(Long) I have been in this weird limbo with a guy because I am an idiot or??

[friendornah]

So let me give you some background on this situation of mine.

 

2011, I meet this guy. We connect over facebook. He saw me at a concert and we had some mutual friends so we connected. It was super flirty. It really seemed like we were both interested but then it kind of progressed but not really.

 

We hung out for a weekend and then after that we were basically inseparable. The best of friends, but always on the line of something more but never crossing it. Staying every weekend together, nonstop talking except occasional arguments. We were both going through really intense break ups (you know, when you're 18 and your first love dumps you).

 

Nothing ever happened though. It was weird. Neither of us dated anyone else that entire year we were super close. He would constantly make jokes about how I was the one he was gonna marry and we'd "confess" our feelings for each other but then the other would act like it was a joke and then we'd end up taking it back. Don't judge lol, we were fresh out of high school)

 

Here's the thing though, he had this side to him where he would get in these really depressive states and would turn a little reclusive. He would tell me that he was in a bad state of mind and that he would "always come back" and that he would never disappear out of my life for good.

 

This continued until one weekend we hung out and it was literally the best weekend. We actually seemed to be connecting on a slightly romantic level (although still, nothing happened besides cuddling) then he went home and I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. Always super short, and sometimes a little mean. When I did, I found out his dad had died and he was going to the army.

 

He left. We wrote letters. Eventually, I started dating someone and so did he shortly after. We really fell off for a few months, then we'd start talking again and it was always like nothing changed.

 

Then I got into my last relationship in 2013 and it lasted up until this year. Also, he came back from the military, as his 4 years were up. We had maintained a distant friendship, where we would periodicially spark up a conversation and text for a few weeks. Never anything flirty, really as I had a boyfriend. He would always kind of disappear or I would disappear.

 

Here's the thing: my relationship was terrible. It was abusive and I would occasionally open up to him about it and then immediately take it back and drop him because I'd feel immensely guilty because, you know, "my boyfriend is a really good guy. We just get in bad arguments". I would always feel the need to gush about my boyfriend or post a picture with him, to alleivate my feelings for guilt. Shady on my part, I know.

 

About a year ago though, he really reached out to me. He sent me a picture of a letter I had written him in 2012 and we never stopped talking after that (except like a week or two here and there). It got to where we were talking every day all day and my relationship was rapidly going downward. Emotional abuse eventually escalated to physical and I ended things.

 

Here's the kicker though I still had to live with my abusive ex.

 

One day my friend traveled out of the country (at this point we still hadn't seen each other in years) and then showed up at my work with a souvenir he had got me.

 

This lead to my friend and I hanging out. I would have to hide it, of course. I was dealing with so much stress. I couldn't go a day without threats of suicide or being called names and I was completely trapped. None of my friends or family had any room for me. I had no way to be financially dependent.

 

He would drive in the middle of the night (he lives an hour away) and hang out, just to ride around. We got a hotel at a tourist area nearby and got drunk and talked all night. He didn't make a move though. He would constantly talk about how he was ready to get his life together to settle down with "the right one". He'll have conversations with me about how he wants his family life to be etc, just weird stuff you'd expect someone to talk about in serious relationships. We would hang out mutiple times a week and talk about old times.

 

He offered me a place to stay, but he said it causally and I really didn't want to risk moving things too fast and I didn't want to impose on him anyway. Shortly after he dropped off again, but he also started going the career he wanted but then that didn't work out as planned. He basically vanished from social media and I had very good reason to believe he wasn't even talking to his brother. He disappeared for like a month or so and then came back and told me he had officially started college.

 

Then he started visiting me at work more (his college is in the same town as me) and then took me to a movie where he paid. This entire time though, besides randomly flirty conversations that would "jokingly" turn sexual, ALWAYS just friends, like he made nooo moves whatsoever. The closest thing to a move would probably be really offhanded compliments that I would hardly catch on to. We went and got lunch, etc. Stuff that SHOULD be a date, but never ever comes of it.

 

Oddly though, after every single hang out, he disappears for a week or so. Or at least when things really start to be going good. He'll act sorta aloof and I really just don't get it.

 

He does stuff like wait 2 hours in his car for me to get off work so he can ride with me to run an errand that's an hour away, and then not text me for a day or two afterwards.

 

It would make sense if he was trying to have sex with me, or if it was a normal "talking" situation. I've been single now for about 6 months. He doesn't know that I still live with my ex (things have improved, as he has accepted that we really truly are just friends) but I am about to move out for good. Also, I haven't lied to him about it. He just doesn't ask and I don't want to seem like I'm bringing my ex up.

 

Honestly, I don't even know if I'm really ready to start a relationship with him, just because I feel such a deep sense of connection with him that it is scary. Maybe if he wasn't doing this, I would be. I don't know. Maybe I'm romanticizing the issue because of my history with him, but it's one of those cheesy "when you know, you know" except... I don't know like I don't know if it's just me. I don't feel like that's the case when we talk or we're together. It's just shady that he backs away when things go super well.

 

I've analyzed this situation way too much and I've come up with a few theories.

• He's nervous about making a move and doesn't want to become so close to me again that he's "friend zoned" so he plays games.
  
• I'm a dummy who is just romanticizing it when he's really just messing around with me because he's bored but he just hasn't been bold enough to make a move.
  
• My past actions have lead him to be wary of me.
  
• He feels the same but he's either unsure if he wants to be committed to someone or have fun, or he's geniunely trying to get his life together before he starts anything serious.
  

 

I want to bring this up to him, but I don't know how to do it without scaring him and is there really any reason to yet? Would it be weird considering we've never actually talked about dating? What would even be a way to bring it up without sounding like "hey, so I'm wondering when you're gonna ask me to be your wife??"

[bummer]

Honestly, I don't even know if I'm really ready to start a relationship with him, just because I feel such a deep sense of connection with him that it is scary.

 

What would even be a way to bring it up without sounding like "hey, so I'm wondering when you're gonna ask me to be your wife??"

 

He's got depression. Has he dated since high school? Is he over his ex?

 

First, figure out for yourself if you got romantic and lost the friendship, would that be worth it?

 

If yes, then I would start chasing him. Ask him when he's gonna make you his wife! It's silly but direct and if you share a close bond already the ice melted years ago and you just need to signal to him so he knows the coast is clear. All 4 of your list possibilities hint at his anxiety, shyness, or insecurity. Help him out!

 

If no, well, I'd still ask him when he's going to make you his wife anyways as a joke.

Edited September 10, 2017 by bummer

[friendornah]

He's got depression. Has he dated since high school? Is he over his ex?

 

First, figure out for yourself if you got romantic and lost the friendship, would that be worth it?

 

If yes, then I would start chasing him. Ask him when he's gonna make you his wife! It's silly but direct and if you share a close bond already the ice melted years ago and you just need to signal to him so he knows the coast is clear. All 4 of your list possibilities hint at his anxiety, shyness, or insecurity. Help him out!

 

If no, well, I'd still ask him when he's going to make you his wife anyways as a joke.

 

That's the thing though lol, we've jokingly talked about it enough that you'd think he'd already know the coast is clear. I can't imagine doesn't know how I feel at this point, but it's like something is holding him back. We haven't talked since we hung out Friday. We hang out and then he disappears for a few days-week. That's what throws me off.

 

He has dated since his ex and I know he's over her but he seems like he hasn't been a good boyfriend since her so maybe he's scared of the hurt he felt when they broke up? I really don't know.

[friendornah]

Slight update: we hung out again. I just went over to his house and we sat outside and talked for hours. I met his mom and now nothing really. He hasn't had much of a conversation in days, so no progress was made. It's just the same although he did express interest in hanging out when I officially move out (which will be soon). At this point, I really can't decide if there's even anything there or if he's just stringing me along (although can it even be called that when nothing has happened beyond flirting playfully and hanging out pretty platonically).