Mountainbiker Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 (edited) 6th date in, he ends up back at mine. We have previously slept together but not on this date due to women's stuff. Things are going good, we haven't defined anything about what we are, I'm happy seeing him, going out on dinner dates etc, we get on well intimately and outside the intimate stuff. He thought I was in it for the sex as I do like sex, and I thought he might be in it for that too. We've both said it's not just that (we get on very well). That came up in convo when we were talking about no sex last night due to women's stuff. He then said "no it's not just about sex, it's also about" and then he stopped, I asked what? Then he said "it's also about being a friend". I was like huh? He said "i'm better as a friend". I opened the door for him to leave at that point as I hate that saying, it's bullsh*t talk. But we continued general chatting and hugging and kissing and then he talked about having a date together next week (not just as friends). He went home and I texted him to say it was a good night and was great to see him. I also said "I don't want to be a friend with benefits tho" he wrote back that it wasn't all about sex for him, said I was fun and cool, and in response to the friend with benefit comment he said "I hear you" then he put lots of smiles. He seems keen to see me again, we get on great, he did mention he isn't dating others. He just threw me with the friends comment when it's obvious it isn't just friends. How do I react to this? Edited September 14, 2017 by Mountainbiker
CptInsano Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Is it possible that he is developing feelings for you and is expressing them somewhat clumsily? 2
Author Mountainbiker Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 That is what I wondered. This has been a slow burn and I'm happy with that. We do seem clumsy discussing stuff like that (as we've only just started that).
mikeylo Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 To me it sounds more like he is steering it towards FWB 5
lana-banana Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 No one who wants to seriously date you will ever say "by the way, you probably shouldn't date me". But nobody who just wants sex will say "well, I only want sex", either. The "friend" comment to me seems to be his way of taking himself out of the running and pre-emptively shirking all responsibility for when things go south. Imagine you were dating a guy you really liked and he texted you with "I don't want to be FWB." What would you do? You'd go out of your way to convince him that no, of course he wasn't a FWB, that you were interested in a relationship and excited to see where things go. That's not what this guy did. All he said was "I hear you"---effectively just confirming that he understood your feelings, without sharing his own in return. He didn't try to clear up the misunderstanding. He just said "oh, okay, got it". I would be very skeptical about this guy. Unless he says directly that he wants a serious, exclusive relationship with you, I would consider it a casual dating relationship at absolute most. 5
Zahara Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I think his comment was perfectly clear. He is better being a friend to you...along with the benefit of sex, cool and fun times. I think he was trying to put it out there as to where he is so that you are able to manage down your expectations of it being more. 3
kendahke Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 (edited) I need clarification on this: He said "i'm better as a friend". Was he referring to you or himself? If he was referring to himself, then he probably isn't going to put any more emotional investment into this. What you have is what this is going to be. If he was referring to you, he may not feel sexually compatible with you, which, I guess, could be his meaning if he was referring to himself. Well, I guess what you should do depends upon what your goals are in seeing him. Edited September 14, 2017 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Stop having sex with him until he is clearly interested in something serious then. 2
CptInsano Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 That is what I wondered. This has been a slow burn and I'm happy with that. We do seem clumsy discussing stuff like that (as we've only just started that). It's only the 6th date, but I don't think it is too early to steer it in the direction you want it to go. Have dates that are more about the relationship than sex, and see how he responds.
Author Mountainbiker Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 It's only the 6th date, but I don't think it is too early to steer it in the direction you want it to go. Have dates that are more about the relationship than sex, and see how he responds. Yes that's what we have talked about doing, and going out the day, and also he wants us to bike together
coolheadal Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 6th date in, he ends up back at mine. We have previously slept together but not on this date due to women's stuff. Things are going good, we haven't defined anything about what we are, I'm happy seeing him, going out on dinner dates etc, we get on well intimately and outside the intimate stuff. He thought I was in it for the sex as I do like sex, and I thought he might be in it for that too. We've both said it's not just that (we get on very well). That came up in convo when we were talking about no sex last night due to women's stuff. He then said "no it's not just about sex, it's also about" and then he stopped, I asked what? Then he said "it's also about being a friend". I was like huh? He said "i'm better as a friend". I opened the door for him to leave at that point as I hate that saying, it's bullsh*t talk. But we continued general chatting and hugging and kissing and then he talked about having a date together next week (not just as friends). He went home and I texted him to say it was a good night and was great to see him. I also said "I don't want to be a friend with benefits tho" he wrote back that it wasn't all about sex for him, said I was fun and cool, and in response to the friend with benefit comment he said "I hear you" then he put lots of smiles. He seems keen to see me again, we get on great, he did mention he isn't dating others. He just threw me with the friends comment when it's obvious it isn't just friends. How do I react to this? Don't be so quick to drop the panties with a guy like this. He told you and you have to now accept it. Hint is they don't want more than just fun and that's it today. You are his friend, but also his friend for sex as well. If you don't want that way then you tell him no and really pull up the panties as they're not going anywhere down soon for Mr. Friend only... 2
Author Mountainbiker Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 Don't be so quick to drop the panties with a guy like this. He told you and you have to now accept it. Hint is they don't want more than just fun and that's it today. You are his friend, but also his friend for sex as well. If you don't want that way then you tell him no and really pull up the panties as they're not going anywhere down soon for Mr. Friend only... Yes I won't be sleeping with him again any time soon. I wonder tho, can insecurity have a hand in this? I know he doesn't take compliments well, and I remember him saying he used to be the fat kid at school and has issues from that. I knew a guy a long time ago who used to put females off by saying he was a better friend than boyfriend, it wasn't that he didn't want a girlfriend, he just was insecire underneath it all and kept women at bay using those words as he didn't fee he deserved a decent girl
olivetree Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 How about this: "Hey, what did you mean when you said you were better as a friend?" 5
mortensorchid Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 How about this: "Hey, what did you mean when you said you were better as a friend?" Yes, what DID he mean by that?
StormyEyes Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I'd ask for clarification. People are so afraid of scaring people off these days that we put up with whatever someone offers us in hopes that it will lead to something more. Sadly it has been going on for so long now, that is what is expected. I vote we all start being a lot more honest. If you like him and want to date with the expectation of building a relationship with him, say it. If they aren't ready for that, then move on. We have to break this ridiculous cycle. 3
K.K. Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Yes, what DID he mean by that? He meant he's not feeling it. I just said this to a man the other day. Those exact words. Because he kept talking about wanting to hold me and all this and that and I seriously wasn't feeling it. No attraction whatsoever. But I like talking to him about friend stuff. Cooking, cars, **** like that. I said those exact words. "We're better off as friends." Cause we are. I left out the part of course where he was revolting to me sexually. You know... Cause that would've hurt his feelings. 1
Imajerk17 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 (edited) We see this sort of thing a lot on here. People ask us to interpret the cryptic words of someone who is a complete stranger to us. You realize OP that this is a fool's errand right? My guess is that he likes your company and friendship but after being physically intimate a few times, he realizes that he is missing the last piece of sexual attraction for you. There may or may not be another romantic interest of his that is helping him to this conclusion. But I could be wrong (see above paragraph). I myself would have a really tough time telling a woman that I am really into that I would be better off as a friend--I am a guy by the way. Edited September 14, 2017 by Imajerk17 1
Author Mountainbiker Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 We see this sort of thing a lot on here. People ask us to interpret the cryptic words of someone who is a complete stranger to us. You realize OP that this is a fool's errand right? My guess is that he likes your company and friendship but after being physically intimate a few times, he realizes that he is missing the last piece of sexual attraction for you. There may or may not be another romantic interest of his that is helping him to this conclusion. But I could be wrong (see above paragraph). I myself would have a really tough time telling a woman that I am really into that I would be better off as a friend--I am a guy by the way. The sexual attraction is there on both sides
Popsicle Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 What he means is that he does want Fwb and not a Relationship. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 he wants to be fwb... Rules of thumb: When someone says it's not about the money, it's about the money. When someone says it's not about the sex, it's about the sex. If someone has to utter the words "it's not about the sex" there is probably an issue. Sure he thinks you're really fun and cool...yea great. Be wary.
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