quinn83 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Hey Everyone, My SO just broke up with about a month ago. We had been dating for 2 years. Marriage, Kids, A future was in sight. However I recently decided I want to go back to school and well she didn't want that. She wanted us to continue to work save money and build a future. Even though I was unhappy. And well im young now and still in the routine of school so I might as well finish it now otherwise later on it may not be possible. Anyway she didn't agree and broke up with me. A week later she wanted to get back together because she realized she was wrong. Anyway she has treated me unfairly, disrespected me, put other things above me, hurt me many times. She's broken up with me almost 7 seven times now in the past and every time shes the one who initiates it and then always a day or a few days later wants to get back together because she realizes she's wrong. I'm always the one trying to be calm and rational. It's embarrassing and I can't do it anymore continue being broken up with and then getting back together again. My parents think im an Idiot and so do the rest of my friends. Here's a taste of what shes done in the past...She didnt plan anything for my birthday, a couple days before she said she was busy and sorry she didnt have time to get me anything. On the day of she didn't even get me a card, or even an email card or anything. On the day of my graduation, she went nuts and refused to come because she's insecure around my family and was yelling at me trying to make me feel bad 10 minutes before my parents, brother, sister and grandmas came to see my graduate. She did the same on my birthday refused to come celebrate my bday with my family because she felt insecure around my family, even though they are wonderful and always try to make her feel welcome. She eventually came but I had to force her and practically twist her arm (not literally ). The pictures of the night were terrible because I could see how much anger or whatever was under her fake smile. She's even been physical violent towards me... Anyway I know I have to move on... But I'm really having difficulty... She asked me if I wanted my stuff back and I said yeah leave it at the doorman... She said she would she never did... So finally I ran into her and asked, she gave me some of my stuff back...and then I had to ask her for my other things like she was purposely trying to hang onto them so I would have to come back again. Anyway she said she still has some things of mine in her garage, and I told her to call me after she was done work and ill come get those things. She never did again... So do you think she's not calling just to hold onto my things to get me to come over or so that she's not entirely losing me? Because if she has some of my things, she has an excuse to see me again or call me. What do you guys think??? What should I do? I'm having so much difficulty.. I just want to call her and say ill come pick my stuff up okay and get it over with... but for some reason I can't. Because I know thats probably the end after that... Even though I shouldn't care because shes not a good person and the relationship was bad. I need some wise words to just push me along. I can't help feeling maybe she'll change someday and that's why im having trouble letting go. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
manoffaith Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 My advice to you man is try to become an individual again. I know it can be so hard sometimes and your heart quivers at the thought of losing her completely. But you never know, losing her could be the best thing for you. You see as people we only see whats in front of us, we cant see the future. But if we give our lives to God he becomes the steering wheel in a sense. He is the potter and we are the clay. So my advice is to do things for your self again and help others that are going through a similar situation. And as time goes by you will regain your strength. I know you love her but you have to cut the cord because it is probably killing you inside when she does that to you. You desevrve someone who loves you for you and wont take you for granted. Maybe one day she will realize that, but for now strengthen yourself the best you can and eventually the pain will fade. God Bless bro.
pippen_2k Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Man..Depends how important and valuable these things are to you... If its stuff you dont really need and want, just cut your losses and let her keep it.. its really not worth the effort. If its expensive stuff try and get it as quick as possible, then disapear out of sight! As to letting go, theres no easy and quick way to get over her... as much as you have heard it before... its all about time.. time will make you get over her! You will quicken your recovery by totally avoiding all contact with her.If u linger around, try to be friends with her, or just keep in touch,you set yourself up for a long painfull time.... Good luck to what ever path you choose...
quinn83 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Thanks Guys, You see I have been through college before... I graduated from two programs. But I really didn't know what I truly want to do in life up until now. Because I had been working at an advertising agency before in NY, but It was a far commute and I gave it up paritally because it wasn't economically feasible anymore but more because I knew she wanted me to leave because she never got to see me anymore. I loved the job so much everything about it. And I knew before I was quitting I was making a mistake. But I did anyway. Anyway so to get another job in that industry that pays better, I have to go back to school to get my degree, so that's what I'm doing. I remember she used to criticize me because "I don't know what I want to do for my career" and well I'm sorry not everyone knows right from birth right ??? I can't be blamed for just finding out now what I want to do some people it takes them their whole life. I think that's why she broke up with me she won't admit it... And It wasn't like I wasn't getting good jobs or not completing school I finished both programs with great marks and got more than entry level jobs right away. Do you think I'm at fault?? And CK GUY She does all that stuff... Criticize me, Nit pick at me my appearance. Make fun of my work, Always making little pot shots. She even admitted to me once that she nit picks at my physical apperance to make her feel better because thinks shes not physically attractive enough to be my GF. She even made me get a blood test to see if I was healthy. Because I've been naturally a very skinny person with a high metabolism for my whole life same with my parents. She feels she is overweight, and standing next to me she feels worse so she made up some BS that she wants me to get a bloodtest because she thought I was ill because I'm so thin. Really only because of her own insecurities. She slapped me hard across the face once... because she couldnt find an article of clothing, and was stressing out and having a anxiety attack (another problem she has) I was looking on the ground in her room on my knees moving things around to try and find it for her, and shes a real neat freak and because I was moving things around making a mess a bit to try and find the article of clothing, I looked at her for a second and Wham! a slap across the face. I was fine obviously only a girl hitting me, but still it wasn't like I deserved it. That was a physically abusive hit. I moved away in shock and she came over right away saying how sorry she was blah blah blah BS stuff that comes from people like that. And the whole birthday thing. Like she was busy whatever with work and school and she was sick so I can sympathize a bit, but I mean if you love someone as much as she says she loved me and I was the one, than you should plan ahead for these things. I mean I was planning things like two weeks in advance ideas and stuff for her bday. And yeah she was sick on the day of my bday she went to school fine, access to a computer the whole day and internet... and yeah no Ecard or anything. Oh and whenever she doesnt like her appearance at the start of the day or she thinks she is really fat. If she really gets stressed I've seen her and had to stop her from hitting herself in the head with metal bottles of mousse or ripping her hair out. The list goes on.... I've tried so hard to help her with her problems. I used to tell her she was beautiful every day and I gave her so much love and smothered her all the time with hugs and kisses. Hoping she would let go of her mental problems and her insecurities. I got her flowers all the time and planned little romantic nights, I went to no end for her... Gave up everything Friends, My passions, My hobbies, My life almost my own family... But now I've drawn the line and It's OVER.
suegail Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 I can see that you sincerely care for her, but it's a no win situation, as others have already pointed out. She's not stable. She's got some serious problems and if it's like this now, I sort of shudder to think what the future would bring. Honestly, I would ask a good friend or relative to go over and get your things. Ask her to get the stuff boxed, set a time and have someone stop over and pick the things up. I would avoid situations which will put you at her front door. I just think you do need to let her know that in your mind it is over. You want to go to school, which you should - - apparently she doesn't care about what you want in life, but this is what you should do....you should move on and get your education. If you give her any opportunity, if you pick back up where you left off with her, I get the feeling you may never do the things you know you need to do. She'll discourage you. Onward and upward, my friend...
quinn83 Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 But Do you guys think It's bad that im going back to school again even though I've already gone to school? I don't think I should feel bad...I kinda regret taking other courses because at that time I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I mean sometimes thats the way it works for some people they don't find out right away.
sundrop Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Quinn83, Never bout bettering yourself, admire yourself for going to school. I am 31 and back in school. I had put off school for a while and finally decided to go back and will not quit until I feel I am done. If that means getting five degrees then so be it. School and education is someting you can't take away. It's something that you can do for you and nobody can take that away from you. I broke up with my ex a month ago and am so looking forward to starting school again this semester to help take up some of my "free time". Go to school get five degrees if you need to until you find your nitch, dont' second guess yourself on this one.
suegail Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 You should feel no guilt whatsoever: Go back to school and take the courses you need to help you reach your goal. You are doing the right thing. If it's what you want and you don't do it now, you'll someday regret it.
quinn83 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Thanks everyone.. I know going back to the school is right decision... And well the only thing that still makes me wonder.. Is like i said before we were planning on starting a life, getting a place, getting engaged etc etc all that stuff in the coming couple of years... So I know me going back to school kinda interferes with all those things pushes them ahead a bit in the future. But I still wanted to do all those things with her, its not like my feelings changed for her. But still she pushed the break up. I mean I told her right away when I started thinking I wanted to go back to school, and she was okay with it, because at the time she had talked about moving to Chicago for a year or so to get a better job and if I would still be with her and maintain the relationship, even though it would be a LDR and I agreed absolutely, and that's when I mentioned school and asked her the same thing if she would still be with me and maintain the relationship. Then when I actually made the decision she freaked out on me. She said the reason she is breaking up with me is because Initially when I applied to school 7 months ago to keep my doors open just incase I didn't get a good job right away, I didn't initially tell her about it because well I didn't think it mattered It wasn't like I was confirming my acceptance or anything. I was just applying for the sake of applying. Anyway going back 7 months ago, two weeks after I applied she found out and asked me about it and I told her I applied to keep my options open, and that I didn't plan on going back to school but maybe something in the future I might consider depending on what kind of job I got. She was fine with it, she didn't get mad or yell or anything. So now fast foward to present day, she says she is breaking up with me because I didn't initially tell her or consult her when I applied 7 months ago. What is that!? All my friends are telling me she is being selfish and controlling and she ended it because she really didn't want me to go back to school because it wasn't part of "her" plans. Because if she really loved me and cared, she would have never broken up with me. She would have wanted me to get the best education and be happy for me that I wanna get the job I enjoy and love. I even said I still would get engaged to her and be with her and give her that solid committment, but she refused to be engaged to someone still in school. She said that I would have nothing to offer to her. So I guess I kinda feel bad for realizing I want to go back to school now, because It does push other things that she expected/wanted a bit down the line, but I mean should I be dumped because of it?
sundrop Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Well it sounds like your friends have given you some pertty good advice Quinn83. I was in a relationship and he was so supportive of me going back to school and following my dreams. The only problem we had is I wanted to get married sometime in the future after I finished school and he couldn't tell me he did. If he would have told me he did want to get married sometime in the future I would have stuck around. People who really care about you, will be supportive of your dreams and goals in life and help you acheive them. To me it sounded as if for some reason she wanted out of the relationship and the only crappy excuse she could come up with is something that happen 7 months ago. It sound like she is not being honest with you about why she is ending the relationship. In the mean time, go to school, keep yourself busy. Who knows the cute blond sitting next to you in class, may be the next best thing.
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