Always follow your gut instinct

[trustyourself]

The weakest thing of all... if I'm honest;

Is that I am feeling guilty now. Like it's all my fault.

I must have pushed her away so she went to these other guys to try and move on and then lied and deceived me about it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings

How F***** up is that?

 

This is a normal part of the healing process. I had exactly the same feelings and thoughts after my breakup. Its a sign of a toxic relationship for sure. Never mind the torture of being broken up with, they spin it in such a way that you question your part in it.

 

What you need to remember is that your part in it was tiny. They are the toxic one. They are the ones too selfish and narcissistic to treat us with respect, loyalty and honesty.

 

I blamed myself for certain things after the breakup. But after some hindsight, while I realize my insecurities did not help, they were a product of her behavior. She was the reason I could not trust her, and she never changed a thing to resolve it. If anything she continued to erode the trust over and over. It takes two to fix it, and our ladies had no interest in doing so. All they care about is themselves.

 

Use that to let go. I am still on my journey in doing so. I am months and months in and I still think about her constantly. I still break down at least once a month. I think she will always be the one that got away (at least until I meet someone who blows her away), but honestly? I am getting to the point where I now know it was never going to work. Do I wish it could of? Every day..

[Vanity1]

But you knew she had a fiancee, what made you think you were special?

[lostinanotherplace]

This is a normal part of the healing process. I had exactly the same feelings and thoughts after my breakup. Its a sign of a toxic relationship for sure. Never mind the torture of being broken up with, they spin it in such a way that you question your part in it.

 

What you need to remember is that your part in it was tiny. They are the toxic one. They are the ones too selfish and narcissistic to treat us with respect, loyalty and honesty.

 

I blamed myself for certain things after the breakup. But after some hindsight, while I realize my insecurities did not help, they were a product of her behavior. She was the reason I could not trust her, and she never changed a thing to resolve it. If anything she continued to erode the trust over and over. It takes two to fix it, and our ladies had no interest in doing so. All they care about is themselves.

 

Use that to let go. I am still on my journey in doing so. I am months and months in and I still think about her constantly. I still break down at least once a month. I think she will always be the one that got away (at least until I meet someone who blows her away), but honestly? I am getting to the point where I now know it was never going to work. Do I wish it could of? Every day..

 

Your story sounds very similar to mine. What happened with you?

[lostinanotherplace]

Days after NC she texted me last night to answer an email that I sent her on DDay to angrily say she never lied and that I am the s****y person not her...

she tried to call me once aswell but I ignored the call and text...

It was really difficult not to reply because I wanted to point out where I know she lied, but I knew it was pointless because she is never going to admit anything now...

Edited September 11, 2017 by lostinanotherplace

[Marc878]

You projected your feelings of love onto her but that's not what she was feeling.

 

With all the red flags and multiple cheating that took place she never manipulated you. You manipulated yourself.

 

Hopefully you'll learn from this and never be someone's doormat again.

 

As for closure get totally out of your denial of who she is.

 

She's shown you and now told you. Believe it.

 

Women like this aren't worth the time you spent on posting about it.

[trustyourself]

Your story sounds very similar to mine. What happened with you?

 

Not quite the same, but my ex had a similar MO. We always had trust issues as she would text her ex telling him that she missed him etc which I caught her out on.

 

Gave her a chance, but the trust was gone.We broke up twice because of it.

 

The last time we got back together, she went away on vacation and got real distant and broke up with me a few days after getting back. Blamed it on us being too broken and that her parents did not approve of us. Pretty sure she cheated on me after a guy she met on the vacation posted a pic of them on his social media after the breakup. She denied it of course.

 

Its funny. I still miss her, but honestly, I had blinders on.

 

Now I wonder if she was f'ing anyone else while we were together.

 

I suppose I will never know. Honestly, she was 23 when I met her, and had never spent much time single. I wish I had let her go the first time we broke up over her lying. Then she could have had the freedom she so clearly wanted.

 

Live and learn I guess.

[lostinanotherplace]

After days of NC I messaged her

I know it was stupid but I had many things I needed to say before I could move on.

But I regret it now because she'll ignore it and I've set myself back another week now

[lostinanotherplace]

As an update:

I broke NC to text her one last message explaining that I know she lied and cheated and I wrote a kind goodbye saying thank you for the time we had together and I hope you find happiness.

 

People reading this are probably doing facepalms but I don't want to hold onto any hate.

 

I had my final say and I'll move on now with improving myself and NC

[BryanSmiley]

Tell you what, I often feel some people are too harsh and pessimistic on the health and chances of a relationship etc. on here.

 

But OP, your first sentence:

 

"When I first met her I fell in love straight away. She was exactly my type. she had a fiancé at the time but we had sex the first night and met each other nearly everyday night. The first red flag was she wasn't breaking up with her fiancé. "

 

Dude, the first red flag was, she had a fiancee. As a person supposedly committed to a future marriage with her partner, she was willing to cheat on him the first day of meeting someone.

 

How on earth did you not think if she was willing to cheat on a fiancee, that she wouldn't by demonstration of her morals and behavior, be willing to do the same to you?

 

Furthermore, if you knowingly slept with a women not only in a relationship but with a fiancee, your morals and thinking on all these things are severely mislead as-well.

 

Honestly, this was one of the most flabbergasting opening sentences I think I've read on the forum.

 

Oh, another red flag, you fell in love instantly. Nope, doesn't exist. I hate to sound harsh OP, but I honestly hope you are a teenager - because your perspective on relationships is severely flawed.

Edited September 12, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[FXXUP]

`lost in another place" most people do the lifespan thin without really know who they are ? me it took awhile , and happy for it.

u not lost but u just got into process of finding yourself

notice something in your narrative? EVERYTHING WAS ALL ABOUT HER ? where is YOU.

Sorry for the digression

 

your female pal{ thats what she was really} had BORDERLINE PERSONALITY

 

https://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/borderline-personality-disorder-test/

 

WHEN LOVE IS JUST A FOUR LETTER WORD - Understanding the Borderline Personality

 

 

 

NOW WHAT ARE U: not really better than an enabler,care taker,codependent same injury different outcome

 

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

 

SEE MEETING `of great minds " WASN`T THAT RANDOM ANYMORE?

 

what to do?

 

HEAL YOURSELF FIRST

get treatment u can start attending these coda meetings

Home - CoDA.org

 

STILL `love her"

ask her to start active DBT therapy , at least conditions will turn `livable" if she really`loves u" and was serious with therapy

 

ME?

 

Married one, got a divorce, next 2 girlfriends in a roll then `found myself"

 

about `still love her" even with treatment or no treatment bit:

sobering wakeup snapping outta a dream moment was like:

` sure i can survive this as i have always survived all **** BUT WHY BRING ANY KID INTO THIS MESS" . .no can`t do

hope i was helpfull

 

ooh now u gotta it it wasn`t all about selfesteem:i could go for 9,sucessfull, blah blah .but when u have a illness and u don`t even know it oooh boy!!

[FXXUP]

`lost in another place" most people do the lifespan stuff without really know who they are ? me it took awhile , and happy for it.

u not lost but u just got into process of finding yourself

notice something in your narrative? EVERYTHING WAS ALL ABOUT HER ? where is YOU.

Sorry for the digression

 

your female pal{ thats what she was really} had BORDERLINE PERSONALITY

 

https://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/borderline-personality-disorder-test/

 

WHEN LOVE IS JUST A FOUR LETTER WORD - Understanding the Borderline Personality

 

 

 

NOW WHAT ARE U: not really better than an enabler,care taker,codependent same injury different outcome

 

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

 

SEE MEETING `of great minds " WASN`T THAT RANDOM ANYMORE?

 

what to do?

 

HEAL YOURSELF FIRST

get treatment u can start attending these coda meetings

Home - CoDA.org

 

STILL `love her"

ask her to start active DBT therapy , at least conditions will turn `livable" if she really`loves u" and was serious with therapy

 

ME?

 

Married one, got a divorce, next 2 girlfriends in a roll then `found myself"

 

about `still love her" even with treatment or no treatment bit:

sobering wakeup snapping outta a dream moment was like:

` sure i can survive this as i have always survived all **** BUT WHY BRING ANY KID INTO THIS MESS" . .no can`t do

hope i was helpfull

 

ooh now u gotta it it wasn`t all about selfesteem:i could go for 9,sucessfull, blah blah .but when u have a illness and u don`t even know it oooh boy!!

[FXXUP]

As an update:

I broke NC to text her one last message explaining that I know she lied and cheated and I wrote a kind goodbye saying thank you for the time we had together and I hope you find happiness.

 

People reading this are probably doing facepalms but I don't want to hold onto any hate.

 

I had my final say and I'll move on now with improving myself and NC

 

dude

cleaning your own side of the street is cool: now do the other stuffs FOR YOURSELF

[lostinanotherplace]

She never replied to my last communication...

 

And that's ok but I've realized something. Albeit too late,

She is a compulsive liar.

 

Why on earth would I want anyone in my life who lies to my face??

Someone who can look into my eyes and lie so easily...

 

I wouldn't even want a friend like that, so why would I want a lover like that??

 

The sex was awesome, but it wasn't that awesome

 

She has done me a massive favor.

 

Let someone else have her cheating, deceitful ass because I need lies in my life like I need a hole in the head!

 

Thank you to every individual on this website who helped me or gave me advice, good or bad. You all really helped me a lot. Sometimes in life all you need is the brutal truth from a stranger to make you see things clearly!

Thank you and goodnight!!

Edited September 13, 2017 by lostinanotherplace