Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

[StormyEyes]

I need some advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months this time around (we dated for 9 months previously but broke up when he deployed with the Navy). He basically lives with me (but has a space on the ship). He's very nice, we get along well, rarely argue, have fun together, etc. I care for him deeply and want the best for him but am not in love with him. I don't see a future with him. We are at very different points in our lives (he is in his early 30s, me in my early 40s). He is going through a difficult time right now, recently diagnosed with depression, trying new meds. I feel like I have to stay with him through this, but I don't want to.

 

I like being single. I am better single. I get lost in relationships. This one crept up on me. It sounds so cliche to say "it's me, not you", but it really is me. He thinks he is very much in love with me, though I think he is more in love with being in a relationship with someone who is actually kind (his ex was less than nice).

 

Any advice on how to proceed? I don't want to get to a year and have him start talking about the future. I don't want him to feel like he wasted his time with me. I've said a few times that our life paths are different, he used to agree, now he says people change. I haven't changed. I don't want to kick him out of the house suddenly. Is there a way to break up slowly?

 

If you need more info, please ask. I am happy to share.

 

Thank you!

[Frostedflake]

As prior Navy I'm going to point out that it's odd that he still lives on the ship in his 30's..

Generally, they'll put you in bachelor housing/barracks. Living on the ship is only for the seamen (E-4 and below), the new guys.

And being prescribed mood stabilizers will get you off the ship in a heartbeat. They do not allow it. So keep in mind that he may not have this career for long.

 

Not that the depression is his fault.

But with the living situation consider- is this guy mature enough to have that conversation about the future?

[StormyEyes]

I am aware the mood stabilizers put him at risk for being medically discharged, as is he, but there was no option. At this point, they aren't looking to bring him before a medical board. He is bright and excels at his job, leadership, and volunteer activities.

 

I don't know if he is mature enough to have a difficult conversation. He tends to run away when we have disagreements. This is why I need help. How do I say it's not you, it's me, in a believable way?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am aware the mood stabilizers put him at risk for being medically discharged, as is he, but there was no option. At this point, they aren't looking to bring him before a medical board. He is bright and excels at his job, leadership, and volunteer activities.

 

I don't know if he is mature enough to have a difficult conversation. He tends to run away when we have disagreements. This is why I need help. How do I say it's not you, it's me, in a believable way?

 

Breaking up with somebody sucks so bad . I'd just say don't tell him how he feels (i.e. being in love with a relationship with someone kind), but instead just keep it simple and tell him you've discovered you're happier being single. Sorry you're in this position; not fun at all .

[StormyEyes]

Breaking up with somebody sucks so bad . I'd just say don't tell him how he feels (i.e. being in love with a relationship with someone kind), but instead just keep it simple and tell him you've discovered you're happier being single. Sorry you're in this position; not fun at all .

 

It is hard. I feel horrible and I haven't even said anything to him yet. But it has to be done. I think I will start with a talk about the future, kind of ease my way in to it. Thanks for replying.

[SevenCity]

Breaking up with somebody sucks so bad . I'd just say don't tell him how he feels (i.e. being in love with a relationship with someone kind), but instead just keep it simple and tell him you've discovered you're happier being single. Sorry you're in this position; not fun at all .

 

It's even less fun to get dumped.

 

I've felt bad for dumping some women but I didn't let that overshadow they felt much much worse.

[StormyEyes]

It's even less fun to get dumped.

 

I've felt bad for dumping some women but I didn't let that overshadow they felt much much worse.

 

I've always been stuck being the dumper, I imagine being on the other end is awful too. Last time was easier, there were clear, solid reasons for ending the relationship. This time it is basically me, and the guilt is killing me.

[ToGoFruit]

It sounds like you've attempted to have the conversation of two people going their separate ways, but it hasn't really gone deeper than that? This is a challenging one, because of his deployment throughout the year, but I would say dragging this out could be more detrimental to both of you. It also sounds like he's in a fragile state of mind--I would spend some time thinking about how you would frame and verbalize your decision as to not deepen his depression. But, I also think it's important to not base your relationship with him off of guilt; this results in another layer of complication. Do you know any couples that are pretty strong in their relationship and/or have been together for a significant amount of time? If so, would you feel comfortable talking to them and discussing their perspective? It's possible they could speak some truth into why you believe you're better single or why you feel lost in relationships, as well as some fresh insight into your current relationship. Thanks for sharing--this is tough!

[tnt41]

I'm sure he was suffering from depression long before he was diagnosed with it. How he's doing on his meds, how they're adjusting his mood, when the best time to talk with him, etc. are not questions anyone can really answer on here. I think it would be wise to consult a professional on the subject. If you have increasing guilt over ending the relationship, having someone neutral to talk to might benefit you, anyway.

 

That said, most people know deep down when the other person checks out of the relationship... even if they don't say much about it. If you're not going to break up with him, it wouldn't hurt to have some sort of talk expressing at least some of where your head is at. If you choose to continue to be in a relationship with him at this time, you need to commit to it & communicate. Otherwise, what's even the point?

[StormyEyes]

It sounds like you've attempted to have the conversation of two people going their separate ways, but it hasn't really gone deeper than that? This is a challenging one, because of his deployment throughout the year, but I would say dragging this out could be more detrimental to both of you. It also sounds like he's in a fragile state of mind--I would spend some time thinking about how you would frame and verbalize your decision as to not deepen his depression. But, I also think it's important to not base your relationship with him off of guilt; this results in another layer of complication. Do you know any couples that are pretty strong in their relationship and/or have been together for a significant amount of time? If so, would you feel comfortable talking to them and discussing their perspective? It's possible they could speak some truth into why you believe you're better single or why you feel lost in relationships, as well as some fresh insight into your current relationship. Thanks for sharing--this is tough!

 

First, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I appreciate it.

 

I have attempted that conversation but it doesn't go far. He ended it saying that people change. He is aware of my reticence towards relationships. He makes comments here and there about me not being a relationship person, despite clearly being in one. He gets frustrated with my level of independence. These are not new issues, I've always been the stubborn, independent sort. I am also the kind who thinks it is her job to take care of people in need, which is why this is so hard. I go over and over the conversation in my head but it always ends in him being devastated.

 

I don't know many people in great relationships. They all seem to have their flaws. I was married for 12 years previously, so I am used to the ebb and flow of LTRs and also know when it is time to let go. But I have trouble letting go. I worry too much about the other person to the point I disregard my own needs. I did therapy so I know my issues but overcoming them takes a conscious effort.

 

My current plan is to start a discussion about the future and what our goals are. Then gently ease in to the still going in different directions talk using I statements.

[StormyEyes]

I'm sure he was suffering from depression long before he was diagnosed with it. How he's doing on his meds, how they're adjusting his mood, when the best time to talk with him, etc. are not questions anyone can really answer on here. I think it would be wise to consult a professional on the subject. If you have increasing guilt over ending the relationship, having someone neutral to talk to might benefit you, anyway.

 

That said, most people know deep down when the other person checks out of the relationship... even if they don't say much about it. If you're not going to break up with him, it wouldn't hurt to have some sort of talk expressing at least some of where your head is at. If you choose to continue to be in a relationship with him at this time, you need to commit to it & communicate. Otherwise, what's even the point?

 

 

I know he has been suffering from depression for quite some time, I think most of this life. But seeking help for mental health issues is frowned on by his community. He has only been on the meds for about a week now. He isn't sleeping all day like he was, but he is still up a lot at night. His mood seems a bit edgier to me. He has made some snarky comments that I haven't heard him make before. I could probably make an appointment with my old therapist. He was a great guy who really helped me through my divorce.

 

I agree that most people do know when their partner has checked out. That is probably where the snarky comments are coming from. As I mentioned in my previous comment, I have a sort of plan to begin the talk. I need to stop putting someone else's needs above my own. It really is that simple, but very difficult for me at the same time.

[ToGoFruit]

You have a sensitive spirit to those in need--perhaps, even before they realize it themselves. However, that's the kind of spirit that must be handled delicately and with great awareness, for like you said, at a certain point you're sacrificing your own needs in a detrimental way. We've been created to love and care for others, but there is a balance. I would encourage you to spend more time thinking about what those healthy boundaries look like for this relationship. Are there any in play currently? Do you need to implement a few and what does that entail short term/long term?

 

Also, how is your own heart doing? From an introspective outlook, would you say it's in a healthy place? You don't need to post the answers to these if it's uncomfortable, they're questions that might need to be marinated on.

[Redhead14]

I need some advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months this time around (we dated for 9 months previously but broke up when he deployed with the Navy). He basically lives with me (but has a space on the ship). He's very nice, we get along well, rarely argue, have fun together, etc. I care for him deeply and want the best for him but am not in love with him. I don't see a future with him. We are at very different points in our lives (he is in his early 30s, me in my early 40s). He is going through a difficult time right now, recently diagnosed with depression, trying new meds. I feel like I have to stay with him through this, but I don't want to.

 

I like being single. I am better single. I get lost in relationships. This one crept up on me. It sounds so cliche to say "it's me, not you", but it really is me. He thinks he is very much in love with me, though I think he is more in love with being in a relationship with someone who is actually kind (his ex was less than nice).

 

Any advice on how to proceed? I don't want to get to a year and have him start talking about the future. I don't want him to feel like he wasted his time with me. I've said a few times that our life paths are different, he used to agree, now he says people change. I haven't changed. I don't want to kick him out of the house suddenly. Is there a way to break up slowly?

 

If you need more info, please ask. I am happy to share.

 

Thank you!

 

You aren't doing him or you any favors by staying by his side if you don't love him the way he should be loved. On top of that, staying with him because he's depressed, kinda makes you his nurse/counselor. That's not your job.

 

Tell him you two need to move on and wish him well.

[stockyoldfrump]

To be completely blunt:

 

You're being selfish. "Breaking up gradually" is basically leading someone on and prolonging their agony. The minute you start initiating weird conversations about the future, he's going to get a sense of what you might be thinking and will be spending tons of time trying to figure out ways of solving a problem that, in your mind, has no solution. This is not generous, this is cruel.

 

You're allowing yourself to be selfish by pretending that you're doing this for him rather than for yourself. The real agent at play here is your guilt and the difficulty you'll have with hurting someone who's been good to you and who loves you.

 

I get that that's hard, but like others have said - it's infinitely worse for him.

 

You're allowing yourself to indulge your own needs in the breakup by pretending it's what's best for him. It's not. It's not best to be broken up with gradually or to go through a number of faux-productive conversations, believe that problems have been addressed, and then keep running into "hurdles" that can't actually be negotiated because the other party has already made up his/her mind.

 

If you are trying to do what's easiest for you, which is to slowly acclimate yourself to a process that is scary rather than doing it quickly and conclusively, go for it. But know it's for you, not for him.

 

The best thing for him is for you to tell him very quickly, very matter of factly that you no longer love him, need to be alone, and are leaving the relationship. Yes, he'll be pissed. Yes, he'll be hurt. But, unfortunately, that's the price of your decision. He's going to be just as hurt and just as mad later, only he'll have endured weeks or months of confusion beforehand as a result of your indecisiveness. Every moment you delay is only extending his healing process.

 

You're never going to convince someone who loves you that things can't work. He's not going to magically come around to your point of view because you have sketchy conversations with him. He's going to fight harder, feel greater confusion, and ultimately be much more hurt.

 

If you actually care about him, then summon up the courage, do it quick and fast, and leave him be.

[MarvelFan1]

To echo what stockyoldfrump says, you really just need to get it done and out of the way, with surgical precision with the honest truth.

 

Speaking from experience, when I was in a relationship with someone, who I realised I no longer loved, I mulled over how to go about breaking up with her for weeks, trying to figure out how not hurt them and let them down gently, but there isn't a way. Your gonna hurt them and you'll feel guilty, and that's a fact, I've been there and still thought about it months later.

 

What will hurt more is being in a relationship that you don't want to be in, being miserable, pretending to love someone you don't, when you could both in the long run, end up finding someone who really wants you both.

 

I just tell myself I did it for the right reasons and I was honest. Sure it hurt her, but now she has a chance to find someone who really wants her, and it's better to end it when you know it isn't right, with honesty and respect, than with any hostility from resentment or cheating, for example, which would be worse.

 

I've stayed in relationships to please people and to not upset them, and believe me, it isn't worth being miserable to see them happy.

Edited September 17, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[stockyoldfrump]

 

I've stayed in relationships to please people and to not upset them, and believe me, it isn't worth being miserable to see them happy.

 

And they're not happy, because the minute you start having these types of conversations, they're already feeling insecure. In fact, I would bet that she's already betrayed her lack of comfort via distance/behavior/etc. and he's noticed and is feeling insecure. He's likely trying to make excuses or figure out how to address problems, but people can usually tell when you're checked out and can CERTAINLY tell if you start having conversations about stuff like this.

 

He's not happy...he's just hoping he can fix things. If you know he can't, then just have the decency to let him know so he can spend his time getting over you rather than fretting over you.

 

My last girlfriend, in all likelihood, stayed with me for at least a few weeks once she had decided she wanted out. I'm sure she thought she was doing me a favor, but I could immediately tell that she was being distant, avoidant, indecisive, etc. She'd try to finesse conversations by giving answers that were non-committal but didn't explicitly articulate her feelings. I noticed all of it, was nervous, and was just making excuses to myself and trying to double down on my attentiveness in hopes of tightening up the relationship.

 

But I wasn't "happy." Meanwhile, she was making plans, promising me we'd do things, scheduling stuff, telling me she loved me, etc. I had always told her to tell me immediately if she wanted to break up, and she hadn't. So all her efforts just made me more hurt when she ultimately did what she was inevitably going to do anyway.

Edited September 17, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[MarvelFan1]

And they're not happy, because the minute you start having these types of conversations, they're already feeling insecure. In fact, I would bet that she's already betrayed her lack of comfort via distance/behavior/etc. and he's noticed and is feeling insecure. He's likely trying to make excuses or figure out how to address problems, but people can usually tell when you're checked out and can CERTAINLY tell if you start having conversations about stuff like this.

 

He's not happy...he's just hoping he can fix things. If you know he can't, then just have the decency to let him know so he can spend his time getting over you rather than fretting over you.

 

 

 

My last girlfriend, in all likelihood, stayed with me for at least a few weeks once she had decided she wanted out. I'm sure she thought she was doing me a favor, but I could immediately tell that she was being distant, avoidant, indecisive, etc. She'd try to finesse conversations by giving answers that were non-committal but didn't explicitly articulate her feelings. I noticed all of it, was nervous, and was just making excuses to myself and trying to double down on my attentiveness in hopes of tightening up the relationship.

 

But I wasn't "happy." Meanwhile, she was making plans, promising me we'd do things, scheduling stuff, telling me she loved me, etc. I had always told her to tell me immediately if she wanted to break up, and she hadn't. So all her efforts just made me more hurt when she ultimately did what she was inevitably going to do anyway.

My ex could tell I was getting distant, the spark had kind of gone, and she isn't stupid, but I was just hanging in there because I didn't want to upset her, but now I've learned a lesson of just get out right away, don't prolong the problem.

 

She was treating me like a verbal punchbag and looking for arguments over the last two months together and coupled with a few incidents six months prior, I just had enough. I made a hash of it, but I broke up with her in the end. Next time, if things go rotten, I'm hitting eject right away, no messing about.

Edited September 17, 2017 by MarvelFan1