I seek pain and abuse. I am a masochist.

[Swiftone1980]

I can greatly use this community's help. I have tried to understand my situation myself and I feel lost and sometimes hopeless. Talking to people I know in real life is pointless because they can't help honestly. And going to a therapist is just as pointless as well in really grasping what the truth is. So I hope I can get some good honest feedback, regardless of how brutal it may be.

 

I have been seeing a woman for a couple years now in a friends with benefits relationship. While there is a lot of passion between us, and the sex is amazing, complications on both sides prevent commitment between us. We are very opposite of each other and I think that is part of why there is the draw and this creates an intense emotional connection - sort of like forbidden fruit. One main problem that I do not understand is that I feel like my conscious mind gets locked into wanting to treat her like a girlfriend and her to treat me as her boyfriend, although we keep telling ourselves this is not the case. We do most all the things that label entails, and although there is no actual commitment it feels as if there is an unspoken one.

 

I feel as if there are two parts to me/this connection that are locked in never ending conflict. One side seeks to embrace this connection and let it consume me, to where I am obsessed with the excitement it brings me. The other side seeks to escape and has been determined to do so over a dozen times, only to later convince myself that is the last thing I want and that the effort is hopeless.

 

I have no desire to commit to her at all when I think rationally. She works as a pro-dominatrix (which is how we met), was formerly an escort, has lied compulsively, and has been with other men even though there wasn't a commitment that said she couldn't be - yet she tried to hide it from me. Our conditions for seeing others was just that we tell each other. One such person is her ex bf, who she had sex with twice but didn't tell me about it until I pressed her for information. She has also crossed the line with clients (as she has with me of course) but she tried to hide that too until I found out later what had happened. She has many emotional problems as well, and serious anger issues. All of this makes for a woman not worthy of my commitment and my reasonable and logical side tells me this, especially when I am determined to end things.

 

However my emotional side is a different story all together. When I feel close to her sexually, I tend to want to possess and control her yet at the same time I seek loss of control and wish to surrender it to her. If this seems like a paradox, it is. When we spend time together, I find myself unable to keep things casual between us, as does she. I begin referring to her as pet names, spending far too much time together, having long conversations, and helping her out in many ways as well as smothering her with attention. We kiss warmly, cuddle, tell each other we love each other and miss each other. We both are very attached, yet we are just "friends with benefits" or so we say. As things progress this way, we both begin feeling expectations and thinking about there being something more. For her, it seems to be about jealously and controlling any sexual activity outside of her. Even though she says she is fine with it, the mere mention of any woman I flirted with or am interested in is met with aggression, usually passive, coming out in a bad way later where she brings it up in a fight. When these fights are over, she never apologizes fully and I don't think she knows how to so I have given up expecting it. For me, it seems to be more about getting her to submit to me, and turn her into a good woman that I can have something more with. She hates that I do this, and strangely enough I do as well.

 

When I find myself trying to get her to submit or welcoming the good behavior I claim to want, strangely enough, it turns me off and I end up shutting down, pushing her away, and ultimately causing a huge fight. It is either that she is not meeting my expectations and I grow frustrated, or more than likely, I don't want that at all.

 

As much as I claim to her that I want her to submit I really do not, and she knows this. When I think of her sessioning and dominating other men, it makes me want her more and I feel sexually competitive. The first time she told me she hooked up and had sex with her ex bf, I was surprised but within less than an hour we were having passionate sex. The second time she did it just recently, and she tried to hide it from me, it was the same reaction. Except now I am even more aroused by the thought of her being sexually active with others and being somewhat secretive about it. Since she lies so often, my mind wanders more, especially now, wondering how often this has happened, as even when she tells the "truth" it is only small parts of it.

 

I have told her only recently that this behavior actually turns me on and that I am alright with it, even though it does hurt me in some way I don't understand. I only recently realized this is what has caused the pull, and have accepted it as part of me. She hasn't said much about it and has remained pretty vague about the many events that happened and her intentions in the future as relates to dating others or when. As crazy as it sounds, I want nothing more than her to go on a date and become sexually invested in someone else as soon as possible. The thought of her doing it often and rubbing it in my face arouses me greatly. It causes me to want her so badly, I can hardly contain myself.

 

Any time she begins to show her sweet side, expresses her love, and is available, I lose interest. But when she is unreachable, or difficult my interest increases. I know this push/pull effect is common to most relationships, but it seems more intense here. I not only desire it, but I suppose I really want to be hurt and abused. I want to text or call her and for her to tell me that she doesn't have time for a loser like me because she is on a date. When she speaks to me, I like when she is completely bitchy and flaunts this in my face. I want her to ignore me, and to have chase her wondering if she is having sex after this date, only for her to tell me yes while laughing in my face about it like a bitch then forcing me to worship her feet and cater to her every wish like a princess. But then I want her to come back, just enough to where I know I will be safe and not completely lose her. I genuinely do feel as if I am unworthy of her, and that she is a princess, even though I am well put together, have a good career and can seek out better. I find comfort in this abuse and the thought of anything else seems boring to me.

 

This is probably insane and impossible, but it is what I want nonetheless. I haven't fully expressed it to her, just in a general sense, but I am considering doing so in great detail and can use any advice anyone has to offer.

 

I just don't know what is really going on here and don't understand why I want this. Can anyone help and and tell me why I keep doing this and what is wrong with me? What would make a fairly successful middle aged man with options choose to commit loyally to a former escort who is sexually promiscous, a liar, a hypocrite and abusive? Why do I want to be at her feet worshipping her only after she takes me for granted, hooks up with other men and treats me like garbage, yet be completely turned off by the times when she treats me well and behaves sweet to me. Besides the sex, there has to be something more going on here. I just don't know how to communicate this to her and end up getting more of what I truly want.

[RecentChange]

Well it does all sound pretty dysfunctional and co-dependant.

 

And beyond that, a bit of a cuckold fetish thrown in.

 

Maybe you could gain some perspective by reading up on the psychological reasons for a cuck fetish. It often has to do with the highs of emotion that lust, jealously, control and the lack thereof illicit.

 

What I will warn..... Chasing emotional highs (which can come in the form of lows! - very strong emotional response) can be as addictive as any drug.

 

And like an addict, often the "high" doesn't last, and more extreme means are sought to seek the high again.

 

So - you can keep this dynamic and even ramp it up, or you can attempt to seek some clarity as to why you chase these emotions, and take a hard look at what effects this relationship could have on other aspects of your life.

 

Are these emotions, and this relationship a distraction from asking yourself harder questions? Do they allow you to escape even more unpleasant thoughts?