paranoid about new guys being cheaters, is this a red flag?

[grays]

Okay, soooo, I never worried about this until pretty recently. I totally fell for a guy a year and a half ago who I recently found out had been married for 15 years when we met. His wife and three kids were out of town during the three months we were dating, so I never got a wiff of it while we were together.

 

Anyhow, I met this new guy just yesterday and it feels really different to me than anyone I've dated for a long time. I think we both felt a jolt when we first laid eyes on each other. And there's an excitement that I dont normally feel, from both of us. (Now that I think of it, tho, it was like this with the married guy.) So, we met while working at like 10 am yesterday, texted all day, then he came to my place last night but we just went for a walk and sat outside and talked, then we hung out all day today while my kids were in school. And we have plans for tomorrow and sunday.

 

And this is the thing that makes me a little nervous, tho hopefully its nothing... Yesterday we texted normally all day, but today he said let's communicate thru google hangouts instead. Is there a legit reason for that? The only thing I can think of is that maybe it's easier to hide from a wife or gf. I'll probably figure out a way to ask him in the next few days, but I didnt feel like confronting him.

[joseb]

Have you asked him (simple question really, I wouldn't call it confronting him)

 

Maybe he's on a limited plan where texting costs money (though pretty unusual these days)

 

Maybe he uses his laptop to text as he dislikes tiny phone screens.

 

Or maybe yes it's easier to hide...

[grays]

Ugh. I know. I need to ask him. I just didnt want to feel like I was already getting suspicious.

 

ETA: He did say something about it being free texting and I thought wow, are there really people who dont have unlimited texting.

Edited September 9, 2017 by grays

[Gaeta]

 

Anyhow, I met this new guy just yesterday and it feels really different to me than anyone I've dated for a long time. I think we both felt a jolt when we first laid eyes on each other. And there's an excitement that I dont normally feel, from both of us. (Now that I think of it, tho, it was like this with the married guy.) So, we met while working at like 10 am yesterday, texted all day, then he came to my place last night but we just went for a walk and sat outside and talked, then we hung out all day today while my kids were in school. And we have plans for tomorrow and sunday.

 

That is INSANE. You met this person yesterday and you've spent every minute with him ever since! SLOW DOWN. This is going to crash and burn within 2 weeks. He's a stranger and you don't know him. You brought a stranger into your home! and the home of your children! Where is your common sense? Let him date you, put some space between those dates! Don't you have your kids this weekend? Don't tell me he's meeting your kids!

[d0nnivain]

You take "relationships" at breakneck speeds & then complain about the platform the person uses to communicate with you. Oh geeze.

 

You have known this person for 24 hours. He's a stranger. Get to know him at a normal pace . . . 1-2 dates per week. 3-4 short (under 20 minutes) phone calls & a few texts, maybe 1-2 per day.

 

Slow down. Ask Qs. Don't be so invested so quickly.

[grays]

That is INSANE. You met this person yesterday and you've spent every minute with him ever since! SLOW DOWN. This is going to crash and burn within 2 weeks. He's a stranger and you don't know him. You brought a stranger into your home! and the home of your children! Where is your common sense? Let him date you, put some space between those dates! Don't you have your kids this weekend? Don't tell me he's meeting your kids!

 

Why, why, why do people always make assumptions about my parenting when I post almost anything at all. Jeeeez. No, he has not met my kids and I havent thought for a minute about introducing him. Why would you think that??? And he did come over last night, but he never came inside. We went for a walk and had a really fun talk. Nothing physical at all except for a nice hug goodnight.

 

And yes I have my kids with me now, but they were in school today while I was hanging out with him and they go to their dad's at 6 tomorrow. And Im seeing him after, and they'll be with their dad on sunday.

 

I feel like maybe we should all have it out for once and for all about what a terrible parent you all asdume i am, rather than have all of my threads, no matter the subject matter, have to be about what a ****ty parent gou all think I am. I just really do not see any reason tjis tbread should cause you to jump right to "omg youre a terrble mom." WTF?!!!

[grays]

I agree that it feels like a lot to see him right away, but Im not convinced thats such a bad thing. It totally may fizzle in two weeks, but who knows. For now Im having fun. And I dont think Im terribly invested. If he disappeared tomorrow I promise you I would not shed a tear. I normally dont see a new guy every day at first but I disagree that there's anything wrong with doing that.

 

And I dont take relationships at a break neck speed. I dont even really have relationships.

[Gaeta]

Why, why, why do people always make assumptions about my parenting when I post almost anything at all. Jeeeez. No, he has not met my kids and I havent thought for a minute about introducing him. Why would you think that??? And he did come over last night, but he never came inside. We went for a walk and had a really fun talk. Nothing physical at all except for a nice hug goodnight.

 

And yes I have my kids with me now, but they were in school today while I was hanging out with him and they go to their dad's at 6 tomorrow. And Im seeing him after, and they'll be with their dad on sunday.

 

I feel like maybe we should all have it out for once and for all about what a terrible parent you all asdume i am, rather than have all of my threads, no matter the subject matter, have to be about what a ****ty parent gou all think I am. I just really do not see any reason tjis tbread should cause you to jump right to "omg youre a terrble mom." WTF?!!!

 

You gave just enough info for people to think maybe something careless is going on. You could have mentionned your kids are gone for the weekend. I did not accuse you of anything!! I ASKED you if your kids were gonna be there over the weekend.

 

Bringning him outside your home isn't smarter than letting him in, he's still a stranger you know nothing about and you took him right to your door. For all you know he might have a criminal record. What was the rush of bringing him over on same day you met him!

 

What is it that you want? Do you want a relationship or do you want cheap thrills? You don't get a relationship if you act like you're after a thrill.

[grays]

You gave just enough info for people to think maybe something careless is going on. You mean just that I have kids? There was really nothing else in there. Maybe I need to have a sig line that says, "btw, Im not doing anything ****ty to my children, so you dont need to assume I am.". You could have mentionned your kids are gone for the weekend. I did not accuse you of anything!! I ASKED you if your kids were gonna be there over the weekend. Because my kids were in no way related to the topic of this thread it didnt occur to me that I needed to make sure everyone knew their schedule. This reminds me an awful lot of the time a couple of people assumed that boyfriend and I were making out on the couch next to my sleeping child. It didnt occur to me to say we were in another room because i never would have guessed people would assume I would do that. I wonder if that was you, too, Gaeta. I might try to go find it.

 

Bringning him outside your home isn't smarter than letting him in, he's still a stranger you know nothing about and you took him right to your door. For all you know he might have a criminal record. What was the rush of bringing him over on same day you met him! I didnt actually bring him right to my door. I met him outside and he has no idea what apartment I live in. A lot of people see me coming and going and Im not worried that any of them are going to assault me.

 

What is it that you want? Do you want a relationship or do you want cheap thrills? You don't get a relationship if you act like you're after a thrill. Im not sure relationship or cheap thrills are the only options. Im definitely not looking to get laid. But I dont know him well enough to feel like I want to have a relationship with him. You think its ludicrous that I would spend like 7 hours in his company after two days of knowing him. I think it would be ludicrous to say I want a relationship with him.

 

Anyhow, what I was asking about was the google hangouts thing instead of texting.

 

And btw, I dont think I am acting like Im after cheap thrills. I think Im acting like I like him and Im excited about him and he's acting the same. We have really not been physical yet at all. So far it has been just sweet and fun. I am really not sure why the rush to act like Im going about this all wrong. I would not be at all surprised to find out that many happy healthy relationships started out similarly. For one thing, there has been absolutely no game playing of any sort here. We're just excited to get to know each other.

Edited September 9, 2017 by grays

[d0nnivain]

It's that you appear overly excited. Your reference to your past encounter with the man you didn't know was married seemed to go at the same pace.

 

It's fine to spend that initial time with somebody . . . even long stretches of time and be excited about it. The problems which develop which you seem to be experiencing is to conclude that 1-2 long dates some how equates to something more significant with a deeper connection. Those things take time, time that you are not giving the relationship.

 

Enjoy the initial excitement. It is fun but stop thinking that butterflies equal commitment or truly knowing somebody.

 

Your guard needs to be up at this point because the reality is you don't really know this person. You have to be careful & smart, to protect your heart, to some extent your body (I know you haven't gotten intimate but you have no verifiable facts about his health history) and your children.

[Gaeta]

Anyhow, what I was asking about was the google hangouts thing instead of texting.

 

Well here is my take on it.

 

* Yes chances are he is hiding something. Like someone said earlier who doesn't have unlimited texting these days. There is no good reasons for him to switch to google texting.

 

* The other red flag indicating he has something to hide is the fact he is not giving you a breath time between dates. He met you Friday and is monopolyzing your time from Friday to Sunday. That is usually the MO of a man looking to squeeze 3 dates within 3 days to get in you in bed asap.

 

* Time is your friend. A man that wants to play you and bed you, will act like this guy. He's gonna try to sweep you off of your feet at the speed of light so you don't have time to think. If he acted like a normal man, and invited you on a Saturday date, then a date next weekend, etc then you'd have time in between dates to think and analyze the situation. You would also be able to see if he keeps in touch in between dates and how busy he is and if he says or does anything fishy. He is taking that away from you by bombing you with attention.

Edited September 9, 2017 by Gaeta

[Timshel]

Grays, it seems since your divorce that you are throwing your self around like a cannonball in Faberge.

 

The indication is that you are very hurt. Hurt people are reckless.

 

You are wanting some safety that can't be found externally. There is a reason that you are willing to take unnecessary risks and not a positive one.

 

Given how quickly you have incorporated him into your life...texting, all day? Inviting him to your home, planning on spending the weekend with him....it's reckless.

 

What difference does it make if 100 other people would do this? What does that matter? Personally, do not know even one person who has or would but I'm sure you could find a few in places that aren't healthy for a healthy adult and most certainly not productive as a parent (protector, provider, role model) kids watch and learn everything. I have come to believe that lot's of good/well meaning parents underestimate the influence they have.

 

 

This guy is a complete stranger and yep, you should not trust him. It takes months of consistent face to face interaction to have a reasonable idea if a person is trustworthy.

 

If you want sex, have sex. If you want a relationship......s.l.o.w d.o.w.n.

[thefooloftheyear]

In your other thread , you admit you are currently juggling like 4 different guys at the same time....Is this 5 now??

 

I'm not being judgemental, but why should you even care at that point...If he's married, single, whatever, who cares what he's doing or how often he's responding..../?

 

Put him into the rotation, and enjoy yourself....er.....I guess.......

 

TFY

[lurker74]

Why, why, why do people always make assumptions about my parenting when I post almost anything at all. Jeeeez. No, he has not met my kids and I havent thought for a minute about introducing him. Why would you think that??? And he did come over last night, but he never came inside. We went for a walk and had a really fun talk. Nothing physical at all except for a nice hug goodnight.

 

And yes I have my kids with me now, but they were in school today while I was hanging out with him and they go to their dad's at 6 tomorrow. And Im seeing him after, and they'll be with their dad on sunday.

 

I feel like maybe we should all have it out for once and for all about what a terrible parent you all asdume i am, rather than have all of my threads, no matter the subject matter, have to be about what a ****ty parent gou all think I am. I just really do not see any reason tjis tbread should cause you to jump right to "omg youre a terrble mom." WTF?!!!

 

Welcome to Loveshack... Yep, you have to accept this type of potential judgement here... If you think this forum is bad, go check out the cheating and the other woman/man forums. But most of the time, people's heart are in the right place.

 

As for your dilemma, first, who cares that you have seen him a lot at first. If this were an OLD then yes, it's a lot. But who among us hasn't felt the rush of meeting someone organically and done what you've done over the first few days. Yes, it will need to slow down soon but as long as you're safe, having a connection with someone like this is one of life's great gifts.

 

But yeah, you don't know him so soon you have to remember to temper your hopes. He could be married, in a relationship, a drug user, gay, Uber religious, have twelve kids, or just be a run of the mill jerk. Some of those things take time to find out. As for the hangouts thing and whether he is in a relationship, just ask (in person). He could lie but in person, you'll probably know.

 

After all, it could be that he just wants to video "chat" with you in the future!

[coolheadal]

Okay, soooo, I never worried about this until pretty recently. I totally fell for a guy a year and a half ago who I recently found out had been married for 15 years when we met. His wife and three kids were out of town during the three months we were dating, so I never got a wiff of it while we were together.

 

Anyhow, I met this new guy just yesterday and it feels really different to me than anyone I've dated for a long time. I think we both felt a jolt when we first laid eyes on each other. And there's an excitement that I dont normally feel, from both of us. (Now that I think of it, tho, it was like this with the married guy.) So, we met while working at like 10 am yesterday, texted all day, then he came to my place last night but we just went for a walk and sat outside and talked, then we hung out all day today while my kids were in school. And we have plans for tomorrow and sunday.

 

And this is the thing that makes me a little nervous, tho hopefully its nothing... Yesterday we texted normally all day, but today he said let's communicate thru google hangouts instead. Is there a legit reason for that? The only thing I can think of is that maybe it's easier to hide from a wife or gf. �� I'll probably figure out a way to ask him in the next few days, but I didnt feel like confronting him.

 

 

hangouts is just another excuse to use a messaging app that you can hide yourself into. SMS stays on the phone until you delete sms logs. You got something to worry about indeed..

[Gaeta]

hangouts is just another excuse to use a messaging app that you can hide yourself into. SMS stays on the phone until you delete sms logs. You got something to worry about indeed..

 

With google hang outs the conversations, videos, photos are kept copied in their google account and leave no trace on their phone. If a gf or wife check the phone she'll see no trace of anything.

 

Google hangouts is the worse messaging app. It's at the bottom of the SMS app. We all have it on our phone but no one is using it. It is a great place to hide indeed.

[Popsicle]

Okay, soooo, I never worried about this until pretty recently. I totally fell for a guy a year and a half ago who I recently found out had been married for 15 years when we met. His wife and three kids were out of town during the three months we were dating, so I never got a wiff of it while we were together.

 

Anyhow, I met this new guy just yesterday and it feels really different to me than anyone I've dated for a long time. I think we both felt a jolt when we first laid eyes on each other. And there's an excitement that I dont normally feel, from both of us. (Now that I think of it, tho, it was like this with the married guy.) So, we met while working at like 10 am yesterday, texted all day, then he came to my place last night but we just went for a walk and sat outside and talked, then we hung out all day today while my kids were in school. And we have plans for tomorrow and sunday.

 

And this is the thing that makes me a little nervous, tho hopefully its nothing... Yesterday we texted normally all day, but today he said let's communicate thru google hangouts instead. Is there a legit reason for that? The only thing I can think of is that maybe it's easier to hide from a wife or gf. �� I'll probably figure out a way to ask him in the next few days, but I didnt feel like confronting him.

 

You are correct to be worried about this. Here are some tips.

 

1) ASK if he's married or has a gf. You must open your mouth and ask this question no matter what. Some will be honest.

2) NEVER date long distance, only date local, and don't date men who travel for work.

3) ASK to see his place. Don't just hang out at your house. If he won't take you there -red flag.

[grays]

It's that you appear overly excited. Your reference to your past encounter with the man you didn't know was married seemed to go at the same pace.

 

It's fine to spend that initial time with somebody . . . even long stretches of time and be excited about it. The problems which develop which you seem to be experiencing is to conclude that 1-2 long dates some how equates to something more significant with a deeper connection. Those things take time, time that you are not giving the relationship.

 

Enjoy the initial excitement. It is fun but stop thinking that butterflies equal commitment or truly knowing somebody.

 

Your guard needs to be up at this point because the reality is you don't really know this person. You have to be careful & smart, to protect your heart, to some extent your body (I know you haven't gotten intimate but you have no verifiable facts about his health history) and your children.

 

My guard is always up. That's why I bristled at the google hangouts thing. I am excited about how fun it is to meet and be excited about each other. It feels to me like how it was when I was a teenager and everyone was so open. Now we've all been ****ed over and gotten bitter and have to follow all the dating rules -- which for the most part are bull****, imo -- to protect ourselves and it takes so much of the fun out of it. So, Im trying to just enjoy this and go with the flow as long as it's feeling right to me. I am not throwing all caution to the wind. I have been hurt, in a real way, once since my divorce and I'm very careful about protecting myself from that.

 

My hope is that he's a kindred spirit who's open with his feelings and not all about playing games and avoiding catching feelings and all that. But I am fully aware of the possibility that he's doing the love bombing thing Gaeta's talking about. I'm prepared for either outcome. I'm excited but not attached or even imagining I know what this will look like in a week or two.

 

In your other thread , you admit you are currently juggling like 4 different guys at the same time....Is this 5 now?? I'd say he's taken the place of #4, the guy I said I was just dating. I do like that guy, but he lives most of the time in London (I'm in Cali) and he's just not very available. If he comes around again, I'd still entertain the possibility, but I think I might have gotten bored with waiting around for him.

 

I'm not being judgemental, but why should you even care at that point...If he's married, single, whatever, who cares what he's doing or how often he's responding..../? I'm not concerned that he'll cheat on me. It was a horrible feeling tho to find out that the married guy sas married for a bunch of reasons. The biggest one was that I can tell from his facebook that he and his wife are one of those couples that everyone envies bc they're so happy and in love. He had a beautiful family. It just makes me feel horrible that her life isn't what she thinks it is. The other thing that bothered me was that I really felt close to him while he was here and after he left we texted like crazy for about a year till I found out. And his whole damn life was a lie. I have no idea who he really is.

 

I dont think I said anything about how often he responds??? In fact he seems super attentive. But if there was an issue with him not responding, like if he just disappeared right now, that would be disappointing and I would have feelings about that no matter how many guys I was dating. I still think you are under the impression that I don't really care about my guy friends. I really do, tho.

 

Put him into the rotation, and enjoy yourself....er.....I guess.......

 

TFY

 

And I asked him about google hangouts and I was apparently just worrying for no reason. He had asked me right before he said he was sending me the GH invite whether I had an iphone or android. When I said android, he said, ok, I'm gonna send you a GH invite. So when I asked why he wanted to use GH to text, he said he didnt care where we texted but he wanted to be able to facetime but I didnt have an iphone. I believe him.

Edited September 9, 2017 by grays

[grays]

You are correct to be worried about this. Here are some tips.

 

1) ASK if he's married or has a gf. You must open your mouth and ask this question no matter what. Some will be honest.

2) NEVER date long distance, only date local, and don't date men who travel for work.

3) ASK to see his place. Don't just hang out at your house. If he won't take you there -red flag.

 

We have talked about #1. I think #3 is going to be a potential problem, tho. And I was already worried about it. He has a crazy living situation. He lives with his ex-in-laws. Gah! There's no way I wanna meet them. He says his ex lives with her boyfriend nearby and they share custody.

 

I have run into this sort of thing twice before. One of them I really believe was married. He said he lived w his mom and his 13 year old daughter. I only ever saw him on weekdays during business hours. Eventually he invited me to spend 5 days in LA w him for a business trip. And then he got pissed when I told him that made me feel pretty sure he was married. Got so pissed I think he was definitely married. The other one lived with his two teenage kids and just always came to my place. I wondered for a long time but in the end I think he wasn't married. We would talk on the phone casual at all times of day and he spent so much time with me that Im pretty sure he was single.

 

Interestingly this wasnt an issue with married guy. I think his wife and kids had left town like the week we met to go get a house in Hawai'i for when he joined them 3 months later. He had just moved into a friend's extra bedroom and had no qualms about bringing me there. He looked pretty darned single.

[Gaeta]

He lives with his ex-in-laws. Gah! There's no way I wanna meet them. He says his ex lives with her boyfriend nearby and they share custody.

 

Why would a grown man live with his in-laws instead of taking an apartment on his own ? Even if you don't feel like meeting them still go, just drop by to pick him up one day and knock at the door.

 

How long has he split from his ex?

[grays]

He's working on a masters in marriage and family therapy. He didnt say that was why he was living with them but I assume its a temporary thing till he's done. I dont get all judgy about stuff like that, though, especially without more information. I'm not very motivated by money myself and for me its a bonus if a guy's not either. I wouldnt hold it against someone if they had a lucrative career that they loved, but the ex and I were both lawyers and he's very much about money and it didn't make either of us happy. I've always vibed better with people who weren't that sort of ambitious.

 

If I ever show up at the in-laws it won't be anytime soon. One proxy for that would be meeting the kids, but I would probably never push for that and certainly not any time soon. If there's a time that not meeting them feels incongruous with what's going on between us, maybe I will start to see that as a red flag.

[Caramelpopcorn]

Haha he's not a cheater, good news! Bad news, he's a computer nerd who wants to be in his computer and "chat" while video gaming. Ask him if he plays video games and you'll have your answer. Maybe he also finds it easier to text on hangouts while at work.

 

Have you looked him up on social media?

[Caramelpopcorn]

Why would a grown man live with his in-laws instead of taking an apartment on his own ? Even if you don't feel like meeting them still go, just drop by to pick him up one day and knock at the door.

 

How long has he split from his ex?

 

Living with the inlaws!? That just makes zero sense to me. I'm so sorry but you're being really foolish here, you're not being non judgemental that's completely different.

[Ami1uwant]

My few thoughts...I haven't read the thread fully....

Why would someone use a chat box instead of texting ??

 

1. They have a cell plan that still charges for texts.

2. His cell phone is from work. Thus texts aren't private. Where I work someone got fired for personal texts on a work phone that were not PG.

3. Where he would be he has crap cell coverage. The building I work at I cant get good cell signal for calls and I can't get on the web, sometimes I might be able to text.

4. He is doing something on a computer so it's easier.

5. Your fear..he wants to hide the communication.

 

From my experience with women when I was in my 20s is that they tended to constantly date and break up only when something better came around. Some guys did this as well. It's possible he could be dating others now.

 

I'm surprised after 18 months you didn't realize he was live in married (not legally married but apart). General rule on this...

 

1. You shold go to each other's homes

2. Communication can happen anytime and not restricted to only work time.

 

3. They travel regularly to the sane place on the weekends and you eventually go with them. In large cit is some guys have split residents where they go into the city like monday sm and work, then thursday evening leave the city and live somewhere else fri-sun.