uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Tl;dr, guy that doesn’t want a serious relationship left me stranded in a desert for 12 hours after doing too many drugs at a music festival. I keyed his car because I was pissed. I’ve since paid for the car to be repaired, but he has done nothing to make amends and continues to act cold and distant. BUT he was amazing before all this. Do I try and work things out or move on? Long story: I met a really cute guy at a music festival held out in the desert about a year ago. We had an amazing time together and incredible sexual chemistry, but I figured once the festival ended we would go our separate ways (we live on opposite sides of the country). Turns out he gets free buddy passes from a friend, and he wanted to fly out to see me! I had no hope that this long-distance thing could possibly work out, especially since we were starting out long distance from the get-go. However, we continued to fly out to see each other about once a month. We had amazing times together, went on fun adventures, other festivals, skiing, hiking, etc. We would also video chat with each other for hours one night a week. Clearly we had a pretty amazing connection to keep doing all this in spite of the distance. He was always really sweet to me and we started to say I love you to each other before too long. However, he was always clear that he didn’t want a serious relationship (whatever that actually means) and he didn’t want to put a label on what we were doing, which was frustrating at times, especially when people would ask if we were dating. Still, overall it was amazing, and I was really happy with him. Fast forward to a year later, we decided to go to the same festival, together. I think my first mistake was having some expectation or hope that this would be an amazing “anniversary” for us, would deepen our connection, and, given that his feelings for me seemed pretty deep, we could maybe put some kind of label—any label—on what we were doing. Well, all of those expectations were quickly dashed. He was in a terrible mood most of the time we were there. When I tried to bring up the topic of our relationship, all he did was get annoyed. After a while of dealing with this, I figured maybe we should just do our own thing for most of the remainder of the festival. When I did this, I actually had an amazing time on my own, and it felt very freeing to be away from all his negativity. At the end of the festival, I wanted to find him again at least to experience the last parts together. I found him very intoxicated, having sex with someone else. We’ve always been very open and can have sex with whomever we want (and have even had threesomes together), but for some reason this time, seeing him ****ed up with this other person and more or less ignoring me, my heart felt crushed. I went up to him and told him I didn’t feel that I could keep doing this with him, and ran back to my tent and went to sleep for the rest of the night. The next day we were supposed to leave, and I had no idea if I was even going to ride back with him at this point. I came and found him, and apologized for lashing out at him. He started crying and said “you should have lashed out at me. I’ve been acting like a complete ******* to you” and started crying, and hugged me for what seemed like forever. We agreed we would talk about it more after we packed our stuff. I went back to my tent and started packing. He stopped by where I was camped and said he wanted to hit one more dance party before we left, and to just come by and get him beforehand. I was kind of disappointed that he didn’t want to stay and help me pack, but it was his vacation too, so I just said sure, see you there. Once I came to find him, he seemed somewhat ****ed up again, and started trying to have a serious conversation with me about what happened, in the middle of the dance floor. I told him I didn’t want to have a serious talk while everyone was dancing, and he’d promised we would leave. He told me I’d taken too long to pack, so now he was going to stay and dance. I got pissed off at this point as I was tired, ready to go, and frustrated with him being a dick once again. I yelled **** YOU at him and stormed off to where his car was, figuring he would eventually show up after he got tired of dancing. Four hours went by, and nothing. I sent him a text telling him to please come to the car. No response. I send him a Facebook message. Still no response. Super pissed at this point, I key his car out of frustration (which I definitely should not have done, obviously, and I regret doing it). It gets dark, and he still hasn’t come back. I’m frustrated and scared. I feel like I can’t leave to go find him, because what if he came back while I was gone looking for him? Meanwhile some parties are still happening, which I’m sure he’s at having at blast, while I’m stuck sad, scared, and alone. Another EIGHT hours pass and he finally shows back up to the car. We had to drive back six hours, and he hardly talks to me at all. Then, to keep a long story short, he sort of has an epiphany that a certain drug he’d been taking was probably making him act this way towards me. He apologized, but it was nothing like his tearful apology from the day prior. Then he discovered that I keyed his car and rightfully got pissed. However, he sort of forgave me right before I left, and I promised I would pay for it. He also said he would make it up to me that I had to wait so long for him. It’s been about a week since then, and all that’s really happened is he’s sent a couple texts checking in on me (I’m near the area of a hurricane that recently passed through). He also sent me an insanely expensive invoice for getting the scratch repaired on his car (which is already over 10 years old anyway…) but I went ahead and paid it to absolve myself of what I did wrong. I’ve been trying to get him to call me and after a couple of texts, he finally agreed to talk to me tomorrow, but it was not easy to get him to agree to that. It’s so weird, like a switch has been flipped. One minute we were having an amazing time together, and after this festival it’s like he’s this different person that almost hates me. I don’t know whether I should try to work with him to figure out what went wrong, or just give up and move on since he’s treating me like ****. What would you do if you were me?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 What would I do if I were you? I would finally be forced to admit to myself that I am unhappy in this non-relationship and my needs and desires and not being met. I would recognize that I want more and this guy is not the one for me. A year is far too long to wait and hope that someone will want to make me his girlfriend. I would also acknowledge that the events at this festival are simply evidence that we do not have a future together, and there were problems long beforehand. The festival brought those problems to the surface, but they would have eventually come out regardless. 1
preraph Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 This isn't someone you want a relationship with. He's an intermittent sex buddy at best and not even a dependable one. I don't blame you for being mad. Something similar happened to me once years ago. After a gig, the guy, who I'd known a couple of years, had me watch his guitar and then he got sidetracked (he said something about someone doing acid or something) and never returned. The funny thing, not funny at the time though, was my ex was also there and with a girl, and that night she ran off with a guy in the other and, leaving him similarly perplexed. So we sat and talked and then gave up waiting for them and went home. The guy came by for his guitar the next day. This guy of yours is just all over the place and he's not a good guy or he wouldn't have left you out there like that. It's not nice.
Zahara Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I don’t know whether I should try to work with him to figure out what went wrong, or just give up and move on since he’s treating me like ****. What would you do if you were me? So you are asking if you should try to work it out with someone that treats you like ****? OP, you know the answer to this -- forget the guy that you initially met. The guy that is treating you like **** is who he really is and that is not changing. He's not it. Find a way to accept that and will yourself to move on. 1
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Tip: don't key their car, kick 'em in the nuts.
stillafool Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 A serious relationship is one where you two are dating exclusively with the intent to go further. He did not want that with you and told you so. There really was no need to bring it up again. This guy sounds like someone who is just out for fun and kicks and once that dries up with one girl/guy he moves on another who is more fun. Given the horrible way he treated you at this festival definitely do not see him again.
Pumpkin008 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 RUN. As fast as you can from the loser. He is a lousy friend and an even lousier potential mate. How you put up with this crud is beyond me. It sounds like you had some good times but what he did to you is unforgivable. I wouldn't have keyed his car- I would have set it on fire.
coolheadal Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Tl;dr, guy that doesn’t want a serious relationship left me stranded in a desert for 12 hours after doing too many drugs at a music festival. I keyed his car because I was pissed. I’ve since paid for the car to be repaired, but he has done nothing to make amends and continues to act cold and distant. BUT he was amazing before all this. Do I try and work things out or move on? Long story: I met a really cute guy at a music festival held out in the desert about a year ago. We had an amazing time together and incredible sexual chemistry, but I figured once the festival ended we would go our separate ways (we live on opposite sides of the country). Turns out he gets free buddy passes from a friend, and he wanted to fly out to see me! I had no hope that this long-distance thing could possibly work out, especially since we were starting out long distance from the get-go. However, we continued to fly out to see each other about once a month. We had amazing times together, went on fun adventures, other festivals, skiing, hiking, etc. We would also video chat with each other for hours one night a week. Clearly we had a pretty amazing connection to keep doing all this in spite of the distance. He was always really sweet to me and we started to say I love you to each other before too long. However, he was always clear that he didn’t want a serious relationship (whatever that actually means) and he didn’t want to put a label on what we were doing, which was frustrating at times, especially when people would ask if we were dating. Still, overall it was amazing, and I was really happy with him. Fast forward to a year later, we decided to go to the same festival, together. I think my first mistake was having some expectation or hope that this would be an amazing “anniversary” for us, would deepen our connection, and, given that his feelings for me seemed pretty deep, we could maybe put some kind of label—any label—on what we were doing. Well, all of those expectations were quickly dashed. He was in a terrible mood most of the time we were there. When I tried to bring up the topic of our relationship, all he did was get annoyed. After a while of dealing with this, I figured maybe we should just do our own thing for most of the remainder of the festival. When I did this, I actually had an amazing time on my own, and it felt very freeing to be away from all his negativity. At the end of the festival, I wanted to find him again at least to experience the last parts together. I found him very intoxicated, having sex with someone else. We’ve always been very open and can have sex with whomever we want (and have even had threesomes together), but for some reason this time, seeing him ****ed up with this other person and more or less ignoring me, my heart felt crushed. I went up to him and told him I didn’t feel that I could keep doing this with him, and ran back to my tent and went to sleep for the rest of the night. The next day we were supposed to leave, and I had no idea if I was even going to ride back with him at this point. I came and found him, and apologized for lashing out at him. He started crying and said “you should have lashed out at me. I’ve been acting like a complete ******* to you” and started crying, and hugged me for what seemed like forever. We agreed we would talk about it more after we packed our stuff. I went back to my tent and started packing. He stopped by where I was camped and said he wanted to hit one more dance party before we left, and to just come by and get him beforehand. I was kind of disappointed that he didn’t want to stay and help me pack, but it was his vacation too, so I just said sure, see you there. Once I came to find him, he seemed somewhat ****ed up again, and started trying to have a serious conversation with me about what happened, in the middle of the dance floor. I told him I didn’t want to have a serious talk while everyone was dancing, and he’d promised we would leave. He told me I’d taken too long to pack, so now he was going to stay and dance. I got pissed off at this point as I was tired, ready to go, and frustrated with him being a dick once again. I yelled **** YOU at him and stormed off to where his car was, figuring he would eventually show up after he got tired of dancing. Four hours went by, and nothing. I sent him a text telling him to please come to the car. No response. I send him a Facebook message. Still no response. Super pissed at this point, I key his car out of frustration (which I definitely should not have done, obviously, and I regret doing it). It gets dark, and he still hasn’t come back. I’m frustrated and scared. I feel like I can’t leave to go find him, because what if he came back while I was gone looking for him? Meanwhile some parties are still happening, which I’m sure he’s at having at blast, while I’m stuck sad, scared, and alone. Another EIGHT hours pass and he finally shows back up to the car. We had to drive back six hours, and he hardly talks to me at all. Then, to keep a long story short, he sort of has an epiphany that a certain drug he’d been taking was probably making him act this way towards me. He apologized, but it was nothing like his tearful apology from the day prior. Then he discovered that I keyed his car and rightfully got pissed. However, he sort of forgave me right before I left, and I promised I would pay for it. He also said he would make it up to me that I had to wait so long for him. It’s been about a week since then, and all that’s really happened is he’s sent a couple texts checking in on me (I’m near the area of a hurricane that recently passed through). He also sent me an insanely expensive invoice for getting the scratch repaired on his car (which is already over 10 years old anyway…) but I went ahead and paid it to absolve myself of what I did wrong. I’ve been trying to get him to call me and after a couple of texts, he finally agreed to talk to me tomorrow, but it was not easy to get him to agree to that. It’s so weird, like a switch has been flipped. One minute we were having an amazing time together, and after this festival it’s like he’s this different person that almost hates me. I don’t know whether I should try to work with him to figure out what went wrong, or just give up and move on since he’s treating me like ****. What would you do if you were me? Your both strangers you don't know this guy from Adam. So what do you expect loyality. Your very lucky it wasn't worst that you have described. You really can't trust anyone until you get to know them a lot longer. Why do you want us to tell you to do if we were you? The answer is obvious! WALK AWAY AND NEVER TURN BACK!
Author uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 Your both strangers you don't know this guy from Adam. So what do you expect loyality. Your very lucky it wasn't worst that you have described. You really can't trust anyone until you get to know them a lot longer. Why do you want us to tell you to do if we were you? The answer is obvious! WALK AWAY AND NEVER TURN BACK! I think you may be confused. We've known each other for a year. I'd say that's a pretty long time...
Author uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 RUN. As fast as you can from the loser. He is a lousy friend and an even lousier potential mate. How you put up with this crud is beyond me. It sounds like you had some good times but what he did to you is unforgivable. I wouldn't have keyed his car- I would have set it on fire. Well, I didn't really put up with it. I keyed his car and then went home shortly after. The other thing that I think didn't come across in my post is that I've known him for a year before this and he's never acted like this before. At all. He's helped me through a lot and he did quite a lot of selfless things for me before this. It was truly like he became a different person.
Author uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 Well, I didn't really put up with it. I keyed his car and then went home shortly after. The other thing that I think didn't come across in my post is that I've known him for a year before this and he's never acted like this before. At all. He's helped me through a lot and he did quite a lot of selfless things for me before this. It was truly like he became a different person. Maybe I am in denial though. It is reassuring to have everyone tell me to just leave. It would certainly be easier than trying to fix things at this point. I love the the side of him that I knew for a year but I definitely don't love this other side of him that I've just discovered. He promised he would never do anything like that again but who knows.
Author uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 A serious relationship is one where you two are dating exclusively with the intent to go further. He did not want that with you and told you so. There really was no need to bring it up again. This guy sounds like someone who is just out for fun and kicks and once that dries up with one girl/guy he moves on another who is more fun. Given the horrible way he treated you at this festival definitely do not see him again. I think definitions of "serious relationship" can vary from person to person. I know plenty of people in relationships that I would consider "serious" that are not at all exclusive. I think in some respects a relationship where you're flying out to see one another and setting aside time each week to talk on the phone for hours, and saying I love you to each other, is its own form of commitment. All we were doing on the phone each week was talking. There was no sex involved (for the most part) as I'm not much for virtual sex. Why bother talking for hours on the phone with someone every week if all you're looking for is fun? It's more than that. It's a connection. I'm tempted to walk away after this incident, but it's not like it's been a pattern of behavior. Should I really throw it all away over this one thing, as terrible as it is?
Author uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 This isn't someone you want a relationship with. He's an intermittent sex buddy at best and not even a dependable one. I don't blame you for being mad. Something similar happened to me once years ago. After a gig, the guy, who I'd known a couple of years, had me watch his guitar and then he got sidetracked (he said something about someone doing acid or something) and never returned. The funny thing, not funny at the time though, was my ex was also there and with a girl, and that night she ran off with a guy in the other and, leaving him similarly perplexed. So we sat and talked and then gave up waiting for them and went home. The guy came by for his guitar the next day. This guy of yours is just all over the place and he's not a good guy or he wouldn't have left you out there like that. It's not nice. He is definitely all over the place, that is for sure. I think that, if anything, is the real deal breaker—I want someone with more stability. I guess I've been hoping that he'll figure himself out but I also can't wait around forever.
coolheadal Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I think you may be confused. We've known each other for a year. I'd say that's a pretty long time... Known him a year then then what does he do too you.. Well surprise, surprise, you want to hold on to him then do so but we can't say anything else to tell you what you really need to do. If you are stubborn and you sure act like you are then boy I can't feel sorry for you then. You have to deal with this issue on your own. Dump, keep or love... the choice is yours.. make up your mind already otherwise close this chapter now...
Author uncertainandconfused Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 Was just trying to clarify that he's not a stranger. Also not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. Just wanted input from others. Thanks for weighing in.
stillafool Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I think definitions of "serious relationship" can vary from person to person. I know plenty of people in relationships that I would consider "serious" that are not at all exclusive. I think in some respects a relationship where you're flying out to see one another and setting aside time each week to talk on the phone for hours, and saying I love you to each other, is its own form of commitment. All we were doing on the phone each week was talking. There was no sex involved (for the most part) as I'm not much for virtual sex. Why bother talking for hours on the phone with someone every week if all you're looking for is fun? It's more than that. It's a connection. I'm tempted to walk away after this incident, but it's not like it's been a pattern of behavior. Should I really throw it all away over this one thing, as terrible as it is? Look, you were the one who implied you didn't know what a "serious" relationship was so I gave you my definition. I've never known anyone who was in a serious relationship that didn't involve exclusivity and sex. I talk to my best gf every week via phone for 2 hours but I'm not in love with her. If you don't want to walk away from this guy then don't. People here are just giving you their opinions which you don't like. Do what you want to do.
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