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Question for Guys


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Posted

Guys, if your relationship was new - a few months old for example, what's the longest you would go without messaging a gf?

Posted

Hey LoverOfDance,

 

If I hadn't informed my girl that I'll be away then a day max. For how long has he not contacted you? Did he tell you anything about being busy?

Posted

24-48 hours.

 

It's sort of like a beep/bleep test :D

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Posted

In our first two weeks of dating, he messaged me almost everyday. Now he goes days without messaging me. I usually message him on the third day because the silence bugs me. I've told him this. When I first told him, he adjusted and messaged me regularly but now he's back to doing the same thing. P.S. I usually initiate messages as well so it's not just him doing the initiations.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about all this to be honest.

Posted
In our first two weeks of dating, he messaged me almost everyday. Now he goes days without messaging me. I usually message him on the third day because the silence bugs me. I've told him this. When I first told him, he adjusted and messaged me regularly but now he's back to doing the same thing. P.S. I usually initiate messages as well so it's not just him doing the initiations.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about all this to be honest.

 

Does he schedule time to be with you? Organise dates etc?

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I would message everyday, skip one day if I had a really good reason.

Posted

My bf has gone max 1-2 days (although he'd text one short message at least to say goodnight) but when I brought it up he got better (I just told him that I just genuinely miss him, don't get defensive)

 

I would just start calling. Don't bother texting.

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Posted

@smiley1

 

So far I feel like 70% of our meet ups have been scheduled by me. Even for my birthday, I had to ask him to meet up. He couldn't meet up on the actual day because he was busy, so I scheduled to meet up the next day.

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@smiley1

 

So far I feel like 70% of our meet ups have been scheduled by me. Even for my birthday, I had to ask him to meet up. He couldn't meet up on the actual day because he was busy, so I scheduled to meet up the next day.

 

Do you have a gut feeling about it, like something is off?

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Posted

@caramelpopcorn

 

I feel like I'm putting in more effort than he is. I haven't heard from him today and I know I won't be hearing from him because he usually doesn't initiate messages at night.

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Posted

I know this might seem like a small issue but I just feel like if someone likes you a lot, you shouldn't have to remind them to talk to you.

 

Not sure if I'm supposed to leave the relationship or stay. The thing is that it doesn't really seem like a good enough reason to break up with him. But it still bothers me nonetheless.

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Posted
I know this might seem like a small issue but I just feel like if someone likes you a lot, you shouldn't have to remind them to talk to you.

 

Not sure if I'm supposed to leave the relationship or stay. The thing is that it doesn't really seem like a good enough reason to break up with him. But it still bothers me nonetheless.

 

No it's not a small issue, I recently made a thread about the same thing although it's more complicated than you. I think it's worth bringing up again cause like you said it's not a MAIN reason to break up especially if he has some othe great qualities. You should still initiate though.

 

But just think how 10 years ago texting this often wasn't even a thing and people dated and fell in love just fine, it's just this new culture of instant gratification that makes it seem like it's even a problem! Guys are just not great talkers or texters. Talk to him and suggest maybe something different like short phone calls, Snapchat, videos you send, just something else he feels he could be consistent with.

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Posted
@smiley1

 

So far I feel like 70% of our meet ups have been scheduled by me. Even for my birthday, I had to ask him to meet up. He couldn't meet up on the actual day because he was busy, so I scheduled to meet up the next day.

 

How often do you meet up? Is your relationship exclusive?

Posted
Guys, if your relationship was new - a few months old for example, what's the longest you would go without messaging a gf?

 

1-2 days, unless there was some unusual circumstance.

Posted
Guys, if your relationship was new - a few months old for example, what's the longest you would go without messaging a gf?

 

If you are talking a relationship, I would communicate daily; not necessarily texting (if that's what you mean by messaging).

 

If just dating, I would keep texting limited and would rather save conversations for dates and hanging out.

Posted

How long you been together in total?

Posted
But just think how 10 years ago texting this often wasn't even a thing and people dated and fell in love just fine, it's just this new culture of instant gratification that makes it seem like it's even a problem! Guys are just not great talkers or texters. Talk to him and suggest maybe something different like short phone calls, Snapchat, videos you send, just something else he feels he could be consistent with.

 

That's true. I remember hardly sending any messages 10 years back. Don't remember it being any sort of problem.

 

Times have changed though.

 

Now, even text-messaging is seen as outdated to most. There was a woman last year who I ended up having a really good relationship with that nearly never happened, because we had a small power struggle over her trying to get me using various social media early on.

 

I've missed out on some options over the last few weeks, because some girls want to give me their facebook instead of their number. And I'm not using facebook.

 

This is why I find it bizarre when people even argue calling vs texting. That was an arguement for 2005 or whatever :D

 

If any guy doesn't want to learn how to communicate effectively in this environment, there are some consequences for that.

 

Can't really get away with it anymore. To keep a girl around and stable as any sort of standard, you need to give high-quality attention in a myriad of different ways.

Posted
@caramelpopcorn

 

I feel like I'm putting in more effort than he is. I haven't heard from him today and I know I won't be hearing from him because he usually doesn't initiate messages at night.

 

Doesn't seem so interested in you then. If it was me you would know my interest right away was real. Nonsense to clown around like he's doing with you. Is that what you want from whatever you have with him. Do not contact me and you play his game back at him. See how he likes it. I am sure he wont'. What he's doing he likes doing it to you because cause he knows you weak and you would continue. He doesn't have to contact you he can do whatever he pleases. Stop and think my child is that what you want from a relationship you're doing all the work and he's not doing enough in return. Confront him and say listen if your not interested in me then I am not going to put any more time into us at all. I am done with you and moving on see ya!

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Posted

We've been dating a few months. He is my bf and we are exclusive. If I know him, I probably won't hear from him today. Like I said, I usually message him on the third day which would be tomorrow. This time I won't. Whatever happens, happens. I'm honestly tired of worrying and wondering why it's so difficult to simply say hello to someone you're supposed to care about.

 

Thanks for all your help guys. I appreciate it.

Posted
We've been dating a few months. He is my bf and we are exclusive. If I know him, I probably won't hear from him today. Like I said, I usually message him on the third day which would be tomorrow. This time I won't. Whatever happens, happens. I'm honestly tired of worrying and wondering why it's so difficult to simply say hello to someone you're supposed to care about.

 

Thanks for all your help guys. I appreciate it.

 

Your welcome my dear! He's just not the type to follow thru then. Either you just tolerate it or not, that's your choice here in the matter. You can't change him into something else just doesn't work like that. So the best way to deal with such a guy is just don't bother to send him a text message. Even if he does send you one. Wait 3 days then reply back. This way he'll get up tight about it instead of you!

Posted
We've been dating a few months. He is my bf and we are exclusive. If I know him, I probably won't hear from him today. Like I said, I usually message him on the third day which would be tomorrow. This time I won't. Whatever happens, happens. I'm honestly tired of worrying and wondering why it's so difficult to simply say hello to someone you're supposed to care about.

 

People just have different ideas about it. It's quite a leap from he doesn't text as often as I'd like to he doesn't care about me... and you said that you will usually text on the third day because the silence bugs you, which means that you expect him to be the one initiating. That would bug me.

 

There is no reason you shouldn't be fifty percent of the equation. Why don't you start texting him randomly, even as much as a few times a day? The women I've been in relationship with since my divorce have had no inhibition with regard to initiating. We'd text once a day or more, but they would initiate as often as me if not more, and no one thought anything of it. It just flowed naturally. I like it when women initiate. I don't understand why some think they should not.

Posted
We've been dating a few months. He is my bf and we are exclusive. If I know him, I probably won't hear from him today. Like I said, I usually message him on the third day which would be tomorrow. This time I won't. Whatever happens, happens. I'm honestly tired of worrying and wondering why it's so difficult to simply say hello to someone you're supposed to care about.

Thanks for all your help guys. I appreciate it.

 

I think your plan is good--except don't act bitter about it. You will get more with the "action" of not filling in the blanks for him, i.e. you want him to message you, then don't do it for him. You have to adjust your attitude toward feeling like you are doing what is best for you and for the relationship long term which also means not acting hurt and bitter in the present. If teaching him how you need to be treated means you need to put some of your short term needs to the side, it will be worth it. You can also change your mindset to: well I am tired/non-interested in picking up the slack and i wouldn't want a guy would couldn't meet what i need with this so I need to find out if he can do it.

 

I'm pretty sure it will work, but not necessarily on your time frame. You have to realize that by messaging yourself on the 3rd day, he's come to expect that. And he might not be so rigid about it (as he obviously is not so much in need of regular communication). So it will take him a bit to realize you are not messaging him and he needs to pick up the slack and message you. And then you will have him a little frazzled where he will be worried if you are checking out of the relationship. If you act mad, you lose this power. Act like you are non-interested or "nice to hear from you" said genuinely but not over enthusiastic.

 

The other thing is that you just might have a lazy bf or someone who doesn't believe in messaging to the level that you do (i.e. you may have reached a crossroads of incompatibility). If it's lazy bf, i would rather know now, so you can get out--the laziness will transfer typically to most, if not all, aspects of the relationship and you will always be the one carrying the load. So think of this as an information gathering process. If it's incompatibility about this issue, it's a chance to get closer to on the same page WITH YOUR ACTIONS. Guys don't abide by nagging much and ultimately if you have to nag or discuss with him more than once to get in touch with you or what you'd prefer then it's not going to be worth it to you either.

 

BTW, i don't think you are out of line with what you want him to do but if he can't do it, then why would you want him? Good luck.

Posted
Guys, if your relationship was new - a few months old for example, what's the longest you would go without messaging a gf?

 

Historically, when dating exclusively or with a girlfriend, I'd call them a couple times a week, later also/or e-mail similar. Most of my dating/relationship experiences were before 'messaging' (text). I was married during the texting era. Most of the time, we'd go out on dates/visit each other at least once a week, sometimes more often.

 

I've never been a joined at the hip kinda guy. I'm more engaging than some guys, as far as depth and length of each contact, but constant contact is tedious for me. As example, when my exW was away on business or with friends, we'd catch up a couple times a week at most. Never a daily thing. We might talk for an hour but it wasn't a daily thing.

 

To me, it's about compatibility. Each of us has a unique and individual relationship style, including communication. When things match up, it flows. If not, no harm, no foul, plenty of others to date.

Posted
We've been dating a few months. He is my bf and we are exclusive. If I know him, I probably won't hear from him today. Like I said, I usually message him on the third day which would be tomorrow. This time I won't. Whatever happens, happens. I'm honestly tired of worrying and wondering why it's so difficult to simply say hello to someone you're supposed to care about.

 

Thanks for all your help guys. I appreciate it.

 

You sound like a stage 5 clinger. Probably moving too fast for the guy and not giving him enough space.

 

I'll tell you the same thing I tell guys: Don't chase, replace. :cool:

Posted
You have to realize that by messaging yourself on the 3rd day, he's come to expect that. And he might not be so rigid about it (as he obviously is not so much in need of regular communication). So it will take him a bit to realize you are not messaging him and he needs to pick up the slack and message you. And then you will have him a little frazzled where he will be worried if you are checking out of the relationship. If you act mad, you lose this power. Act like you are non-interested or "nice to hear from you" said genuinely but not over enthusiastic.

 

Or she could just say, "boyfriend, I would really appreciate hearing from you once a day, and the send button on my phone doesn't work so if you wouldn't mind shoot me a text each rotation, other wise I'll have to start playing power-head games a la Versacehottie.

 

He might also conclude that since you're not texting and not talking about it that a frequency of once or twice a week, or never, is just fine.

 

The other thing is that you just might have a lazy bf or someone who doesn't believe in messaging to the level that you do (i.e. you may have reached a crossroads of incompatibility). If it's lazy bf, i would rather know now, so you can get out--the laziness will transfer typically to most, if not all, aspects of the relationship and you will always be the one carrying the load.

 

Are you seriously saying that messaging frequency is a major compatibility issue, and that him not being able to read her mind is a deal-breaker. That's what I thought.

 

BTW, i don't think you are out of line with what you want him to do but if he can't do it, then why would you want him? Good luck.

 

No kidding OP. If you aren't receiving enough texts the obvious solution is to kick him to the curb. Sheesh!

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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