LotusAvx Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 I am getting really tired from dating, to the point where I think I want to give up, no matter how much I want a relationship. Every guy I meet, turns out he just wants sex. And I get it - guys want sex! But NO guy I meet actually wants a relationship eventually. And I say eventually because I don't put pressure or scare guys off. On multiple occasions, I meet a guy, have a few dates then sleep together. Then he stops talking to me. With 2 guys, they have found a girlfriend after I had briefly dated/slept with them. WHY do they get into a relationship after having slept with me? Why didn't they want to be in a relationship with me? I am starting to think I am not relationship material, and they sense that, which is why they just sleep with me then the next one that comes along, get serious with them. I do not know what I am doing wrong. My friend said I need to "make them for for it" - so don't sleep with them too soon. I don't think a few dates in is too soon, and the I have waited with people, and then they lose interest. I guess I just don't know exactly what is wrong and why I can't find someone who wants the same things as me, and more importantly, why these guys I see don't want me for a relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 How about: * Change the way you date, no more sex before exclusivity * Pick different men. If all the men you meet have the same behavior then you need to pick different type of men. 3
basil67 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 You make a thread a few months ago asking why you always choose bad guys or guys who haven't got their act together. There could be a connection between this and the short lived relationships.
Dis Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 This is all kind of a$$ backwards... You sleep with these guys on the second date but complain all they want is sex and then wonder why they take off??? Huh? People debate this all the time but IMO, many guys dont view women who sleep with them early on to be gf material Guys want some mystery, some build up and they also want a woman they know isnt going around sleeping with other guys on the 2nd date Solution: Screen these guys better. If they seem like they dont want a relationship, take them at their word and move on. If they do, dont sleep with them right away. No need to move so fast 5
Author LotusAvx Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 I can definitely screen them better. But I'm also sure I can make them wait, screen them and figure out what exactly they want, get to know them, sleep with them after an appropriate time (not rushing) and the same thing will happen. So how can you even be sure, that they won't just lie about what they want until they get what they want?
joseb Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I'm only a dating point of one, but the whole "make me wait" thing does nothing. If I'm attracted to a girl, I'll want to sleep with her fairly quickly. Whether I end up dating her for 10 years, 10 weeks or 10 hours depends on other stuff, but her not wanting to sleep with me definitely wont help. OP, maybe focus on the guys as per this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629090-why-do-i-go-worst-wrong-guys
NexttP Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 (edited) If I'm attracted to a girl, I'll want to sleep with her fairly quickly. Whether I end up dating her for 10 years, 10 weeks or 10 hours depends on other stuff, but her not wanting to sleep with me definitely wont help. So... does it depend on sex or not? A bit contradicting here. Sounds haughty to me. OP: If they demand sex early - you should not want them. If they can't stick around and wait - you should not want them. Basically you're just screening out people that you don't want to be with anyway. I don't see the problem. Unless you crave sex too (*gasp* - in this case, you can't complain for giving.... I mean, getting sex), but sex should not be used as a gateway, tool, or reward, ever. So how can you even be sure, that they won't just lie about what they want until they get what they want? no guy would wait that long just to have sex with one girl without actively sleeping with other girls. Basically, you'd find out that they're "cheating" on you while waiting. Make it exclusive, and check their trust. Edited September 13, 2017 by NexttP
joseb Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 So... does it depend on sex or not? A bit contradicting here. Sounds haughty to me. I'm just saying that if a girl sleeps with me quickly, it isn't going to put her into some "not a worthy gf" category, any more than a girl holding out will make her a really desirable girlfriend. 2
1fish2fish Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Have sex when YOU are ready. First date, 100th date, it's your decision. For me, there has to be a real connection first before I sleep with someone. Connection and exclusivity. My ex bf and I waited 2 months, and although he did express his attraction to me, he never pushed my boundaries. (He turned out to be a douche after all, but that's another story. ) And then I briefly hung out with someone else who made it obvious sex was all he wanted from the get go. Delete and block.
Zahara Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 (edited) You make a thread a few months ago asking why you always choose bad guys or guys who haven't got their act together. There could be a connection between this and the short lived relationships. OP, if this is your pattern, then something needs to change. Sex fogs the brain. We women, at least most of us -- our judgement is often clouded when we start having sex with a man. If you're always gravitating to bad boys, it would best for you to hold off on the sex and invest your time getting to know these men, with a strong boundary system intact and with a set of standards and values that you want and believe in. That comes from knowing what you truly deserve and believing in it. When your judgement is clouded, you tend to be blinded by the red flags and the probability that they're not right for you. What you're doing now is entertaining men that come along because you're desperate for a relationship. Most times these guys can smell your neediness a mile away. And when they know this, they'll use it. And I'm sure in your head: men want sex, so if I give them sex, they'll want me. No. Most can easily compartmentalize sex from emotion/attachment. If you've been on this train too long, you need to take a break from dating. Maybe this is an indication that you need to look inward first. When you date because you're eager to have someone, you're going to make bad decisions and choices. The desperation blinds you. When you date because a partner is now a bonus to your already contented life, then you're going to take your time, you're going to be selective, you're going to work within your boundaries and you're going to seek true compatibility. Granted it's still a risk, but you won't be settling for these clowns because you're trying too hard to secure love. Edited September 13, 2017 by Zahara 1
stillafool Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I can definitely screen them better. But I'm also sure I can make them wait, screen them and figure out what exactly they want, get to know them, sleep with them after an appropriate time (not rushing) and the same thing will happen. So how can you even be sure, that they won't just lie about what they want until they get what they want? Don't give them sex until they commit to a relationship. Having sex after 2-3 dates is too soon. You don't even know them in that time. So what if they stop dating you because you won't have sex with them, that just means the are not the right guy for you anyway. You will never land a true boyfriend if you use sex to make the connection. 3
Dis Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I can definitely screen them better. But I'm also sure I can make them wait, screen them and figure out what exactly they want, get to know them, sleep with them after an appropriate time (not rushing) and the same thing will happen. So how can you even be sure, that they won't just lie about what they want until they get what they want? You can't guarantee anything. If you're going to date, you need to do so knowing you'll be fine even if the guy does take off. If you're not secure enough to do that, you shouldnt be dating I always wait until I'm exclusive with a guy and until I'm comfortable enough to have sex. That doesnt guarantee me a lasting relationship, but it does garentee I've done my best to screen the guys I date and havent put myself in a position to feel used or uncomfortable 1
Mike B. Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I have found almost no correlation between a woman who sleeps with me quickly vs one that makes me wait. On the contrary, the one who tends to make me wait are usually more trouble in the end. It almost as if they are not making me wait naturally but using it more as a tactic more often than not. If a woman and I are strongly attracted to each other to the point we are having sex together rather quickly, then I see that as more romantic than anything. I don't look down on her for having sex with me soon. It's actually a nice ego boost. Someone who makes me wait won't win any special points for making me wait. They can still be a bad person and are often frustrating. I can honestly say that I have never heard a man in the last 20 years or so speak negatively about a woman who slept with them quickly. It was more of a complaint with inexperienced boys (teens). As we mature, we understand sexual relations much better.
Pumpkin008 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 OP, people will have different opinions but I personally feel that "a few dates" IS too soon to sleep with someone. Of course they want sex. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, it is up to you to put the brakes on that. It sounds like what you are currently doing is not working for you. So why not try something different? Take sex off the table and wait until say, 3 months of dating. If you don't plan to sleep with someone right away, it is find to tell them. You don't have to give your exact timeline but just let them know it is not an option for now. It will be easy to weed out the ones that are only interested in sex after they learn it is not happening up front.
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Do some reading....find out what men really look for when looking for a serious relationship.
stillafool Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I have found almost no correlation between a woman who sleeps with me quickly vs one that makes me wait. On the contrary, the one who tends to make me wait are usually more trouble in the end. It almost as if they are not making me wait naturally but using it more as a tactic more often than not. If a woman and I are strongly attracted to each other to the point we are having sex together rather quickly, then I see that as more romantic than anything. I don't look down on her for having sex with me soon. It's actually a nice ego boost. Someone who makes me wait won't win any special points for making me wait. They can still be a bad person and are often frustrating. I can honestly say that I have never heard a man in the last 20 years or so speak negatively about a woman who slept with them quickly. It was more of a complaint with inexperienced boys (teens). As we mature, we understand sexual relations much better. Having sex with a guy is no problem if the girl can handle sex without commitment. A lot of girls tend to have sex very soon and then fall for the guy before they know if the guy feels the same way. These girls end up anxious and start to obsess if the guy really wants her or was just with her for the sex. That is what is happening in this thread. I imagine most men would appreciate getting sex right away but some women just can't handle their emotions afterward. 1
The Urbanyst Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 (edited) OP.. stop dating men out of your league lol. That's what happens and that is the ONLY thing you are doing wrong. Trust me. There are a lot of women I would sleep with but never date just because they are not attractive enough. Doesn't matter how they act or what they do, I will never date them. Only sex. You have to date a less attractive man who will feel lucky to have you. Attractive men with options will exercise them. Probably not the answer you wanted but its the truth. Dating is all about supply and demand. Edited September 13, 2017 by The Urbanyst
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