What to say to a friend when her boyfriend is behaving badly?

[janellel]

Hi, I would like some honest opinions on this.

 

So the background is that over the past year, I had some cosmetic work done on myself. Nothing serious, just a series of fixes for some things I never liked about myself. The work was flawless, and afterwards I thought everything looked absolutely perfect (I had my nose, breasts, butt, and thighs done), and I was very satisfied with the results. However, I noticed something afterwards that really disturbed me.

 

All of my friends’ bfs started hitting on me! And I mean all of them! It really shocked me, even knowing how guys are, because I knew them and they were nice guys and we were all friends. I even noticed a certain pattern to it. It usually begins with constant staring and compliments. Then it progresses to outright drooling and commenting on specific body parts. Then, at some point they start getting touchy-feely, tickling me and stuff. And finally, they will outright proposition me, which sometimes descends into outright begging depending on the guy (a couple guys even got down on their knees! ). Naturally, it makes me really uncomfortable and I’m never sure of the best way to turn them down. Usually, I'll just tell them I have a bf (which is the truth), but sometimes they will get mad when I reject them and call me a “tease”.

 

But the worst thing of all is figuring out what to tell my friends, if anything. I’ve tried different things, but it seems I’m damned if I do or damned if I don’t. I tried just not saying anything to one friend, and she accused me of being a willing participant, and being dishonest about it. I also tried being completely forthcoming with another friend, but that led to her thinking I was bragging about it, and she even thought I was taunting her. I also tried a combination of the above approaches with another friend - I told her but worded it in a way that made it sound more innocent that it was - but I got the same results. All three of them hate me now.

 

So my question is, what is the proper way to handle this situation? Do you tell your friend what her bf is doing, and if so what is the best way to approach it?

 

I really need a solution here as all of my friends are starting to actually hate me, one by one.

[preraph]

I am all for calling them out and busting them for it right when it happens loudly so that everyone hears. If it just happened you bust them for it no one can say you're participating in it. It will embarrass everyone and that's good. Better them than you.

 

So if a friend's boyfriend stares or says something inappropriate, right then use a loud voice and yell at him about what he's doing. "Hey, Larry, stop staring at my boobs. Aren't you supposed to be all in love with my best friend Millie over here?" Or "what did you just say to me? I have a boyfriend and I thought you were with my friend Millie."

 

Some of those women may stay mad no matter what you do, but what you cannot do is keep the secret conversation between one of their men and you, so broadcast it out loudly the first time it happens so they don't try it again.

 

But now you had a lot of work done and you knew you were going to get attention for this so know the difference between someone just commenting that you look good and someone hitting on you or being inappropriate.

[janellel]

Actually, preraph, I’ve already tried calling some of them out like that and embarrassing them, but that doesn’t seem to go well either. It makes a big scene, and afterwards everyone acts like I did it just to call attention to myself. Their bfs will also deny staring (even tho it’s sooo obvious) and then everyone looks at me like I’m full of myself.

 

For example, take the other day. We were hanging out at this guy’s house who had a pool, and some of us girls had our swimsuits on. Well, this one guy kept blatantly staring at me. I kept catching him staring for minutes at a time, practically drooling, and several times I caught him staring right at my breasts or my butt. Plus, he was making pretty suggestive comments, and all this right in front of his gf! It was really embarrassing for everyone, but at first I tried to play it “cool” and not say anything. However, I finally lost it at one point when I noticed him staring right at my ass as I was bending over, with his gf right at his side, and I shouted ‘omg, could you please stop looking at my ass!’. Everyone heard and he was really embarrassed, and after that he stop oogling me. But then for the rest of the night his gf, who is also a close friend of mine, started hating on me. She kept saying things like ‘you think you’re all that, don’t you?’ and she kept trying to “slut shame” me because I was wearing a small bikini. And it seemed that most of the people there (at least most of the girls) were on her side. I don’t even know if we’re friends anymore.

 

So, as you can see, simply “broadcasting” doesn’t appear to be the solution.

 

But now you had a lot of work done and you knew you were going to get attention for this so know the difference between someone just commenting that you look good and someone hitting on you or being inappropriate.

 

Yes, I understand that a simple compliment is not inappropriate. The problem is where do you draw the line? Some guys will keep complimenting me over and over and over and over, or they’ll be really crude about it and make specific comments about my legs, butt, or my breasts, which seems totally out of line to me, especially when they’re doing it right in front of their gfs! I mean, a compliment or two is fine, but I’ve had guys going on and on about how “perfect” my butt or my breasts are, and all while their gfs are right there, and that just seems incredibly inappropriate to me.

[salparadise]

 

All of my friends’ bfs started hitting on me! And I mean all of them! It really shocked me, even knowing how guys are, because I knew them and they were nice guys and we were all friends. I even noticed a certain pattern to it. It usually begins with constant staring and compliments. Then it progresses to outright drooling and commenting on specific body parts. Then, at some point they start getting touchy-feely, tickling me and stuff. And finally, they will outright proposition me, which sometimes descends into outright begging...

 

 

 

You must've selected the "come hither" look, as opposed to "girl next door," "church lady," or "resting birtch-face." If you have any friends remaining, send a group email informing them that, due to no fault of your own, you are now irresistible and ask them in the future to please curb their boyfriends... and for heaven's sake, hire an agent! The Kardashians won't know what hit'em.

[darkmoon]

why wear a "small bikini"? not just any bikini, or tankini, but a "small bikini"? no wonder your friends are dropping you given the chance

 

and where is your boyf?

 

who is the display for?

[janellel]

why wear a "small bikini"? not just any bikini, or tankini, but a "small bikini"? no wonder your friends are dropping you given the chance

 

and where is your boyf?

 

who is the display for?

 

The swimsuit was not that inappropriate for a party. It was far from full coverage, but it was not a thong.

 

I have a bf, but he was not there at the time.

 

The "display" is not for anybody. It's for myself. I look good now and I see nothing wrong with dressing more confidently. And I don't think how I dress is an excuse for their poor behavior. A girl should be able to wear whatever she wants without having to worry about guys harassing her.

[preraph]

Look you're not going to come out of it unscathed when somebody's boyfriend is hitting on you right in front of them. The first instinct is to blame you and not their boyfriend which is sad. That does not make it wrong for you to call him out. You might also want to turn to her and say keep a leash on your boyfriend. Hopefully soon enough you'll have a boyfriend of your own and guys will not be as obvious about it. The women are understandably threatened because you had all this work done to be more attractive and they don't know what your boundaries and limitations are.

[basil67]

I have seen many hot women who don't get hit on by their friend's men. And certainly not to the level you describe. My guess is that you've managed to add a "Look At Me - I'm So Hot" attitude to go with your new body.

 

I imagine that if you drop the attitude, the guys will stop too.

[darkmoon]

The swimsuit was not that inappropriate for a party. It was far from full coverage, but it was not a thong.

 

I have a bf, but he was not there at the time.

 

The "display" is not for anybody. It's for myself. I look good now and I see nothing wrong with dressing more confidently. And I don't think how I dress is an excuse for their poor behavior. A girl should be able to wear whatever she wants without having to worry about guys harassing her.

 

if it is for yourself and only you, then you would only wear it when alone

 

it is not an "excuse" no, it is a reason

 

the "should be able to wear what she wants etc"? nobody is actually going along with this, and look where it has got you expecting them to, you are simply losing friends

[mrs rubble]

I have seen many hot women who don't get hit on by their friend's men. And certainly not to the level you describe. My guess is that you've managed to add a "Look At Me - I'm So Hot" attitude to go with your new body.

 

I imagine that if you drop the attitude, the guys will stop too.

Exactly what I was thinking. Why else would the guys call her a "tease"? Why else would her girlfriends not believe her or get mad?

[K.K.]

This thread has me bursting at the seams to know what you look like, girl. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have guys drooling over me like that, on their knees. Wow that would be so awesome! I'm happy for you that you've found confidence. I really am. It made me smile.

 

That being said, I don't even think I'm remotely as hot as you've described yourself to be and I still have had to downplay my assets sometimes just to be respectful of other women. I would hate for my boyfriend (if I had one) to be looking at you like that in front of me. It's human nature to feel that way, I think.

 

I wouldn't know but I imagine it's hard to be beautiful. Downplay that **** sometimes though, girl. You don't want to lose all your friends. Just my opinion though.

 

Congrats on the looks. Enjoy it while you can.

[preraph]

I don't know. Some men seem to think getting big boobs makes gawking at them open season. I think the problem is with the overall tenor of this group of friends just being a bit crass. So remember that old saying about The Company You Keep.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

So my question is, what is the proper way to handle this situation? Do you tell your friend what her bf is doing, and if so what is the best way to approach it?

 

I really need a solution here as all of my friends are starting to actually hate me, one by one.

 

So your friends already know. No need to figure out what to tell them. Just stop giving off the vibe that you're up for anything.

[janellel]

I can appreciate what some of you are saying, but I honestly can't see how I'm giving off the wrong vibe. I don't say anything to them or flirt with them. I even try not to look at them so I won't give a wrong impression. I just walk in the room and eventually they start hitting on me, one by one. I will usually just graciously say 'thank you' to their first compliment, and then I try to take the conversation elsewhere, but they always steer it back to the topic of my body and do I really like my bf.

 

I've come to the conclusion that that's just how men are. They see a hot chick and apparently then all their thinking is done with their penis. At least that's been my experience since getting cosmetic surgery. I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it other than perhaps dressing like a nun, or wearing a burka. I just can't understand why women have the tendency to blame the girl for it. I myself would blame my bf for his own actions.

[darkmoon]

blame? whose responsibility is it that you need to speak to strangers on a forum here? it is yours

 

I have big boobs, and I know men like them yada yada, but I cover up and/or wear a crappy bra in mixed company, imo, you are bringing this problem on yourself

Edited September 13, 2017 by darkmoon

[Doublegold]

I even try not to look at them so I won't give a wrong impression.

 

Girl, this isn't about your eyes, your breasts are looking at them. That is how it works. Women don't get fake boobs so men notice their eyes.......

 

How come your boyfriend is never around if you're so hot?

[basil67]

I can appreciate what some of you are saying, but I honestly can't see how I'm giving off the wrong vibe. I don't say anything to them or flirt with them. I even try not to look at them so I won't give a wrong impression. I just walk in the room and eventually they start hitting on me, one by one. I will usually just graciously say 'thank you' to their first compliment, and then I try to take the conversation elsewhere, but they always steer it back to the topic of my body and do I really like my bf.

 

I've come to the conclusion that that's just how men are. They see a hot chick and apparently then all their thinking is done with their penis. At least that's been my experience since getting cosmetic surgery. I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it other than perhaps dressing like a nun, or wearing a burka. I just can't understand why women have the tendency to blame the girl for it. I myself would blame my bf for his own actions.

 

This isn't just about eye contact or flirting. It's about 'working it'. It's the way you walk, the way you talk, your posture, a general attitude thing. You feel like you're hot stuff and it shows through your body language....and the guys pick up on it.

 

If you don't like the attention you're getting, then turn off the hot attitude.

[salparadise]

 

How come your boyfriend is never around if you're so hot?

 

 

 

In the hospital –– they're trying to figure out why he has a perma-erection and and has become uncontrollably, continuously orgasmic. Poor guy. And poor janellel. Imagine never being able to find a guy who can control himself long enough to get undressed and have intercourse. Can you imagine how that doctor feels for having created such a creature... like a God. Cleopatra is so yesterday now.

[amaysngrace]

They probably hit on you because they know external validation means a lot to you and are just being nice.

[knabe]

They probably hit on you because they know external validation means a lot to you and are just being nice.

 

I do wonder about this. I mean, I have no problem with plastic surgery. Heck, if thousands of dollars dropped out of the sky I might go for a smaller nose lol. But if you had several things done, then I would assume you want validation for your outward appearance (and no, that is not necessarily bad).

 

Compliments are one thing, but crude remarks are out of bounds.

 

I've had that happen maybe twice. I actually told the man that I was offended by what he said and that he should cut it out or I would b e speaking to my friend. He backed off.

 

And how can there be a he said she said with touching> If they go in for a tickle, say loudly, please stop tickling me.

 

I'd also have a talk with your girlfriends. Just tell them how upset you are that they seems to be pulling back and ask them if they see a vibe from you. They may be picking up on something you aren't aware of.

[janellel]

This isn't just about eye contact or flirting. It's about 'working it'. It's the way you walk, the way you talk, your posture, a general attitude thing. You feel like you're hot stuff and it shows through your body language....and the guys pick up on it.

 

If you don't like the attention you're getting, then turn off the hot attitude.

 

I get what you're saying, but I'd have no idea how to do that. I mean, how can you not have a "hot attitude" when guys are always hitting on you, and you know what you see in the mirror? So given the circumstances, I can't help but feel like I'm hot stuff. Wouldn't you feel the same way if guys were always hitting on you?

 

However, I do try to be humble and not let it get to my head. After all, looks are just temporary and in no way are a measure of your character or worth.

 

Compliments are one thing, but crude remarks are out of bounds.

 

I've had that happen maybe twice. I actually told the man that I was offended by what he said and that he should cut it out or I would b e speaking to my friend. He backed off.

 

That is exactly how I feel as well. I don't mind a compliment or two. In fact, I like them. When they first compliment me, I feel good about it, because of the "validation" as you put it.

 

But after the first gracious compliment or two, I notice them getting cruder and cruder, and I really start getting uncomfortable, particularly when their gfs are right there. I'm truly shocked that they would even have audacity to do that.

 

As far as talking to my friends is concerned, I have tried reconciling with them afterwards, but the results haven't been good. Once their bfs have hit on me, they seem to have such a consuming jealousy and hatred for me that it seems useless. But none of them have mentioned any "vibes". Usually, their main complaint is how I dress, which quickly descends to blatant "slut shaming".

[preraph]

Why don't you start loudly telling the men who do something inappropriate, "They're not for you!"