Red flags or new relationship anxiety?

[BryanSmiley]

After my last relationship I came to realise not only did I tolerate some red flags from the ex gf, it added to my insecurities, increased my anxiety and contributed to the breakup. I broke up with this ex a few months ago, was with her on/off for 5 months. Basically I tolerated her being too flaky, not committed enough, hot/cold, and I've since done a lot of introspection. I handled it 'okay' and whilst I of course hold some blame and have learnt I should set firmer boundaries, her selfishness and poor communication were definitely key to my anxieties and all combined caused the downfall of the relationship.

 

The past month I've been dating a girl and we hit it off right away. She was very forthcoming about how excited she was to have met me, feels good things ahead, and "hope's I'm her last date ever". After a few dates and being intimate she raised the exclusivity topic and we agreed we'd now be exclusive. After a couple of more dates she mentioned label's and BF/GF. After another couple of dates recently I agreed. She was dead excited and we have a funny phrase at each other of "I'm very in like with you".

 

However since that point I've noticed her stepping back a bit and I'm struggling to decide how much is my prior in-securities vs. her actual behavior. I'll bullet point some examples.

 

-For the first 2 weeks we were messaging everyday, she'd initiate 7/10 and often with cute morning messages.

-The past 2 weeks since agreeing to the label it's almost switched, and there's days of no contact. Some nights I've initiated talks towards bed time which go fairly well. Other-times I've held off - trying to maintain a balance. But she's definitely already less talkative and says less complimentary or cute things. Could be normal for it to tone down after a couple of weeks, maybe not to this degree.

 

-She's talked somewhat jokingly about her possibilities of moving her job to my town at the beginning of next year if things worked out, and was already considering as such before. Now this was light hearted and we joke about how in some ways we've gone fast, I've expressed maybe showing down, but overall it's worked and is great.

-We live an hour apart, she recently sold her car so is reliant on public transport. When trying to arrange our next date via text the other day we found were both busy and she's working at the weekend. She then said with the distance and her work schedule she's finding this difficult. I took that as a potential doubt in her mind it could work out.

 

-I suggested if she's not willing to make the effort she give me a call. She did an hour later and I said well I'm willing to make the effort but did say selling her car doesn't help. She said she's willing to make the effort and the conversation went more casual. She then said she's applied for a job in Norway. Startled and kinda amused, I remarked "well that's adding to the distance, perhaps we don't have a future if you're looking to move abroad".

-Now I admit I can pressure things and it's too early for conversations like this. But to have just said an hour distance is a lot, I found it flabbergasting how she could casually mention considering moving abroad. I said I wouldn't expect you to invest in me if I was looking to move abroad. She accepted she handled it wrong and would want to explore possibilities of me going abroad with her. Which I said maybe down the line. When I revisited meeting Sunday evening she said she suggest we both cool down and decide later.

 

We've had some light hearted messages, pictures since, no contact today. I think it's probably 50/50 between my not handling these things well early on, anxiety etc. - but in trying to set firmer boundaries early it seems to be causing slight rows and her distancing herself. But then unless anyone thinks I'm mad - I really don't want to find myself 3 months in with a girl only for her to move away. I'd rather know the full truth and make a judgement. Fair!?

 

Genuinely interested in peoples views on how I've handled it, and whether I should tone it down, initiate or say something in particular, or initiate contact a little less for awhile. Thanks.

Edited September 8, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[d0nnivain]

You have unreasonably short time tables for a relationship.

 

Your last relationship was 5 months on & off. Yet you complain that it ended in part because she wasn't committed enough. Just how committed to expect somebody to be in such a short time? At 5 months you are settling into exclusivity, nothing more.

 

Now you have been with this new woman for a month. She's talking about relocating. You're complaining because she stopped talking to you 7-10 times per day. Who has time to talk to anybody 10 times per day? I don't talk to my husband that much. People have to have time apart to grow.

 

One month in if she has the amazing job opportunity in Norway you can't realistically expect her to give it up for you. You're her new BF, not her husband.

 

For now take things one day at a time. At month one you start thinking about whether you want month 2, nothing more. It's too much for you two to even be considering a couple's Halloween costume. Slow down. Instant intimacy doesn't exist & your search for it is simply frustrating you. Cut yourself a break & reign in your expectations.

[No_Go]

Im reading between the lines here and yes, I think there is a plethora of red flags. She's not committed and carving her way out. Some people are like this: lose interest after they get the other person interested.

 

If I were you I'd continue dating her but make it dead clear what my expectations from the relationship are and regularly checkin if she's on the same page (words & actions). Do not over invest emotionally until you straighten this up.

[BryanSmiley]

And there we have both train of thoughts I have. There's elements of truth in both.

 

All I'd say is I think there's slightly less of a multi date culture in the UK, and it's not so unusual to be exclusive after a few weeks, and have a label after a month. Then give it a good run of things.

 

I recognise some of the topic areas are too soon but then she was coming on strong and mentioning these things herself. It feels like I've reciprocated 20% and she's backed away.

 

My heart says have a further convo with her as I personally just don't think it's reasonable to proclaim wanting long term 'things' but then contradict and be willing to effectively ruin those chances at the same time. It's her choice if she wants to move of course, great, but don't enter into a relationship with big words if your likely to do so. Or at least be open.

 

On the other hand I get the sense if I don't just continue with the playful, fun side and manage to swallow these concerns, she'll pull away as a result of me being pushy.

 

Essentially I don't think I can win, or know how to quite play it.

[GemmaUK]

You have unreasonably short time tables for a relationship.

 

Your last relationship was 5 months on & off. Yet you complain that it ended in part because she wasn't committed enough. Just how committed to expect somebody to be in such a short time? At 5 months you are settling into exclusivity, nothing more.

 

Now you have been with this new woman for a month. She's talking about relocating. You're complaining because she stopped talking to you 7-10 times per day. Who has time to talk to anybody 10 times per day? I don't talk to my husband that much. People have to have time apart to grow.

 

One month in if she has the amazing job opportunity in Norway you can't realistically expect her to give it up for you. You're her new BF, not her husband.

 

For now take things one day at a time. At month one you start thinking about whether you want month 2, nothing more. It's too much for you two to even be considering a couple's Halloween costume. Slow down. Instant intimacy doesn't exist & your search for it is simply frustrating you. Cut yourself a break & reign in your expectations.

 

OP, I'm from the UK, I don't multi-date but I completely agree with Donnivain here.

 

It sounds like she is having a job/career re-think but I think her joking mention of moving her job to where you are was simply that - a joking mention, not at this stage something to be thought of as at all serious.

[BryanSmiley]

It was on more than one occasion though honestly, and less jovial a couple of times. I took it all in. But I guess I'm after advice whether to pull back and not contact or not. No contact today, very unusual.

[d0nnivain]

If you want the relationship to work you have to communicate. that's more then a few insipid texts per day. It's spending time together. It's talking. It's getting to know each other.

 

 

Reach out & set up a date. Evaluate your relationship based on how you interact when you are together not how often you get a text.

[BryanSmiley]

I get that, of course. But she's been non committal on meeting Sunday night as I said.

[d0nnivain]

Why does it have to be Sunday? Work together to pick another date.

[GemmaUK]

Is Sunday make or break for some reason?

[Gaeta]

A lot of people think they suffer from anxiety when they simply are not dating the right person.

 

If you are looking to meet a woman for a long lasting relationship she is not it.

 

Find someone stable that is looking to progress the relationship the way you want to.

[BryanSmiley]

I video called her tonight. We'd each been out with friends. Said she's very busy and stressed with work. I said we can relax on Sunday, she agreed.

 

I don't know. Obviously you get a gut feeling with these things. She's pulling back the effort a lot. It's tempting to up my effort but I'm toying with pulling back and letting her initiate, make more effort again. If she does.

 

I'm not overally convinced Sunday will happen. To be honest with everything considered it might be make or break for me because it takes two to tango, and I can't deal with someone becoming so flaky and making such little effort after initially coming on strong. It is giving me red flags and I can't fight the temptation to cut potential wasted effort, stress of wondering for too long before throwing in the towel. Self preservation and gut instincts to reconsider my investment I guess. I might be being pessimistic and expecting the worst to avoid disappointment. Who knows.

Edited September 8, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[SevenCity]

You are coming across as too pushy too early on. To borrow a line from Capitan Picard in the series finale of TNG "I know you want answers but I don't have any to give you. What I'm asking for is a leap of faith"

 

ANY relationship is a leap of faith. Even if she were to lay out a timeline of what is going to happen between you for the next 10 years it is all subject to change.

 

You are living in the future and you should be living in the present. Take it from someone who made the same mistake with my ex. I pushed for an answer if we were back together as a result of my anxiety and it had the result of pushing her away.

 

This is a new RL. You have to realize it can end at anytime and just enjoy it for now.

 

Forget about future talk and just show her a good time and have fun. Don't be attached to an outcome. If she brings up moving forward great, but you just need to chill.

[Caramelpopcorn]

She's obviously unhappy with her life. Telling you she wants to move to where you are, move to Norway, sell her car. She's all over the place, I think she's just lost now and isn't sure what she wants, and maybe that's why she can't fully commit to you. Looks like maybe she just needs to calm down and you try to reassure her that things will be okay.

 

It seems like the relationship is moving extremely FAST, neither of you is putting the brakes on for space and just some head clearing.

 

I've to say though, if I had an opportunity to move to Norway, I would jump for it. It's one of the happiest countries in the world, one of the most beautiful countries too with a very high quality of life. If you're that type of guy and want to experiment before settling down, maybe entertain the thought, even if it doesn't work out.

 

Has she explained why Norway?

[act00]

She sold her car for a reason. I can't imagine selling a car for sh**s and giggles. It sounds like the car was an expensive burden and she can work around public transportation. I live in an area where you really can't function without a car. Public transportation is limited, if not non-existent. If public transportation was better and cheaper, and it was costing me oodles of dollars to store and maintain a vehicle I rarely use, or had to sell out of necessity, so be it...YOU, Mr. Wonderful, don't get to pick. If you expect her to maintain independent transportation in order for her to see you 1-1/2 hours away with gas, maintenance, and insurance, I suggest you pay for it...with no strings attached...seriously, no strings...like she can dump you at any moment-no strings; Otherwise, she is doing what she needs to do, and you will have to work around the new restrictions as she muddles through her own life choices and necessities, and it's either going to work with you two, or it isn't.

 

Ouch that she applied for a job overseas and didn't discuss it with you. She's advancing her life and career. She isn't really including you in her life choices at this point. It hurts. She's moving forward and not really including you...not asking your opinion. You have only been dating a month...not sure what you expect out of a month, but it's a real kick in the teeth that someone embarks on a "serious relationship," but it turns out their life is unstable and they may be living overseas sometime real soon, and they chose someone so far away and dumped the car.

 

Why did she pursue you so far away or ANY relationship at all with so much instability?

 

She has absolutely no direction her life is going right now, but she likes having you as her boyfriend (implied, as apparently there needs to be a talk) when/while you can be together. Accept this non-relationship or move on...may I suggest sticking local...smooching is awesome and you get to see each other more often!

 

What would you do? Do you make all your life choices based on a woman you've been seeing for "a month"?

[NexttP]

You know reality calls right? people can only "make time" for so long before having to do all the things they put off.

 

Like spending extra money that they otherwise would have saved to go on dates. Dating isn't free. Eventually they run out of money (vacation time, sick days, chores, homework, whatever). So now that they've secured you and you aren't going anywhere, time to catch up on those things that they've been procrastinating.

 

Seems like you don't have anything else to do though, and everything has been progressing at your convenience? lucky you.

 

Relationship isn't 24/7 lovey-dovey. Get rid of that expectation. And if you are having issues with "change" I think you're the problem here.

[BryanSmiley]

Woke up this morning to:

 

"Morning , I was thinking a lot about what I need to do in order to do better.

I just think it's not best time for me to have boyfriend I'm very sorry.

I just feel it will be best for us both

I hope u will understand."

 

I've replied:

 

"I understand your concerns, and I was a bit pushy. Can we at least discuss on the phone."

[GemmaUK]

Woke up this morning to:

 

"Morning , I was thinking a lot about what I need to do in order to do better.

I just think it's not best time for me to have boyfriend I'm very sorry.

I just feel it will be best for us both

I hope u will understand."

 

I've replied:

 

"I understand your concerns, and I was a bit pushy. Can we at least discuss on the phone."

 

So you realise you've been pushy and then be pushy.

 

She's done I'm afraid, take that as it is and move on.

[BryanSmiley]

So you realise you've been pushy and then be pushy.

 

She's done I'm afraid, take that as it is and move on.

 

She's agreed to discussing on the phone. Look I was only maintaing the level of contact and intimacy she set as standard daily for two weeks.

 

I didn't press for exclusivity, labels, daily contact, talk of moving closer down the line, any of that.

 

She did.

 

The past week I did pick her up on the car and job abroad thing but I was giving her the opportunity to see how they're red flags that could jeapordise continuing. She couldn't fully own that maturely as she admits she's bad with, and it's obviously dented her enthusiasm. I accept my part there but maybe I was partially right and we've saved some future heart ache and break up.

 

We've exchanged more messages. She says she needs some time and space to herself. Maybe an ex is on her mind or in the picture. I've just said "I'm sure there's more to it but if you reconsider give me a call. Otherwise no contact and take care."

[doyathinkso]

If it doesn't come naturally, if it doesn't come easily then there's no point forcing it.

 

Why? Because it just isn't there. Maybe you'd like it to be, but it's not.

 

It's not there now nor will it ever be there.

 

Keep looking.

[anna121]

Ending it via text is beyond tacky. But, what can you do.

 

NC is your best bet.

[CoolJoe]

Sorry for your loss but you felt it coming and a text is beyond lame on her end.

Learn from this and move on. In the future, try to be more supportive and live in the present. Also, seems her vision was different from yours. Key is finding someone on the same wavelength. Live in the present!

[BryanSmiley]

Appreciate all the words and takes on this. I'm half relieved as I hated the worry and wondering. But I'm very disappointed and surprised how quickly she took her foot off the pedal.

 

I'm now wondering if a call tomorrow would be good to discuss things. Or whether I was right to say only call if you've reconsidered. I don't think she's the type to drop her guard, decision, and do so. So I'll now try to avoid initiating contact. I'll continue to wonder if some kind of contact might relieve things one way or another. But would guess most would advise against.

[No_Go]

Appreciate all the words and takes on this. I'm half relieved as I hated the worry and wondering. But I'm very disappointed and surprised how quickly she took her foot off the pedal.

 

I'm now wondering if a call tomorrow would be good to discuss things. Or whether I was right to say only call if you've reconsidered. I don't think she's the type to drop her guard, decision, and do so. So I'll now try to avoid initiating contact. I'll continue to wonder if some kind of contact might relieve things one way or another. But would guess most would advise against.

 

I think the best is indeed to only call if she reconsidered ... Otgerwise you'd just hear fake explanation 'busy', 'it's not you it's me' etc.

 

I had similar situation recently and it sucked big time. I think it hurts most early on in a RL because you see them in glamorized way. It will be fine... Maybe she'll get back to you if you pull away - plenty of stories like this here.

[fred123]

The irony that in a month or so she will be dating again and have a new boyfriend and make plana to norway with him or include him in her decisions. And ul be wondering wtf she said she didnt want a bf!