SingleMom40 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 :eek:I've been dating this guys for 10 months. He never pays when we go out to dinner. He will pay if we go to the bar He complains that his ex girlfriend never paid for anything. During month 2 through month 5 I paid his cellular bill. He's always making big plans with his mouth but not following through. I hate to tell him I'm going grocery shopping because he will give me a list of stuff he needs. Once I bought him lunch meat and gatorade for work and told him to grab some chips. He never packed his lunch saying I didnt buy any chips to go with it. He tries to pull guilt trips if he wants something and I dont jump and say okay I'll get it (which I never do cause I didnt give birth to him) He will say someone else got it for him. When I mention a concert or movie he will say okay babe go ahead and get the tickets. Or he will mention it but it will end with Okay babe go ahead and get the tickets Don't get me wrong hes handsome, dresses really well is very likeable by others. He supports me, listens to me and makes my kid smile. But I am still waiting on him to show me something? Am I petty. I've been in this relationship so long still waiting. Maybe this time we go out I dont have to pay. Maybe this time while we are running errands I can say babe lets stop and grab fastfood and he will pull out his wallet not wait for me too. I just want him to do for me just once. When he gets paid the first thing on his mind is not me. He's looking at shoes and matching shirts and flashy jeans. He wants to go out and be seen that night. When I hint around that i want to go on date night he says okay or he makes an excuse. I have to find a babysitter so I have to plan stuff out. So he claims hes spontaneous so we dont go. I like this man so much he makes me laugh smile and feel a way I have not felt in 6 years but when it comes to the money situation. I feel Used. I feel like he was looking for a Mom and not a girlfriend. ( feel like the Ericka Badu song Tyrone) What should I do to turn this situation around. Hes talking marriage and I'm just not convinced.
NexttP Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 No, you're not petty. He's vain and selfish, and you have to decide whether you want to stick around with someone like that. It does not matter if he's a nice person. There are four reasons why people want a relationship. Physical need, mental/emotional need, safety, and quality of life. It seems like physical and mental/emotion needs are met. You haven't mentioned anything about safety (trust). But the last part he is not passing, he is not improving your quality of life. Quality of life means that you split expenses and responsibilities so you can eat better food, worry less about bills, worry less about rent, worry less about chores, and worry less about not being able to get things you want (of course, not going overboard like getting an 80" 3D TV or a Porche). People say money doesn't buy happiness but boy does having money help, if you know how to use it. You cannot have a lasting happy relationship with someone who does not fully improve your quality of life even if all other three factors are met. The same holds true if a relationship is missing any of the four. Time will whittle you down slowly until you are not happy anymore and everything is just "meh," "fine," or "it is not that bad." 4
Author SingleMom40 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 I needed this. I needed to hear exactly this. I was feeling this way but wasn't sure it was the right way to feel. Thank you for giving me the reassurance I need. I make more than all my girlfriends and they call me cheap and when i bring up these issues they call me cheap and say Im too old to be picky. I stopped talking to them after I paid his Cell phone bill and felt like I let myself down. Thank you.
Shindig Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 (edited) Yeah... I agree that he's not worth your time. I know that feeling of "oh, he needs my help" but he's not a wounded bird. He's a grown ass man. If he can't take care of himself, he can't take care of you... or kids. Find someone who can give, take and be a partner... not a snotty teenager. Also... (edit) you're not too old to be picky. You don't have too many kids to be picky. You're not too fat to be picky. If it's not a good match, it's not a good match. Find a good match, not just a "kind of ok, maybe it'll get better" situation. Edited September 14, 2017 by Shindig <3 2
Zahara Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 He's a user. He's not broke if he has money from his paycheck to buy clothes and shoes and a bag of goose eggs for you. Aim higher, OP. Set some healthy standards and values for yourself. A man who's handsome, dresses well, listens to you and makes your kid smile doesn't make for a healthy, nurturing and sustaining partner. Your standards here are pretty low if that's all it takes to keep you around. Besides he has to give you something to balance off all that you're doing and keep you attached -- and it seems to be working. Expect and know you deserve more than this. Stop being his mother and stop taking care of him financially in hopes he returns your affections. You won't buy his love but only enable his bad behavior. Find a man that treats you well where you both support and nurture each other. This will never be it.
Author SingleMom40 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 Zahara, Thank you. My standards have always been high. I've always talked about the Power Couple and been power driven but for some reason, I felt the need to stay in this relationship. "Aim higher, OP. Set some healthy standards and values for yourself. A man who's handsome, dresses well, listens to you and makes your kid smile doesn't make for a healthy, nurturing and sustaining partner. Your standards here are pretty low if that's all it takes to keep you around" This sentence right here really hit home. Thank you! I needed it.
Author SingleMom40 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 Thank you Shindig! Youre right if hes bringing in a paycheck he is not broke! Powerful statement! I have felt so darn awkward in this relationship. The things you have stated are everything my intuition has been screaming. Thank you for the confirmation.
PegNosePete Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I didnt give birth to him But does he know that? Sounds like he needs reminding. Hes talking marriage Of course he is! Then you will have a legal responsibility to support him, not just a self-imposed moral one! 3
act00 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 He's definitely a user, and he knows how to lay the charm on real thick in order to keep the cash cow flowing. You're not thinking long-term. You're not thinking about the potential father to your children or contributing to the household. He's going to continue to allow you to pay the bills and fund his lifestyle. Once you start telling him no or that he needs to plan his budget better, "Remember you couldn't pay your phone bill. Shoes should not be your priority," he'll move on to the next one he can charm. He's good at what he does, since he hits up more than you to cover his expenses. Speaking of the future, since marriage has been broached...of course that makes your toes curl...keeps the money flowing...think about how he'll be when you can't cover the electric bill and groceries at the same time, and he comes home with expensive clothes and wants to go out, which he ultimately does alone because there's no money for a babysitter, and you didn't get to buy a fancy new outfit. It's just not sustainable. You love him (or think you do) because he is very good at doing and saying all the right things, but he's really manipulating money out of people. In all the time you've dated, have you found some of his friends or family have dropped out of his life or are avoidant? The same way you are doing because you know he'll try to swindle a "quick favor" out of you if you mention errands or grocery shopping? Your avoidance to even mention the fact you need to go grocery shopping because you know what the result will be is a red flag all on its own.
stillafool Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Yes he's using you. I don't know why you allow this especially being a single mother at 40. Is it worth it to have a man if you have to pay to see him?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Didn't need to finish your post to say, "Ack!" He's a user/abuser/loser/broke/cheap/selfish... Why are you tolerating this from any man? Or human being? You are a single mother. Spare yourself and your child(ren) from witnessing another example of a dysfunctional relationship. Cut him loose and find something with a modicum of ambition, decency. ..."ack!."
Art_Critic Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 This guy is pretty deep in your wallet... Yeah he is a user, someone who is preying on a single Mom who needs her money for her family.. When you dump him please don't let him back into your life as the using will be worse... 1
Redhead14 Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 he makes me laugh -- He makes me laugh too . . . the guy is a joke as far as being a potential candidate for a long-term relationship. He doesn't want a wife or girlfriend, he wants a sugar mama. He is not treating you like someone he considers to be his "girlfriend", that's for sure. What should you do to turn the situation around? Stop paying for his phone or anything else. Observe how long he sticks around. It's going to be difficult for him to call you if his phone is shut off anyway. You can do so much better. No self-respecting man or woman, for that matter, would allow a dating partner who is not even engaged to them, to pay months and months of a cell phone bill! And, you have children, is this the role model you want to bring to them???? Hes talking marriage and I'm just not convinced. -- That's because he's not convincing. He's blowing smoke. Please don't inhale . . . 1
coolheadal Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 :eek:I've been dating this guys for 10 months. He never pays when we go out to dinner. He will pay if we go to the bar He complains that his ex girlfriend never paid for anything. During month 2 through month 5 I paid his cellular bill. He's always making big plans with his mouth but not following through. I hate to tell him I'm going grocery shopping because he will give me a list of stuff he needs. Once I bought him lunch meat and gatorade for work and told him to grab some chips. He never packed his lunch saying I didnt buy any chips to go with it. He tries to pull guilt trips if he wants something and I dont jump and say okay I'll get it (which I never do cause I didnt give birth to him) He will say someone else got it for him. When I mention a concert or movie he will say okay babe go ahead and get the tickets. Or he will mention it but it will end with Okay babe go ahead and get the tickets Don't get me wrong hes handsome, dresses really well is very likeable by others. He supports me, listens to me and makes my kid smile. But I am still waiting on him to show me something? Am I petty. I've been in this relationship so long still waiting. Maybe this time we go out I dont have to pay. Maybe this time while we are running errands I can say babe lets stop and grab fastfood and he will pull out his wallet not wait for me too. I just want him to do for me just once. When he gets paid the first thing on his mind is not me. He's looking at shoes and matching shirts and flashy jeans. He wants to go out and be seen that night. When I hint around that i want to go on date night he says okay or he makes an excuse. I have to find a babysitter so I have to plan stuff out. So he claims hes spontaneous so we dont go. I like this man so much he makes me laugh smile and feel a way I have not felt in 6 years but when it comes to the money situation. I feel Used. I feel like he was looking for a Mom and not a girlfriend. ( feel like the Ericka Badu song Tyrone) What should I do to turn this situation around. Hes talking marriage and I'm just not convinced. Your a victim of a serial deadbeat.... What I can't understand is why a smart single mom like yourself is with this jerk! Are you his mommy? I am sure you don't realize what's going on until it smacks you right between the eyes. Basically your taking care of his needs, your paying for everything and I am sure your giving him pocket money? Let this jerk go and get a real man. Because real men don't play this crap on women. You need to hit your forehead now and say what a fool I've been played by this jerk. Stop giving him money and tell the jerk to leave now or you just don't have any more contact with him ever again.
mortensorchid Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 He's not looking for a gf, he wants Nana. Why? Because he's not a man, he's a boy. Boys want Nana to take care of them, men want women. Facts.
darkmoon Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 (edited) tell him you need your money for other things, later on, kid's college (or just make an excuse) and stop paying for you both, just stop, and be frugal so he sees you mean it it must have been nice for him, overly nice of you, imho, but he must know that he has to pay his way, unless he has been living under a rock why did you keep paying for him? Edited September 14, 2017 by darkmoon 1
smackie9 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Step 1, put foot to ass Step 2, kick firmly to curb Step 3, find new BF
JuneL Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 It sounds like his good looks and very nice outfits are his assets. So essentially you are getting a gigolo. Paying for your dates out plus some of his groceries plus a few months of phone bills doesn't sound like too big of a rip off. Especially since he knows how to entertain you and your kid. 1
guest569 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 You are not being picky or petty! He sounds awful. Doesn't matter how good looking or 'nice' he is. You don't need some adult child to care for the rest of your life. do NOT marry this loser!!
pest947 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 This is exactly what you should do! https://media.giphy.com/media/9rRacglGbs68E/giphy.gif
preraph Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 He's using you. There's some guys out there who find a lot of ego gratification in having a sugar momma. I mean it's perfectly fine and normal to split bills with him once you been in a relationship for a while but he thinks you want him so bad that you'll just pay for everything. I don't know why you're still there. You say you're waiting. This is who he is he isn't going to change. Love isn't going to convert him to a guy who will pay his own way apparently. He probably stays with you because you will give him what he wants and not for any other reason. Don't this guy and find a real boyfriend.
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 When he gets paid the first thing on his mind is not me. He's looking at shoes and matching shirts and flashy jeans. He wants to go out and be seen that night. Didn't you see that right from the beginning? That would have turned me off so bad. When someone disappoints you once you give them a chance. When they disappoint you twice you put them on probation. When the 3rd times comes around you dump them. This relationship should have ended before reaching 3 month mark. 1
bpb2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 I'm laughing at everyone replying to the OP that she should leave the guy, as if he wasn't handsome and as if she wasn't a single mom. He has a job but just doesn't spend it all on her — that doesn't make him broke. She's a single mom, sorry but the standards are lower. I'm not saying that it's right but SMs will put up with all kinds of BS compared to if she didn't have a child. Also most guys will treat SMs differently (not saying it's right, it's just how it is). I've seen this scenario many times. In the end the guy leaves the girl when he's tired, or the girl dumps the guy (pretending to have self-respect) but then soon regrets it.
elaine567 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 When he gets paid the first thing on his mind is not me. He's looking at shoes and matching shirts and flashy jeans. He wants to go out and be seen that night.Didn't you see that right from the beginning? That would have turned me off so bad. Same here and he then goes out alone in his finery, spending the cash no doubt on other women... when normally he can't even afford fastfood or pay for his own damn phone... He is a peacock, no doubt a cheater, and he is definitely using you. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 It sounds as if you'd be better off overall without him in your life. I agree that he sounds basically like a gigolo. You're contributing more financially for his company and entertainment. Your intuition is telling you clearly this isn't good or right for you. I understand it feels harder to find a good match as you get older, you get tempted to put up with things you normally wouldn't, and I'm sure this is compounded as a single parent. Personally, it's very important to me to have peace and well-being in my life. It doesn't work for me to feel dragged down by a man in any way. I do better on my own. You know deep down whether this guy is right for you or not. It seems pretty clear from what you're saying here that the answer is clear. I'd end it and not look back. You can do better, once you get your mind and heart set on a better relationship, a higher standard, than this.
Recommended Posts