tomoyo Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) So long story short on the start, I had a terrible breakup from my cheating lying piece of crap ex of four years in december (New years eve actually, *******). After being a complete train wreck for the first month I decided to try out tinder, my friend convinced me it would be a fun way for me to get my confidence up and flirt with a few guys. I ended up meeting this one guy off of there, and we had a GREAT first date, we just went for drinks but talked and joked for hours, i could tell we had great chemistry. At the end he asked what I was looking for, because he was looking for something more serious and had been burned on Tinder before. Foolishly i told him I was looking for something serious too, but the next day I realized that was a mistake. We texted a bit the next day, and I could tell he was really into me, but I had also realized that I was NOT over my ex or my breakup. I explained my situation to him, and he said he completely understood and offered to be friends, but i didn't talk to him after that. Flash forward to mid july, and I am totally over my ex and back on tinder, I went on a couple dates but nothing really clicks. Then I match with december guy again! We chat about what we had been up to and then he asks me for a second date. Again total chemistry and we have a great time. He texts and flirts with me every day, and we go out again the following monday for another great date. He tells me how happy he is we connected again. The wednesday I left for vacation in Italy for 2.5 weeks so he added me on instagram to follow my trip. We exchanged a few messages while I was away and he liked all my photos. When i got home we started talking every day again and made plans to get lunch on the saturday that weekend (we both had evening plans). The friday night we ended up both being at separate parties, but at the same new bar, I saw him a few times over the evening, but until the end of the night we let each other do our own thing, and then the last half hour he came and sat at my table with me (I didn't make a big deal about it and only introduced him to my one friend beside). He told me he had missed me while i was away and was happy I was home. The next day we had our lunch date, which turned into afternoon icecream which turned into going back to my place to make out on my couch until we both had to leave for our plans (PG rated). The day after that he was in my area so he came by just to see me for a quick hour (again we mostly just watched tv and made out). Last tuesday he had me over for dinner, when things started getting a little hot and heavier i told him i had only been with one person, and i wanted to take things slow. He said he had no problem with waiting, and asked me to spend the night because he would like my company. I stayed over but we didn't have sex (although there was a little bit of oral). The next evening he said it was really nice to wake up beside me, and that he hoped he wasn't coming on too strong but thought we had great chemistry and didn't want to play games around that and that he appreciated my honesty from day one in january. I told him I was completely on the same page as him. We texted all week, every morning he would send me a "have a great day!" text, even calling me 'babe' in a few of them. We didn't end up seeing each other again until sunday, when i gave him a ride to get his truck, and then went over to his house where we walked to get an ice cream and then watched a few episodes of a tv show. i was on my period so there was no way i was letting him get my pants off, but we made out shirts off for over and hour with some over the jeans touching. As i was leaving he asked if I would come to his friend's concert with him this saturday, where i would meet some of his friends. The next day (This monday) we went and had a few flirty rounds of mini golf, went for drinks, and then he came over for dinner. Over the day he mentioned talking to one of his friends about me and they were asking when they get to meet me. Then as we were preparing dinner he said he would have to learn what wine I liked so he can keep it on hand as his place because he was sure this was the first of many dinners together (he's a beer drinker and i'm a wine only girl). He even at one point made a joke about hoping to not make an ass of himself when he meets my family. After dinner we were again making out on the couch, things were getting a little more heated and he asked if I wanted to move to the bedroom. I was hesitant and he immediately said "don't worry, I know we aren't having sex tonight that wasn't what I meant". We eventually ended up in the bedroom, when he tried to initiate oral I stopped him and said it was my time of the month, but instead I did reciprocate to him. We fell asleep for a bit and when he woke up he asked what I wanted to do for the night. I told him he was welcome to stay over, so he agreed and we went to sleep. I'm pretty sure it was a terrible sleep for both of us, i appologized for for tossing around so much and he said "it's no big deal, just getting used to each other" and then he kissed me goodbye at the door and left. He felt a bit off as he left, like he was in a rush, but I chalked it up to him being tired and having to get to work. So, to me all of that makes it seem like this is really going somewhere. BUT here is what is throwing me off. Since i met him he has been a terrible texted, his texts are always very short and vague and not into the conversation. He will text me first almost every time, every morning to tell me to have a great day, usually check in at some point in the afternoon, and sometimes in the evening to see how my night was. He almost always initiates that, but when i try and get a conversation going beyond a check in its like talking to a wall. This week especially, since monday night he has seemed even more reserved, no emojis or anything. He also hasn't asked to see me at all this week, I mean I guess we saw each other sunday and monday, and have plans tomorrow, but the last few weeks he has usually texted me saying "can't wait to see you again!" at some point or sent cute emojis and been really flirty. This week? none of those. I'm worried that i did something to turn him off, but it just seems so strange when we was SO into me monday, even after i explained we weren't having sex, and he spent the night. Last night he texted me to see how my evening was, I was at a pottery class so i texted him back a couple hours later. He didn't respond which is weird so after an hour i was on facebook and thought I would check and see if he had been online, so I opened his chat bubble and accidentally waved at him (I had never sent him a message on there so it was still the first option at the top of the screen) 10 minutes later he texted me back, and sent a "hiiiiii" back to my wave. Now i'm worried he thinks i'm one of those girls that sends more messages when they don't hear from you. On top of this, this morning is the first time I haven't received the "have a great day!"/good morning text from him, despite him being online. I'm just worried that him not being as flirty over text this week, plus that, means that he may be loosing interest. i know he still has a tinder account, I don't know if he still is seeing other girls, but I know he still has one. I know i'm over analyzing a lot here. But I can't help myself. I like this guy a LOT, he is the first decent guy i have met in a long time, and after how awful my last relationship was with my ex I just really want things to go well with a nice guy for once. My friends think it has been enough time to ask him where this is going, but with him feeling a little distant this week, and the fact that i always believed that the man should be the one to initiate that (I'm all about equality and that, I just always think relationships go better when the guy chases). Plus i don't know if this enough time has passed, I deleted my tinder because outside of this guy I didn't like the men I was meeting on there, and after the first few dates if I like a guy I like to focus on them, I find it hard to really get to know more than one at a time. Sorry this is so long, I just find myself really anxious about it all and would really like some solid advice. I think my ex left a little damage behind, and I am afraid of screwing things with this guy up. He's 29 I'm 27 if that helps. Edited September 8, 2017 by tomoyo
Redhead14 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) By now, you should have had a conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys. If you are looking for a long-term committed relationship for yourself and he says he's just looking for casual dating, including sex, you move on. You should make sure you're on the same page in terms of overall dating goals first. Yes, you should let the guy initiate for the first few dates, but you've been a little intimate with him, so you can and should initiate some now. You can reach out with a light text if you like. And, then sit back and observe. And, I always tell women that the first time they do get intimate with a guy, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows her otherwise. I know you didn't go all the way, but it sounds like you did him a little "favor". Sit back and chill a bit. Get busy with your life and focus on you. I also don't like the "faux intimacy" attitude. Like, "I told him I won't go all the way, but I did everything else". All that does, it prime the pump so to speak so that they'll keep sniffing around because they know you're close to "all the way" until they get that and then they disappear. If you're serious about not having sex until you're in, at least, an exclusive relationship, don't send wishy-washy messages. Sex is sex, IMO. Edited September 8, 2017 by Redhead14 2
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I believe somewhere in there you said he confirmed he was looking for something serious so he is. It doesn't mean it will be with you, or it will happen right away. Also you met him mid-July and left on a 2,5 week vacations which means you have had 4 weeks of face time together. Which is not a lot but it's enough for you to stop counting who text first. You need to initiate more and you also need to organize dates and do the invitation yourself. It's Friday, offer him a date for this weekend. Texting less is to be expected at some point. Maybe he is dealing with something you are not aware of at work or with family. I agree with Redhead that sex is sex. If you don't want sex than don't go pleasing a man with oral. I would never please a man with oral BEFORE we had been fully intimate. I am not an escort to give oral left and right to men I had a couple of dates with. So, conclusion: People have lives outside of dating and he may be dealing with something. I would initiate a date for the weekend and no oral! and see how things are unfolding. Maybe he lost interest, that's what dating is about, you date and figure out if the person is what you want or not, it's no one's fault if one of you change his mind. If you see each other during the weekend and it's great and his interest is renewed then you can ask him what he thinks of dating exclusively. His answer will reveal a lot. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I pretty much agree with redhead. Oral sex is sex, and but some perspectives more intimate than piv intercourse. If you don't feel comfortable having sex with someone without knowing where you stand emotionally, you will probably feel uncomfortable if they bounce after oral sex. I don't know if that is the case here, but it isn't a great sign communication dropped so much. Id give it like a week to see if he contacts you and makes plans to see you. If not I would just let him go . 1
olivetree Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I wouldn't step up when a guy is declining. It sets you up to chase. As Cookies suggested, I would hang back and see what he does, carry on with my life. And agree with the others - don't put the p in your mouth if you're not ready for the v. 2
staggerlee71 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 It reads to me that this guy is on point with letting you know he has a lot of interest. Learning your wine so he could keep it stocked was a smooth move. My take: You weren't over your boyfriend and decided a break was the course of action. Your back and SAY your over it. He initiates most of texts and communication. He hasn't forgotten what happened the first time. Forget about chasing, not chasing. Maybe its time you initiate some communication. show more interest. He may feel like he is putting in work and your actions are not adequately reciprocated. Throw him a good morning text first, initiate a bit, plan a date. That will show you whats up
Author tomoyo Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 I appreciate all the advice on here, I knew I probably shouldn't have let things get to oral sex before I had established a commitment, so I'm going to try and hold out on that until that conversation has happened. In your opinions should I be initiating that question? We are going to his friend's concert together tomorrow night and going to my place after. Is this an appropriate time to bring it up? Have we been seeing each other long enough to ask? and most importantly is it okay for the girl to ask, or should I be waiting for him to make that move?
NEB01 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Coming from a guy: If you have to question it, this wont end up in a good relationship. Cut off the sex and see what happens. 1
act00 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 This guy seems genuinely interested. Go with it. One date at a time. It's normal for communication to drop. There's only so much to say all day, every day. If you feel his interest is dropping due to your period, this guy is going to have a long, hard, and difficult life, every 28 days, and he will implode the first time he has to buy tampons or pads for his daughter...and he thinks the stork brought her. Sex is sex. My mind is completely blown that people think oral isn't "real sex" and equates it to "necking." It's still sex, even if there isn't penetration, but I guess you get to claim virgin and you don't "sleep around" if that hymen stays intact and that vagina remains untouched but the mouth goes everywhere...and those pesky tampons...oh no, something went in the vagina! Don't overthink it. He seems interested. If his whole world revolves around your vagina and the fact the orifice is off limits once a month, then you have some thinking to do. He seems to be fully smitten with you, and texting has dropped. It's okay to ask about it. He might be unsure because let's face it, he's a guy and may not fully understand the protocol of basic female function...like a rejection...I don't know. We all know (mostly), but we don't know...so communicate.
Gaeta Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I appreciate all the advice on here, I knew I probably shouldn't have let things get to oral sex before I had established a commitment, so I'm going to try and hold out on that until that conversation has happened. In your opinions should I be initiating that question? We are going to his friend's concert together tomorrow night and going to my place after. Is this an appropriate time to bring it up? Have we been seeing each other long enough to ask? and most importantly is it okay for the girl to ask, or should I be waiting for him to make that move? If I were you I would give it another week or 2 to see how it unfolds. His communication dropped and you need to check his attitude tomorrow. I don't like you're heading to your place after the concert. If you don't want sex then don't have men over, it sends the wrong signal. I also don't like that out of 6 dates only ONE was not about hanging at your home or his. Going to each other's home is not dating. At 29 he knows how to properly date a woman. You should have been to restaurants, movies, fairs, parks, clubs, instead of all this chilling home at night. 4
Miss Spider Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 (edited) Coming from a guy: If you have to question it, this wont end up in a good relationship. Cut off the sex and see what happens. I agree...if you have to question things usually you guys are not on the same page The thing with intentionally withholding sex (whether penetration of v, mouth, or any other orifice(s) )is that once you cross that bridge going back looks like a hella manipulative tactic. ...And it kind of is Whether he has feels or not he will not take kindly to withdrawing it suddenly without explanation. If anything he's expecting more or escalation. So I think it's time to have the convo with him if you intend to do that... Edited September 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 This is just me, but I wouldn't bring it up just yet especially that things have felt uncertain and rocky. Wait until things feel a bit more stable and build up to that place naturally. Just focus on having fun now, not everything has to be decided NOW, you know? Let him see that you're fun person. Let him have a chance to feel that potential, but since he seems like he's been assessing things, I'd give it time to ask, don't hit it while it's hot. Yet. If he's been uncertain, last thing you want to do is scare him. 1
InvisiBlonde Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 We are going to his friend's concert together tomorrow night and going to my place after. Is this an appropriate time to bring it up? Have we been seeing each other long enough to ask? and most importantly is it okay for the girl to ask, or should I be waiting for him to make that move? I am literally old enough to be your mother (eek!). Those of us who didn't know it ahead of time found out very quickly that inviting a man home after a date meant only one thing to virtually all of them, especially after you've (as we used to call it) gone below the waist. Remember: A hard d*** has no conscience. 2
olivetree Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Don't go back to your place if you've already been fooling around, don't want to have sex and no longer want to fool around either. You come off as a tease. He probably already doesn't take you seriously when you say you don't want to have sex given that you've give him oral sex, etc. Just go to the concert and either do something in public after or end the night there. Btw, if you have plans to go to a concert tonight, sounds like things might not be declining after all? 3
InvisiBlonde Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Btw, if you have plans to go to a concert tonight, sounds like things might not be declining after all? . . . he's rubbing his hands together thinkin' he's gonna finally close the deal. 2
joseb Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Don't go back to your place if you've already been fooling around, don't want to have sex and no longer want to fool around either. You come off as a tease. Exactly. It almost feels like you are enjoying getting him hot and bothered and then shutting it down. And before, when you said you were not looking for anything serious, why were you on tinder? People are on their either to hook up (sex) or to look for a relationship.... Anyway, as I guy I'd say he's just got frustrated with it all and is looking at other options. I would too.
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