Red flags or new relationship anxiety?

[BryanSmiley]

Loads more info here.

 

You got love bombed and for some reason you didn't act upon the red flags you recognised at the time - maybe due to lowered self esteem or a distraction going on in your life.

 

If you ever find yourself again skipping a lot of pages at your own detriment to catch up with the page the other person is on you're missing the story and you'll never understand the end of the rest of the book.

You won't get an answer, she's already half way through the sequel.

 

Gemma, appreciate I've added a lot of info but I had added some of it in bits and pieces before. There's an element of quick to point the finger and lecture - still. But I do accept what you're saying. Who knows what her reason/s are. But to have confirmed on the phone of a would be date tonight, then hours later block me - is simply crazy. One min it's all my fault for being bossy about red flags, now it's not acting on the red flags enough? I can't really do any right with you!?! Thanks for basically insinuating she's definitely moving on and with someone else, in a nice poetic line too!

[BryanSmiley]

Ugh again all so similar to my story with the guy I met on OLD 8 weeks ago.

 

The thing is: nobody likes unanswered questions and not knowing if the other one will initiate contact. She included. So my bet is she will get back to you sooner than later at very least out of curiosity if you get quiet on her.

 

It is maybe worth strategizing how to take it from there if of course you're still interested by then. I wouldn't wait in suspense if I were you, see other prospects. That gives you the power position.

 

A friend has offered to text her what I'd wanna get out and say. But I'm probably in agreement to just leave it. It just honestly wouldn't surprise me if she's convinced herself I've done something to deserve being blocked, i.e. with regards to the whole having female friends around.

 

I really did like the girl but I can't currently foresee any way out of of forwards from this latest issue. Save from some serious explanations and responsibility taken her side on her actions and issues. And there's no evidence she'll do that. So as much as it pains to say, it's probably best just entirely leaving it. I messaged her on Tinder (where we met) that nothing would ever happen with any female friends, and to just let me know what's going on at least. Whether she'll see it or not who knows.

[GemmaUK]

After my last relationship I came to realise not only did I tolerate some red flags from the ex gf, it added to my insecurities, increased my anxiety and contributed to the breakup. I broke up with this ex a few months ago, was with her on/off for 5 months. Basically I tolerated her being too flaky, not committed enough, hot/cold, and I've since done a lot of introspection. I handled it 'okay' and whilst I of course hold some blame and have learnt I should set firmer boundaries, her selfishness and poor communication were definitely key to my anxieties and all combined caused the downfall of the relationship.

 

The past month I've been dating a girl and we hit it off right away. She was very forthcoming about how excited she was to have met me, feels good things ahead, and "hope's I'm her last date ever". After a few dates and being intimate she raised the exclusivity topic and we agreed we'd now be exclusive. After a couple of more dates she mentioned label's and BF/GF. After another couple of dates recently I agreed. She was dead excited and we have a funny phrase at each other of "I'm very in like with you".

 

However since that point I've noticed her stepping back a bit and I'm struggling to decide how much is my prior in-securities vs. her actual behavior. I'll bullet point some examples.

 

-For the first 2 weeks we were messaging everyday, she'd initiate 7/10 and often with cute morning messages.

-The past 2 weeks since agreeing to the label it's almost switched, and there's days of no contact. Some nights I've initiated talks towards bed time which go fairly well. Other-times I've held off - trying to maintain a balance. But she's definitely already less talkative and says less complimentary or cute things. Could be normal for it to tone down after a couple of weeks, maybe not to this degree.

 

-She's talked somewhat jokingly about her possibilities of moving her job to my town at the beginning of next year if things worked out, and was already considering as such before. Now this was light hearted and we joke about how in some ways we've gone fast, I've expressed maybe showing down, but overall it's worked and is great.

-We live an hour apart, she recently sold her car so is reliant on public transport. When trying to arrange our next date via text the other day we found were both busy and she's working at the weekend. She then said with the distance and her work schedule she's finding this difficult. I took that as a potential doubt in her mind it could work out.

 

-I suggested if she's not willing to make the effort she give me a call. She did an hour later and I said well I'm willing to make the effort but did say selling her car doesn't help. She said she's willing to make the effort and the conversation went more casual. She then said she's applied for a job in Norway. Startled and kinda amused, I remarked "well that's adding to the distance, perhaps we don't have a future if you're looking to move abroad".

-Now I admit I can pressure things and it's too early for conversations like this. But to have just said an hour distance is a lot, I found it flabbergasting how she could casually mention considering moving abroad. I said I wouldn't expect you to invest in me if I was looking to move abroad. She accepted she handled it wrong and would want to explore possibilities of me going abroad with her. Which I said maybe down the line. When I revisited meeting Sunday evening she said she suggest we both cool down and decide later.

 

We've had some light hearted messages, pictures since, no contact today. I think it's probably 50/50 between my not handling these things well early on, anxiety etc. - but in trying to set firmer boundaries early it seems to be causing slight rows and her distancing herself. But then unless anyone thinks I'm mad - I really don't want to find myself 3 months in with a girl only for her to move away. I'd rather know the full truth and make a judgement. Fair!?

 

Genuinely interested in peoples views on how I've handled it, and whether I should tone it down, initiate or say something in particular, or initiate contact a little less for awhile. Thanks.

 

OP, First off I am not implying she's with anyone else, I'm saying she won't even remember things she said back six weeks ago most likely as she is messed up.

 

Your first post here is very unclear and pretty different timeline wise as to what happened when, whether things were 'mentioned', 'joked about' or serious compared to the list you posted today.

 

Pointing the finger, yes, I am, simply because that first paragraph of yours above indicates this is a cycle of not heeding red flags and for that you need to look to yourself and why you do it.

 

I myself have swept red flags under the carpet a couple of times in the past. I took responsibility for that completely, I did some introspection, learned what to look for in them and in me and to recognise what the consequence of sweeping the red flag under the carpet would be.

 

I am hoping you can do the same for yourself so that this doesn't become a more regularly occurring theme. You don't want to become the common denominator with the same things happening again due to not acting upon hefty bad signals.

It's already happened with two people for you, don't let it happen again. You can have control over what you do and who you date.

[BryanSmiley]

OP, First off I am not implying she's with anyone else, I'm saying she won't even remember things she said back six weeks ago most likely as she is messed up.

 

Your first post here is very unclear and pretty different timeline wise as to what happened when, whether things were 'mentioned', 'joked about' or serious compared to the list you posted today.

 

Pointing the finger, yes, I am, simply because that first paragraph of yours above indicates this is a cycle of not heeding red flags and for that you need to look to yourself and why you do it.

 

I myself have swept red flags under the carpet a couple of times in the past. I took responsibility for that completely, I did some introspection, learned what to look for in them and in me and to recognise what the consequence of sweeping the red flag under the carpet would be.

 

I am hoping you can do the same for yourself so that this doesn't become a more regularly occurring theme. You don't want to become the common denominator with the same things happening again due to not acting upon hefty bad signals.

It's already happened with two people for you, don't let it happen again. You can have control over what you do and who you date.

 

I can get more on board with this post finally Gemma. Look this is grey I think, because by the time you've gotten to your 30's, had a few relationships, is there not often going to be some kind of potential 'red flag' that you over looked or overcame!?

 

Yes once it hasn't worked out as most relationships don't, it's easy and somewhat right to reflect and take stock. But when you have someone investing in you, you've invested in them, it becomes a balance of trying to compromise and work through things.

 

I do think there's things for me to learn here as there always is with failed relationships. But you must also appreciate the full picture. You've challenged me for being bossy being a key cause. But I was trying to pick her up on potential and borderline red flags. I had noticed them and was trying to give her the opportunity to work through things.

 

Now you also say I haven't acted on red flags and have swept them under the carpet.

 

Which is it now, it can't be both!?

 

I can't rewrite history. I could've taken a slightly different tactic or tone at the noticing of these possible red flags (not convinced would've made too much difference). Or I could've walked two weeks ago.

 

Also at the beginning and mid part of this thread I was over analysing and playing my side of negatives because I'm in control of what I can do to give things a chance. So I can see why this focused on my and those things.

 

But ultimately I think it's become clear that the last 2 weeks with this girl, I've been trying to dangle a carrot above a turtles head. A slightly loony unstable turtle at that.

 

Oh well, I tried, rolled the dice. Live and learn.

[GemmaUK]

I was trying to pick her up on potential and borderline red flags. I had noticed them and was trying to give her the opportunity to work through things.

 

Now you also say I haven't acted on red flags and have swept them under the carpet.

 

Which is it now, it can't be both!?

 

 

With so very many red flags all so very soon into meeting someone the heeding and acting upon them isn't about talking about them it's about running for the hills!

 

It seems you've contacted her anyway, no matter the advice from NG so, good luck OP!

[BryanSmiley]

With so very many red flags all so very soon into meeting someone the heeding and acting upon them isn't about talking about them it's about running for the hills!

 

It seems you've contacted her anyway, no matter the advice from NG so, good luck OP!

 

Fair point. Perhaps so. It wasn't quite as over the line that I was running. I think it would be fair to say I could've walked two weeks ago. Yes.

 

I only contacted and sent that text last night. I've done nothing today and am resisting making any kind of contact.

[olivetree]

OP, I hope that you do not take her back if she comes around after disappearing on you twice.

Ghosting you is cruel and selfish.

You need to get angry, not keep providing her reassurance as if you've done something wrong.

With this one, I would recommend blocking so you've no temptation if she does get back in touch.

 

You mention wanting to have stronger boundaries because you basically let your ex walk all over you.

It's good that you recognize that, but simply being aware of having your boundaries crossed and talking about the red flags is not enforcing them.

You enforce your boundaries with your actions (consequences), not through talking.

So when someone isn't treating you right, you might talk about it once or twice, but if it doesn't improve, you walk away.

 

Even though the relationship appears to be over, it's not too late to enforce some hard lines.

When someone you're in a relationship with ghosts you, you cut them out of your life for good.

[No_Go]

Eh OP why did you start writing to her on Tinder??

 

I'm pretty sure that the female friends had nothing to do with the blocking but now since you mentioned it - it is a problem because she may consider you being insecure....

 

Seriously - if you want to have ANY chance with her - stop apologizing - you've done nothing wrong, SHE needs to figure herself out and contact you.

 

Now I don't know what to advise - you breached her privacy basically with writing to her after she blocked you.... I hope there is still some chance...

[BryanSmiley]

Eh OP why did you start writing to her on Tinder??

 

I'm pretty sure that the female friends had nothing to do with the blocking but now since you mentioned it - it is a problem because she may consider you being insecure....

 

Seriously - if you want to have ANY chance with her - stop apologizing - you've done nothing wrong, SHE needs to figure herself out and contact you.

 

Now I don't know what to advise - you breached her privacy basically with writing to her after she blocked you.... I hope there is still some chance...

 

Tinder was where we met and where our original Comms were. Figured if she'd blocked me she doesn't seem to there so might see it. I didn't apologise. Just said if it's that, I would never cheat.

 

That was last night after she blocked me. Not contacted today. Date was supposed to be an hour ago, obviously I've just not shown and am going out with friends.

 

I really don't see any way I'd be willing to move forwards. I coulda handled the odd thing better but ultimately there's so many red flags, bizarre issues her side, I'm not interested. I shoulda walked already.

[No_Go]

Ugh she stood you up for a date you planned?? That's nasty, I missed that part.

 

Yeah she must come back with gigantic apology for any sane person to consider her after what she has done... Sorry it went that way.

 

Tinder was where we met and where our original Comms were. Figured if she'd blocked me she doesn't seem to there so might see it. I didn't apologise. Just said if it's that, I would never cheat.

 

That was last night after she blocked me. Not contacted today. Date was supposed to be an hour ago, obviously I've just not shown and am going out with friends.

 

I really don't see any way I'd be willing to move forwards. I coulda handled the odd thing better but ultimately there's so many red flags, bizarre issues her side, I'm not interested. I shoulda walked already.

[BryanSmiley]

Ugh she stood you up for a date you planned?? That's nasty, I missed that part.

 

Yeah she must come back with gigantic apology for any sane person to consider her after what she has done... Sorry it went that way.

 

We had a date planned for Fri night. We confirmed on the call Thursday evening, that I'd drive to hers for 6pm. Then the picture messages and block occurred.

 

Obviously I've just not shown.

[Usename12]

I've had something similar happen. I dated a woman for a month and when we set up our next date, she said she'll get back to me but never did. After a couple of follow up texts several days apart, she never responded and basically just ghosted. She might have met another guy, just wasn't feeling it anymore, whatever. Who knows? Actually I saw her back in the dating app later. She didn't even have the courtesy to say no thanks or respond at all, but left me dangling for a week and a half. The trouble is I've seen this type of poor behavior several times. I don't know what it is. I think a lot of young women today are so scared of anything unpleasant that they can't even tell a guy that something is over. It's frankly very immature and cowardly but also pretty common it seems. You're not alone in this.

[Logo]

Her immature and impulsive behavior borders on comical. I've come across a few people like that. I think her behavior just screams inexperienced and unstable. And impulsive, re: the car. Why sell the car before she's certain she got the job in Norway?

 

I don't understand why she sent the photo of her watching Game of Thrones alone. If you ever get an answer, I would be curious to know.