mst3kfanboy Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Hey everyone, I'm using a throwaway account here because my real one has my name and I don't want it being searched/found by my girlfriend. I have been dating this girl for about 7 months now, and when we get along, things are great. But the problem is, she's very insecure with a lot of things. When we first started dating, it would be things such as: Her - "Do you like when I wear my hair this way?" Me - "I do! I think it looks great!" Her - "Oh, so you don't like it other ways?" This type of conversing led to a lot of fights, with my argument being that I felt like I was always in a no win situation and that I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. It's eventually gotten better, and this entire summer we've both been doing really well at not fighting, but I think it's because we've both been way too busy. But now things are starting to creep in again. Just yesterday, she sent me a text while I was at work, and I couldn't respond right away because I was obviously busy working. This led to her saying it upset her I couldn't respond right away and that it made her feel like she wasn't a priority. She's also been reminding me a lot as of recent "How cool it is that I do this stuff for you." (She's referring to watching TV shows that we BOTH enjoy) She's also started putting herself down A LOT, by always calling herself fat or saying, "That's because I'm your fatty fat girlfriend." Now granted, she has put on a little weight, but nothing extreme and I would call her more curvy than overweight. I've told her time and time again she's perfect in my eyes ("In your eyes? What do you mean by that?") and even told her I don't like when she puts herself down like that. It's just gotten worse though. And lastly, especially as of recent, anything we go out and do together always ends with a complaint. I took her to see Green Day at Wrigley Field, and as we were walking out, before saying anything about the concert, all she could complain about was how her back hurt. Another example is when we go see movies together, nine times out of ten, I have to flat out ask her "what did you think of the movie?" because she won't ever say a word after we are walking out. I know I'm not perfect and two weeks ago we fought about something and she said I am always condescending. To be honest, I don't think I was at all, but I flat out said, "Listen, I'm really sorry and believe me I don't mean what I say to sound condescending. I will do my best going forward to word myself differently." However a week ago we fought again after she accused me of something, and when I said, "Listen, when you talk to me this way, I don't take it the best way." I waited for her to say, "I'll work on how I communicate with you" but it never came. When I brought it up, she then said, "So basically you don't want me to say anything and not tell you how I feel." Again, when things are going well, it's really great. But these bad times seem to creep up A LOT, and I feel like anything I say could be something that sets her off. Do I need to put more effort into making this work or is it simply we are two very different people. The other problem is, I am 34 years old and haven't been in any long term relationships, so I don't know if I'm truly holding on because it feels great to be in one, or if this is how relationships are and I just need to accept it. Apologies for the LONG post.
kendahke Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 You being 34 and having not had a lot of dating experience is no excuse to be with a nut case just to keep from being alone. This chick isn't the answer, either. I can't see how it could possibly feel great to be with someone as manipulative as this chick is. Being alone is far preferable to being with someone who twists your words and picks fights constantly because she's too immature to be in a relationship. How old is she? 15? 5
Gaeta Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Wow, that is awfully immature, manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior no one should put up with. I don't care if she is nice in between her crisis, that behavior cancels everything good she may be doing. After 7 months dating you should still be in your honeymoon phase. There should not be fights and aggressiveness toward you. She has a problem, a serious one and nothing you can do will fix it for her. She is just an awful person. 3
Author mst3kfanboy Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 (edited) To be fair, she's had some pretty poor relationships in the past. He last boyfriend was VERY verbally abusive towards her, and I feel like there's been a big lack of trust in me because of that. I just don't know how long I can "be patient" and "wait for her to work through it." Her past has also given her a negative view on men, at least in my opinion. We can be watching an episode of FRIENDS (her favorite show) and there would be a scene with Matthew Perry in his office and she immediately says, "Huh.. notice how there are no women in that office. Gee, I wonder why that is?" or one weekend we had to stop at my office which projects images of all the employees on our televisions and she says, "And what exactly do the girls here do? And of course they are all super pretty." And while I usually don't put much meaning into dreams, she seems to have nightmares about me cheating on her at least twice a month. And all I can say is, "You need to dump Dream Me because he is a total jerk." She then laughs it off, but it still makes me feel bad that she's having nightmares about me. And no, I've never given her ANY reason what so ever to believe I would cheat on her. Edited September 14, 2017 by mst3kfanboy
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 To be fair, she's had some pretty poor relationships in the past. He last boyfriend was VERY verbally abusive towards [/b]her, and I feel like there's been a big lack of trust in me because of that. I just don't know how long I can "be patient" and "wait for her to work through it." Wonder why? Not that being verbally abusive is OK, but if one has a tendency toward that could be more difficult to deal with, with someone like her. Also, did you ever witness his verbal abuse? If not, keep in mind any scenario she describes to you about the two of them is coming through her negative filter. This problem she has is not going to get better and most likely will get worse. As Gaeta mentioned you're still in the early stages of your relationship. Sounds as if, among other things (who knows what all?) she has very low self esteem. 2
knabe Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 This girl is not healthy enough to be dating. 2
Versacehottie Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 This girl is not healthy enough to be dating. Agreed. If you want to do her a favor, call it quits. She needs to get more confident rather than use her bf as a punching bag for her low self-esteem issues. Plus you sound really unhappy and i don't see this getting any better, do you?
coolheadal Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 To be fair, she's had some pretty poor relationships in the past. He last boyfriend was VERY verbally abusive towards her, and I feel like there's been a big lack of trust in me because of that. I just don't know how long I can "be patient" and "wait for her to work through it." Her past has also given her a negative view on men, at least in my opinion. We can be watching an episode of FRIENDS (her favorite show) and there would be a scene with Matthew Perry in his office and she immediately says, "Huh.. notice how there are no women in that office. Gee, I wonder why that is?" or one weekend we had to stop at my office which projects images of all the employees on our televisions and she says, "And what exactly do the girls here do? And of course they are all super pretty." And while I usually don't put much meaning into dreams, she seems to have nightmares about me cheating on her at least twice a month. And all I can say is, "You need to dump Dream Me because he is a total jerk." She then laughs it off, but it still makes me feel bad that she's having nightmares about me. And no, I've never given her ANY reason what so ever to believe I would cheat on her. She's not stable she's unstable you know it and you have to deal with it. We can't help you that much either. This is really something you have to decide stay and deal with and she's going to nick pick with the words you say to her and then she kicks in her drama from past abusive BF words aimed at her. Now your going to live through this nightmare. Not much to change her it's the way she is. Try to relax her but when a flair up starts you will be the target. You can tell her to stop it but she won't because she want to get under your skin. You can try to stop her but fights, arguments will continue to unfold. The cheating part just don't say anything about that to her because once you get in those words she'll never believe you. She's damaged, she's drama, and she's toxic. Remember what your getting involve with you can hold on to her but she'll never be what you want un-damaged gf.
kendahke Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 To be fair, she's had some pretty poor relationships in the past. He last boyfriend was VERY verbally abusive towards her, You know what? Lots of people have had less than ideal relationships in their past and they still don't treat their new boy/girlfriend like this. Not to excuse her last boyfriend, but gee, could it be that she unleashed this dragon on him all the time and he lashed out? After all, you only have the word of a manipulative chick here, not really the truth. and I feel like there's been a big lack of trust in me because of that. I just don't know how long I can "be patient" and "wait for her to work through it." Her last boyfriend was her last boyfriend and not you. This should have been worked out and resolved before she got with you. Her past has also given her a negative view on men, at least in my opinion. Again, with that attitude, I can see why. She keeps running into the brick wall of "I'm not going to tolerate this" and won't learn a lesson. We can be watching an episode of FRIENDS (her favorite show) and there would be a scene with Matthew Perry in his office and she immediately says, "Huh.. notice how there are no women in that office. Gee, I wonder why that is?" or one weekend we had to stop at my office which projects images of all the employees on our televisions and she says, "And what exactly do the girls here do? And of course they are all super pretty." Man... she's got issues you're not equipped to deal with. She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend. And while I usually don't put much meaning into dreams, she seems to have nightmares about me cheating on her at least twice a month. And all I can say is, "You need to dump Dream Me because he is a total jerk." She then laughs it off, but it still makes me feel bad that she's having nightmares about me. And no, I've never given her ANY reason what so ever to believe I would cheat on her. I would go as far as to say someone this manipulative is just saying this as a means to force you to unpack and sort emotional baggage from her past that she isn't arsed herself to unpack and deal with.
Versacehottie Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Listen since you said you are someone who doesn't have much relationship experience, I will offer this advice: don't EVER accept the excuse (or come to that conclusion on your own) that this person has been hurt in their past relationships. It's just that, an excuse for bad behavior. Healthy, relationship-ready people don't do that and fall back on that. This chick has seen too many bad tv shows. It's manipulation and baggage. You sound like a good guy and trust me, you don't need to put up with this. This girl isn't mentally healthy. The self-esteem issues and twisting everything you say around is not cool at all. Not normal and most guys would be out of there immediately. It's a heaviness that you don't need to burden your life with. Endless pit of needing to reassure her and guess what? It will never be enough. Break up with her. 2
StormyEyes Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I think it is time to move on. It shouldn't be this hard. Yes relationships take work, but how do you work with someone who is so negative? You can't. She is self sabotaging and doesn't even know it. She needs therapy, not a victim. I also have to agree that suffering from past abuse is not an excuse for current bad behavior. Also, did you know her ex or are you just going off what she said? There are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth. 1
Author mst3kfanboy Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 I think it is time to move on. It shouldn't be this hard. Yes relationships take work, but how do you work with someone who is so negative? You can't. She is self sabotaging and doesn't even know it. She needs therapy, not a victim. I also have to agree that suffering from past abuse is not an excuse for current bad behavior. Also, did you know her ex or are you just going off what she said? There are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth. No I never met her previous boyfriend. But from what she's said, he use to call her fat and ugly all the time, and tell her he could easily do better than her. I mean, when we've fought, in the heat of the moment I've said things such as, "Do you hear yourself? You're insane if you think that's what I meant..." but I would never go for low cheap shots insulting someones appearance and whatnot.
Steve51 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Dating is the time when you try out different girls to see who you would want to spend your life with. Dating allows you to walk away from a relationship at no cost. Marriage requires a costly divorce. I suggest that you find someone more stable. My ex fiancé had problems, cheated on me and I refused to take her back. She went on become a drug addict and providing sex for a roof over her head and drugs. She ended up being diagnosed as bipolar. She also hears her angel talking to her and helping her tell fortunes. She even legally changed her last name because she was told to. She is now married to a woman. My life with her would have been disastrous. Had she not cheated, my life would have been hell. Second problem girlfriend was an ex cheerleader who gained a little weight and needed constant validation of her attractiveness by having sex with every guy she could find, even all of my friends. Then she graduated to gang bangs. At first I did not mind since she was giving me a lot of sex anyway I wanted it and I did not love her. The gang bang with my friends was the last straw though and I kicked her out. She went on to be a crack addict and prostitute before becoming a stripper with a crack addicted daughter. Third girlfriend swindled me out of a thousand dollars. Long story so I will not give details. I did not have any luck with girlfriends since I was 15. However I never married them. I walked away at no cost. One day while commuting from work, I met my wife on a train. She was a virgin too at 20. We got engaged three weeks after we met and are married for 45 years. Thought I got one with no issues but my wife discovered her bisexuality 6 years into our marriage. However she managed to include me with all of her girlfriends so I did not mind at all. What does this all mean? First off I did not give up on finding a relationship. Second is that I was not afraid to walk away. Third lesson I learned is that everyone has something different, so it is just a matter of what different you can accept for the rest of your life.
Pumpkin008 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 To be fair, she's had some pretty poor relationships in the past. He last boyfriend was VERY verbally abusive towards her, and I feel like there's been a big lack of trust in me because of that. I just don't know how long I can "be patient" and "wait for her to work through it." Well I think it is unfair of her to punish you for her boyfriend's past mistakes. Who HASN'T had a lousy relationship? Ok, not everyone has been abused and I don't mean to dismiss that but she can't continually punish you for his mistakes. 7 months in isn't a whole lot of time invested. I would just say it is not working out. Expect her to throw a tantrum. 1
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