Guys, would you?

September 10, 2017

Of course I'll help my gf out if she needs money. I do that for friends too.

September 10, 2017

If I really needed money and my BF offers me money and asks me to sign I would feel so weird, I would just refuse to take it all together. Feels so weird for him to act like a bank.

It feels weird for him to act like a bank....yet doesn't feel weird to treat him like a bank?

If we're talking about a substantial amount of money and a person refuses to sign a contract agreeing to repay that money, they obviously aren't in desperate need of help. Beggars can't be choosers. Problem solved.

Edited September 10, 2017 by basil67

September 10, 2017

I would be unlikely to accept it unless it's very very important and I could pay it back fast. Depends how established the relationship is though. Once you start living together and putting your resources together it is different. Before that, I would keep things separate.

Like enigma was saying, some people are terrible with money and will just expect handouts. If they are genuinely in trouble and it is infrequent, I would help out. If they are stupid and have bad priorities and poor choices and do this all the time, no.

September 10, 2017

I would help definitely. Just the type of guy i am and way i been brought up. My ex gf when we started dating ( when we werent even official) i used to pay for dinners as she didnt earn as much as me. Also one point she disnt have enough for her car payment i offered to pay for that month but she refused and her father paid.

If she was my girlfriend and she wanted my help id do it without hesitation. Id put myself in debt for her

September 10, 2017

I work a lot for my money. I have noticed that the people who need money are generally not so willing to do what I do in order to get it.

The last girl I dated needed financial help due to a bunch of poor decisions she made. I don't loan money, and I didn't want to just give her handouts, so I asked her to do some things for me and I overpaid her for the work. She cleaned my house a couple times, fed my dogs, that sort of thing. I like doing things that way. Not long after, she asked me to loan her $1000 to pay her rent. I declined. She's been broke as long as I have known her, and I know she can't afford to pay me back.

I worked for a charity throughout some of 2015/16. A lot of people who are in difficulty really don't help themselves. I've witnessed it first hand, over and over, on a daily basis.

To answer your question: it would depend on how long we've been together, and what my assessment of her predicament would be.

I lean towards "no" in general. I don't ask people for things, and I don't want others asking me for money either.

Taking on a dependent/mooch for me has been a massive turn off. Women telling me how to spend my money, or trying to get involved in that has been a massive turn off too. Not what I like in a relationship at all.

September 10, 2017

Men,
Would you help your GF out financially if you've been together a while and committed and she needed the help? Assuming you make way more.

I'm asking if you would naturally offer, not her asking you for help. I got into a heated discussion with one of my close girlfriends about it. I feel like if my BF needed it and I could, I would offer to help him, she disagrees.

Women,
Would you even let him?

I am a softy I will help you.. In return I one day you would help me out when I was low on funds. But there are some women out there that wouldn't help their man and some men that won't help their women. Those are very selfish people.

September 10, 2017

Men,
Would you help your GF out financially if you've been together a while and committed and she needed the help? Assuming you make way more.

As a rule, no, but I did help my exW, fiance at the time, pay off her car when her lease came due and she wanted to buy out the lease. I think it was around five grand or so. I didn't make 'way more', but at the time was more established in my business than she was and had consistent income and a good credit rating. She couldn't effectively borrow at the time and didn't have the savings so we worked it out.

I'm asking if you would naturally offer, not her asking you for help. I got into a heated discussion with one of my close girlfriends about it. I feel like if my BF needed it and I could, I would offer to help him, she disagrees.

Yes, I did 'offer'. She didn't ask. However, after going through the marriage and divorce grinder, and being relatively poor now, I wouldn't offer again. Then again, I haven't really dated since my D so don't have practical experience to relate. I tend to donate time and skills more than money now since that's what I have. Selectively. The recipients now are generally close friend's wives I'll do projects for. They've earned that generosity over many years of loyalty and friendship. To me, that's healthy. Girlfriends, not so much. Too ambiguous.

September 10, 2017

I work a lot for my money. I have noticed that the people who need money are generally not so willing to do what I do in order to get it.

Same. Coincidental how the people who need money are usually the ones prioritizing their momentary happiness over their long term security.

I've to disagree with the first part of your post, sometimes life just goes bat**** on you, and really I don't see why you both have to be wiling to get your money the same way? Money isn't a priority for everyone,

Well it should be a priority for everyone for that exact reason. Money is currency we exchange things for. You can't pay the mortgage or medical bills in "love" or "fun." You can't trade pictures of your all inclusive weekend at Sandals for a car. It's really irresponsible to neglect your own finances in pursuit of things you like better, then make it the responsibility of someone else (who neglected those things in favor of security) to pay for you when you're in hard times. I don't bust my ass every day, night, and weekend so you can go to the beach all the time and then ask me for a handout when things don't go as planned for you. I prepared for when things go bat****, and you didn't. Why is it my responsibility to then pay for your shortsightedness??

I think it depends on what they value other than career success. Do you know what I mean? We are all willing to do more for certain things in life.

You have to lie in the bed you make. Some people trade their time for security at the expense of happiness. Some people trade their time for happiness at the expense of security. Then some of those latter people feel entitled to ask for other peoples' money like it just materialized out of nowhere somehow.

To answer your question, I probably wouldn't be dating someone who's finances were in such turmoil that she didn't have any money saved for the future. I plan ahead. I prioritize the future often at the expense of the present. I've spent years working my ass off while all my friends were out partying. I really only date people who have similar values or at least respected the work I've done. If I want to buy or give her something with the money I earned, it's my decision. She's already getting food, drinks, trips, experiences, etc all on my dime anyways.

Extenuating circumstance: I have a friend whose medical problems are so severe she can't work or do a whole lot, so I buy her things necessities every once in a while, but she never abuses the privilege.

Edited September 10, 2017 by normal person

September 10, 2017

It feels weird for him to act like a bank....yet doesn't feel weird to treat him like a bank?

If we're talking about a substantial amount of money and a person refuses to sign a contract agreeing to repay that money, they obviously aren't in desperate need of help. Beggars can't be choosers. Problem solved.

Then you didn't understand my question. My question was about the man OFERING, not the woman ASKING. There's a huge difference.

September 10, 2017

Same. Coincidental how the people who need money are usually the ones prioritizing their momentary happiness over their long term security.

Well it should be a priority for everyone for that exact reason. Money is currency we exchange things for. You can't pay the mortgage or medical bills in "love" or "fun." You can't trade pictures of your all inclusive weekend at Sandals for a car. It's really irresponsible to neglect your own finances in pursuit of things you like better, then make it the responsibility of someone else (who neglected those things in favor of security) to pay for you when you're in hard times. I don't bust my ass every day, night, and weekend so you can go to the beach all the time and then ask me for a handout when things don't go as planned for you. I prepared for when things go bat****, and you didn't. Why is it my responsibility to then pay for your shortsightedness??

You have to lie in the bed you make. Some people trade their time for security at the expense of happiness. Some people trade their time for happiness at the expense of security. Then some of those latter people feel entitled to ask for other peoples' money like it just materialized out of nowhere somehow.

To answer your question, I probably wouldn't be dating someone who's finances were in such turmoil that she didn't have any money saved for the future. I plan ahead. I prioritize the future often at the expense of the present. I've spent years working my ass off while all my friends were out partying. I really only date people who have similar values or at least respected the work I've done. If I want to buy or give her something with the money I earned, it's my decision. She's already getting food, drinks, trips, experiences, etc all on my dime anyways.

Extenuating circumstance: I have a friend whose medical problems are so severe she can't work or do a whole lot, so I buy her things necessities every once in a while, but she never abuses the privilege.

Wow, that's almost a rant! And I'm curious to know how do you pick to date with savings? Do you ask that on the first date??

I still disagree though. Things like death of a parent, loss of a job, divorce, medical bills.. she could have savings and these things would wipe it clean.

Also I feel a bit attacked you boldig YOU for me

September 10, 2017

Also I feel a bit attacked you boldig YOU for me

I don't think he meant you personally. He was talking to the generic 'you'.

I would help a SO, or family and close friends with money. I don't have any friends or (ex) partners who I didn't trust that they'd pay me back once they had money again.

September 10, 2017

I don't think he meant you personally. He was talking to the generic 'you'.

I would help a SO, or family and close friends with money. I don't have any friends or (ex) partners who I didn't trust that they'd pay me back once they had money again.

I know, I was teasing him

September 10, 2017

Wow, that's almost a rant! And I'm curious to know how do you pick to date with savings? Do you ask that on the first date??

I always write too much, don't take it personally.

Usually you (and by "you" I mean the collective "we," strangely enough) know a bit about someone before dating them. People living in this area have to have a reliable source of good income to even afford it. Before I go out with someone, I at least know what they do and where they live, and you can usually infer a good amount from that. If she has a decent job and lives within reasonable distance of me, that's a good enough indication that our lifestyles match. If she commutes an hour+ from far away to work as a cashier, that's fine, but we're probably not compatible, at first glance, at least.

I still disagree though. Things like death of a parent, loss of a job, divorce, medical bills.. she could have savings and these things would wipe it clean.

What's being described here are different degrees of unpreparedness and "less good" (I hesitate to say "bad") decision making. It's understandable that things happen unfortunately, but there's no sense in it being the responsibility of any other person who took precaution against the unpredictable rather than the responsibility of the person who was unprepared.

Death of a parent? That's awful, I'm sorry. But why didn't your parent save any money? They had a whole lifetime to do it. Presumably they prioritized other things over preparedness. When my parent died, my sibling and I inherited the money they saved because they lived well below their means and prioritized their childrens' security over their own happiness. If your parent was old and you knew death was inevitable, why didn't you/they plan for it? My living parent has a file for me to open upon their death that consolidates all the pertinent information needed and simplifies all the legal things that need to be taken care of.

Loss of a job? That's awful, I'm sorry. But why didn't you make yourself more valuable at your company, or why didn't you foresee the changing of the industry and prepare yourself? Why didn't you stash money away for the unexpected instead blowing it all on frivolous things? Why didn't you study more in school to get a more secure job? Why did you allow yourself to be at the mercy of someone else (your boss)? Presumably, you prioritized other things over preparedness.

Divorce? That's awful, I'm sorry. But why weren't you more scrupulous about picking the person with whom you decide to legally bind yourself to for the rest of your life? I have sensible friends whose marriages are blissful because they're sensible, responsible, logical, and took their time to find the perfect partner. I have other friends whose marriages are awful because they were much less diligent, patient, realistic, and prepared about their partners and lives. Presumably they prioritized (supposed) love of fun over preparedness.

Yes, some people don't really care all that much about being prepared and just want to enjoy their lives. I understand. But it shouldn't be the responsibility of those who forego fun to plan for the inevitable chaos to pay for those who can't be bothered. If I'm dating a girl, yes, I will have to accept these circumstances and deal accordingly. But if she's overly reliant or doesn't respect the sacrifices I make for life to run smoother in the inevitable catastrophe, then she's not the girl for me. Life is incredibly hard and chaotic. If you don't realize that, or if you're not appropriately planning for the worst, fine, that's your decision. But it shouldn't be the responsibility of everyone who did plan ahead to take care of you at their own expense.

The Lazy Little Squirrel who refused to gather nuts, a parable about incentives to work

If you have a sense of obligation and personal responsibility and have just caught a bad break, I can sympathize. But if you don't have any responsibility, or if you don't respect that of others, then it might be a problem for you.

The question becomes how much reliance and dependence you're willing to deal with in a partner to enjoy their company, and on the other end, how much of a no-fun, hard ass, penny pinching miser are they willing to deal with for your security? For most people, I imagine there's a happy medium that needs to be determined. Everyone has different boundaries.

September 10, 2017

I'm a woman, but I'm going to answer the question anyway .

In my last relationship, which lasted 10 months, I loaned him a large sum of money. I offered because I was in a position to be able to do it, and I trusted him 100% to pay me back even if we broke up, which we did, and he is paying me back regularly as promised. We've had no issues with it at all, but he's a man of his word in every way so I knew we wouldn't. Still, we drew up an agreement that we both signed, etc. (That was his idea to protect me). Definitely key if you're going to lend her or anyone else money and expect to get it back!

September 10, 2017

I'm a woman, but I'm going to answer the question anyway .

In my last relationship, which lasted 10 months, I loaned him a large sum of money. I offered because I was in a position to be able to do it, and I trusted him 100% to pay me back even if we broke up, which we did, and he is paying me back regularly as promised. We've had no issues with it at all, but he's a man of his word in every way so I knew we wouldn't. Still, we drew up an agreement that we both signed, etc. (That was his idea to protect me). Definitely key if you're going to lend her or anyone else money and expect to get it back!

What did he need it for?

September 10, 2017

What did he need it for?

His divorce settlement. He was really not wanting to have to pay her monthly installments because he just wanted to be rid of her because of everything she'd done to him (including ruining his credit), and I understood that because I would not have wanted to have that monthly reminder either if the divorce was not my choice or my fault. I don't regret it. He's a good guy even if he is the biggest Eeyore I've ever met (which is kinda why we broke up lol).

September 10, 2017

His divorce settlement. He was really not wanting to have to pay her monthly installments because he just wanted to be rid of her because of everything she'd done to him (including ruining his credit), and I understood that because I would not have wanted to have that monthly reminder either if the divorce was not my choice or my fault. I don't regret it. He's a good guy even if he is the biggest Eeyore I've ever met (which is kinda why we broke up lol).

Oh were you guys dating while he was still going through a divorce!? Also, thats like the coolest way to cool anyone an a$$! Well done!

September 10, 2017

His divorce settlement. He was really not wanting to have to pay her monthly installments because he just wanted to be rid of her because of everything she'd done to him (including ruining his credit), and I understood that because I would not have wanted to have that monthly reminder either if the divorce was not my choice or my fault. I don't regret it. He's a good guy even if he is the biggest Eeyore I've ever met (which is kinda why we broke up lol).

Out of context but why u brreak up. Why is he eeyore?

September 10, 2017

I always write too much, don't take it personally.

Usually you (and by "you" I mean the collective "we," strangely enough) know a bit about someone before dating them. People living in this area have to have a reliable source of good income to even afford it. Before I go out with someone, I at least know what they do and where they live, and you can usually infer a good amount from that. If she has a decent job and lives within reasonable distance of me, that's a good enough indication that our lifestyles match. If she commutes an hour+ from far away to work as a cashier, that's fine, but we're probably not compatible, at first glance, at least.

What's being described here are different degrees of unpreparedness and "less good" (I hesitate to say "bad") decision making. It's understandable that things happen unfortunately, but there's no sense in it being the responsibility of any other person who took precaution against the unpredictable rather than the responsibility of the person who was unprepared.

Death of a parent? That's awful, I'm sorry. But why didn't your parent save any money? They had a whole lifetime to do it. Presumably they prioritized other things over preparedness. When my parent died, my sibling and I inherited the money they saved because they lived well below their means and prioritized their childrens' security over their own happiness. If your parent was old and you knew death was inevitable, why didn't you/they plan for it? My living parent has a file for me to open upon their death that consolidates all the pertinent information needed and simplifies all the legal things that need to be taken care of.

Loss of a job? That's awful, I'm sorry. But why didn't you make yourself more valuable at your company, or why didn't you foresee the changing of the industry and prepare yourself? Why didn't you stash money away for the unexpected instead blowing it all on frivolous things? Why didn't you study more in school to get a more secure job? Why did you allow yourself to be at the mercy of someone else (your boss)? Presumably, you prioritized other things over preparedness.

Divorce? That's awful, I'm sorry. But why weren't you more scrupulous about picking the person with whom you decide to legally bind yourself to for the rest of your life? I have sensible friends whose marriages are blissful because they're sensible, responsible, logical, and took their time to find the perfect partner. I have other friends whose marriages are awful because they were much less diligent, patient, realistic, and prepared about their partners and lives. Presumably they prioritized (supposed) love of fun over preparedness.

Yes, some people don't really care all that much about being prepared and just want to enjoy their lives. I understand. But it shouldn't be the responsibility of those who forego fun to plan for the inevitable chaos to pay for those who can't be bothered. If I'm dating a girl, yes, I will have to accept these circumstances and deal accordingly. But if she's overly reliant or doesn't respect the sacrifices I make for life to run smoother in the inevitable catastrophe, then she's not the girl for me. Life is incredibly hard and chaotic. If you don't realize that, or if you're not appropriately planning for the worst, fine, that's your decision. But it shouldn't be the responsibility of everyone who did plan ahead to take care of you at their own expense.

The Lazy Little Squirrel who refused to gather nuts, a parable about incentives to work

If you have a sense of obligation and personal responsibility and have just caught a bad break, I can sympathize. But if you don't have any responsibility, or if you don't respect that of others, then it might be a problem for you.

The question becomes how much reliance and dependence you're willing to deal with in a partner to enjoy their company, and on the other end, how much of a no-fun, hard ass, penny pinching miser are they willing to deal with for your security? For most people, I imagine there's a happy medium that needs to be determined. Everyone has different boundaries.

I respect what you said really, but still don't personally agree. It's too black and white and things aren't always that simple or clear cut. Not everything bad that happens is because someone slacked off on something. That's just me though, I like to really understand and put myself in people's shoes. It's so easy to say that would never happen to me cause I did A and B, then you'll get hit by C before you even know it.

I get though that people rationalize things differently, that's fine.

September 10, 2017

Oh were you guys dating while he was still going through a divorce!? Also, thats like the coolest way to cool anyone an a$$! Well done!

Yes. I met him after they had filed but before it was finalized. It took a long time because they couldn't agree on an amount (even though neither of them are wealthy! There was just a second property to argue about).

So, I do not regret loaning him the money, but I do regret getting into a relationship with someone who was not yet divorced because he was really not ready emotionally....not over the ex, still angry, resentful, feeling sorry for himself, etc. I won't do that again.

September 10, 2017

Out of context but why u brreak up. Why is he eeyore?

He's just a "woe is me" kind of person. About everything, big and small. Glass half empty. It got tiring to constantly feel like his therapist and try to cheer him up.

September 10, 2017

He's just a "woe is me" kind of person. About everything, big and small. Glass half empty. It got tiring to constantly feel like his therapist and try to cheer him up.

Ugh. Sounds like a boner killer. I just lost mine reading this.

September 10, 2017

Then you didn't understand my question. My question was about the man OFERING, not the woman ASKING. There's a huge difference.

So how about if he says "I can loan you $5,000 but I would need you to sign a contract"?

Edited to add more context:

I understand placing high value in integrity. When I was married the first time, if he had wanted me to sign a prenup, I would have seen it as a show of lack of trust in my integrity. Indeed, when we broke up, I took only what I brought in plus appreciation calculated on a pro-rata basis. I know I also risked my own finances without a prenup, but I was at a place in life where I could take the risk.

However, 25 years later I am a mother. If I was to find myself widowed, I would be quite well situated financially. No matter what happens and who I am with, my children will always be the majority beneficiaries of my estate. I cannot risk their future by not having a pre-nup in place with a potential new husband.

Integrity is good. But sometimes reality becomes a higher priority.

Edited September 10, 2017 by basil67

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