Seem to be coming across same issue

[spiderowl]

I seem to be coming across this same issue and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I should know better by now but I'm too soft-hearted and don't like hurting people.

 

I've been on a few dates recently. In each case, after a while, I have come to the conclusion I don't feel enough chemistry to pursue it. Feeling a real connection matters to me. I am, however, a good listener and good at putting people at their ease even though I am quite shy myself. The problem is that where I am deciding I don't feel enough chemistry and connection, they are coming to the opposite conclusion. This is very awkward.

 

I've talked with these guys about how much a connection matters to me and they nearly always say they feel we get on so well and have a great connection. They are pleased and either assume I feel the same way or ask me if I feel 'it' too. What am I supposed to say, after an evening of talking and apparently getting on well? To a certain extent, we are getting on well because of my social skills or because I am skilled at keeping conversation relaxed and interesting. I am finding it exhausting though. I am giving these dates a real chance as they start out with feeling mutual liking and a connection but then I just lose interest.

 

So this has happened twice in the past few weeks. In the first case, the guy wants to meet up again and feels we get on really well - we do but I do not feel he's right for me. I don't know what to say. I can't really say we do not get on well because we do. I just do not feel romantically inclined, or at least not enough for anything more than occasional meet-ups as I would with a friend. Same with second guy. He's from another culture and our communication has been good because we have both been patient in trying to understand each other. Again, he feels we are doing really well and I'm just feeling a bit exhausted. I'm not feeling the chemistry.

 

I am seriously thinking I need to stop dating. I don't want to mess anyone around and hate having to dash someone's hopes if they are under the illusion we are getting on so well. Is this usual? I am getting very disheartened.

Edited September 10, 2017 by spiderowl

[HarmonyDriven]

Maybe you just need a break from dating, maybe a month, give or take? Just so you can collect your thoughts, figure out what you really want/don't want.

 

I get the chemistry thing but maybe you are setting yourself up for failure in the chemistry department from the get go? Only you can answer this.

 

As far as telling the guys.....be honest. They may not like it now but should appreciate your honesty for not stringing them along.

 

It's a jungle out there!

[GemmaUK]

Just tell them you're not romantically interested.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I suppose I'm not romantically interested but I didn't know that initially. Things just seem to go that way when I feel the connection is limited or that they are going to be hard work. One guy who liked me ended up doing most of the talking because he didn't ask me many question and then, when he did, tended to turn the convo back to himself. I just started to feel it was one-sided after a while, with me listening to him and his problems where mine feelings didn't really matter. I really didn't want to be dealing with someone else's problems from early on like that. I feel I want someone supportive rather than someone who is taking up my energy. I suppose that sounds really selfish.

[Popsicle]

So, I suppose that in the past you've had these men with super bright/social/charming personalities, and that has been how you think a connection is made with a man?

 

Really think about how you've made a "connection" with men in the past. More than likely it was due to you being physically attracted to how they looked, OR from being friends first and spending a lot of time talking before any dates or anything romantic was expected.

 

You are probably using the wrong method of dating -OLD, which has expectations of romantic interest and dates first and foremost.

[spiderowl]

Thanks Popsicle, you've got a point there. I've actually met more people through online dating than from mingling socially. I think because I tend to back off from guys socially for fear of them getting too attached (if I am not feeling great attraction). I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Maybe it's time I called it a day and resigned myself to being alone. I don't want to hurt people.

[Popsicle]

Thanks Popsicle, you've got a point there. I've actually met more people through online dating than from mingling socially. I think because I tend to back off from guys socially for fear of them getting too attached (if I am not feeling great attraction). I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Maybe it's time I called it a day and resigned myself to being alone. I don't want to hurt people.

 

I hear you and understand. I have a friend who can do this all day and night. She does not even feel a twinge of guilt. I wish I was like her. She definitely has more fun than me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes, I suppose I'm not romantically interested but I didn't know that initially. Things just seem to go that way when I feel the connection is limited or that they are going to be hard work. One guy who liked me ended up doing most of the talking because he didn't ask me many question and then, when he did, tended to turn the convo back to himself. I just started to feel it was one-sided after a while, with me listening to him and his problems where mine feelings didn't really matter. I really didn't want to be dealing with someone else's problems from early on like that. I feel I want someone supportive rather than someone who is taking up my energy. I suppose that sounds really selfish.

 

Not selfish at all. I typically have very good dates. Sometimes it's easy to identify why I would not be interested, but other times, not so easy. Some relationships or personality types seem a little 'energy-sucking.' I suspect that I may be one. I have very high energy, enthusiasm and can be come across a little overwhelming for some. Most people want to just sit back and relax, but I am passionate and looking for the same. I often see/hear many people wanting the same, but the reality is that that is only their initial, expressed desire and most usually just want someone to 'relax' with eventually.

 

It's one thing to get along, but having no romantic feelings is very important and cannot be ignored. You're looking for a romantic relationship, not another exhausting relationship that takes you nowhere near that. Tell them that as much as you enjoy their company, it is not romantic and that is what you are looking for. That's all.

[act00]

One thing you have to do is resolve yourself to the fact that you're going to hurt these men. You simply can't get out of this unscathed. If you're not feeling it, and you don't wish to continue the relationship, you have to tell them. It's going to hurt and you're going to feel like dirt because of it, but there really is no way around that.

 

It certainly doesn't hurt to take a break from dating for awhile if the whole situation is causing a lot of stress. You don't necessarily attract the right kinds of people when your mental state is a bit off kilter. Take a "mental health day" and recharge. It seems like the men coming into your life are coming in at full force and slathering you with their devotion, but you're also telling them how important this connection is, and they're slathering you with how committed and connected they feel. Maybe you're projecting an intensity that they're mirroring, subconsciously.

 

Everyone wants and expects that connection. It's that "chemistry" we all speak of. It's not something that needs to be said out loud, really. It's a common goal for anyone that is looking at finding a long term, committed relationship, so I don't know that you really need to define it or explain it or educate these men about it. Your only explanation is that you're seeking long-term commitment, not casual dating or FWB or hookups. Then relax and enjoy the ride. If you're just not feeling it with someone, you'll have to cut them loose. It will hurt. That's just the way the ball bounces..

[Dis]

Ohh girl, dont throw in the towel just because you have to reject some guys

 

Thats part of the game. Everyone gets rejected some time or another.

 

I hate rejecting guys too. I've been rejected. It sucks but thats just the way dating works

 

Seeing as this is a pattern, maybe try to get to know these guys a little more before throwing in the towel

 

As long as you're not replused and theres a baseline attraction there... you'd be surprised what can happen

[mortensorchid]

I have questioned the universe as well as to how/ why it's so easy for others but not me as it seems. Lack of chemistry is one thing but. It must be something else. I don't tell my whole life story at the first meeting. If anything I have been accused of talking too much and letting a relationship be one sided. So I stopped doing that and became more silent to ask that person more questions about them. Does it work? Not particularly. Many say they have nothing to say when I do that or talk about me anyway.

 

Let it be. I have no answer nor does anyone else.

[spiderowl]

Thanks everyone. I don't like hurting people. They always seem to say how well we get on and how we can talk easily and share. This is good but it is not always my perception. I can be having a conversation and feeling we don't have enough in common. Maybe I expect too much. After what seems like a promising start, I notice that the connection is limited - only over a few topics or something - and then start to lose interest. It's not their fault but I don't feel chemistry if conversation seemed restricted to a few common areas. I am really tired of feeling I am getting nowhere and maybe just causing pain.

[olivetree]

Thanks everyone. I don't like hurting people. They always seem to say how well we get on and how we can talk easily and share. This is good but it is not always my perception. I can be having a conversation and feeling we don't have enough in common. Maybe I expect too much. After what seems like a promising start, I notice that the connection is limited - only over a few topics or something - and then start to lose interest. It's not their fault but I don't feel chemistry if conversation seemed restricted to a few common areas. I am really tired of feeling I am getting nowhere and maybe just causing pain.

 

I can relate to this and your opening post.

Both to people feeling a one-sided connection and feeling we have more in common than we do.

You're probably a a sensitive person.

 

I think they feel connected because you show interest in other people as humans, and you may also have a more complex personality.

You probably have many layers to you.

They see your top layer and that is enough for them.

Put another way, it can be enough for them that you both like A, B, C, whereas you want the whole alphabet.

 

It's definitely stressful rejecting others!

Really you just have to get used to it and accept that it is a part of life and dating.

Some people are going to react badly no matter how you do it.

In the end, you're just preventing wasting each other's time.

 

Only thing you can do is to try to screen better if you're meeting guys off OLD and take breaks if you need to.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can relate to all of this <3. I chalk it up to being genuinely interested in getting to know people and hearing their stories. I'm just interested in other people even if not romantically and it can be hard if you're dating .