Craziest 2 years of my life...Is there any hope?

[ontheway]

My ex and I met 2 years ago online. We’re both in our early 30’s. I knew from the first date that she was in her party phase. Talking about doing drugs, drinking heavily, being promiscuous, etc. All things that I did not agree with, but I continued to see her anyways because she was beautiful, fun, energetic, and just drew people into her. The second date, she was literally falling over in our booth, drunk or on pills, and I knew I should’ve just left, but she was so hot, and I was horny at that time. We ended up going back to my place and having the best sex ever, 4 times.

 

Things continued like this for a while. She would always come to my place 40 minutes away(which I always thought was strange), and we would spend the weekends together, having fun, drinking, having amazing sex. During the week, she would disappear for days at a time, no response to texts or calls, not that I was over pursing, but she would just go dark. I had no idea what she was up to. Seeing other men? Drinking and drugging?

 

She would constantly throw other men in my face, telling me how she dated all these millionaires, sports stars, explicit sexual details, just huge stories of grandeur. Her drinking was out of control, but for some reason this turned me on, and the chase consumed me. This all made me very insecure after a while, and it didn’t stop for literally 8 months, until she got a DUI. It was then she told me about her 10 year prescription drug addiction, and her childhood. She doesn’t have a mother or a father, her grandma raised her in a mixed race broken home, where she claims she was molested, and her grandma beat her and was also a drunk.

 

For some reason, all I wanted to do was save her, and show her a loving beautiful side of life. By this time we had broken up and got back together at least 5 or 6 times because I couldn’t deal with her disappearing act, or throwing other men in my face anymore. You could literally write a book on her stories. Most of them, she would tell me, and then forget the very next day. I think she is a pathological liar, and maybe even a bit of a narcissist or sociopath.

 

So I stuck by her this whole time, going through her drug withdrawals, dealing with the DUI, dealing with her telling me she needs space, then would pull me in, then would disappear, leave my high and dry on all holidays. It was a freaking rollercoaster man.

 

So fast forward to the present time. I believe she is done with the pills, I haven’t caught her with any, or see her doing any. She is still drinking, regardless of the fact that she has a blow device and must blow everyday but she times it out so she can still drink, and she minimizes this like it’s not a problem at all.

 

Over the last 6 months it seems that she has truly made some positive changes. However, I have absolutely blown up at her because I held all of this in for the last year and a half. I have said horrible things to her like, you have treated me like ****, you lie about everything, you’ve ruined all my holidays, you’ve wound up naked in bed with another man and it was somehow my fault, you’re a piece of ****. Needless to say, the first 2 blowups like this, we broke up and got back together again within a week.

 

Now for the current situation. We recently had a miscarriage that really messed us up. She was still having a glass of wine even when we found out she was pregnant. The other messed up thing is, I really had no idea if she was sleeping with other men when we broke up the last time.

 

I finally lost it at a party in front of people when she started telling her stories about how successful she is and I just couldn’t take it anymore and blew up in front of everyone. So that’s where we stand now. Here I am again, pining after her, somehow this whole relationship is my mistake. She just says if you truly feel this way about me, why do you stay? Why didn’t you just break up with me for good all those times. She has a way of being very manipulative and turning everything around so it’s someone else's fault. Why did I stay? Because I loved her.

 

I know what you’re going to say. But I can’t help loving this woman. It’s almost like I’m addicted to this pain, to her treating me like****, then I treat her like ****, it’s just the most toxic situation, but when it’s good, its absolutely amazing, and when its bad, it turns into hell.

 

I’ve tried dating other women, but I’m constantly comparing them to my ex, their bodies, I just don’t know what to do. My ex has now made it clear that she thinks I really do feel those things about her when I lose my composure, all while she is trying to turn her life around. She says she can’t do this anymore and I needed to let go of the beginning of our relationship but just couldn’t do it. She says If I truly loved her, I would be ok with all of her faults, cheating, lying, drinking, drugging, etc.

 

I’ve never felt such an intense crazy connection like I do with this woman. The sex is out of this world, and her body is amazing. We have so much fun together, but when she start telling her stories, or her tales of woe when she drinks, I just can’t do it anymore.

 

Is there any hope for this? I don’t even know if I could have a “normal” relationship after this intense ride of 2 years.

[salparadise]

I know what you’re going to say. But I can’t help loving this woman. It’s almost like I’m addicted to this pain, to her treating me like****, then I treat her like ****, it’s just the most toxic situation, but when it’s good, its absolutely amazing, and when its bad, it turns into hell.

 

I’ve tried dating other women, but I’m constantly comparing them to my ex, their bodies, I just don’t know what to do.

 

She says If I truly loved her, I would be ok with all of her faults, cheating, lying, drinking, drugging, etc.

 

I’ve never felt such an intense crazy connection like I do with this woman. The sex is out of this world, and her body is amazing. We have so much fun together, but when she start telling her stories, or her tales of woe when she drinks, I just can’t do it anymore.

 

Is there any hope for this? I don’t even know if I could have a “normal” relationship after this intense ride of 2 years.

 

 

No, probably not, and you are addicted. She makes your brain chemistry go crazy, not unlike opiates. You only have two choices, a) stay with it and let this be your life (until one day she leaves you for one of those guys), or b) go cold turkey, get into therapy (with a highly skilled therapist), break the cycle and reset your expectations and concept of normalcy. It won't be quick or easy, but the alternative... you described it pretty well.

 

I won't attempt to pin a specific label on it but I'm 99.9 percent certain that she's suffering from mental disorder(s) in addition to the addictions. There will be PTSD and you'll probably need to remain single for a few years. People have different definitions of love. I think you're attached for sure, and addicted, but this is not what most people would consider love. You need a major reset. Good luck.

[Dis]

#1- For the love of all that is holy.. use birth control!!!

 

I have no idea why you would want to bring another human life into this dysfunctional, toxic situation. Especially if she's drinking while she's pregnant?!

 

I have to say, I have absolutely no respect for those that drink/do drugs while pregnant OR those who get pregnant when being in no condition to raise a child in a healthy, stable environment

 

I have shadowed nurses who work for DCF. I have seen babies addicted to heroin and those with fetal alcohol syndrome. After seeing what those poor babies and kids go through.. I can honestly say reproducing should be a right that some people shouldnt have

 

Grow up. Use birth control.

 

I'm sure everyone else will fill you in on #2, #3, #4 etc etc

 

[Zahara]

I have nothing to add other than please use birth control. What could possibly be going through your mind having no thought of what the repercussions and damage may be bringing a child into this sort of dysfunction?

 

You both want to destroy your lives and live destructively, by all means do so. But this sort of selfishness and entitlement belongs nowhere near another human life. It's incredibly irresponsible.

[TheBathWater]

I do believe I understand your situation. I was involved with a very manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic woman on and off for a year until a couple of months ago. What I read in your post almost sounded like I could've written a lot of it myself. If you dig back through some of my posts from probably May-August of this year, you'll see for yourself.

 

The short answer is: no, it will never work. That doesn't mean you can't stay with her. Plenty of relationships 'stay together' that don't work at all. I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

I know she has an amazing body, that she creates a lot of extreme emotions inside of you, and that the sex is the best you've ever had, but she is a narcissistic woman with a serious trauma history. You cannot help her. The person you want her to be is not who she is, and the relationship you want to have is not the one you have. It's an illusion that you can't see clearly because you're in it, and you won't be able to see it clearly until you're out of it and some time has passed.

 

I'm sure a lot of people here will encourage you to break up with her and move on, but having been in a similar situation myself, I already know you're going to ride it out as long as you can. But mark my words, there will come a day when it comes crashing down and you will be burned, left in the dust.

 

Feel free to private message me at some point if you want some information on resources for getting over this person once you have been out of contact with them for a period of time. In the meantime, you may want to research CoDependent and Narcissist Relationships on YouTube and Google, and get as much information there as you can. You will probably see a lot of your situation reflected in that. I promise.

[TheBathWater]

Something else I wanted to add that I just thought of...

 

When she responds to your concerns with phrases such as: "then why do you stay with me?," I'm willing to bet that what she is essentially doing (knowingly or unknowingly) is something called misdirection. In misdirection, people frequently shift the focus onto you when you're calling them out on concerning behavior or issues with the relationship. Misdirection is a way of not only evading taking any responsibility for the original issue, but it can also put you into a fearful state that she is going to leave you, which you obviously don't want, so you're either quick to drop the issue altogether, or fall into the misdirection trap of thinking that you are the issue or there is something YOU need to do differently. Misdirection is a clever way that many narcissists, sociopaths, and other highly unstable personality types use. Making them aware of it will not help. They cannot see it, and when they catch glimpses of it, they will find ways to deny it and make it about you because of the shame they have underneath since they really see themselves as so weak and awful underneath (even though I know you're not thinking of her this way and you do love her, she probably thinks of herself this way and so will imagine you do too if you expose it).

 

It seems like once in a while you're able to come around to your senses and leave her and the relationship, which is good. But is also sounds after a time, when you lose hope about recreating this with someone else and **you get lonely** is when you're vulnerable to go back to her.

 

Have you thought about getting a therapist? You're going to go through a pain period when you do eventually split for good and go no contact. You're going to be in pain for a long time after she's gone, I believe, but you will be in pain A LOT longer compared to if you stay with her. If you find a therapist, you can work over time to figure out why you were so attracted to her, and hopefully learn what a REAL and healthy relationship is.

Edited September 11, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[ontheway]

Something else I wanted to add that I just thought of...

 

When she responds to your concerns with phrases such as: "then why do you stay with me?," I'm willing to bet that what she is essentially doing (knowingly or unknowingly) is something called misdirection. In misdirection, people frequently shift the focus onto you when you're calling them out on concerning behavior or issues with the relationship. Misdirection is a way of not only evading taking any responsibility for the original issue, but it can also put you into a fearful state that she is going to leave you, which you obviously don't want, so you're either quick to drop the issue altogether, or fall into the misdirection trap of thinking that you are the issue or there is something YOU need to do differently. Misdirection is a clever way that many narcissists, sociopaths, and other highly unstable personality types use. Making them aware of it will not help. They cannot see it, and when they catch glimpses of it, they will find ways to deny it and make it about you because of the shame they have underneath since they really see themselves as so weak and awful underneath (even though I know you're not thinking of her this way and you do love her, she probably thinks of herself this way and so will imagine you do too if you expose it).

 

It seems like once in a while you're able to come around to your senses and leave her and the relationship, which is good. But is also sounds after a time, when you lose hope about recreating this with someone else and **you get lonely** is when you're vulnerable to go back to her.

 

Have you thought about getting a therapist? You're going to go through a pain period when you do eventually split for good and go no contact. You're going to be in pain for a long time after she's gone, I believe, but you will be in pain A LOT longer compared to if you stay with her. If you find a therapist, you can work over time to figure out why you were so attracted to her, and hopefully learn what a REAL and healthy relationship is.

 

 

Wow. You literally hit the nail on the head with this statement. This is EXACTLY what she does in every situation.

 

 

When I question her about drinking, it's my fault.

When I question her about lying, it's my fault.

When I question her about cheating, it's my fault.

 

 

At that point I have no where to turn, except just agree and drive myself crazy! Or obviously, the choice to lose her

[TheBathWater]

Wow. You literally hit the nail on the head with this statement. This is EXACTLY what she does in every situation.

 

 

When I question her about drinking, it's my fault.

When I question her about lying, it's my fault.

When I question her about cheating, it's my fault.

 

 

At that point I have no where to turn, except just agree and drive myself crazy! Or obviously, the choice to lose her

 

Yeah, funny huh? That's because the woman I was seeing is strikingly similar in personality dysfunction to the woman you're with now (even though mine was not a drug addict - she was a notorious liar, cheater, promiscuous, user, manipulative, etc... and unlike yours, she would never come to me...I would always go to her like a sad lost puppy). But they never change. There is no hope. She is absolutely going to run your life into the ground.

 

If you do lose her, it's going to be because you end it, you go no contact, and you don't go back. I sense she will always be in and out of your life as long as you let her, and each time, it just makes it harder to move on and do the work necessary to find someone else worth having a loving relationship with.

Edited September 11, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[ontheway]

Yeah, funny huh? That's because the woman I was seeing is strikingly similar in personality dysfunction to the woman you're with now (even though mine was not a drug addict - she was a notorious liar, cheater, promiscuous, user, manipulative, etc... and unlike yours, she would never come to me...I would always go to her like a sad lost puppy). But they never change. There is no hope. She is absolutely going to run your life into the ground.

 

If you do lose her, it's going to be because you end it, you go no contact, and you don't go back. I sense she will always be in and out of your life as long as you let her, and each time, it just makes it harder to move on and do the work necessary to find someone else worth having a loving relationship with.

 

So it's been a full week of no contact. I went out on a couple dates with new women, and I literally felt guilty for doing it. It also made me miss the ex so much more.

 

 

Should I break no-contact? I can't get her out of my mind

[Zahara]

So it's been a full week of no contact. I went out on a couple dates with new women, and I literally felt guilty for doing it. It also made me miss the ex so much more.

 

Don't date. You're looking for women to distract you from your pain. Learn to manage your emotions on your own.

 

Should I break no-contact? I can't get her out of my mind

 

It's an addiction. You are going through withdrawals. No, you don't break contact. You push through.

 

She's still the same person. Contact won't change anything other than give you temporary relief. Then you go back down the rabbit hole again.

[smackie9]

BPD.....run away as fast as you can. Every time you think of her, stick your fingers down your throat to make yourself gag or drink straight lemon juice....you will relate thinking of her to something physically awful. It will retrain your brain.

[PinkPampies]

Ten characters

Edited September 19, 2017 by PinkPampies
Wrong thread

[ontheway]

BPD.....run away as fast as you can. Every time you think of her, stick your fingers down your throat to make yourself gag or drink straight lemon juice....you will relate thinking of her to something physically awful. It will retrain your brain.

 

I'm in the regret stage right now. Constantly thinking if I did this or that, if I let this or that go, if I forgave her treatment towards me during the first year of our relationship things would be different. If I didn't fly off the handle those last few times, etc. etc...

 

 

I need some strength right now so I don't break no contact...

 

 

Why would she initiate a meet up 2 weeks ago and have sex? Then leave right after the act, text me on the way home, and say no more sex.

[coolheadal]

She's in denial and blames you for her guilt trip. Never ask them about their drinking, smoking, pot etc. if she does that. She'll get in a temper with you. Like you crossing their line buddy watch it or feel her raft of pain and suffering on your end not hers. You did the right think date other people why should you suffer from her abuse. Love can't save you love can only cloud your mine against her.

[ontheway]

She's in denial and blames you for her guilt trip. Never ask them about their drinking, smoking, pot etc. if she does that. She'll get in a temper with you. Like you crossing their line buddy watch it or feel her raft of pain and suffering on your end not hers. You did the right think date other people why should you suffer from her abuse. Love can't save you love can only cloud your mine against her.

 

She's in denial of what? I don't understand why she would want to meet up a month later after that last blow out, spend the day together, have sex, then literally leave the second its over and say no more sex?

 

 

After that happened I literally pursed hard every day and she would just say things like, hey stand in line, I have other men chasing me, I just got a marriage proposal today, then hang up on me. Totally disrespecting me.

 

 

This is how it's been the majority of this relationship! And I keep wanting more!

[kendahke]

I knew from the first date that she was in her party phase. Talking about doing drugs, drinking heavily, being promiscuous, etc. All things that I did not agree with, but I continued to see her anyways because she was beautiful, fun, energetic, and just drew people into her. The second date, she was literally falling over in our booth, drunk or on pills, and I knew I should’ve just left, but she was so hot, and I was horny at that time. We ended up going back to my place and having the best sex ever, 4 times.

 

This is as far into this train wreck I'm going to go. Don't have to read any further to know how this turns out.

 

You sold yourself out for someone who is a complete mess, but she's hot---yeah a HOT MESS! That's the truth of your matter here.

[ontheway]

This is as far into this train wreck I'm going to go. Don't have to read any further to know how this turns out.

 

You sold yourself out for someone who is a complete mess, but she's hot---yeah a HOT MESS! That's the truth of your matter here.

 

 

 

That was the whole problem here. It seems like she's been getting better, but I keep holding on to that first year of a trainwreck...

[TheBathWater]

She's in denial of what? I don't understand why she would want to meet up a month later after that last blow out, spend the day together, have sex, then literally leave the second its over and say no more sex?

 

 

After that happened I literally pursed hard every day and she would just say things like, hey stand in line, I have other men chasing me, I just got a marriage proposal today, then hang up on me. Totally disrespecting me.

 

 

This is how it's been the majority of this relationship! And I keep wanting more!

 

She sounds like a very selfish woman, and I imagine she is using you for her own ego gratification. She may or may not be aware that this is the role she slots you in. Probably not. She doesn't have the maturity to have insight into what motivates her own behavior. Underneath her defensive charm about how desired she is by other men is a weak, insecure, depressed woman who feels intense shame.

 

I am very, very sorry that this has been your experience. It's obvious you care about her and would like to be the guy that helps her work through her stuff and wins her love in the process. Unfortunately, I can guarantee you that this will not be the outcome. The longer you stay attached to her, the more you will feel your own sense of self slip away. I do think no contact is the only way to go with this one. You should anticipate that she will attempt to come back into your life when she feels weak and needs some supply for her ego, and plan in advance how you're going to handle that (I simply wouldn't respond and would block her).

 

I agree with the above poster who suggested you shouldn't be dating right now. You're going to need time to heal from what you've been through, think about what lessons you've learned from this experience (including why you got yourself involved with a person like this in the first place), and think about how to not repeat this scenario with someone different in the future. I forget, have you considered therapy?

 

However, I do think it can be healthy to spend time around new women as friends...and I mean just friends. No sex, no romance. Just develop new connections. I always tell women I am somewhat newly single (I never talk about the past relationship though) and that I am just looking to make friends first, and if there is a connection, maybe romance later. It takes the pressure off and you get to experience what healthy relationships could be like after having endured the profound betrayal, and frankly, abuse, of having been with a very narcissistic woman.

 

It's going to take you considerable time to heal, and you will miss her during this process of several months at least. That's okay. You wanted something real, and that's a good thing. Allow yourself to grieve the lost hope of a failed attempt at love, and allow yourself to remember the good and the bad. But in the end, know that your instinct to want to be with her is not rational, and if you follow it, it won't be because there is a realistic possibility of something healthy with her...but because you *hope* there will be something there that simply never will be. The slow digestion of these realizations over time is ultimately what will enable your growth and healing.

 

From one man to another who knows what you're going through, please take care of yourself, man.

Edited September 21, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[ontheway]

She sounds like a very selfish woman, and I imagine she is using you for her own ego gratification. She may or may not be aware that this is the role she slots you in. Probably not. She doesn't have the maturity to have insight into what motivates her own behavior. Underneath her defensive charm about how desired she is by other men is a weak, insecure, depressed woman who feels intense shame.

 

I am very, very sorry that this has been your experience. It's obvious you care about her and would like to be the guy that helps her work through her stuff and wins her love in the process. Unfortunately, I can guarantee you that this will not be the outcome. The longer you stay attached to her, the more you will feel your own sense of self slip away. I do think no contact is the only way to go with this one. You should anticipate that she will attempt to come back into your life when she feels weak and needs some supply for her ego, and plan in advance how you're going to handle that (I simply wouldn't respond and would block her).

 

I agree with the above poster who suggested you shouldn't be dating right now. You're going to need time to heal from what you've been through, think about what lessons you've learned from this experience (including why you got yourself involved with a person like this in the first place), and think about how to not repeat this scenario with someone different in the future. I forget, have you considered therapy?

 

However, I do think it can be healthy to spend time around new women as friends...and I mean just friends. No sex, no romance. Just develop new connections. I always tell women I am somewhat newly single (I never talk about the past relationship though) and that I am just looking to make friends first, and if there is a connection, maybe romance later. It takes the pressure off and you get to experience what healthy relationships could be like after having endured the profound betrayal, and frankly, abuse, of having been with a very narcissistic woman.

 

It's going to take you considerable time to heal, and you will miss her during this process of several months at least. That's okay. You wanted something real, and that's a good thing. Allow yourself to grieve the lost hope of a failed attempt at love, and allow yourself to remember the good and the bad. But in the end, know that your instinct to want to be with her is not rational, and if you follow it, it won't be because there is a realistic possibility of something healthy with her...but because you *hope* there will be something there that simply never will be. The slow digestion of these realizations over time is ultimately what will enable your growth and healing.

 

From one man to another who knows what you're going through, please take care of yourself, man.

 

I know there are always 2 sides to the story and you're only hearing mine.

 

 

Her argument would be: " I was learning to be a good girlfriend again, if you didn't like it you should've left me, why didn't you just leave"

 

 

In response to her "waking up naked in another mans bed on a trip, and not knowing how she got there, or what happened" (probably because she was drunk and on pills out of her mind). This wasn't some random guy either, it's a guy she lied to me about sleeping with before. She says, "You should've asked the trip planner to be invited, I told you to ask them"... Like i'm going to invite myself on a trip? Why didn't you ask them or tell them my boyfriend is coming!?

 

 

Leaving my house at 10pm on a sunday night to go tend to her old man "friend" who was blowing up her phone?

 

 

I could write a book on stories like these, and they're always my fault...

[TheBathWater]

I know there are always 2 sides to the story and you're only hearing mine.

 

 

Her argument would be: " I was learning to be a good girlfriend again, if you didn't like it you should've left me, why didn't you just leave"

 

 

In response to her "waking up naked in another mans bed on a trip, and not knowing how she got there, or what happened" (probably because she was drunk and on pills out of her mind). This wasn't some random guy either, it's a guy she lied to me about sleeping with before. She says, "You should've asked the trip planner to be invited, I told you to ask them"... Like i'm going to invite myself on a trip? Why didn't you ask them or tell them my boyfriend is coming!?

 

 

Leaving my house at 10pm on a sunday night to go tend to her old man "friend" who was blowing up her phone?

 

 

I could write a book on stories like these, and they're always my fault...

 

I don't really need to hear her side because I've already dated her exact personality type. I know the deal, and I know the tactics and techniques of their communication style.

[ontheway]

Well, It's been 2 full weeks of no contact and I could really use some strength right now. I'm feeling weak and vulnerable and it's taking every ounce of my energy to not think about her or think about reaching out to her.

 

 

A friend who the ex met only twice, posted a pic of 3 of us (new girl i'm dating) on fb, the ex liked it. Why? Is she happy I'm moving on with my life or is she trying to assert her presence?

[Buriall]

Well, It's been 2 full weeks of no contact and I could really use some strength right now. I'm feeling weak and vulnerable and it's taking every ounce of my energy to not think about her or think about reaching out to her.

 

 

A friend who the ex met only twice, posted a pic of 3 of us (new girl i'm dating) on fb, the ex liked it. Why? Is she happy I'm moving on with my life or is she trying to assert her presence?

 

 

Dude do you not understand what these people are telling you?? you are only digging yourself a deeper grave..

 

I was in your situation exactly. First time I met her she had a party at her house and they were doing coke. I never done it never will. Inspite of this I still didn't think too much of it oh boy was I wrong

 

I got too deep in the rabbit hole and lost my own self my own beliefs and so on. I was sucked dry mentally and physically this went on for almost 2 years on and off. I tried everything with this girl at the end nothing worked because none of this I love you, you're the best man ever **** was real.. It was based on illusion and lies

 

At the end of all this, she said I'm sick of this and threw me out like I never mattered.. Now think about what you been through.. That's some mid ****ing **** dude, don't take this as something easy, take this very very seriously. You are still letting her **** with your mind.. Don't do that to yourself..

 

Now that I'm almost 2 months into NC and the sun is shining again. I'm not where I want to be yet but I see that I will get there slowly. No dating for me, I'm finding peace with being alone..

 

Take what these people are telling seriously because they are on point. Get rid of her on fb and follow all the NC rules