Author guy45 Posted September 11, 2017 Author Posted September 11, 2017 I know the whole dating thing just takes patience as frustrating as it may be not meeting the right person right away. I did have a relationship before, and I can tell you that when I had my first date with her the humor was much less, and the conversations were more meaningful. I don't think the problem is that I joke around too much, I think the problem is that the other person doesn't allow for more meaningful conversations. I did ask her about previous relationships, but afterwards she never asked me and the conversation just went back to jokes. I really don't believe there's anything wrong with my personality. There's plenty of rude/boring people out there that make relationships work/get married.
kazen Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 Can't help but feel painful about this since she was everything I've wanted. This is the problem. After one date you immediately think she is everything you wanted. How well do you get to know someone after one date? You all falling over someone you barely know. That sends a signal to women you're easy catch. Most women want a man that they have to work to get his interest.
5x5 Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 I did ask her about previous relationships, but afterwards she never asked me and the conversation just went back to jokes. If she can't even be bothered asking about you, she was evidently no longer interested in you. Can't help but feel painful about this since she was everything I've wanted. I can't imagine why you would think a woman who has decided you aren't for her, can fit the criteria of everything you've wanted. Any advice? Yes, try to avoid investing yourself emotionally in anyone who isn't interested in you. 1
SevenCity Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 There's good news here, actually. "These women seem to love the idea of going out" with you. Wonderful! That means you have some kind of appeal, even if only initially. I bet it is frustrating for you to be getting your hopes up though and then being let down each time a woman gives you the "let's be friends" speech. But hey, this means that if you can work on your skillset for building attraction, creating chemistry, and facilitating sexual intimacy, you will be able to keep these women around. Have you thought about buying a book about attracting women? I highly recommend 'Models' by Mark Manson, or watching some of Corey Wayne's videos on YouTube (he has a book too that is FREE on Amazon Kindle). There's not really much to lose here. You might even consider hiring a reputable dating coach if it's that much of an issue for you. Finally, as others have already said, this woman isn't worth your mental energy. I know none of us saying that can help take away your hurt right now. I can think of PLENTY of women who didn't want a second date with me, and I thought, "That was the best one I'd met in a long time, etc..." and I honestly can't remember most of their names or faces anymore today. My advice to you is to dig deeper into whatever your issue is. Buy some books about attraction and chemistry. Keep going out with as many women as you can handle so you can get more experience. Journal afterward about what went well, what could have been better, etc... and repeat. Learn from your mistakes and read up some more, then continue going out to brush up on your growing edges. Journal some more, etc... and again, repeat. If you do this seriously, if you commit to understanding this part of your life on a daily basis for the next year, I will guarantee you that your posts on this forum will go from "Date ruined my confidence" to "Help! Which one do I choose?" Hang in there, buddy. Models was a good book but Corey Wayne goes past attraction techniques. I would get both books. They helped me tremendously.
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 So basically last night I had a date with a woman I really liked. We had a great time made lots of jokes and watched a movie. At the end of the night after we both got home through text she tells me we should just be friends. Can't help but feel painful about this since she was everything I've wanted. I feel like I'll never meet anyone as good that will like me. I really don't want to end up alone or with the wrong person but apparently by the looks of it that's where my life is headed. I'm really feeling hopeless after years and years of rejection. I can get a relationship, just not with who I want. Any advice? My advice -- work on your self esteem & self confidence. One rejection by some stranger & you lost all your confidence? You don't even know this woman. It was ONE DATE. She should not have the power to undermine you this much. Her opinion is irrelevant. She's not "everything" you ever wanted. She's a woman. A mere mortal & after one date you certainly don't know her well enough to know that she's "everything." More importantly, of course you will meet somebody who is "as good" or possibly even better than her. Again, you don't know her. She doesn't walk on water. She's not smarter than Einstein & Steven Hawking combined. She didn't cure cancer & she's not Mother Teresa. In essence, you are putting her on a pedestal & that is half your problem. Women can sense something off about men like you -- the hero worship, the desire for instant intimacy, the projection of how "perfect" & "amazing" the connection is to you. It screams desperation, stage Five Cling-on and lack of conventional social boundaries. It makes women run. If you can back off & spend some time allowing the women to impress you instead of aggrandizing them you will be better off. 1
CloudyHead Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 You are young. Try to enjoy the dating process and be objective. Set aside thoughts of "is this the one?", "am I meeting my soulmate/future spouse?", etc. Those thoughts only set up expectations that cannot be matched. 1
kendahke Posted September 11, 2017 Posted September 11, 2017 I'm 25 years old she's a few years younger than me How many years, exactly?
Cobra_X Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 So basically last night I had a date with a woman I really liked. We had a great time made lots of jokes and watched a movie. At the end of the night after we both got home through text she tells me we should just be friends. You can take all this crappy advise... like a generic "improve your self esteem" or "stop putting these women on a pedestal"... ect, or you can start looking at what successful men are doing and emulate it. Did you touch her? Did you flirt with her? Did you try to kiss her? Do you know how to stop putting women on a pedestal? Do you know how to increase your confidence and be too anxious around women?
viatori patuit Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 Dude..... You are 25. Women in their 20s run everything. When people are young the ball is more often than not in a woman’s court. Wait until you are 30. By then many of the eligible guys are gone. My 20s was downright desolate compared to my 30s. When I was single in my 40s I had more dates than I could manage. Work on physical fitness, mental strength and financial stability now. The other stuff comes when that is in place. Good luck.
mortensorchid Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 I think this is a lost cause. She said she's not interested in you that way, you can't force it. So ... Move on. It's what it is.
mortensorchid Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 But I know what you mean by confidence being slayed. I am not worthy either and I have felt like that for a long time now. Things that go no where, being shot down left and right. I get thrown over for someone much trashier than me and see the nightmare that others have gone for instead. Will I ever get out? I don't know. Just keep moving forward.
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 But I know what you mean by confidence being slayed. I am not worthy either and I have felt like that for a long time now. Things that go no where, being shot down left and right. I get thrown over for someone much trashier than me and see the nightmare that others have gone for instead. Will I ever get out? I don't know. Just keep moving forward. Same here. It feels like I'll never have what I want and I don't know where I'm going wrong. Just like the Original Poster, my confidence is zilch. So yes. I empathizeX Except the last line. I don't view anyone trashier than me(I'm as trashy as it gets!!!) Nah, I just don't feel I'm better than anyone. What do you mean by 'trashier' anyway??
Romantic_Antics Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 The key is to not get discouraged as you clearly are based on your post. That will manifest itself in subtle and even very obvious ways that could end up sabotaging your dating endeavors and leaving you stuck in a rut. Stay positive, be optimistic, and be confident in yourself. That won't guarantee success, but it will definitely improve your odds and help you overcome any additional rejection you might face along the way. I do guarantee that you'll find your special someone. She's out there looking for you too. Go find her. Good luck!
CoolJoe Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Was this a first date? If so, avoid seeing a movie! Save that for later when you guys are comfortable enough to cuddle. On a first date it's awkward to try and cuddle (you're just getting to know each other) and speaking of which, you can't know each other better by watching a movie! Next time try a fun activity. Also, don't base your self worth/confidence based on the women you date. Bad idea.
Romantic_Antics Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Same here. It feels like I'll never have what I want and I don't know where I'm going wrong. Just like the Original Poster, my confidence is zilch. That's where you're going wrong. Confidence can be rebuilt though - or gained if you've never had it. It all starts with your attitude about yourself and avoiding negative thinking. Do you know why you're an amazing person and a great catch? Because there's only one of you in this whole world. How cool is that?
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 That's where you're going wrong. Confidence can be rebuilt though - or gained if you've never had it. It all starts with your attitude about yourself and avoiding negative thinking. Do you know why you're an amazing person and a great catch? Because there's only one of you in this whole world. How cool is that? Thank you for the positive message. 1
Cobra_X Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 That's where you're going wrong. Confidence can be rebuilt though - or gained if you've never had it. It all starts with your attitude about yourself and avoiding negative thinking. Do you know why you're an amazing person and a great catch? Because there's only one of you in this whole world. How cool is that? I don't see that as being very helpful advice. Thank you for the positive message. I used to play tennis. I was very confident in my skills with that game. I did not start out that way. I spent hours and hours practicing, playing matches, and honing my skills. Over time I became confident. Age 18 I was very confident it many aspects of my life, but had no confidence with women and dating. This is because I had little to no successful experience. If you keep failing and failing... your confidence will never rise. All the attitude changes in the world won't help you. In order to become confident you need to set achievable goals and begin piling up successes. This applies to OP as well.
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Thank you. Can you give an example of what an achievable goal in the dating world would look like? Maybe for a woman?
Cobra_X Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Thank you. Can you give an example of what an achievable goal in the dating world would look like? Maybe for a woman? For some reason my PM isn't working. I would have to know more about you in order to help. OP is having problems on dates. I would suggest to him that he should go through his day striking up quick conversations with random people with the goal of making them laugh. If he is on the subway, then talk to the old lady sitting next to him and try to say something that makes her laugh or smile. It takes a lot of practice and everyones humor is different, but eventually he should find his. This is a great skill for dates. He isn't getting second dates. That tells me that initial attraction isn't a problem but that he is killing that attraction rather than building on it. I don't know what kind of problem you are facing. 1
Romantic_Antics Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 I don't see that as being very helpful advice. If you don't understand that confidence starts with your own attitude about yourself, then you don't understand confidence. It technically wasn't advice anyways or I would've gone into much more detail, but it was a very simple statement of fact followed by an encouraging message, which is exactly what I wanted to do with that post.
Cobra_X Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 If you don't understand that confidence starts with your own attitude about yourself, then you don't understand confidence. It technically wasn't advice anyways or I would've gone into much more detail, but it was a very simple statement of fact followed by an encouraging message, which is exactly what I wanted to do with that post. I'm not saying you are wrong... just incomplete. Attitude is shaped by experience. If all of your experience is negative a rational person will struggle to change their attitude. You don't tell someone who just lost a loved one to "get over it". Grief has stages. So does confidence.
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