He wants to move in

[twentysix]

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 months. He's 29 and I'm 27. Before he met me, he was single for a LONG time. Besides a few short term (2 month) "relationships" he had been single for about 7 years, so most of his adult life. He also struggles with anxiety & social anxiety, so he is very accustomed to being by himself.

 

My main concern lately has been the amount of time we spend together - which is limited. When we first met, we were spending every weekend from Friday night-Sunday night together, plus going out for dinner a night during the week. We only live a 20 minute drive from each other. As time went on, we had a discussion (initiated by him) which lead to trying to create a balance by not spending the WHOLE weekend together so we could both still have time for friends/hobbies etc. and make sure we were still keeping our independence. This was a healthy move, however the time we get together is now very limited. He lives at home with his parents and I have a friend stay with me 3-4 nights during the week, so we usually end up not seeing each other all week long and waiting until the weekend.

In addition to this, we usually only speak on the phone twice a week and text a little - but there isn't heaps of communication happening during the week - so I'm feeling quite disconnected from him Monday-Thursday.

 

I sat down and spoke to him about this a few days ago, and said that this "half" relationship is not good enough for me. I don't know how to resolve this, but I'm not really that happy with the amount of time we see & speak to each other. I asked him if he was happy with waiting until Friday to see me every week - he said on one hand, yes he is because he's always really excited to see me & it keeps things interesting & exciting. But then on the other hand, if I'm not happy he's willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. So I asked him what he thought that solution would be - and he said he thinks we should live together; i.e him moving into my apartment with me.

In theory, I like this idea because I'd get to see him more which is obviously what I want - however I can't shake the feeling that if he wanted to spend more than just the weekend with me, he would be initiating more time. But he's not. I suppose he is now, by suggesting we live together, but it seems like skipping a few steps.

 

The solution that we came up with was that he would stay with me every second week, and I'd get my friend who currently stays with me 3-4 nights a week to arrange other accommodation for each fortnight. This way, we are trying out living together without the added pressure of both being on the lease before we know what it's like to spend that much time together and also a "week on/week off" situation. I think it's a pretty smart way to go about things, however I'm nervous. I'm nervous for our relationship, worried that forced time together might pull us apart.

 

When I asked him why he thinks this would be the solution, he said, "I want to get out of my parents place, and I'd like to try living with you because that's ultimately what I'd want when I do move out completely. I'd like to see how we'd go living together & spending a lot more time together than we do now."

I told him that if he is doing this mainly to get out of his parents place, then that's not OK. He said absolutely not - he sees it as a "win/win" for both himself, me & our relationship.

 

He said he loves being with me, he loves spending time with me & he feels very lucky to have me. But I'm nervous, because before now, his actions haven't really lived up to his words. Am I reading too much into this and making a mountain out of a molehill? He's willing to move forward with me... should I maybe just accept that this is what we both want and chill out?!

Edited September 10, 2017 by twentysix

[bummer]

Yes. Chill out.

 

6 months may be early if contact has been sparse to-date, but now you get to see how his anxiety and lifestyle will actually blend with yours. Why not up the stakes? You'll know sooner than later whether you really are compatible.

[PegNosePete]

The solution that we came up with was that he would stay with me every second week

Yes, that seems a sensible "next step" to me.

 

It's natural to be a bit nervous, but look at it this way. If you don't like living together, and the relationship ends, isn't it better to find out now rather than in 6 months, a year or 5 years time?

[d0nnivain]

Even if you have a friend staying with you, there is no reason you & your BF can't have dinner together during the week. There is also no reason you can't talk on the phone.

 

Until you two can manage that, I wouldn't put much stock in this fake "living together" business where he stays at your place for a week every other week. You only live 20 minutes apart. You should be able to work out a conventional dating schedule.

[twentysix]

I spoke with him last night and ended up telling him that I didn't think it was a good idea. Our relationship has been so up & down, I think living together too soon will probably break us.

 

Backing up his reasons for moving in, he said, "I'm crap at talking on the phone or answering messages, so at least if I'm here with you every day, we can just talk in person." I didn't think that reason was good enough. Despite the fact that he works a very strenuous job and is dead tired by the end of the day, I don't think a 10 minute phone call is too much to ask.

 

During our honest chat, I also asked him if he loves me, which he said no, he's not there yet. He doesn't feel that close yet. I absolutely respect that, but I don't want the emotional connection of living together, even part time, if the love isn't there yet. He respected that.

 

We'll still have the choice of me having my apartment to myself every fortnight and if he wants to come and spend more time with me, great, maybe we're getting closer to taking the next step. But if he has the choice and chooses not to, then I'll be bloody glad that I didn't let him move in.

[d0nnivain]

If after 6 months he hasn't fallen in love, there is no reason for this fake moving in together living arrangement. It all sounds like a bunch of excuses for him being lazy & not wanting to put in the effort. I think you're right for taking the step back.

[darkmoon]

would he have known the cost of running a home? bills, food and rent, imho, you dodged a bullet, since he lives at home, or were you to be the free hotel

[twentysix]

would he have known the cost of running a home? bills, food and rent, imho, you dodged a bullet, since he lives at home, or were you to be the free hotel

 

He absolutely would have paid bills and rent, yes. He has lived out of home before, he's been back with his parents for about 8 months.

[Gaeta]

This man demoted you to a fwb weekend get-away then he got the brilliant idea of using you to move out of his parents. All of his reasoning for moving in with you is BS. He wants to move in with you but he's not in love with you? *rolling my eyes*. You've wasted enough of your time with this dude. If at 6 months his feelings have not developped they won't ever

[PegNosePete]

Given the new information I agree with the others. Time to move on from this guy. It seems the relationship isn't going anywhere. There comes a "make onr break" time in every relationship and I think you have reached that point now. And unfortunately it looks like this one is "break".

[preraph]

Don't. You're not going to like it. He seems to be wanting to do it for convenience and like it's a cheap way to get out from where he is. You don't want this. You don't want all your time monopolized. Now add to it feeling angry at him for not doing his part around the house because that's usually what happens. Just tell him it's too soon, you're not ready.

 

You could also tell him you don't intend to live with a man before marriage.

[StormyEyes]

If this is all the effort he is willing to make now, it won't get any better if/when you move in together. Don't settle, set the standard, if he doesn't meet it, he isn't in it for the long haul.