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Thinking of ending things, wondering if I'm overreacting.


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Posted

It's been about a year 35F, 31M. On the important things, I'd say it was a really good match - we like the same things and have generally compatible personalities and habits. Nobody gets a medal for being a decent human being, having a job and doing chores, be he ticks off those boxes too. The issue is when things get heated from my end, he shuts down and backs off (which I understand - the idea of being abandoned that might go with that can be terrifying). I set boundaries and say, "we're going to revisit this when you're feeling more comfortable." The issue is that he's never feeling more comfortable - the threshold for shutting down and backing away is so low that we never revisit or talk about the issues in any meaningful capacity. I've gone to a lot of trouble to look for solutions (buying/reading books recommended by my therapist, etc.), but I feel like he's not meeting me halfway. I'm starting to wonder if I'm waiting around for an eventuality that might never materialize. The closest we've gotten to hashing out the things that make me feel disconnected from him is my telling him that his shutting down and backing off pings all my abandonment buttons and reinforces the learned lesson that I can't depend on anyone. I'm wondering how much of what I'm feeling is leftover from previous relationships that weren't up to snuff and how much is this actual situation. I've asked him to go to couples counseling with me, but there's no follow through. I've asked him to do workbook exercises on relationship building with me and he agrees, but it never happens. I know this is just a cursory overview and you're not hearing about the good things, but I'm wondering if I'm jumping the gun and should just wait (another year? yikes). There's also the rub that he quit his job to move 3 hours to be with me. His new job is is dream job and I don't know what will happen if I kick him out. Is that even my problem?

Posted

First of all if he has his "dream job" he will certainly be okay if you kick him out. What are your issues that you need to go to counseling, reading books, and constant discussing your relationship. Why are you unhappy?

Posted

Tough to say. What are the issues?

 

Anyway, I love my fiance (me 54, her 58) and we have kind of the same issue. Maybe it's the delicate male ego? I dunno. For the first year or so it was lovey dovey all the time. Now she might make a little comment on something that bugs her. I immediately get defensive and feel attacked. I know she's not attacking my but that's my visceral response. And when I feel attacked I want to attack back. Not the greatest response, admittedly. And frequently I just won't say anything, which only seems to make her more mad. I suppose I think better to remain silent than to exacerbate the situation. That doesn't sit well with her.

 

So I guess I'm saying for men (or me, at least) talking about feelings can be difficult. Especially when you fell in love with the "perfect" each other but, after some time, discover your partner is not perfect. If it is issues you can deal with, just let them go. If it is a dealbreaking issue, it needs to be dealt with. I guess I mean pick your battles.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
Posted

It sounds like he is walking on eggshells around you.

 

Why do things 'get heated from your end'?

Posted

I'm also curious to know what you are fighting about, why you are getting heated, and how often this is happening.

 

I've asked him to go to couples counseling with me, but there's no follow through. I've asked him to do workbook exercises on relationship building with me and he agrees, but it never happens.

 

Honestly, my feeling is that if you are demanding relationship counseling and workbook exercises on relationship building when you have only been together for one year, this is not the right relationship for either of you. It shouldn't be this hard so early.

  • Like 1
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Posted (edited)

I've been in therapy pretty much my whole life - my mom had a psychotic break when I was 8 and it's part of my routine and another tool for me now.

 

I get frustrated with him because he is often passive aggressive with me and gets really negative about some of the things we do together. An example I'd give is that we participate in a weekly trivia night and he rages when we lose (like actually yelling expletives and such). He says I'm distracting him or that I made him second guess himself or that (if I was in the bathroom or whatever) he was all alone and nobody was helping him (sounds really bad now that I'm describing it). I point it out and he brushes it of, "oh, I'm not feeling well." I remind him that 1. that's not an excuse for treating me that way and 2. it doesn't change that it makes me feel ****ty. I don't think I ever really get angry in the stereotypical sense and I think it's part of why he doesn't take me seriously - I don't scream or cry or say mean things to get a rise out of him. I'm more likely to tell him something like, "I'm really feeling abandoned/pushed away right now. I want to say something mean to you so at least I can feel like I know the reason why you're so far away." It feels unfair that he gets to have his rage time or his quiet moment and pull away while I'm feeling helpless and hopeless. I don't have a voice and I feel even more disconnected because we don't meet back in the middle to hash it out.

Edited by Shindig
clarification
  • Like 1
Posted

You two have extreme communication issues. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. Your styles are not compatible. He doesn't want to work on changing this so I don't see your relationship working out.

  • Like 1
Posted

He shuts down because he knows he has anger issues and knows he will do something he will regret. You don't have a relationship to fix someone. If they are broken, and their behavior gets exasperated because of your own issues, it becomes toxic. If you have been in therapy, you should know by now to stay away from people who are unhealthy for you. Breakup.

  • Like 2
Posted

Interesting.

 

Your mom and this man have many common denominators. Are you repeating a cycle here? After what you have been through as a child why would you pick a man like this?

Posted

Either there's a whole world he isn't telling you about inside of him, or there isn't. Either way, you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship. You will wind up feeling more alone with him than when you are actually alone. There is no shame in needing certain things because of your upbringing. You have great insight into your needs and would have a wonderful companion if you found someone with the equivalent insight into their own needs.

Posted (edited)

Wow. Raging over trivia night? Yeah, I would have second thoughts, too.

Edited by Elswyth
Posted

Having lived with a passive aggressive man for 11 years and being given the silent treatment whenever there was conflict, I don't blame you for wanting to get out. Unless he is aware of his behavior and is willing to work on it, this s**t won't change. And if you get married, it gets worse. You'll be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering what you did to piss him off. Yet if he does something that bothers you, forget about it. It was hell. Maybe your situation isn't as bad as mine, but I can say that it's no picnic to live with someone who has trouble with basic communication.

Posted

"we're going to revisit this when you're feeling more comfortable"

 

not so much a boundary as a threat or a push, if he is uncomfortable, accept it

 

"I'm really feeling abandoned/pushed away right now. I want to say something mean to you so at least I can feel like I know the reason why you're so far away."

 

you want to say something mean and tell him so no wonder he is none to keen on talking as you threaten him with meanness, making him the victim, not you

 

either he and you get on or you do not, but if somebody said those kind of things to me, it would not make me feel loved up, all that therapy talk, meh

 

you are overreacting, and sabotaging yourself and your relationship

Posted
I've been in therapy pretty much my whole life - my mom had a psychotic break when I was 8 and it's part of my routine and another tool for me now.

 

I get frustrated with him because he is often passive aggressive with me and gets really negative about some of the things we do together. An example I'd give is that we participate in a weekly trivia night and he rages when we lose (like actually yelling expletives and such). He says I'm distracting him or that I made him second guess himself or that (if I was in the bathroom or whatever) he was all alone and nobody was helping him (sounds really bad now that I'm describing it). I point it out and he brushes it of, "oh, I'm not feeling well." I remind him that 1. that's not an excuse for treating me that way and 2. it doesn't change that it makes me feel ****ty. I don't think I ever really get angry in the stereotypical sense and I think it's part of why he doesn't take me seriously - I don't scream or cry or say mean things to get a rise out of him. I'm more likely to tell him something like, "I'm really feeling abandoned/pushed away right now. I want to say something mean to you so at least I can feel like I know the reason why you're so far away." It feels unfair that he gets to have his rage time or his quiet moment and pull away while I'm feeling helpless and hopeless. I don't have a voice and I feel even more disconnected because we don't meet back in the middle to hash it out.

 

I feel like you and I are living parallel lives. The way you handle things (maturely) can be very intimidating for some people. It doesn't sound like he is the right one for you. Liking the same things and having compatible personalities does not make a relationship. He still has a lot of work to do on himself before he will be ready for one. You've already done a lot of the work. I suggest talking to your therapist about why you are reluctant to leave someone who doesn't respect you.

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