JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) I met a guy on bumble that I really like and we had our first date last week. I went over to his place for dinner since he had food made already, although he did offer to take me out. I felt bad though because he's still in college and I understand what its like to be a poor college student (he's 21, i'm 22). Anyway, then we went to go see a sunset. Afterwards, we went back to his place to watch tv and ended up making out on his bed for a good while. I didnt let it lead to sex because I'm just not comfortable with that so early on. After that night, he didn't text me for 2 days so I decided to just text him first. We had some small conversation and then the next day, he texted me telling me that he hopes I have fun at home since I went home for labor day weekend. After that text, he didnt text me again... So I thought he lost interest. I posted about this situation elsewhere, and loads of people were telling me to just text him to ask him out again and then I'll get the answer to my confusion. Many others said that he was only into me for sex and that he didn't text because he didn't want anything more but he would respond if I texted because he'd hope that I like him enough to give it up. Anyway, i texted him and said that I had a good time last time and to let me know if he wanted to do something again. I suggested cooking together since we had talked about it before. He replied back saying that he'd love to do something again. I said that we could cook at my place. I didn't want him to get the wrong message though just incase he was only in it for sex, so I later sent him a message basically telling him that i'm not the hookup/FWB type. I clarified that it doesnt mean i'm looking for anything serious, but I just wanted to see where this was going and that if he and I weren't on the same page, that it would be totally ok and that I just didnt want to waste anyone's time. He wrote back saying that that was completely fair and that he was not appropriate last time (there was some grinding and stuff but no clothes came off). I said that I had fun last time but I just wanted to make sure there were no miscommunications. So that night he came over, brought food and made dinner and cleaned as well. Afterwards, we watched some tv and ended up making out again. Right when he started, he said that he liked it when a girl took control, so i did do a little bit of that, but again, I didn't let it get to sex although I'm sure he wanted it. After we were finished sucking face, he brought up the FWB thing and said that that wasn't what he was going for and that he just gets worked up (talking about his boner). I think he thought I sent him that message because he gets boners when we make out but I just didn't know where his head was at. Anyway, we finished the episode we were watching while chatting a bit at the same time and then he went home since he still had a lot of work to do. This was Wednesday night, and still no text from him. He told he he liked when a girl took control but I understood that as in sex... does it mean he wants a girl to initiate everything?? I'm not asking for him to constantly be in communication with me but I feel like a "how was your day" or something along the lines of that would give me a clue that he's still interested... when we first started talking on bumble, we texted back and forth on there for hours and then exchanged numbers and he did text me asking me how my day was, so I find it hard to believe that he's not the "texting type" or he's against it. When we're together, I feel like he's into me but his silence is really confusing me... am I missing something? I mean if he wants to see me he would make an effort to make it happen. I dont plan on initiating again, i figured if he really was into me, he'd eventually reach out. Also I'm hesitant to initiate first again incase he isnt into me and I'm just not getting the hint. That would be awfully annoying Thoughts? Edited September 8, 2017 by JQC1
Miss Spider Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) He wants booty. Maybe with a dash of Netflix and a sprinkle of chill. But definitely the booty. He is not interested in anything more. This would've ended a long time ago if you would not have done the chase thing. You really have to raise the bar with guys if you are not looking for FwB or hookup. Like don't just hang out with them in bed sucking face. It sends mixed messages and it's hard for the guy to invest when he doesn't have to. He thinks it's just a matter of a few more make outs and movies before home run. That's what his boner comment was about. Just let him disappear Edited September 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough 4
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Some men will say anything you want to hear to get sex, even lies like they don't want a fwb, they want a relationship or you are so very special. Forget about him, don't even reply when he text back.
Author JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 He wants booty. Maybe with a dash of Netflix and a sprinkle of chill. But definitely the booty. He is not interested in anything more. This would've ended a long time ago if you would not have done the chase thing. You really have to raise the bar with guys if you are not looking for FwB or hookup. Like don't just hang out with them in bed sucking face. It sends mixed messages and it's hard for the guy to invest when he doesn't have to. He thinks it's just a matter of a few more make outs and movies before home run. That's what his boner comment was about. Just let him disappear ugh, i know you're right. a bunch of guys were the ones who told me to ask him out again and then i'd get my answer if he was interested or not... I was hesitant but i did it anyway. I'm just going to do my own thing and if he doesn't text, i'll move on..
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 ugh, i know you're right. a bunch of guys were the ones who told me to ask him out again and then i'd get my answer if he was interested or not... I was hesitant but i did it anyway. I'm just going to do my own thing and if he doesn't text, i'll move on.. You did get your answer. To know if someone is playing you you need to spend a bit of time with them. You got that 2nd date going and it gave you answers.
Author JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 You did get your answer. To know if someone is playing you you need to spend a bit of time with them. You got that 2nd date going and it gave you answers. I should've listened to the people who told me he was in it for sex from the beginning - he just updated his bumble profile bio. Moving on! 1
Miss Spider Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 ugh, i know you're right. a bunch of guys were the ones who told me to ask him out again and then i'd get my answer if he was interested or not... I was hesitant but i did it anyway. I'm just going to do my own thing and if he doesn't text, i'll move on.. Oh I totally understand. I have noticed people(especially men)) suggest women to step up and do the chasing at the beginning. It's like they think most men are more interested in squashing patriarchy than getting a girl they really like. Just no. Next time you kiss a guy and he doesn't text you first (yep, that's what I said)just as into you if not moreso after the date, skidattle. He's not worth your time. You don't want a guy that passive if that were the case anyway, believe me! 2
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I should've listened to the people who told me he was in it for sex from the beginning - he just updated his bumble profile bio. Moving on! Most lesson in your life you will have to learn yourself. I tell my daughter all the time to not waste her time with such and such men. She knows I am right but she needs to verify the truth on her own. We never forget a lesson we've learn ourselves. We always forget what moms warned us about. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I met a guy on bumble that I really like and we had our first date last week. I went over to his place for dinner since he had food made already, although he did offer to take me out. I felt bad though because he's still in college and I understand what its like to be a poor college student (he's 21, i'm 22). Anyway, then we went to go see a sunset. Afterwards, we went back to his place to watch tv and ended up making out on his bed for a good while. I didnt let it lead to sex because I'm just not comfortable with that so early on. After that night, he didn't text me for 2 days so I decided to just text him first. We had some small conversation and then the next day, he texted me telling me that he hopes I have fun at home since I went home for labor day weekend. After that text, he didnt text me again... So I thought he lost interest. I posted about this situation elsewhere, and loads of people were telling me to just text him to ask him out again and then I'll get the answer to my confusion. Many others said that he was only into me for sex and that he didn't text because he didn't want anything more but he would respond if I texted because he'd hope that I like him enough to give it up. Anyway, i texted him and said that I had a good time last time and to let me know if he wanted to do something again. I suggested cooking together since we had talked about it before. He replied back saying that he'd love to do something again. I said that we could cook at my place. I didn't want him to get the wrong message though just incase he was only in it for sex, so I later sent him a message basically telling him that i'm not the hookup/FWB type. I clarified that it doesnt mean i'm looking for anything serious, but I just wanted to see where this was going and that if he and I weren't on the same page, that it would be totally ok and that I just didnt want to waste anyone's time. He wrote back saying that that was completely fair and that he was not appropriate last time (there was some grinding and stuff but no clothes came off). I said that I had fun last time but I just wanted to make sure there were no miscommunications. So that night he came over, brought food and made dinner and cleaned as well. Afterwards, we watched some tv and ended up making out again. Right when he started, he said that he liked it when a girl took control, so i did do a little bit of that, but again, I didn't let it get to sex although I'm sure he wanted it. After we were finished sucking face, he brought up the FWB thing and said that that wasn't what he was going for and that he just gets worked up (talking about his boner). I think he thought I sent him that message because he gets boners when we make out but I just didn't know where his head was at. Anyway, we finished the episode we were watching while chatting a bit at the same time and then he went home since he still had a lot of work to do. This was Wednesday night, and still no text from him. He told he he liked when a girl took control but I understood that as in sex... does it mean he wants a girl to initiate everything?? I'm not asking for him to constantly be in communication with me but I feel like a "how was your day" or something along the lines of that would give me a clue that he's still interested... when we first started talking on bumble, we texted back and forth on there for hours and then exchanged numbers and he did text me asking me how my day was, so I find it hard to believe that he's not the "texting type" or he's against it. When we're together, I feel like he's into me but his silence is really confusing me... am I missing something? I mean if he wants to see me he would make an effort to make it happen. I dont plan on initiating again, i figured if he really was into me, he'd eventually reach out. Also I'm hesitant to initiate first again incase he isnt into me and I'm just not getting the hint. That would be awfully annoying Thoughts? I think one mistake was saying this (bolded above) and then expecting him to be in touch regularly. Basically you said in guyspeak that you were fine with casual. Casual means he doesn't have to work on the emotional component, which is unfortunately what you seem to expect with the more frequent contact. 1
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I'm also getting a vibe that he just wants sex, but wants you to be the one asking for it and initiating it so when he starts to get distant you wouldn't blame him, but blame yourself cause he'd convince you it was YOUR idea. Dump him. 1
joseb Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 This was all easily avoided if you don't agree to "dates" in someones house. Don't do that unless you are also looking for sex. And definitely no grinding and dry humping if you are not. 3
Author JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Can't say that I'm not disappointed.. first guy I was actually into since my ex
kendahke Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 he said that he liked it when a girl took control, And you like it when a guy initiates texts. Any reason why you couldn't have brought this to his attention the next time you spoke to him? He had no problem telling you what he wanted. But I do agree with Versacehottie--that was a bit of a mixed signal you sent out.
Author JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 And you like it when a guy initiates texts. Any reason why you couldn't have brought this to his attention the next time you spoke to him? He had no problem telling you what he wanted. But I do agree with Versacehottie--that was a bit of a mixed signal you sent out. I see that now... I just didn't want to scare him away since we had only been on 1 date. I mean dating IS ago see if it could potentially lead to a relationship and that's what I wanted. I didn't want him to think that I knew I wanted a relationship with him. Dating is too stressful lol
kendahke Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Can't say that I'm not disappointed.. first guy I was actually into since my ex Nothing wrong if you've just got an itch to scratch, but check your expectations around that. Do you want casual or do you want something serious? Figure out which of the two and then proceed accordingly. They are two distinct entities. 1
kendahke Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Dating is too stressful lol It can be if you're not clear in your own mind about what it is that you want and are willing to let someone go if they're not passing muster. A boy who can be scared off needs to be scared off.
act00 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Regardless of his intention, sex-only or commitment, if he was really into you, he would have reached out. You have now initiated twice, and while it seems to go well enough when you're together, not well enough to actually pursue or initiate more. I am also inclined to think that if sex were an option, he may have done a little more pursuing, and it's equally likely that he would drop off the planet after he got some...either way, you've tried, he's not responding, move on. I wouldn't text again at this point. 1
Author JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Regardless of his intention, sex-only or commitment, if he was really into you, he would have reached out. You have now initiated twice, and while it seems to go well enough when you're together, not well enough to actually pursue or initiate more. I am also inclined to think that if sex were an option, he may have done a little more pursuing, and it's equally likely that he would drop off the planet after he got some...either way, you've tried, he's not responding, move on. I wouldn't text again at this point. Say he texts again (just want to be prepared if the situation arises). Do I ignore or say something?
kendahke Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Say he texts again (just want to be prepared if the situation arises). Do I ignore or say something? Be easy breezy and don't accept any dates at either of your houses. 1
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I also agree, no more home dates! You both aren't 12. I don't care how poor he is, you will find an activity or place to eat that he CAN afford! Make him invest, go the extra mile, you only start feeling special to them if they feel they've invested in you. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I also agree, no more home dates! You both aren't 12. I don't care how poor he is, you will find an activity or place to eat that he CAN afford! Make him invest, go the extra mile, you only start feeling special to them if they feel they've invested in you. Very true + you weed out the ones who'll never intend to 1
act00 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Say he texts again (just want to be prepared if the situation arises). Do I ignore or say something? Probably, but not accusatory and probably not right away, but on the date. Part of this is if I wish to give it another shot. If I wasn't interested in trying one last time, I probably wouldn't respond to him at all. When he said he was "inappropriate," it suggests to me that he got a little carried away (so did you) and his intent wasn't necessarily a one night stand or a hookup or even to mess around quite as much. We don't know what his intent was. It could have been sex. And he shouldn't be implying that you are somehow at fault for his boner. It's what men do and it's their anatomy, and he is equally capable of putting a stop to anything that might be too much. Men are very familiar with blue balls, and it's not your job to cure it, nor is it your fault it happens. I would probably start off by saying it's good to hear from him when he texts or calls, and perhaps later, on the date (and behave, not lying, quite pleased as punch he contacted me), tell him that I thought he wasn't interest since he never texted, and see where the conversation goes. Hopefully an agreement could be met about better communication, etc. I wouldn't turn this into a "thing." I'm too old and too tired to worry too much about that anymore, and it's unnecessary drama for someone who put you on the back burner. Once they pull the ghosting act, my motivation drops significantly. The bottom line is if you want to take another chance on him or not. When you're in the privacy of a home, clothes have a tendency to come off or situations might escalate a bit too much, so if you're trying to avoid heavy petting or sex or "leading him on," etc., find something to do in public and just get to know each other. A picnic might be nice if the weather is good, or the dollar theater, if budgets are tight. I'm sure you can come up with something. I have gone out again with the initially disinterested, mostly for me, notsomuch for them...I just don't want to wonder, "What if," if I don't give it one last shot. That's how I am. It's not for everyone. I haven't done this with everyone, but once in awhile. It clearly hasn't been a successful endeavor, but I tried and had some fun in the meantime. I don't know if these men found someone else or were saying what they needed to get laid. I'm older and with jobs, kids, responsibilities, aging parents, etc., there can be stonewalls, just when you thought you can get out there, so I really take what they say at face value and go from there. Again, it's up to you whether you want to pursue this. A conversation should be had about communication and where his head is at, but don't make it a drama. If he continues to be aloof, you're under no obligation to stay.
Shining One Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Make him invest, go the extra mile, you only start feeling special to them if they feel they've invested in you.That's funny. Women who "make me invest" are not special at all in my eyes. Women who demonstrate they are worth investing in... they are special.
Author JQC1 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) Probably, but not accusatory and probably not right away, but on the date. Part of this is if I wish to give it another shot. If I wasn't interested in trying one last time, I probably wouldn't respond to him at all. When he said he was "inappropriate," it suggests to me that he got a little carried away (so did you) and his intent wasn't necessarily a one night stand or a hookup or even to mess around quite as much. We don't know what his intent was. It could have been sex. And he shouldn't be implying that you are somehow at fault for his boner. It's what men do and it's their anatomy, and he is equally capable of putting a stop to anything that might be too much. Men are very familiar with blue balls, and it's not your job to cure it, nor is it your fault it happens. I would probably start off by saying it's good to hear from him when he texts or calls, and perhaps later, on the date (and behave, not lying, quite pleased as punch he contacted me), tell him that I thought he wasn't interest since he never texted, and see where the conversation goes. Hopefully an agreement could be met about better communication, etc. I wouldn't turn this into a "thing." I'm too old and too tired to worry too much about that anymore, and it's unnecessary drama for someone who put you on the back burner. Once they pull the ghosting act, my motivation drops significantly. The bottom line is if you want to take another chance on him or not. When you're in the privacy of a home, clothes have a tendency to come off or situations might escalate a bit too much, so if you're trying to avoid heavy petting or sex or "leading him on," etc., find something to do in public and just get to know each other. A picnic might be nice if the weather is good, or the dollar theater, if budgets are tight. I'm sure you can come up with something. I have gone out again with the initially disinterested, mostly for me, notsomuch for them...I just don't want to wonder, "What if," if I don't give it one last shot. That's how I am. It's not for everyone. I haven't done this with everyone, but once in awhile. It clearly hasn't been a successful endeavor, but I tried and had some fun in the meantime. I don't know if these men found someone else or were saying what they needed to get laid. I'm older and with jobs, kids, responsibilities, aging parents, etc., there can be stonewalls, just when you thought you can get out there, so I really take what they say at face value and go from there. Again, it's up to you whether you want to pursue this. A conversation should be had about communication and where his head is at, but don't make it a drama. If he continues to be aloof, you're under no obligation to stay. This is good advice, thank you. If he asked me out again, I think I would give it another chance but I would definitely bring up the commutation thing. At this point, I'm feeling a bit low and don't think he will be asking me out again... he's updated his dating app profile and I'm sure he will find other girls. But I won't wait for him, I'm moving on Edit: he also never said anything about blue balls or pressured me to do anything... on our most recent date, after kissing, he just put a pillow over himself. I'm not sure if that was for comfort or just to hide the boner though Edited September 8, 2017 by JQC1
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 That's funny. Women who "make me invest" are not special at all in my eyes. Women who demonstrate they are worth investing in... they are special. You're funny. You should want to invest yourself if you're into someone, she doesn't have to ask you to. She isn't asking him to take her to Bora Bora, but home dates and Netflix and think that's a date? Just saying that when a lame guy suggest "let's go Netflix and chill" she says something like "let's take a walk by the lake."
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