harnold Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 I’ve been on and off with one girl for about 5 years - I’m 29, she’s 27. We’re one of a kind matches in terms of ambition, and we connect amazingly on an intellectual level. But she was always more of a “going out/enjoy life” person, while recently, I’ve become more of a “build my business, save every penny” type . That work/life balance issue was always the root of our friction. In the past 5 years, I’ve started a handful of business, all of which failed. I’ve lost my life savings doing so. It’s extremely depressing to be turning 30 next month and have nothing in my 20s to show for it. I still live at home, too. My last business venture she actually joined me on, and when that business failed, it hit her hard- monetarily and emotionally. It was coupled with many other issues as well… family deaths, health/weight problems, depression with her regular job… it was a rough time for her, and affected her relationship with me. I supported her as best as I could during this time, and was able to push her towards a career change which has made her a MUCH happier person. I’m very grateful for this, and our relationship turned around for a bit. Recently, I started an eBay business, and although it’s not something I want to do the rest of my life, it’s been successful and I’m pulling down good money for a change. I was even hoping to maybe buy a house next year. But unfortunately, my pattern of extreme stinginess has been hard to kick, and she’s decided she can’t do it anymore. In the past, whenever we’ve broken up, we’ve always eventually gotten back together. This time seems different though, and she's seeing someone new. Although I do want to move on, I want to keep a door open with her. But I’m also afraid of getting burned AGAIN from this roller coaster ride (she’s not the most emotionally stable person either). In fact, when she asked me why I was so stingy, I admitted it was partly because of my fear of uncertainty with the relationship. But this shouldn’t detract from the fact that at my core I’ve still become a stingy assh*le. I don’t know what will happen with this girl. And even if I find a new girl, I’m afraid that my old stingy habits will creep into the new relationship, since I dont think I’ve found my life calling with this ebay stuff. My questions are these: - Am I even fit for a new relationship? My ex commented once that I may be the type of person that needs financial stability to be a good partner. Is she right? Are my relationships all doomed to failure until I settle on my life calling? - I’m not sure if I would ever want to get back together with my ex if the opportunity presented itself. I'm not sure if I'd be able to kick perceptions of our old relationships. But if I decide to, and the opportunity presents itself, what’s the best way to re-enter the relationship, leave my baggage at the door and give it a fair chance? I know at minimum that I REALLY need work on myself, find my calling, and that some time would need to pass for me to really “forget” the old relationship issues, but I would really like some feedback. - HOW DO I STOP BEING SO STINGY I NEED to change this if I am ever going to be happy in life Please, help. Any input at all is appreciated.
Author harnold Posted September 11, 2017 Author Posted September 11, 2017 I know it's a long and boring post, but was still hoping for even a little feedback
preraph Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 Well, at least you acknowledge you have a problem. Most stingy people just blame the other person. Until and unless you start feeling more balanced about it, you are not ready for a relationship, not one that will go into marriage and family. I don't know whether it's simply your ups and downs with money over the last few years or whether you really are just stingy by nature. I don't know what her expectations were, whether they were realistic (you take her on dates and usually pay, for example) or whether she's a golddigger who wanted gifts and was extravagant and isn't interested if you don't have money. If it's the latter, you are possibly choosing women who will like you for your money or giving them a false impression early on that you have money or are successful. So you may be choosing the wrong women and sacrificing ethics to get one who's better looking or something. I don't know. You know. So work hard. Get a second job in addition to your ebay work and just concentrate on that for awhile. See if once you get steady income, you get freer with money. If not, you might need to spend some money on counseling to try to get over the stinginess, and I know you don't want to do that!
grays Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 What sorts of things were you stingy about that bothered her?
Author harnold Posted September 22, 2017 Author Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) Well, at least you acknowledge you have a problem. Most stingy people just blame the other person. Until and unless you start feeling more balanced about it, you are not ready for a relationship, not one that will go into marriage and family. I don't know whether it's simply your ups and downs with money over the last few years or whether you really are just stingy by nature. I don't know what her expectations were, whether they were realistic (you take her on dates and usually pay, for example) or whether she's a golddigger who wanted gifts and was extravagant and isn't interested if you don't have money. If it's the latter, you are possibly choosing women who will like you for your money or giving them a false impression early on that you have money or are successful. So you may be choosing the wrong women and sacrificing ethics to get one who's better looking or something. I don't know. You know. So work hard. Get a second job in addition to your ebay work and just concentrate on that for awhile. See if once you get steady income, you get freer with money. If not, you might need to spend some money on counseling to try to get over the stinginess, and I know you don't want to do that! Lmao, your last line... thanks for the humor "I don't know whether it's simply your ups and downs with money over the last few years or whether you really are just stingy by nature." I don't know either. My family has been hit hard with financial issues the past few years, so their "need to save" attitude has definitely rubbed off on me. But I've had my own financial ups and downs as well. I dont think I'm choosing golddiggers/women who think I'll be a megawatt success... but I do have a really good work ethic that I think appeals to many of my partners. I do think her expectations are a bit unrealistic, as she complains about being broke/not having enough money to do the things she wants. Its hard to see who's right, because I'm on such an extreme end of the spectrum myself. To your other point, I have noticed myself feeling more comfortable with my finances recently as the money situation does better. Then again, its easy for me to say this since I haven't been tested with another relationship/dates yet... but I dont feel as suffocated with expenses as I used to. I think there is also an air of fickleness to her that contributes. She's very driven like I am, and just got an amazing new job (or so she thought) a few months ago. I do think this led her to a "I need to move past this guy who is holding me back" attitude... which is ironic now, because turns out she doesn't like her job that much and I'm actually doing really well, and I notice her trying to reach out more. Not trying to attack her, just a comment. I think it's a huge factor that I shoulda mentioned before Sorry for the late response, I didn't think this thread would get any replies Edited September 22, 2017 by harnold
Author harnold Posted September 22, 2017 Author Posted September 22, 2017 What sorts of things were you stingy about that bothered her? We just really didnt go out much anymore and do things. Towards the end it was a combination of things... she would see me uncomfortable when we would go out places or plan for them (unwillingness to pay for things, or trying to not spend too much money at a dinner etc), but also the fact that I told her I had reservations about investing money in our relationship out of fear of another "change of heart" (usually initiated by her). This is when money was a lot tighter than it is now. Her new work job treats her really well (she's a sales rep and they constantly fly her places, pay for nice hotels and dinners) and I am totally a different lifestyle than that at this point in my life. I think she's starting to see that, as nice as those perks are, they're misleading her into thinking she's much better off than she actually is.
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