When someone isn't ready

[SpecialJ]

So I'm not asking for advice here, but I thought it might be interesting to share experiences of how "I'm not ready for a relationship" panned out for you (whether you said it or your partner said it). Was it true? Just an excuse to make the break up softer? Did you stay friends? Go no contact until the person was ready?

 

It's happened to me twice. One is in progress, and I'm not very impressed with it. I've agreed to see if we can be friends, because I do think he's actually being honest -- that he really, really likes me and we have astonishing chemistry, but has issues he wants to handle alone first and he doesn't know how long that will take. I agreed to friendship because that means he's not the right person for me (we're too old for this level of being wishy-washy). Not wanting to figure out a way to give things a real go with me as he works on himself has been really off-putting and seemingly immature, so my feelings are fading off, which may be followed by my contact doing the same. He's also been inconsistent about contact since ending things, though he has been putting in (a little) effort to keep me in his life as a friend.

 

The other time it happened was the first time I had such an indecisive guy situation so I didn't handle it the best way. He wasn't ready but he also didn't state he had these kinds of strong feelings for me. We tried being friends, and it was messy, we acted like we were dating, we hooked up again a couple times, he said he was really afraid he'd never meet anyone else like me (but not ME, I noticed), and I wondered if I should have gone no contact. We eventually smoothed things out enough to be friends, as we were both dedicated to getting there, but he was not relationship "ready" for another year and a half. Then, after making lots of major life changes but not actually changing all that much, he met someone else and fell into a serious relationship. He's been a decent friend, but now that I see him as a partner to someone else, I still don't think he's giving his all to her... I wouldn't have been happy in that situation, and hindsight shows I dodged a bullet -- no contact or not wouldn't have mattered in regards to salvaging a romantic relationship (and though it wouldn't have taken me as long to really move on romantically, we may not have ultimately stayed friends if we didn't keep in touch).

 

I haven't been ready a couple times and was self-aware and honest when I said it. The first time I was really young and dating someone I shouldn't have stayed with, and I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to break it off and give it a go with a classmate. It took about 7 months for the classmate and I to get together, but we were friends during that time and he waited. The second time, there were long-distance issues and we were on and off for years, and he finally said he was walking away. That scared me into getting myself together, and I completely 180ed and was ready. Except without the distance obstacle, it turned out he just wanted something casual. Both those guys broke my heart.

 

Not the most uplifting stories, but those are my experiences. What are yours?

 

-J

[d0nnivain]

I only said it once. I was about 16 & a junior in HS. I was dating a 19 year old college sophomore. Maturity wise we were probably pretty closely matched; but he was miles ahead of my in life & sexual experiences. He pushed. I tried to get him to back off. Finally I said I'm not ready for this.

 

 

A few years later when I was about 19, I dated another guy (22) who was really pushing for sex. I explained I was a virgin. He told me I wasn't ready for a mature relationship & broke up with me. He wasn't a complete jerk about it, but he did say he didn't want to wait around for something that might not happen and he didn't want me to regret my decision.

 

 

Right before I met my husband I went on a date with a guy who had just ended a 10+ year living together relationship. I had ended a similarly long relationship about two years earlier. On our 2nd date, where the guy talked all about his EX -- he basically used me as a therapist-- I told him he wasn't ready for a relationship & wished him well. He didn't seem too broken up & essentially acknowledged that I was right.