Trying to move on. Looking for perspective though.

[galamoosh]

I'm going to try keep things rather short.

 

She wanted to get married.

I did not.

We split up.

 

I was feeling rather smothered and so I went cold after the breakup. Mostly so the both of us could just focus on finishing the semester. About 4-6 weeks after I go to her house to collect some things and she hugs me, and sighs into me, like she'd been holding her breath for a month. Clearly she still has deep feelings for me. Unbeknown to me she had been seeing/sleeping with a new guy at this point. A friend. A friend who I was cool with her hanging out with when they did rockclimbing and stuff. That hurts later on.

She continues to text me in the following weeks saying how hard some days are without me. I continue being an oblivious jackass.

 

It's now two months since we've broken up and I finally realise she's in a relationship with this guy. I beg, I plead, I cry. She tells me I broke her heart, and did emotional and mental 'things' to her and she can't be with me right now. That she likes this guy, and she isn't even sure if he likes her. I ask her if there is a chance for us in the future, and she begins to say yes, but then says she's "grieved over that relationship" and is going to put everything into this new relationship. They go official on facebook.

 

She continues to text me for the following week, sending me memes from our favourite movie, talking to me about her favourite book. In the 2nd week of the their relationship she has a really bad night and tells me the next day how she almost texted me a bunch of times. The following week she has another rough day and I get a text asking to see me, but she quickly backs out. I ask her how she's doing and she says she's miserable, but "in the grand scheme of things i spose things could be worse." On the 4th week we ran into each other at the shops. The last time we saw each other she was very neutral, still hurting a bit. But this time she was vibrant, relaxed, and pretty happy to see me. We spoke for 30 minutes and she kept trying to extend the conversation.

 

During this time she's done all the social media blasting, took the new guy to a wedding to introduce him to all her friends etc. etc. My best mate, who became pretty good friends with her, tells me how different she is now. She used to be down to earth and cool, but now she's very much seeking attention and just not the same person.

 

They've now been together for two months (4 months since the split) and she stopped responding to my texts (I'd only send one a week). Which is uncharacteristic. She fought pretty hard for us to stay friends. So I believe he might have some insecurities.

 

Anyway I've gone full no contact. I want to move on. But I also want your perspective. They seem perfect on paper. He's everything she wanted from me. He even looks eerily like me. Is this a classic rebound? Do you think she's actually dealt with her feelings properly? Can you form a serious relationship without dealing with things from the last one?

[PegNosePete]

Anyway I've gone full no contact. I want to move on. But I also want your perspective. They seem perfect on paper. He's everything she wanted from me. He even looks eerily like me. Is this a classic rebound? Do you think she's actually dealt with her feelings properly? Can you form a serious relationship without dealing with things from the last one?

If you have gone full no contact then why do you give 2 short planks about her new relationship?

 

If you're no contact properly then you need to let go of this kind of questions. It doesn't concern you. It doesn't affect your life in the slightest.

 

You need to let go.

[galamoosh]

Because it's an incremental process. I have to feel the pain to learn from it, and thus grow. And feeling the pain comes with questions like "how can one be replaced like nothing?"

[MidlifeMama]

Because it's an incremental process. I have to feel the pain to learn from it, and thus grow. And feeling the pain comes with questions like "how can one be replaced like nothing?"

 

Sorry for your pain. Sounds like her new guy was indeed a rebound. But it also "seems" like she is getting into this new relationship and feeling more comfortable. You stated at the beginning that she wanted to get married and you did not. Some women just have to have that wedding, that ring and commitment and they feel the time ticking whether because friends are doing it or they fear a disconnect from the BF or OP. In general we women when we are young have been programmed to get married. It's proof that the OP loves us and we can stop worrying about wondering. She sounds like she was there. Wanting the wedding, the ultimate commitment.

 

You stated you did not want to get married. She took that as you will not commit to her and it's over. Had you tried to continue the relationship based on coming to a mutual agreement that though you were not ready to get married and all that entails and she just said, nope or did you both just end it?

 

Either way, I think your ego is hurt. I think you wanted her to pine for you but what's the appropriate amount of time that should happen? Rebounds are usually the worst but best way to get through a painful breakup because again our ego says we are still attractive and lovable, that we won't die from this hurt and someone else still wants us even if our OP did not.

 

Seems like she had a bunch of reservations hooking up with this guy whether still hooked on you or some of his own qualities, likely both but she's in it. She's a big girl. I see her jumping into a marriage she'll regret if marriage is her ultimate goal.

 

She didn't resolve the two of you just put a bandaide on it. Now your left feeling like she should have grieved more. That really would have only made you feel guilty and perhaps jumped backed in with her due to guilt. Then what? Then you would have ended up marrying and probably not wanting that. Know that she grieves you, she does. Know that she hurts but has chosen to put her feelings into a distraction (the other guy). Sometimes it whatever it takes to get through it, right or wrong. Hopefully she does have some feelings for the OP because that would suck for him, but that is also between those two.

 

If you truly did not want to marry her and still don't then I say let her go. Grieve the relationship, see it for what it was, miss it then let go and move forward. She didn't just forget about you, and likely will never. Women tend to hold a place in their hearts for all who touched their heart but the comfort of another helps the scars heal quicker.

[galamoosh]

Sorry for your pain. Sounds like her new guy was indeed a rebound. But it also "seems" like she is getting into this new relationship and feeling more comfortable. You stated at the beginning that she wanted to get married and you did not. Some women just have to have that wedding, that ring and commitment and they feel the time ticking whether because friends are doing it or they fear a disconnect from the BF or OP. In general we women when we are young have been programmed to get married. It's proof that the OP loves us and we can stop worrying about wondering. She sounds like she was there. Wanting the wedding, the ultimate commitment.

 

You stated you did not want to get married. She took that as you will not commit to her and it's over. Had you tried to continue the relationship based on coming to a mutual agreement that though you were not ready to get married and all that entails and she just said, nope or did you both just end it?

 

Either way, I think your ego is hurt. I think you wanted her to pine for you but what's the appropriate amount of time that should happen? Rebounds are usually the worst but best way to get through a painful breakup because again our ego says we are still attractive and lovable, that we won't die from this hurt and someone else still wants us even if our OP did not.

 

Seems like she had a bunch of reservations hooking up with this guy whether still hooked on you or some of his own qualities, likely both but she's in it. She's a big girl. I see her jumping into a marriage she'll regret if marriage is her ultimate goal.

 

She didn't resolve the two of you just put a bandaide on it. Now your left feeling like she should have grieved more. That really would have only made you feel guilty and perhaps jumped backed in with her due to guilt. Then what? Then you would have ended up marrying and probably not wanting that. Know that she grieves you, she does. Know that she hurts but has chosen to put her feelings into a distraction (the other guy). Sometimes it whatever it takes to get through it, right or wrong. Hopefully she does have some feelings for the OP because that would suck for him, but that is also between those two.

 

If you truly did not want to marry her and still don't then I say let her go. Grieve the relationship, see it for what it was, miss it then let go and move forward. She didn't just forget about you, and likely will never. Women tend to hold a place in their hearts for all who touched their heart but the comfort of another helps the scars heal quicker.

 

Thank you for your words and for your insights. I wanted the relationship to continue with marriage as a possibility depending on how I felt about marriage, but she didn't want to be in a relationship for 5 years and not end up getting married. So I felt like I was left with an ultimatum. So I left, because at the time I didn't see marriage in my future, with anyone.

 

My perspective has changed though. I understand what it is I want out of life, and that is marriage and a family. I've come to respect and appreciate the support structure it is and the meaningfulness that comes from the family unit. And so I would marry her. And this is why it hurts. Not because of my ego (necessarily) but because I realise what I had with her and just never appreciated it. So I've lost an amazing future with an incredible woman.

[SpecialJ]

This guy sounds like a rebound. But sometimes people do end up with their rebounds.

 

My question to you is, did you tell her all this about your perspective shifting? If yes, have your words and actions in dealing with her matched? She may have gone no contact for 3 reasons:

 

1. She took I don't want to get married to mean you don't want to marry her, and now she just wants to move on / is tired of you or tired of talking to you.

2. Trust has been broken and she doesn't know if she can believe you're serious enough about getting back together (ie you're just jealous or still otherwise not ready to commit seriously enough).

3. He's asked her to stop talking to you (or she realized it's not cool to keep in touch with an ex you still have feelings for) and is being respectful of her relationship.

 

Really the only thing you can do is make sure you've directly told her what you've told us. If that's not enough, and this isn't about misunderstanding your intentions, then you have to respect her wishes and boundaries and use no contact to move forward yourself.

Edited September 14, 2017 by SpecialJ

[galamoosh]

This guy sounds like a rebound. But sometimes people do end up with their rebounds.

 

My question to you is, did you tell her all this about your perspective shifting? If yes, have your words and actions in dealing with her matched? She may have gone no contact for 3 reasons:

 

1. She took I don't want to get married to mean you don't want to marry her, and now she just wants to move on / is tired of you or tired of talking to you.

2. Trust has been broken and she doesn't know if she can believe you're serious enough about getting back together (ie you're just jealous or still otherwise not ready to commit seriously enough).

3. He's asked her to stop talking to you (or she realized it's not cool to keep in touch with an ex you still have feelings for) and is being respectful of her relationship.

 

Really the only thing you can do is make sure you've directly told her what you've told us. If that's not enough, and this isn't about misunderstanding your intentions, then you have to respect her wishes and boundaries and use no contact to move forward yourself.

 

I have told her what I want and that I want it with her, but she said those things aren't even on her horizon right now.

 

She was very into our previous text conversation, and then the next one I tried to initiate got no response. So i think #3 is the likely one.

 

I think I hurt her too much. She said even without him in the picture she wouldn't be able to be with me right now.

 

I guess I just need to keep no contact, move on, and maybe I'll hear from her in the future if things don't work out with the rebound.

[N2017]

Dude, I get it from both perspectives. You have school and priorities. If she doesn't get it then that's her problem. It doesn't sound like you guys had any other problems than this, and it's sad that this had to break you apart.

 

You went cold on her because you didn't want to deal with it, and she's trying to get with a new guy because she doesn't want to visit those feelings. Personally, I can't do it when I feel something for a guy, it is impossible for me to rebound, but some girls do it because they want their ex to feel bad or apologize. It's dumb because they just piss their ex off and make the ex not want to talk to them, just like she has to you.

 

You'll find a girl who cares, and I'm guessing she's probably going to come back sometime soon and try to make amends with you. Best thing to do is play her game and find a new girl. There are plenty who don't play games. You don't seem like the jerk type of guy, and you deserve a girl who sees that.

[galamoosh]

Dude, I get it from both perspectives. You have school and priorities. If she doesn't get it then that's her problem. It doesn't sound like you guys had any other problems than this, and it's sad that this had to break you apart.

 

You went cold on her because you didn't want to deal with it, and she's trying to get with a new guy because she doesn't want to visit those feelings. Personally, I can't do it when I feel something for a guy, it is impossible for me to rebound, but some girls do it because they want their ex to feel bad or apologize. It's dumb because they just piss their ex off and make the ex not want to talk to them, just like she has to you.

 

You'll find a girl who cares, and I'm guessing she's probably going to come back sometime soon and try to make amends with you. Best thing to do is play her game and find a new girl. There are plenty who don't play games. You don't seem like the jerk type of guy, and you deserve a girl who sees that.

 

Thank you that really helps. I'm the same as you though, I can't rebound. Or I could, but I know it would only end poorly and I can't do that. I need to focus on myself right now, as hard and terrifying as that is.

 

The hardest part is not being able to convince myself that our story is over. That the future might actually hold something.

[galamoosh]

Hi guys. Me and my ex split 4 months ago, I broke up with her. She wanted marriage and I didn't. I tried getting her back but she was already seeing a new guy (clear rebound). They've been together 9ish weeks now. I did everything wrong in trying to get her back including staying friends. 3 weeks ago she stopped responding so I started No Contact. Been smashing the gym and keeping busy.

 

Today I ran into her and her bf at the shops. She was on the phone when we saw eachother but I smiled and waved, intending to keep going, but she stopped me to hand me some mail, I said thanks and the three of us walked away.

 

Anyway 20 minutes later I get this text: "Hey sorry I couldn't chat, I was on the phone to mum you're looking good though"

 

Do I respond shortly and politely? Or do I stay No Contact? I want to move on, but also not burn bridges for future reconciliation.

 

I feel that because she stopped responding to my last text that any response would make it seem like I've been waiting for a chance to hear from her. Thoughts?

[ZayKayWill]

I would just be polite and say thanks and keep it at that. Just a short polite gesture just to not be rude. Just keep it at that and don't respond in a way that would keep the conversation going. Just act like the fact that she texted you is no big deal basically. Let her chase you.

[kortz]

I want to move on, but also not burn bridges for future reconciliation.

 

I don't think you can have this mindset as its either one or the other. If you move on properly then future reconciliation shouldn't even come into the picture otherwise it means you've not actually moved on.

 

Remind yourself she's now sleeping with another guy, which she's entitled to do so, but by doing so emotional bridges have already been burnt and the damage has been done. You say 3 weeks ago she stopped responding so it sounds like she went NC on you rather you you going NC on her. And the fact is she stopped responding because she was with someone else and didn't want to be with you!

 

My opinion...don't reply to her, remain NC and move on.

[galamoosh]

I would just be polite and say thanks and keep it at that. Just a short polite gesture just to not be rude. Just keep it at that and don't respond in a way that would keep the conversation going. Just act like the fact that she texted you is no big deal basically. Let her chase you.

 

I went with this. Didn't respond until a few hours later (let that anxiety sit in). Interested enough to be polite, disinterested enough to ignore her compliment "Hey no worries, hope your mum is well."

 

With respect to your opinion Kortz, I think truly moving on is when you can become indifferent to all that. When you can compartmentalise your old relationship, their current relationship, and potentially your brand new relationship - because at some point between the old one and the new one you've moved on. You writing that simply made me emotional and angry again. The only reason I would be either of those things is because I haven't fully moved on. I believe I can move on from her while also acknowledging that she was a good partner to be with, so I don't mind optimising the potential for reconciliation, but I also won't put my life on hold.

 

Though right now I'm looking at working on myself so that I can be in a position in terms of career and stability to bring a lot to the table for my next partner, in the event that I find someone worth spending my life with.

[elaine567]

When there is a good reason for a split like there is here, then I have found it is much easier to get over and move on. There are no what ifs, buts, maybes it is all clear, done and dusted.

Here you told her you did not want to get married and then you went cold, so she has no other option but to move on and she did.

 

Yes, rebounds may not work, especially if the rebound person is obviously just the first person grabbed and is not seen as being of the "quality" of the ex partner, but if the rebound is a newer, shiner, better model in reality then it could work as who would want to let that go in favour of someone who didn't really want you and thus dumped you?

[galamoosh]

So she did a follow up text a few hours later at 11pm saying her mum is good and she hopes my last semester of uni is going well. For the last few weeks I've been convincing myself that we'd never so much as have a text between us again, now she's interested in talking? And with such lame topics? This late at night? I think I'll keep playing this cool.

[d0nnivain]

NC is about your behavior, not hers.

 

Unless you want to marry her & plan to give her an e-ring within the next week, leave her alone.

 

She was being polite. She has no interest in carrying on the way you were.

[Jchav123]

So she did a follow up text a few hours later at 11pm saying her mum is good and she hopes my last semester of uni is going well. For the last few weeks I've been convincing myself that we'd never so much as have a text between us again, now she's interested in talking? And with such lame topics? This late at night? I think I'll keep playing this cool.

 

If your ultimate goal is to be her friend just be careful. Old emotions bubble up fast and its usually a negative thing. But I'd generally agree with how you are playing it, let her pursue you. Most importantly, you live your life and be happy. She will do the same and if she wants to reach out, she will keep doing so.

[galamoosh]

If your ultimate goal is to be her friend just be careful. Old emotions bubble up fast and its usually a negative thing. But I'd generally agree with how you are playing it, let her pursue you. Most importantly, you live your life and be happy. She will do the same and if she wants to reach out, she will keep doing so.

 

Nah I don't want to be her friend. My responses aren't intended to produce friendship, only polite disinterest. If it gets to the point where she is trying to be friends I will tell her I'm not interested in anything less than a romantic relationship and if she changes her mind about that to contact me, otherwise I'm happy for both of us to continue moving on (which I am, because I can see a path forward, even if some days really suck). Thanks man, that's the plan!

Edited September 21, 2017 by galamoosh

[d0nnivain]

She wants to get married. You don't. That is a classic impasse. So unless you have changed your mind & want to propose leave the poor girl alone to live her life & possibly find somebody who shares her vision for the future.

[William]

Moderation merged three threads on a similar topic, a breakup, into BBU and please continue the discussion on this breakup in this thread. There may be some duplication of content due to past separate threads. Thanks!

[galamoosh]

She wants to get married. You don't. That is a classic impasse. So unless you have changed your mind & want to propose leave the poor girl alone to live her life & possibly find somebody who shares her vision for the future.

 

This has been the most significant loss in my life to date, more significant than the 5-year relationship I was in previously, and has really shaped my understanding what I want my future to look like. In conjunction with listening to a psychologist I've cemented the idea of marriage and family into my goals moving forward in life. Yes, I would marry her. I haven't jumped into a rebound relationship because I know I can transform myself from this experience, even though it hurts like hell.

[galamoosh]

Also I was "leaving the poor girl alone" - she's the one who has reopened communication with me. And I'm not badgering her in any way, I'm actually responding in a way that's off-standish.

[d0nnivain]

If you have now decided you are open to the idea of marriage, next time she calls tell her that & ask to meet.

 

You can only reconcile if you are talking.

 

Be really sure though. If you get engaged you can't come back here freaking out that she was with this other guy during the time you were apart. It would be unfair to punish her for that.

[galamoosh]

If you have now decided you are open to the idea of marriage, next time she calls tell her that & ask to meet.

 

You can only reconcile if you are talking.

 

I have told her what I want, though at the time she may not have believed me, and said that those things are "not even on the horizon" for her right now. I think for now it's best not to interfere in her relationship so directly.

 

I think it's clear that my recent improvements have caught her attention. She doesn't care about how my semester is going in the middle of the night, she's just finding something to text me about because she misses me. For now I'll just keep moving forward with NC and LC. I need to get to the point where I've moved on from her, otherwise I won't be emotionally ready if she does come around one day. There's still a lot of jealousy and anger for me to work through.

[d0nnivain]

If you need to work through jealousy then you are not ready to be married.

 

Here's the problem though -- if you continue NC that will send her the message that you no longer care & that you are rejecting her. She will eventually tire of chasing you & disappear along with any chance you may ever have to get back together.

 

Moreover, once you have moved on from her, there is no relationship left on either side.

 

Frankly your post makes little sense. On the one hand you say you want her back. On the other you say you want to move on from her. Which is it? Until you know your own mind nobody can help you figure this out. Pick a direction & go that way