katie949 Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 Ok, so long story short, there's a guy who I hooked up with, and who made an effort (I say that because he has a ridiculously crazy work schedule) to see me after that, and to reply to my messages. For a few months, I've been working in a cafe which is close to his work's office - I've been a regular customer there before we even met this year. He doesn't really like coffee and NEVER goes in it, at least, I've never seen him in there in all the days I've been there since 3 months ago. The thing I'm super worried about, and I'll explain why quickly below, is that he might think I'm 'stalking' him, or hoping to engineer a meeting with him at least. Here's why: - We've bumped into each other several times near to the train station in the city centre (because it's quite close to my cafe) over the period of a month. - And (here's the bit I'm worried about) yesterday I was sitting in the cafe with my laptop, and I noticed this guy outside (he didn't see me) out of the corner of my eye. So I kept my head firmly down, glancing down into my phone. Someone walked into the cafe and went straight over to the counter (it was this guy, clearly). I don't whether he noticed me or not (I had my head turned!), but I'm worried that if he did notice me, he ignored me.....and if he did ignore me, well, that wouldn't really be very good...
Lobouspo Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 You basically want to know how this guy feels about you. It sounds like you like him, or you wouldn't be posting on here about something rather trivial. Only way to know is to reach out to him, and tell him how you feel. Your answer will be found there in that simple step, not on a relationship forum. If he likes you and is interested in further contact, you will know. If not, billions more on planet earth to pursue. The ball is in your court OP, good luck! 1
Author katie949 Posted September 12, 2017 Author Posted September 12, 2017 You basically want to know how this guy feels about you. It sounds like you like him, or you wouldn't be posting on here about something rather trivial. Yes, that's right, and thank you for your response. The thing is, our first meeting was supposed to be him giving me career advice, then he turned it into a date, and flirted heavily....He then told me he'd be in touch the next week (and he was), and we've seen each other about three times. His last message said this, and I don't know whether to interpret that as 'we'll see eachothre' or 'I can't be bothered, and this is my polite excuse'. "Hey there, I hope (and expect) your dissertation [for my degree] has turned out well. Please pardon the delayed response--the last fortnight has been cruelly busy, and I'm afraid the next one is no different, after which I am taking some (much-needed) time off! That said, I wouldn't be surprised if we bump into each other somewhere in the city centre in the meantime!" How does it sound to you?
coolheadal Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 Yes, that's right, and thank you for your response. The thing is, our first meeting was supposed to be him giving me career advice, then he turned it into a date, and flirted heavily....He then told me he'd be in touch the next week (and he was), and we've seen each other about three times. His last message said this, and I don't know whether to interpret that as 'we'll see eachothre' or 'I can't be bothered, and this is my polite excuse'. "Hey there, I hope (and expect) your dissertation [for my degree] has turned out well. Please pardon the delayed response--the last fortnight has been cruelly busy, and I'm afraid the next one is no different, after which I am taking some (much-needed) time off! That said, I wouldn't be surprised if we bump into each other somewhere in the city centre in the meantime!" How does it sound to you? By chance meeting that's all this is.. If something else happens well then good luck!
olivetree Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 Yes, that's right, and thank you for your response. The thing is, our first meeting was supposed to be him giving me career advice, then he turned it into a date, and flirted heavily....He then told me he'd be in touch the next week (and he was), and we've seen each other about three times. His last message said this, and I don't know whether to interpret that as 'we'll see eachothre' or 'I can't be bothered, and this is my polite excuse'. "Hey there, I hope (and expect) your dissertation [for my degree] has turned out well. Please pardon the delayed response--the last fortnight has been cruelly busy, and I'm afraid the next one is no different, after which I am taking some (much-needed) time off! That said, I wouldn't be surprised if we bump into each other somewhere in the city centre in the meantime!" How does it sound to you? It's a polite excuse. When people are too busy for you, they are simply not prioritizing seeing you. When a man is interested, you won't have to guess. It will be clear. 5
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 When you said you were working in the café near his office I did not understand how you could even potentially be viewed as stalking him. I thought you meant you were employed by the café, in which case you had to be there, not stalking at all. What you are actually doing is working remotely from that café. If you have no other reason to be in that neighborhood yes, I could see how he would think you chose that café just because it was near his office. His message to you was polite but certainly didn't evidence a desire to schedule another date. He is open to happenstance, hooking up at best, but he's not making an effort to arrange another date. Men who are into women, ask them on dates. They are not vague. They don't wait around. They make their own opportunities. Even if he was being coy, he could have offered to meet up again to discuss your dissertation. Is he the type that is generally observant, he probably knew you were in the café On the one hand he could have ignored you on purpose but since you were hiding in your phone & studiously ignoring him you may have given him the impression that you are not interested. A smile would have been your better move. If you are in to playing cat & mouse, you reach out & try to schedule another get together. Otherwise assume the man has low interest & act accordingly.
Versacehottie Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 Well his response is seemingly a "not interested" response (at least at the moment). As for the stalking, it's your city as much as it is his. Own your space. In each of the cases of seeing him that you mentioned, you had as much right to be where you were as he did. Steel up your confidence and own it. If you do see him again, and it's within a reasonable range of distance, say hi. That is confident. You have nothing to be ashamed of and it can reset whatever you are to each other. Or at least give you momentum for other guys. good luck 3
act00 Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 I'm not sure if his response is fully uninterested or not. He's busy and this can pose a problem with getting together...BUT...he clearly states he's taking a break and you are not part of it...but maybe you'll run into each other, which is rather encouraging...so it is a bit confusing, but this could be a way to "let you down gently." It's a bit confusing, but I think that the arrow is pointed more in the direction of not interested. Stalking -- you are suddenly around a lot. Pure happenstance, but could be perceived as planned and contrived on your part. To be honest, I doubt he notices. I work with a woman who is constantly complaining about men staring at her and oogling, and I just haven't seen it. Guy #1 found a new job...so that was over...and then she started complaining about guy #2, who has since seemed to drop off her radar, and now there's a new one...and I'm thinking she's misconstruing normal behavior to ogling and being hit on. Men don't notice these nuances. If he didn't see and acknowledge you at the coffee shop, I'm inclined to think he didn't notice, but you buried yourself in your phone, so on that same note, if he recognized you, and you were quickly burying yourself in "something else," it could have been a clear signal to stay away...do not approach, wave, or engage in any manner. You've gone out a few times, and one would assume some communication, in which case, it could be explained your new job and life circumstances have changed and takes you into his area more often, but it doesn't sound like you really talk that much, so he doesn't know you now work in the area. I also thought you worked at this coffee shop. As it turns out, you're just hanging out there. You have frequented this shop for years. Just own it. If he thinks you're creepy and weird, you can't control that. If you were communicating at all, he would know this. My thought is to just say hello or wave when you see him and not go to great lengths to ignore and avoid as if you're not allowed to be on that platform or in that coffee shop or at the grocery store...if it is merely circumstance, you have nothing to be worried or ashamed of...you're there for the train or to buy some bananas. You don't need to reorganize your life over this. No more, no less. He may ignore you. He may exchange pleasantries but clearly is no longer interested. He may not be sure where you stand and is feeling you out. I would just say, treat him in a professional and friendly manner. He's someone who works in your field (I think) and not behaving like a petulant child because your relationship didn't go as planned will benefit you...you behave maturely and in a friendly manner, and you have every right to be in this public place as him, and it's always good to keep a few people around who can help you out and vouch for you at some point. At this point, I'm thinking non-interested or just too busy to pursue something serious. Go about your life. If you see him, and he sees you, acknowledge, say "hi," and go about your business. 1
preraph Posted September 12, 2017 Posted September 12, 2017 He can't be very interested or he'd have contacted you before now. 1
Author katie949 Posted September 13, 2017 Author Posted September 13, 2017 I'm not sure if his response is fully uninterested or not. He's busy and this can pose a problem with getting together...BUT...he clearly states he's taking a break and you are not part of it...but maybe you'll run into each other, which is rather encouraging...so it is a bit confusing, but this could be a way to "let you down gently." It's a bit confusing, but I think that the arrow is pointed more in the direction of not interested. He is incredibly busy, and the schedule he has is variable, i.e. a case can unexpectedly go to trial, or new documents can be sent to read....He has 150 emails everyday, and around half need to be replied to (in some detail!). He could just ignore my messages - I don't continually contact him, I send one message and then leave it. It is confusing, I agree, because some of the things he has said to me when he sees me (in person) suggest that he wants to date (i.e. 'next time, we'll...'; 'I might have some free time next week...') So it's difficult. Maybe people on here are reading too much into his email? The last time he arranged a meeting, he literally had to find the only hour he was free, and he hadn't had time to eat lunch!
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 If they hardly have any time to have a date with you, why would you want a relationship with someone who can hardly find the time to see you in the first place????????? Does that make any sense to you?????? 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Yes, that's right, and thank you for your response. The thing is, our first meeting was supposed to be him giving me career advice, then he turned it into a date, and flirted heavily....He then told me he'd be in touch the next week (and he was), and we've seen each other about three times. His last message said this, and I don't know whether to interpret that as 'we'll see eachothre' or 'I can't be bothered, and this is my polite excuse'. "Hey there, I hope (and expect) your dissertation [for my degree] has turned out well. Please pardon the delayed response--the last fortnight has been cruelly busy, and I'm afraid the next one is no different, after which I am taking some (much-needed) time off! That said, I wouldn't be surprised if we bump into each other somewhere in the city centre in the meantime!" How does it sound to you? Maybe HE is stalking YOU. 2
stillafool Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 He is incredibly busy, and the schedule he has is variable, i.e. a case can unexpectedly go to trial, or new documents can be sent to read....He has 150 emails everyday, and around half need to be replied to (in some detail!). He could just ignore my messages - I don't continually contact him, I send one message and then leave it. It is confusing, I agree, because some of the things he has said to me when he sees me (in person) suggest that he wants to date (i.e. 'next time, we'll...'; 'I might have some free time next week...') So it's difficult. Maybe people on here are reading too much into his email? The last time he arranged a meeting, he literally had to find the only hour he was free, and he hadn't had time to eat lunch! I've dated attorneys who worked for large firms as well as their own and were swamped with work. They always made time to call and schedule a date. When a woman is on a man's mind he will act on it.
kendahke Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Yes, that's right, and thank you for your response. The thing is, our first meeting was supposed to be him giving me career advice, then he turned it into a date, and flirted heavily....He then told me he'd be in touch the next week (and he was), and we've seen each other about three times. His last message said this, and I don't know whether to interpret that as 'we'll see eachothre' or 'I can't be bothered, and this is my polite excuse'. "Hey there, I hope (and expect) your dissertation [for my degree] has turned out well. Please pardon the delayed response--the last fortnight has been cruelly busy, and I'm afraid the next one is no different, after which I am taking some (much-needed) time off! That said, I wouldn't be surprised if we bump into each other somewhere in the city centre in the meantime!" How does it sound to you? It sounds like he might see you only as someone from whom he sought professional advice. That things got more familiar didn't deter him from the notion that he sought you out for professional services and you've accomplished that. He may either not see you that way or is too embarrassed and felt he made a fool out of himself for letting himself go as far as he did with the flirting. I'd say to him "Meet me at the cafe on (date) at (time) (after this hellish week he's having) and let's pick up where we left off", and make some reference to a flirt he sent your way last time you saw him. If he ignores your message or says "ah, yeah, gee I'm a bit busy..." then he's not interested and you can go on about your life in that fabulous city for you will have your answer sans aucun doute.
Author katie949 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 Maybe HE is stalking YOU. Haha, that made me laugh! I think it's just a case of coincidence. 1
Author katie949 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 It sounds like he might see you only as someone from whom he sought professional advice. . Erm, he literally asked me to go back to his place the first time we met (we had drinks in the evening)...
Author katie949 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 I've dated attorneys who worked for large firms as well as their own and were swamped with work. They always made time to call and schedule a date. When a woman is on a man's mind he will act on it. I take your point. I'm in the UK though - we don't have 'attorneys', but barristers who are self-employed...They choose how much work they do, and which cases they do/don't take on. Obviously, the more you take, the more money you'll make.... This guy literally does take on everything he's offered....I think, maybe, he just likes occasional hook-ups with women, and doesn't want a relaitonship.
O'Malley Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 It sounds like he enjoyed being with you in the moment, but he's back to his regular life. When someone doesn't have the same level of interest as you it will sting a bit but don't waste your time overthinking about someone who's unavailable. No need to feel awkward around him in public - you're not staking out his home or sending him thousands of texts. Let him see the best of you if you do run into each other but redirect your focus towards meeting other men. 2
stillafool Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I take your point. I'm in the UK though - we don't have 'attorneys', but barristers who are self-employed...They choose how much work they do, and which cases they do/don't take on. Obviously, the more you take, the more money you'll make.... This guy literally does take on everything he's offered....I think, maybe, he just likes occasional hook-ups with women, and doesn't want a relaitonship. This is all the more reason why he would make time for you if he were interested. Attorneys I dated worked for a firm and had no choice in how much work they were given to do which made dating even harder for them but they still made time. If you are okay with how he treats you there is nothing anyone here can say. 1
kendahke Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 Erm, he literally asked me to go back to his place the first time we met (we had drinks in the evening)... Erm, you two had been drinking, which loosens up inhibitions. Once he was sober in the cold light of day, he decided against going further.
Versacehottie Posted September 14, 2017 Posted September 14, 2017 I take your point. I'm in the UK though - we don't have 'attorneys', but barristers who are self-employed...They choose how much work they do, and which cases they do/don't take on. Obviously, the more you take, the more money you'll make.... This guy literally does take on everything he's offered....I think, maybe, he just likes occasional hook-ups with women, and doesn't want a relaitonship. I think that's probably what's going on. It's not a priority for him right now. He can't really "consider" you if he's not planning on dating, right? So definitely don't take it personally. And it will be fine if you keep running into him (always have confidence!! there's nothing to be ashamed of & you never know when it can turn). Plus he's likely going to be kicking himself for not really giving himself a chance if you keep bumping into each other and there you are on top of the world. If you guys live in London, in close neighborhoods, that's how it is and it's normal, same with other walking cities. I live in LA where you almost never run into people because everyone drives most places--and i once ran into an ex-bf with his new gf at the airport LAX which is huge and unlikely. I had broken it off with him and just talked to both of them with confidence and friendliness (even though in my head I was like "why am I running into this person!!") and I could tell he was miserable and that I came off as the one who got away (confirmed when he calls and tells me so!). Anyway, we are still friendly; that gf lasted just a short time and he'd take me back in a second if it was an option because mainly because I act confident around him. Trust me, I wanted to run and hide when I saw him at the airport but it's good to face things head on and I figured (and know) it's more embarrassing to have been seen and run away like you are ashamed or feeling "less than". In your case, there is nothing to feel "less than" about. Good luck! 1
Author katie949 Posted September 14, 2017 Author Posted September 14, 2017 Erm, you two had been drinking, which loosens up inhibitions. Once he was sober in the cold light of day, he decided against going further. We'd had one glass of wine!
Recommended Posts