Red flags or new relationship anxiety?

[Popsicle]

 

All I'd say is I think there's slightly less of a multi date culture in the UK, and it's not so unusual to be exclusive after a few weeks, and have a label after a month. Then give it a good run of things.

 

How sad that the US is probably known as a multi-date culture. Sigh.

 

Some of us still won't do it.

[coolheadal]

After my last relationship I came to realise not only did I tolerate some red flags from the ex gf, it added to my insecurities, increased my anxiety and contributed to the breakup. I broke up with this ex a few months ago, was with her on/off for 5 months. Basically I tolerated her being too flaky, not committed enough, hot/cold, and I've since done a lot of introspection. I handled it 'okay' and whilst I of course hold some blame and have learnt I should set firmer boundaries, her selfishness and poor communication were definitely key to my anxieties and all combined caused the downfall of the relationship.

 

The past month I've been dating a girl and we hit it off right away. She was very forthcoming about how excited she was to have met me, feels good things ahead, and "hope's I'm her last date ever". After a few dates and being intimate she raised the exclusivity topic and we agreed we'd now be exclusive. After a couple of more dates she mentioned label's and BF/GF. After another couple of dates recently I agreed. She was dead excited and we have a funny phrase at each other of "I'm very in like with you".

 

However since that point I've noticed her stepping back a bit and I'm struggling to decide how much is my prior in-securities vs. her actual behavior. I'll bullet point some examples.

 

-For the first 2 weeks we were messaging everyday, she'd initiate 7/10 and often with cute morning messages.

-The past 2 weeks since agreeing to the label it's almost switched, and there's days of no contact. Some nights I've initiated talks towards bed time which go fairly well. Other-times I've held off - trying to maintain a balance. But she's definitely already less talkative and says less complimentary or cute things. Could be normal for it to tone down after a couple of weeks, maybe not to this degree.

 

-She's talked somewhat jokingly about her possibilities of moving her job to my town at the beginning of next year if things worked out, and was already considering as such before. Now this was light hearted and we joke about how in some ways we've gone fast, I've expressed maybe showing down, but overall it's worked and is great.

-We live an hour apart, she recently sold her car so is reliant on public transport. When trying to arrange our next date via text the other day we found were both busy and she's working at the weekend. She then said with the distance and her work schedule she's finding this difficult. I took that as a potential doubt in her mind it could work out.

 

-I suggested if she's not willing to make the effort she give me a call. She did an hour later and I said well I'm willing to make the effort but did say selling her car doesn't help. She said she's willing to make the effort and the conversation went more casual. She then said she's applied for a job in Norway. Startled and kinda amused, I remarked "well that's adding to the distance, perhaps we don't have a future if you're looking to move abroad".

-Now I admit I can pressure things and it's too early for conversations like this. But to have just said an hour distance is a lot, I found it flabbergasting how she could casually mention considering moving abroad. I said I wouldn't expect you to invest in me if I was looking to move abroad. She accepted she handled it wrong and would want to explore possibilities of me going abroad with her. Which I said maybe down the line. When I revisited meeting Sunday evening she said she suggest we both cool down and decide later.

 

We've had some light hearted messages, pictures since, no contact today. I think it's probably 50/50 between my not handling these things well early on, anxiety etc. - but in trying to set firmer boundaries early it seems to be causing slight rows and her distancing herself. But then unless anyone thinks I'm mad - I really don't want to find myself 3 months in with a girl only for her to move away. I'd rather know the full truth and make a judgement. Fair!?

 

Genuinely interested in peoples views on how I've handled it, and whether I should tone it down, initiate or say something in particular, or initiate contact a little less for awhile. Thanks.

 

Why you do what you do is beyond me, but you have someone who's willingness to but up with your behavior is what I see here. Why not give into her wants and needs. It's not always about you this time around. Do you want a puppy dog sounds like if you keep this up this so call new relationship won't last another month. Stop what your doing and saying work with her. She wants you to come to her then go! Why in the world do you have to think the worst of things. Really get a clue and work with her okay!

[BryanSmiley]

We video called last night. Had a light catch up about our weekends. She said how stressed and busy she is with work. I admitted that I had probably added to her stress a little with some pressure. We had a 20 min good conversation, and then text until about 1am, talking about various things. We've agreed to take it slower and see if we can move forwards. There was kisses in the messages and things again. And a cheeky photo or two which had died down the prior 3 days.

 

Today we exchanged a few messages and I wished her luck with work as she has some dispute with a manager.

 

Still seems it's shifted to me having to initiate. She's said she felt I was a bit bossy, and I just said I didn't set firm boundaries in my last relationship and had gone too far the other way here, more because I want to give this a good shot for being healthy long term, and not sit quiet about potential red flags.

 

She was a little flaky as to when to meet up. I have friends over the next two nights and she couldn't give me a straight answer as to meeting Wednesday night. The tricky part now is judging what kind of contact and how much is best given her, the situation and things. I'd like to do something fun Wednesday and shake some of the cob webs off, but I don't want to push it too much.

[d0nnivain]

What is there to discuss? You already know she has plans to relocate for work. She already thinks you are too bossy but she doesn't have enough boundaries to stand up to you so she's acquiescing but I doubt it's because she really wants this to work. She's just not strong enough to say back off.

 

 

This is what happens when people go too fast in the beginning & put too much stock in texting. It gives you a false sense of intimacy.

 

 

Let her go.

 

 

Next relationship only evaluate its quality based on your in person interactions & don't have faith in tomorrow until at least month 3. New relationships are fragile. You can't push too hard but you have to nurture them without being smothering. It's a delicate balance. You can't treat a new person the same way you would treat a long term partner whom you have grown to love & trust over the years.

[GemmaUK]

She is doing her best to pull away from someone she views as bossy.

 

She's just too exhausted with work and stress and the stress of dating you to stop all this once and for all.

 

It does seem like it's all about you OP, why on earth keep someone up chatting via text until 1am when you already know that person is stressed out?

That is so very inconsiderate.

 

Please just stop pushing, stop being bossy, stop with talking her around and leave her be.

[BryanSmiley]

None of these points are wrong per say. But easy too guys, woh.

 

She doesn't plan to move abroad per say, she says she open to moving to a few locations as am I, and said that's changing the closer she gets to me. Hence bringing up move to my town as a possibility. Obviously even though she doesn't think she'll get this latest application abroad, it was still a red flag to me. But I accept adding pressure around that so early is only going to push her away.

 

The texting until 1 was mutual, she's struggled to sleep until 2am lately and was on a late work start the next morning. I did say let's sleep now and we both did. She was sending pics of her and things it wasn't like I was forcing it at all.

 

She's mentioned before being disappointed I hadn't text all day. I accept the points though, and have said the same to her that I'll keep it light and am here for her re; the work stresses. I shan't text her again today and will just give her space.

[BryanSmiley]

She just called after work, whilst she was shopping. Had a nice conversation, she shared some of her stresses with work and I was more supportive.

 

She mentioned when we'd next meetup and I said I didn't want to seem pushy, am trying to give you more space so you say when's good. Said she'd let me know tonight, and we agreed it'd be nice to do something fun. Finished up the call as she was paying for something, said she'd call again later.

[No_Go]

That actually sounds pretty good. Since she's fragile/undecisive now (although it seems she really likes you!) - let her lead. Show interest but let her be bossy. Show her understanding, encourage her plans. I think she may have felt trapped or in some way thought you'd interfere with her career or something else she wanted to do. By showing you you won't - she will start spinning her thoughts for sure - thinking whether it was right to reject you. Whether this will stabilize your RL is not certain of course, but there is a solid chance IMO.

 

She just called after work, whilst she was shopping. Had a nice conversation, she shared some of her stresses with work and I was more supportive.

 

She mentioned when we'd next meetup and I said I didn't want to seem pushy, am trying to give you more space so you say when's good. Said she'd let me know tonight, and we agreed it'd be nice to do something fun. Finished up the call as she was paying for something, said she'd call again later.

[BryanSmiley]

So here's the latest. Her having called me on her lunch on Monday for 20 minutes, then us video calling that night, I went from probably over anxious to feeling more comfortable and optimistic about things. She was seemingly coming on strong again, calling me darling, being cheeky, all positive.

 

She then called me at 1am again which woke me up. Now a little startled by this I tried to not be grumpy upon being woken up and said what's up. She said I'm just calling to say goodnight. We chatted for like a minute or two. I cracked a joke. I think she could sense it was a little odd to call at that time. Said goodnight.

 

Tuesday morning I initiated a standard text about beauty sleep, she responded “I got some thanks, how about you”. She said after talking she couldn't sleep as she was thinking about some horror movie. I said, well in that case, call me when you need to. I joked about watching the new 'It' movie this Friday to which she said that'd be great, and we agreed not to tease each other afterwards and ‘play nicely’.

 

In the evening she messaged asking if her glasses were at mine. I called and said I've looked around but no. She answered the call with hey babe, and it was a nice 10 min chat. She got grumpy towards then end when she mentioned still having her period a week onwards. Now my gut feeling is this is in part exacerbating her odd, hot/hold behaviour (hormones). I just said that must be adding to your stress. She seemed a rush to end the call, so I just said have a good work out, she said you too, bye’s.

 

I instantly felt she’d suddenly gone cold again. I resisted contacting her again that night to give her some space. I could see from WhatsApp she was last up at 2am. I just knew from communication patterns that it was off of her to not have text after the gym or when she was up so late. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but like I say, I had a hunch before when she’d gone slightly cold and I have exactly the same strong gut feeling today.

 

I know it’s in part my anxiety and trying to avoid another failed relationship. But in terms of my behaviour, support, contact, her contact the past few days – I really don’t think there’s much I’ve done wrong here if at all. I messaged her morning, I know you have a stressful day at work today, let me know how you are. I’ve heard nothing which is definitely odd.

 

The more I think about it the more I’m almost laughing because I really do think she has some psychological issues in terms of her behaviour, it’s gotten me questioning myself, being hard on my mishaps. And that playing it any way I have or another way may unfortunately make no difference. I have a strong gut feeling of an impending text breaking it up again, from the patterns. It could be my being over anxious but I’m very tempted to trust it. It’s then the feeling of shall I just call it quits rather than play this game and wait. Because it isn’t normal to experience such on/off behaviour!?!

[1fish2fish]

 

The more I think about it the more I’m almost laughing because I really do think she has some psychological issues in terms of her behaviour, it’s gotten me questioning myself, being hard on my mishaps. And that playing it any way I have or another way may unfortunately make no difference. I have a strong gut feeling of an impending text breaking it up again, from the patterns. It could be my being over anxious but I’m very tempted to trust it. It’s then the feeling of shall I just call it quits rather than play this game and wait. Because it isn’t normal to experience such on/off behaviour!?!

 

 

Did I miss something? Did you guys agree to date again? After she said she felt it wasn't the best time for her to have a bf?

[BryanSmiley]

Did I miss something? Did you guys agree to date again? After she said she felt it wasn't the best time for her to have a bf?

 

Yes, read back. We resolved things and agreed to move on shortly after.

[knabe]

You have already exhausted ME. I can't imagine how she feels. You need to stop over thinking and microanalyzing.

[BryanSmiley]

You have already exhausted ME. I can't imagine how she feels. You need to stop over thinking and microanalyzing.

 

I accept that's a part of it. But the way the past few days have transpired I really don't think it's mostly down to that.

 

I've not chased her much at all, she's initiated about 70% of the time, and keeps setting a standard and her personal preference of regular daily contact. I'm at ease for awhile, am not analysing these things at all. But then I notice a red flag or her attitude shift and my gut tells me something is off.

 

Then she seems to get the hump over something and goes into her shell.

 

My gut was right last time and I'm sure she's gone cold again from her tone, wanting to get off the phone suddenly, and no usual late evening or next morning contact. Beyond that she's ignored a mere 'morning, well wishing' text all day. I'm pretty confident knowing the patterns and her, she's locked up and is checking out again without any conversation about anything.

[janellel]

OP, I think most of this is on you. You seem to have a low self-esteem and also seem really insecure, and I think you're just unconsciously projecting this onto her. Most girls will not show more interest than this one did, even if they really like a guy, because to do so would make them come off like they're desperate, and would set them up to be taken advantage of. Remember, it's the girl that usually controls the pace of the relationship. We like to feel like we're in control of things. She may really like you but doesn't want to come off as too aggressive.

 

At least I know this is how I am. Even if I really like a guy, I'll feign interest, and usually don't say yes to a date until their third try. Often, I will even flatly reject them on their first two tries, as if they don't/didn't have a chance in hell. And once we're dating, even if I really want to have sex I will usually play hard to get. And I do this not just for the purpose of keeping things interesting, but mainly to avoid giving the impression that I'm "easy" or a "slut", because experience has shown me that the quicker they get it, the more they take you for granted, but the longer it takes, the more they respect and appreciate you. I mean, I'm sorry, I try not to stereotype, but it seems that that is how most of you guys are, and that is the reason why some of us are so careful about not being labeled as "easy" or a "party girl". I myself have gotten so defensive about it that it's gotten to the point now where even if I'm really attracted to a guy, he still will have to be almost literally begging me for it before I will go there. My last bf is a good example. I was really attracted to him, but I still said no to his first two invites, and I didn't let him touch me the first 3 months! I really wanted to, but I also knew I had to earn his respect first, so I just kept teasing and teasing him until he was literally on his knees, and then I finally gave in. At that point, I felt like I was in control, which made me feel confident I wouldn't get taken advantage of, but until then I was too afraid to take a chance.

 

At any rate, I think a similar dynamic might be playing out here, and I would not assume anything.

[BryanSmiley]

OP, I think most of this is on you. You seem to have a low self-esteem and also seem really insecure, and I think you're just unconsciously projecting this onto her. Most girls will not show more interest than this one did, even if they really like a guy, because to do so would make them come off like they're desperate, and would set them up to be taken advantage of. Remember, it's the girl that usually controls the pace of the relationship. We like to feel like we're in control of things. She may really like you but doesn't want to come off as too aggressive.

 

At least I know this is how I am. Even if I really like a guy, I'll feign interest, and usually don't say yes to a date until their third try. Often, I will even flatly reject them on their first two tries, as if they don't/didn't have a chance in hell. And once we're dating, even if I really want to have sex I will usually play hard to get. And I do this not just for the purpose of keeping things interesting, but mainly to avoid giving the impression that I'm "easy" or a "slut", because experience has shown me that the quicker they get it, the more they take you for granted, but the longer it takes, the more they respect and appreciate you. I mean, I'm sorry, I try not to stereotype, but it seems that that is how most of you guys are, and that is the reason why some of us are so careful about not being labeled as "easy" or a "party girl". I myself have gotten so defensive about it that it's gotten to the point now where even if I'm really attracted to a guy, he still will have to be almost literally begging me for it before I will go there. My last bf is a good example. I was really attracted to him, but I still said no to his first two invites, and I didn't let him touch me the first 3 months! I really wanted to, but I also knew I had to earn his respect first, so I just kept teasing and teasing him until he was literally on his knees, and then I finally gave in. At that point, I felt like I was in control, which made me feel confident I wouldn't get taken advantage of, but until then I was too afraid to take a chance.

 

At any rate, I think a similar dynamic might be playing out here, and I would not assume anything.

 

I accept I have some insecurities. We all do right. But yes I accept I have more than most and am trying to keep them in check. I do accept this is a part of it and a contributing factor. I do. I just think when laid out, especially the past few days – it’s not actually the biggest factor in her going very hot to very cold. Take for example a conversation where she answered with hey babe, was being suggestive, cheeky sexually, then she moved on to frustration she’s still on her period and then seized up, became short and wrapped up the call. All I did was offer support for any stresses she’s going through. How is that reaction and her going cold again – on me in that conversation?

 

In terms of the dynamic you describe with ex’s and dates, I do hear what you’re getting at. However I think that’s an overly simplistic take of how supposedly ALL women want to take control. I’ve had conversations with several women, friends and dates – about how they prefer the man to take control. In any case no one party here has taken significantly more ‘control’ than the other.

 

As for you holding back a lot early on and not wanting to seem too keen or aggressive, fair enough if that’s your persona and preference. But again it doesn’t meet with her characteristics at all. She was fairly aggressive early on, keen, sexually comfortable early and probably initiated comm’s 70-30 %.

 

I’ve gone with that. I had mentioned taking things slower once but overall was comfortable. We tend to be in contact daily by mutual preference – and a shift from that after mishaps within a conversation that see’s her going very cold and non communicative.

 

I still am tending to only initiate comm’s 40% of the time. So I don’t think it’s fair to portray me as swamping her. I’m purposefully avoiding that. In-fact she once mentioned disappointment at me not contacting her all day. I really don’t think I can do any right here, she’s all over the place and to be honest my gut instincts tells me to do away with the games and move on. Saving any bright idea's or breakthrough.

[GemmaUK]

I accept that's a part of it. But the way the past few days have transpired I really don't think it's mostly down to that.

 

I've not chased her much at all, she's initiated about 70% of the time, and keeps setting a standard and her personal preference of regular daily contact. I'm at ease for awhile, am not analysing these things at all. But then I notice a red flag or her attitude shift and my gut tells me something is off.

 

Then she seems to get the hump over something and goes into her shell.

 

My gut was right last time and I'm sure she's gone cold again from her tone, wanting to get off the phone suddenly, and no usual late evening or next morning contact. Beyond that she's ignored a mere 'morning, well wishing' text all day. I'm pretty confident knowing the patterns and her, she's locked up and is checking out again without any conversation about anything.

 

 

This is what happens when someone makes their mind up and breaks up and then the other party doesn't respect it and pushes and talk them around.

It doesn't take long before the one who broke up realises all the reasons why they made that decision in the first place.

[BryanSmiley]

A rather incredible though not positive update on this. It does however vindicate me a little I hope you agree (I do think this over analysing my side has lead me to get a hard time).

 

So I didn't contact her all day. I played football. When I got back to the car and my phone around 7:30 I see she'd called me. I called her back and we chatted fairly normally for ten mins during my drive home.

 

I said I'd just played football, scored some goals. Oddly she thought I said I'd scored some 'girls'. Anyhow, I then said I was going home with my male friend and 2 of our old female house mates were coming round to catch-up and eat. I reassured her they were just friends and she said she had no reason to doubt me.

 

The conversation moved on to her day. She had been feeling sick but was feeling a bit better. (We'd talked a day earlier about meeting Friday). I said we don't have to go the cinema tomorrow night if you don't want, I can just nurse you better. She said no it's fine I'm sure I'll be well enough by tomorrow. So I asked what time she finishes work she said half 4, I said I'll aim to arrive around 6 then we'll eat, go see the film. She agreed.

 

Then the convo got slightly weird in hindsight. She said she has some friends coming over tonight too. I said cool who. Now she delayed in saying the names, I think one was male, one female. She said they were going to watch Love Island on her bed (by her TV). I said lightly, almost jokingly are you trying to make me jealous. She said no. She's said before she's very against cheating and usually sends pics of an eve whatever she's upto. We wrapped up the convo as I was nearly home, was going to ready for friends coming over. I said talk later.

 

Fast forward a few hours to 9:45. I sent a pic of my male friend by the fireplace and us watching Anchor Man. The two female friends hadn't come round as one got stuck at work.

 

She sent a pic right back of seemingly her alone watching Game of Thrones on her laptop. So, the whole I'm having friends over her side now, seemed weird.

 

I commented, Tyrion!!! As that's who was on her screen.

 

She then, and I kid you not and am certain, blocked me on WhatsApp, Facebook, and calls.

 

Completely out of the blue, without explanation. Now my friend thinks maybe she was paranoid about my having female friends over but she'd said she was cool with that. Maybe she thought from the pic, that had been a lie to make her jealous? It's likely she made up she was having friends over as she looked to be alone.

 

I honestly think, everything put together, all these red flags, and perhaps my gut was right, it isn't so much my fault and this chick is a bit of a liar and to be honest, crazy. Who blocks on all forms without even a text saying why. It's beyond crazy. I genuinely think she has some psychological issues and my only gripe is tolerating these things this far and getting tangled up into it, it affecting my behavior.

 

My plan is to not try to contact. The only reason I won't block her on WhatsApp is in case she decides to text and give some explanation or allow a final conversation. My friends think she will contact me again and I should avoid all contact. There's simply no way I'm willing to look past everything now. It's a pretty crazy and cruel way to handle things on her part and far outweighs anything my side. I do think peeps have been hard on me. There's some valid points but the biggest one is perhaps listen to your gut instincts and simply be willing to walk if it's all a little too cray so early.

[GemmaUK]

I'm not at all surprised.

 

She told you she didn't want to date you by means of saying she's not ready to date.

 

You disrespected her opinion on that and decided your wanting to date her was the more important opinion so you talked her around so she played along for an easy life for a bit.

 

Then, knowing you'd try to talk her around again if she spoke to you in any way she took the easiest and safest route for herself by blocking you.

 

The problem here was that you chose not to respect her feelings about dating you. This, for one would not bode well for any future relationship, simply that lack of respect is a huge glaring red flag, especially when someone has already been pushy (in your own words).

 

Dating and relationships are a two way thing, not just one way and if someone doesn't want to be with you you need to listen to that, act upon it and leave them be.

It doesn't matter how interested she was in the beginning, that was then, now she has got to know you she knows she doesn't want to date you or continue anything.

[BryanSmiley]

I'm not at all surprised.

 

She told you she didn't want to date you by means of saying she's not ready to date.

 

You disrespected her opinion on that and decided your wanting to date her was the more important opinion so you talked her around so she played along for an easy life for a bit.

 

Then, knowing you'd try to talk her around again if she spoke to you in any way she took the easiest and safest route for herself by blocking you.

 

The problem here was that you chose not to respect her feelings about dating you. This, for one would not bode well for any future relationship, simply that lack of respect is a huge glaring red flag, especially when someone has already been pushy (in your own words).

 

Dating and relationships are a two way thing, not just one way and if someone doesn't want to be with you you need to listen to that, act upon it and leave them be.

It doesn't matter how interested she was in the beginning, that was then, now she has got to know you she knows she doesn't want to date you or continue anything.

 

Gemma please can you just try to back-up for a second and stop going to gun ho on me solely.

 

You're taking the one negative my side of being a bit pushy and things, and using it as justification for everything her side. Can you please consider it doesn't entirely come in that order.

 

I was not pushy at all for 3 weeks. It's not been called out as an issue with me before, though I've been big enough to accept I can be at times. But hey, whose perfect, everyone's got some flaws or might seem bossy at times. But the way you've run away with it as a justification for everything her side just doesn't fit with the timelines or events even.

 

Red flags on her side which caused me to be somewhat paranoid, and pushing for different behavior - but I should instead have considered walking away:

 

She talked of wanting me to be her last ever date, before date 1.

Said she's ready to settle down by date 2, not me specifically but alluded.

Wanted exclusivity by date 3.

Wanted labels of BF/GF by around date 4.

Joked about our future children.

Said how she had opportunities to move her work nearer me on a few occasions (then says later said she'd applied for jobs abroad).

At 26 she was married a few years ago for only 6 months or so, and isn't fully divorced, citing it as a mistake she regrets and rushed into.

Still see's her most recent ex's two children (somewhat understandable as she lived in the home and bonded with them, but still, it's a red flag).

Wanted and persisted on daily contact.

Has gone no contact and disappeared (when a day earlier being very keen and talking of dates) for upto 24 hours a few times now. Once because she was locked out of her house and had no charge on her phone.

Once because she was 'busy at work' then after work her ex's kids had her phone. Then her phone was turning off/on.

Then went back to calling me, messaging me at all hours.

Said she had 2 friends coming round 1 or both being male, to watch 'Love Island' on her TV by her bed.

Then sent a pic of her alone, watching something on her laptop!?

Now she's blocked me, after having called me an hour earlier talking about our would be date tonight.

 

 

Now I know I'm going into more detail here on her side. But I am sorry. You can not put all this down to my being pushy or bossy at times. She's obviously all over the place, impulsive, probably lied somewhat. The only times I was bossy, was a result of behaviours above causing me somewhat understandable anxiety. She was all over the place, and it's affected me.

 

I'm not interested in you blaming me anymore Gemma. If you don't mind I'd like to get some other peoples perspectives. Particularly in light of laying out the above in more detail and my realising - my gut instincts were telling me something was and is up with this girl. And she definitely has some personality disorders and such. I'm genuinely interested in peoples takes on what exactly, still both sides somewhat. Thank-you.

Edited September 15, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[No_Go]

Ohhhh that's so similar to what I went through recently that it hurts. In my case it was a guy. After cancelling on me our 6th date he reappeared again and again, last time asking to be friends. In the same message he went into details about his day etc. I responded positively, assured him it's fine to be friends, told him some fun stories. He disappeared AGAIN. My only explanation is depression or some disorder like this.

 

Your girl: same story. I bet money it has nothing to do with your friends visiting. I think you're VERY intuitive, people hate to admit that some people just are but it's true lol. You guessed her going cold again before any obvious signs. She was most likely then cooking an explanation how to bail and when.

 

My opinion: back off and let her come around. She's like a scared animal - any chasing just makes things worse. In the meanwhile: consider do you even want RL with her: she has tons on issues (not related to you, trust me, that's who she is), her issues are going to resurface over and over even if she somehow comes around and sticks with you.

 

Curious to hear how this goes. Keep us posted and don't despair: you've done nothing wrong here, besides being persistent with someone who is just not RL material at current.

[BryanSmiley]

Ohhhh that's so similar to what I went through recently that it hurts. In my case it was a guy. After cancelling on me our 6th date he reappeared again and again, last time asking to be friends. In the same message he went into details about his day etc. I responded positively, assured him it's fine to be friends, told him some fun stories. He disappeared AGAIN. My only explanation is depression or some disorder like this.

 

Your girl: same story. I bet money it has nothing to do with your friends visiting. I think you're VERY intuitive, people hate to admit that some people just are but it's true lol. You guessed her going cold again before any obvious signs. She was most likely then cooking an explanation how to bail and when.

 

My opinion: back off and let her come around. She's like a scared animal - any chasing just makes things worse. In the meanwhile: consider do you even want RL with her: she has tons on issues (not related to you, trust me, that's who she is), her issues are going to resurface over and over even if she somehow comes around and sticks with you.

 

Curious to hear how this goes. Keep us posted and don't despair: you've done nothing wrong here, besides being persistent with someone who is just not RL material at current.

 

Thanks No_Go. Really refreshing response. I am coping with this okay today but must say it is getting me down. I recognise the way the thread played out me, and it...thus some replies, focussed on what I had done, and done wrong. But I should have gone into more detail about what things she had said and done. I guess only in hindsight now do I really see how much I've suppressed what she's done wrong and it left me feeling what have I done wrong!?!

 

I've kept a few friends up to date on things, transparently, and if it wasn't for them and messages like this I think I'd honestly go mad. Perhaps it's BPD, she's impulsive, full on, getting my hopes up, then there's a red flag or more obvious behaviorism, I call her out on it (most recent ones very lightly, calmly). She then clearly goes cold or quiet, disapears, worse still now blocks.

 

All I want is answers, it's very tempting to turn up to our date plans as usual, and just ask her what's going on, at least have a final conversation. Perhaps that's the slight fixer in me and hating having all this yo yoing and not sure what's going or has gone on.

 

I kinda know I have to walk away from this. That's the only relief I have, that a lot of this anxiety and behaviour of mine was not all me going mad (maybe 10% lol).

 

Thanks so much for sharing your similar story. I'll visit some friends tonight, try to keep my mind of it all, or contacting her. I half hope she doesn't contact me as that might be best. But I'd obviously like some kind of answers or explanation to make sense of it all and the past 6 weeks.

Edited September 15, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[No_Go]

Just take negative comments with a grain of salt and look for relevant info in them (I was roasted - 600+ opinions about my own story haha).

 

I forgot: when did you guys meet first and who initiated?

 

IMO - do NOT go back to her for a final talk unless you're 100% sure you want to close this page. Her reaction will most likely be run the hills afterwards and she's also not going to tell you the truth reading from how avoidant she is.

 

If I were you I'd back off for maybe 2 weeks? I bet she'll contact you in some form by that time and then you'd get your answers (don't ask - read from her behavior.... I think that's the only viable way with very avoidant people).

[BryanSmiley]

I'm really curious what her, and to a degree my behaviorisms, relate to PD wise.

 

We met around 6 weeks ago via OLD. Within days we were talking alot on text, then had a video call, and had a first date within a week. I really couldn't have flawed the first few weeks but taking everything into view now it makes more sense all round.

 

Still a bitter pill to swallow. I'll avoid contacting her then. I hate the not knowing what's gone on, or will someone contact me. But ultimately however much I try to fool myself it could still come good - I need to take comfort in that I'm unwilling to subject myself any further.

Edited September 15, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[GemmaUK]

Loads more info here.

 

You got love bombed and for some reason you didn't act upon the red flags you recognised at the time - maybe due to lowered self esteem or a distraction going on in your life.

 

If you ever find yourself again skipping a lot of pages at your own detriment to catch up with the page the other person is on you're missing the story and you'll never understand the end of the rest of the book.

You won't get an answer, she's already half way through the sequel.

[No_Go]

Ugh again all so similar to my story with the guy I met on OLD 8 weeks ago.

 

The thing is: nobody likes unanswered questions and not knowing if the other one will initiate contact. She included. So my bet is she will get back to you sooner than later at very least out of curiosity if you get quiet on her.

 

It is maybe worth strategizing how to take it from there if of course you're still interested by then. I wouldn't wait in suspense if I were you, see other prospects. That gives you the power position.

 

I'm really curious what her, and to a degree my behaviorisms, relate to PD wise.

 

We met around 6 weeks ago via OLD. Within days we were talking alot on text, then had a video call, and had a first date within a week. I really couldn't have flawed the first few weeks but taking everything into view now it makes more sense all round.

 

Still a bitter pill to swallow. I'll avoid contacting her then. I hate the not knowing what's gone on, or will someone contact me. But ultimately however much I try to fool myself it could still come good - I need to take comfort in that I'm unwilling to subject myself any further.