smoakes Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 Hello all, I am new to posting in forums but I just wanted to share this to get insight on my what seems like issues that can take over someone's life. I come from a fairly conservative background. He, simply put, does not. My parents are great people and have been supportive of most of my decisions in life. As far as parents go, they are great. Loving, caring, providing for everything. We have always been on the same side with most things in life. But when I started my undergraduate degree, I met a guy I liked. I fell in love. I trusted him and he me. I wanted to travel new places and experience new things with him, and I did. The thing that I fell short on was sharing this with my parents. I did not tell them about any of it for three years. They learnt about this from a third party and that is when the first rift was created between me and my parents. I was not the obedient daughter they thought. Instead I was a liar. I was dishonest and selfish. Things did not end well with the guy, and we moved on. My parents never really forgave me for it. They began to question my every single action. They assumed that I was guy chaser. They refused to let me be a part of anything, and if I did, it would be after severe protest and fights that were very disturbing. My mom would stop talking to me or helping me with anything since I wasn't doing things that she approved. I tried to live my life the best way I knew how. To trust myself and my instinct. I let myself live and learn to deal with the heartbreak that came with the ending of my first relationship. I then met another guy I liked. We started talking and within the first week of us talking, I shared this with my parents. They asked me to break up with him. They had not met him. They do not know his personality. All they knew was the he is from a culturally different background and didn't have his masters degree. I am from a conservative background going for my masters in engineering. What gets to me is their disinterest in not even trying to know him as a person. My mom claims that I am not capable to finding someone to spend my life with, since I failed to do it the first time. She thinks I am selfish because I don't care about what this is doing to my family since they do not approve of him. But it kills me to choose one over the other every single time. We have been together for almost a year now and going strong. Their reasons for disapproval are I think completely superficial. My mom however has stopped talking to me even though we live in the same house. I live with them because they do not want me to leave, even though I am completely capable of doing so. There are days when I feel like I am the burden they cannot wait to get rid off. I am tired and quite honestly I have stopped caring at this point. But I miss having a relationship with my mom. I just wanted to get an idea of what you guys think about all of this.
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 In a western culture if you are independent of mom & dad let them think whatever narrow minded things they like. Live your life without them. When it's time for grandkids they will cave if you stand your ground. If you are not from a Western culture or you are dependent upon your parents, especially while living under their roof, their rules control. Given that you think the guy is honorable perhaps try to get a respected elder or clergy person to intervene to at least get the parents to meet the poor guy before passing judgment. 2
act00 Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 I'm inclined to think your mother will come around eventually. I think you should think about moving out. If you have the means to live on your own, do it, even if you have to have roommates, and don't be dependent on them financially. That will always be a means of control. Right now your mother can punish you by ignoring you, but you're still in the house and she can see you and knows you're safe at home. You messed up by keeping this other guy a secret, but at the same time, clearly they would not have reacted well, so I can certainly understand. This is your life and your mistakes to make. They don't have to approve. If this man is good to you, there is no arguing with that. Perhaps you can offer to treat your parents to dinner to meet your new boyfriend and all you ask is they be civil for an hour. I don't know if moving out is culturally possible, but you state you can, and you should. You're a grown woman who wants to make her own choices. If you are dependent on them, and living in their home, they can place rules, you end up sneaking around, and they continue feeling that you're selfish and childish. Get some independence. Try not to get into screaming arguments with them and be mature with your disagreements. Putting some distance between you could help. It's a terrible place to be in, and you feel you have to choose your parents and follow their rules for love and acceptance, or follow your heart and have a marriage, children, career, and lose your parents. Many have made that choice. Maybe you should seek counseling to help you through this.
kendahke Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 I live with them because they do not want me to leave, even though I am completely capable of doing so. It's time for you to do so. Your mother is toxic and controlling and doesn't want to let you grow up and become your own woman. So what if things didn't work out the first time? You're young and you're supposed to be developing the judgement to find a guy who is the best fit for you, not what will meet with their approval. I know this sounds brutal, but here's the plain deal: she can keep acting like an a$$ and not be invited to your wedding or to see her grandchildren and she will the one who old and pitiful and alone. You are grown. As long as you live in their house, you are a child--their child--and they will continue to treat you as if you are 5 years old, especially if you're letting them pay all of your living expenses. I say since you say you can move out on your own, do so--sooner than later. You don't need their permission. You can also develop and nurture your own family of your choosing, so don't think that you can only be surrounded by your own flesh and blood if you want family. You had good reason to keep your first boyfriend from them because you know who you are dealing with.
sac555 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 As a mom of a daughter (sounds about your age), I would be soooo sad if we didn't have the relationship that we do. You said you miss your mom, and my guess is that she misses you too! I didn't approve of some of my daughter's BFs and I did try to guide her, if she asked. Maybe you should take your mom to lunch and tell her you miss her! Maybe tell her you want their opinions, but to please consider more than the surface. Maybe you could say you'd like to have them meet and try to get to know him too, (and make it something that doesn't last too long!) What a shame they have driven you to the point to not tell them, but maybe you could remedy it now that they see how it will end up if they don't stop. If you want to move out, then do, and make sure it's not because you end up angry, but that you are ready. Remember that we parents don't get much practice before each of these stages come up with our kids, so we don't always handle things well either! Grace is the action here, and reconcile! Praying for a great end and start of new beginnings!
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 You won't have a proper relationship with your parents until they start treating you like an adult. Whomever you date, have sex with, etc is none of their business. They cannot tell you what to do. It's like a mexican stand off, you have your way, they have theirs. Discuss expectations and boundaries like adults, and make this work where you both respect each other and get along. 1
Pumpkin008 Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 (edited) Your parents are WAY too involved in your personal life. I think you were better off leaving them out of it. Move out of the house. Don't tell you parents you are moving out- don't tell them anything. They can choose to have a relationship with you but you can't allow them to continue to control you. Get your own place, date who ever you want, finish school, get a good job, drink wine, be happy. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders- except for when it comes to your parents. Don't let them guilt you into staying in that house or dating who they want. This is your life- not theirs. Edited September 13, 2017 by Pumpkin008 spelling
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