Prettyinblack Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I am missing my b/f of 3 1/2 years, big time. "Our" big issue was whether he would be 'able' to take the relationship to the next level, had a huge fight 3 weeks ago and there has been NC since. This commitment issue has followed him his entire life and when he and I became an item, he told all of our friends that I was 'the one.' We had known each other for 15+ years so we knew all the same people. Well, I think that I have been 'patient' enough!!!!! I do. And I felt his struggle with whether he could do it. (live together, I mean) I wasn't interested in marriage, just wanted to live together. Now, here I am waiting for him to come to his senses, whatever the heck that means, and I am confused about whether it is really over, because it doesn't feel like it is. He hasn't told anyone we have split up and neither have I, but it feels like whoever makes the first move loses............if I call, I will settle for what the relationship 'is' and if he calls, we have to move in together. We were supposed to go camping this week coming, booked our holidays like we do every year and nothing........I mean, NOTHING has happened. AM I in denial or nuts to hang on to this hoping he will realize that he can't live without me, or what? Any male opinions would be sooooo appreciated. Thanks.
RecordProducer Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I am sorry I am not a male, but in lack of male responses I will put my nose in your problem. First of all, how old are you? He doesn't want to move in with you so there is really nothing you can do about it. He can move in and then move out (or even worse - kick you out of his place). Why don't you call him and just go on a vacation together? If you are the one who wants to move into his place then he might be reluctant to share his space, freedom, time, and money with you. Guys are independent by nature. Actually the more freedom you give him and the more you slip away from his hands the more he will want to be with you. You probably already spend a lot of time together and he simply doesn't see the point of living with you. You should do it slowly but surely. Stay over night (which you probably do), cook, help him with cleaning and laundry... give him some time then bring some of your stuff there and by the time he figures what's going on, you will already live more together than apart. Then one of you might suggest moving in officially. He obviously doesn't see any point of living with you right now, he doesn't see how he would benefit from that. So show him! Then demand!
Jayhawks Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I see your problem and I can sympathize with you. My view is that if you are not getting what you want out of the relationship then you have the right to ask him and he has the right to say no ( or yes ). When you put the "or else" out there then you take the chance of things not going your way. You want more and there is nothing wrong with that but he may not want to take that step so you either accept his position or you move on. Relationships are hard when both parties do not want the same thing. Hope things work out for you.
Author Prettyinblack Posted August 14, 2005 Author Posted August 14, 2005 Believe it or not, I am 40 and he 49.....we have both been on our own for 15 + years. I couldn't move into his place------it is a total bachelor pad and he doesn't even have a couch or kitchen table! e-gads! He has spent a lot of time at my house but whenever it gets close to him being here more than at his own house, he'll get 'picky'. Like this----"the bed's uncomfortable & hurts my back", or " I don't like the couch", (I have one he doesn't....), he doesn't like the cats,(most times, he loves the cats...) It's weird, but it's like as soon as it gets close to living together, he picks at me! It is frustrating! So, since about June, I have stopped being so available. I have been making more plans with friends, hanging out a bit after work and he hasn't liked it a bit. But I am trying to show him that I am 'slipping' away into a more separate life after 3 1/2 years. The night of the break-up, he picked at me and mad my night miserable and kept saying that it was 'my perception' whenever I said, "What is going on???" ANd then blurted out, "I am not going into a financial partnership with you or moving in here!" with his eyes bugging out of his head. I said, "well, I guess there isn't much to talk about then...." And that was it. Three weeks NC and I am still hoping he will realize that he can't live without me. I feel nuts.
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