes. I completely understand what you’re saying, and I think you totally understand where I’m coming from. Good news… I have a prescription for anxiety medication and an anti-depressant that I will fill tonight. As reluctant as I am to trying medication, I just can’t continue to live this way. I physically can’t. So, there’s some hope there.

 

But yes, I see what you’re saying. By “ruminating” on all of the possible outcomes, there’s a certain relief that I get that perhaps I’ve prepared myself for everything. It’s like I can be “ready” for anything that’s thrown my way. But that’s humanly impossible. So, the rumination begins again, and I come up with more scenarios. It’s a vicious cycle. And the only REAL answer here is to grow a pair and just face it. Ask the question. Have the conversation. I just don’t feel like I have the tools yet to jump out of that plane.

 

That's great news. I think it will be the start of some help. I actually think the bigger part of the picture that you will ultimately find more helpful is to learn the coping tools to change your thought processes so you don't start on the rumination loop. But in conjunction the medicinemay help you get over the initial hump. The reason I say get the tools is because you need them for the talk with him and your life can be so much better if what is going on in your head follows more rational thinking and thinking that will support your goals and emotions.

 

Like you said in your response to Cersai is that you know you need to ask him but the answer is "doomed" (i forgot what wording you used so forgive me). How is that true? I can't see why a guy would waste a portion of each and every day to communicate with you for 5 months if he didn't have some interest. So the "answer" is AT LEAST better than doom and gloom and probably closer to whatever the best could be.

 

You do need some tools (communication ones) so you have a good conversation. So ultimately unless you get "tools" of communication and helping you with logical thinking patterns, the medicine is only a part of the answer. The tools for communicating are pretty simple, you could learn those fast. Overcoming a lifetime of unhelpful thinking patterns and implementing the tools is another thing. I still think you could be better fast enough. I mean, realistically, how much longer do you want to waste living like this? I don't know your financial/insurance situation but I think the first time you mentioned wanting to do this was around a year ago, right? Also think of the opportunity cost of things you miss or mess up due to your anxiety and the way you live your day to day life and I would think you could see that it's should be the highest priority.

 

*btw, not telling you to hold off on the conversation with him. Maybe some of the other posters can help you come up with what to say (some of them are really good at that!). I think you need to do the conversation within the next couple of weeks for your own sanity. It might be awkward or clunky because you don't have practice with this and in your mind you are holding it as a life and death matter. It's not but I realize this will make the conversation more difficult for you. When you work on having better thought processes this thinking will come easier for you, which will reduce the "value" you give to a conversation like this (i.e. not life and death, only 5 month guy). In other words, it's a positive cycle that helps you feel whole and ABLE to ask for what you want & relatively able to get it, i.e. if same was going on with someone without anxiety, she might be able to say to herself that she will survive and it was only 5 months and she will find another guy and doesn't want one that doesn't know or false promises after 5 months. Make sense?

[kendahke]

I don't understand people who get over heartbreak so easily.

 

They don't. There is context and perspective at play here which you are not aware of.

 

You don't see what is going on behind closed doors when they are by themselves with their pain. They probably put on a brave face for the world because no one wants to deal with their pain with them.

 

I was in a 13 year relationship that ended with being cheated on. The pain nearly killed me. It took me 4 years to get fully out of the heartbreak pain phase to where the baggage was fully sorted and resolved to the point where I was clear to enter into new relationships with other men and not make them own/unpack/sort my stuff.

 

This pain taught me what to look out for, what not to be afraid of saying in order to protect my own esteem. If I need clarification on something, I ask for it. If what they say is something that is in conflict with what I need from them, they have to go. I'm cool being by myself until someone more suitable comes along and if they don't, my life is still full; and my home, heart and mind have peace in them.

 

I've had a string of failed relationships since which have lasted anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months and none of them gutted me like the 13 year relationship did.