rose27 Posted September 10, 2017 Posted September 10, 2017 I recently posted in this forum about a guy I was seeing who had only separated from his wife back in March. I was concerned about a few things and most people (including my friends) told me to keep him at a distance. Unfortunately things got a little out of hand and we grew closer, but at the same time I was still telling him that he needed to focus on getting himself right after being married to a woman for 6 years (he had been with her for a total of 10 years). I didn't want him to have all of this emotional baggage from his previous relationship into ours, but I also started to develop very strong feelings for him and wondered if we could work through all of these issues. He was very persistent and wanted to have a future with me - his words. One night we were out at dinner and it was quite late. He received a call on his phone and I noticed the name of a female come up on the screen. I told him to answer and he said he'll call her later. Then he explained that she was a very good friend who was married to someone he was close to, but he died a few years ago. I'm not sure why he explained the story, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. About a month later, I noticed on Instagram that he commented on one of her posts. It was at this time that he started to become distant with me. At this point, I was starting to feel insecure and frustrated as I knew something wasn't right. It got to a point where he was saying he had things going on and he needed space. I was quite disappointed and hurt considering I was there for him when he was going through the hardest part of his divorce. After I was unable to handle the aloofness on his end, I demanded an explanation as to what was going on. He called me and said that I was too similar to his ex wife and it scared him. I think he thought I was too insecure like her, but I think I had every right to feel that way, right?? Anyway, he went on to say that he wanted to spend time getting to know himself. I was hurt, but I wished him well. Still, nothing was adding up and something didn't sit right with me. I decided to 'investigate' a little further and I came across a photo of him with the same girl at one of his family functions. Mind you, it was the day after I had been hanging out with him at his house and he was being quite affectionate with me. I didn't want to read too much into it as he said they were just friends, however they looked rather close in the photo. Then I saw that he was making comments on her photos which indicated that he definitely liked her, so I decided to remove him off all social media for my own sanity. Curiosity was killing me, so I decided to look at her Instagram profile last night and saw a picture of them together which basically confirms that there is definitely something going on. I guess all I can say is that I'm just really hurt. I feel like this has happened to me before and I'm sure it happens to many people. But I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm just a stepping stone for someone until they get to where they need to be. I don't understand it. And it frustrates me that I've been single for so long, yet someone like him can find love instantly. It makes no sense. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 10, 2017 Posted September 10, 2017 I feel you. I was with someone I liked a few years ago, he dropped me because he was trying to get over someone else. Then he took up with someone else and married her. Of course I'm not alone, neither are you or anyone else who is on this forum or otherwise in the world. It's what it is. Karma? Suffering for the sake of suffering? A world of horror stories? A combination of things. We are all in this together yet alone.
hercules22 Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 Happens to all of us people always get used then they always come with excuses to let you down easier but it is never easy , people always get hurt in some way dating can be pain in the ass sometimes
grays Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 I'm sorry! That's such a ****ty feeling. I've been there, too. I think when things go down that way, you really aren't meant for each other and if he hadn't realized it first you would have in a few weeks or months. Time heals all wounds.
kendahke Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 (edited) Then he explained that she was a very good friend who was married to someone he was close to, but he died a few years ago. yet someone like him can find love instantly. It makes no sense. This didn't happen all of a sudden... for him, at least. You were just the last to know what was afoot. He's been waiting on her to get through her mourning before starting his chase of her and before he met you. Unfortunately, it looks like he was using you as a means to mark time til she was done grieving her late husband. I'm not sure why he explained the story He was putting you on notice that his monkey branch had appeared. Edited September 11, 2017 by kendahke 1
ChatroomHero Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 Still, nothing was adding up and something didn't sit right with me. I decided to 'investigate' a little further ... so I decided to remove him off all social media for my own sanity. ... But I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm just a stepping stone for someone until they get to where they need to be...yet someone like him can find love instantly. It makes no sense. A couple things I noticed that I think you should focus on: 1. You don't sound like a stepping stone to me, you sound savvy, proactive and not willing to settle for someone treating you poorly because you are blinded by love. That's a pretty good thing. 2. Do you think he really found love? You sound like you think he is successful but you are missing the situation. He just got divorced = fail. He screwed over a relationship with you = fail. He was seeing you while seeing his new "love" at the same time = fail. He has a history of failure from what I see, I am not sure you should really envy what you 'think' he has because I bet he doesn't have it. He more likely has a path of future misery and failure. How long would his love for you last if he chose you anyway? Longer than his last divorce, longer than his relationship with her...etc. Focus on the positive. You were smart and took care of yourself. You don't have to deal with the anguish of wondering or dealing with the stress of him being a with you and being a general db. He's failed at relationships, you don't have to endure him failing you. Instead of envying the other girl, you should probably pity her. 4
JADIE Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 A couple things I noticed that I think you should focus on: 1. You don't sound like a stepping stone to me, you sound savvy, proactive and not willing to settle for someone treating you poorly because you are blinded by love. That's a pretty good thing. 2. Do you think he really found love? You sound like you think he is successful but you are missing the situation. He just got divorced = fail. He screwed over a relationship with you = fail. He was seeing you while seeing his new "love" at the same time = fail. He has a history of failure from what I see, I am not sure you should really envy what you 'think' he has because I bet he doesn't have it. He more likely has a path of future misery and failure. How long would his love for you last if he chose you anyway? Longer than his last divorce, longer than his relationship with her...etc. Focus on the positive. You were smart and took care of yourself. You don't have to deal with the anguish of wondering or dealing with the stress of him being a with you and being a general db. He's failed at relationships, you don't have to endure him failing you. Instead of envying the other girl, you should probably pity her. Where's the "love" button? I want to hit it a million times or so. 2
Lauradlou Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 I am sorry about your situation. I think it is best if you distance yourself and move on. He is not in a place for a healthy relationship with you and there is no need for you to settle. I would suggest finding things you enjoy and making new friends along the way. A relationship will come at the right time! I will pray for you to find healing and peace.
preraph Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Here's what I'm boiling down to. He had this existing woman. He's using his somewhat recent breakup as an excuse for not seeming all in. He's telling you his ex and you have the same problem which is being jealous, deflecting blame. I think he just wants to juggle women and he's looking for two he can keep a little bit at arm's length with no expectations so that he can do it and he gets defensive and deflect blame when you react like a normal woman would. So he's not the guy you hoped he was. There are quite a few guys out there who just want someone mild they won't call them on stuff. Want no obligations ,which is fairly predictable after they have been tied down for a while assuming they ever have really been tied down. He's not looking for keeper at this time.
Sara1989 Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 This didn't happen all of a sudden... for him, at least. You were just the last to know what was afoot. He's been waiting on her to get through her mourning before starting his chase of her and before he met you. Unfortunately, it looks like he was using you as a means to mark time til she was done grieving her late husband. He was putting you on notice that his monkey branch had appeared. THIS. Its nothing to do with you, you were just someone he was passing the time with till the woman he knew before you and was really interested in was ready. He is an total ******* for using you like this. But any guy who talks about his ex should be an red flag and NEXT. I hope you feel bit better knowing it is nothing to do with you or choosing. He had already chosen her, you were just a passing fad...(he is an dick)
Miss Spider Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) Sorry this happened.women often stick around thinking that they can change the way a man feels even when they aren't getting what they want. It shows you don't value yourself. Men know relatively early what they want with you and the future promises don't mean anything. It's what they do now. I think this almost always happens. A guy goes through a phase where he uses women as stepping stones to move past the emotional baggage of his last relationship until it is cleared. And then he starts fresh with someone new. Don't get involved with men who are fresh out of ltrs and present a whole slew of red flags and you'll be less likely to have this problem Edited September 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough
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