lost87 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I met a girl online about 2 months ago and we have been on a couple dates. When we met she was goin through some stressful stuff with her job and was stressed due to a family dispute. I thought over the weeks her low mood etc would pass but yesterday she told me shes on medication for depression. As well as her low mood, she sort of has this "victim mentallity" and its quite frustrating as i try to remain as posititve as i can through difficult situations. She is also very guarded, like she gives little away about herself and says that she has been hurt badly in the past so she prefers to just take thongs slow. I am sexually attracted to her and there has been a couple of times were sex might of happened but it didnt go anywhere as she said she doesnt want to as she knows what men are like but says she'l not keep me waiting to long. She just finds it hard to trust but she understands that it must be difficult trying to get to know her and she tells me just to try an be patient with her. I am a caring and compassionate guy and thats what i have been trying to do, but im just abit like.."isnt the start of a relationship supposed to be fun, with flirting and all the rest of the good stuff.. it just seems like im hitting a brick wall with her and a bit of a struggle. I Like this girl and i do want to be patient, waiting for her to drop her guard abit and relax but at the same time im afraid that im.wasting my time..like is this the way she actually is.. Can anyone relate or share some sort of advise??
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Depression is a chronic condition. It can be managed but not cured. I can't say when she will be ready to have sex with you. Two months does seem like a long time for an adult relationship. Her comment that "she knows how men are" doesn't bode well. It reads as untrusting & bitter. It also goes with her victim mentality. I don't hold out much hope for her ability to be a warm, loving carefree partner. 3
act00 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Yes, new relationships are typically fun. Sure, your date knows about some of the life dramas and struggles, and it's usually glossed over...the more time goes by, the more information, and the more you may lean on your new partner. The question becomes if the life dramas can be blended, worked with, invited into your life...how they manage it. There are always ups and downs in life and struggles. You've been communicating for two months but only been on two dates (define "a couple dates")? Well, yeah, sex may not be on the agenda if you've only seen each other twice over 8-9 weeks. BUT, depressed mood, drama, victim mentality...I don't think I'd want to pursue further, TBH. "When your life drama gets better and you're ready to date, give me a call." Sorry, but if she's not in a place in her life where she can bring in a new person and the emotions and drama that come with it, and their partner's baggage that hopefully the partner is coping with better, then she probably should not be dating. Antidepressants are not necessarily a bad thing, but she needs to also be working on herself with coping strategies and letting go of things unimportant, which can be so hard to do...antidepressants help with that. I wouldn't get too uptight about an antidepressant, but her overall "Debbie downer" personality and gloom is the issue. She wants you to be patient. How long? In four months you get four dates? I get it. You thought things would improve. In two months' time, whatever life stresses she had could still be very raw, even if the main drama has resolved. This is normal. It sounds like she's just not in a good place to date, and you're really not up for being her crutch. If she was that wounded by a man, she needs to work on that. There will always be baggage, and sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable to a new potential mate, and it could take longer, but in two months, all you're seeing is drama and "victim mentality" with no end in sight, and that's a problem. You're really at that phase in a new relationship where people really start seeing the "real" person, when all that hot excitement wears off, and people start noticing this just isn't going to work. You have a lot of anxiety over two months and "a couple dates." Yes, this could be the way she "actually is."
Miss Spider Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 first, you've been on a couple dates and there's already this much drama/emotional issues? second, you've been on a couple dates and getting impatient about sex? third, you've been on a couple dates and you've been seeing her a couple months? This doesn't seem right. 4
BaileyB Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 When you start dating, it's definitely supposed to be fun. If it's not,mYou have some big thinking to do... Depression is a chronic condition. This could be her reality, and the reality of your relationship if you continue to date her. Good luck.
CptInsano Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 If a woman told me that she knew what men are like I would consider that a strong warning sign. Combined with what the OP wrote she is nothing but a challenge, and the whole situation sounds completely one-sided, because she completely controls the relationship at this point by putting on the brakes. Two months is a long enough time to evaluate the situation, and I would not seek out any more dates at this point. 3
SmartDude Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I am sexually attracted to her and there has been a couple of times were sex might of happened but it didnt go anywhere as she said she doesnt want to as she knows what men are like but says she'l not keep me waiting to long. Can anyone relate or share some sort of advise?? I am predicting the sex will not be free flowing. She might use it as a tool to make you crazy though. I can relate because I have dealt with such women all my life and I am finally tierd of it.
Redhead14 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I met a girl online about 2 months ago and we have been on a couple dates. When we met she was goin through some stressful stuff with her job and was stressed due to a family dispute. I thought over the weeks her low mood etc would pass but yesterday she told me shes on medication for depression. As well as her low mood, she sort of has this "victim mentallity" and its quite frustrating as i try to remain as posititve as i can through difficult situations. She is also very guarded, like she gives little away about herself and says that she has been hurt badly in the past so she prefers to just take thongs slow. I am sexually attracted to her and there has been a couple of times were sex might of happened but it didnt go anywhere as she said she doesnt want to as she knows what men are like but says she'l not keep me waiting to long. She just finds it hard to trust but she understands that it must be difficult trying to get to know her and she tells me just to try an be patient with her. I am a caring and compassionate guy and thats what i have been trying to do, but im just abit like.."isnt the start of a relationship supposed to be fun, with flirting and all the rest of the good stuff.. it just seems like im hitting a brick wall with her and a bit of a struggle. I Like this girl and i do want to be patient, waiting for her to drop her guard abit and relax but at the same time im afraid that im.wasting my time..like is this the way she actually is.. Can anyone relate or share some sort of advise?? If it ain't fun, run . . . she was goin through some stressful stuff with her job and was stressed due to a family dispute over the weeks her low mood "victim mentallity" says that she has been hurt badly she doesnt want to as she knows what men are like like is this the way she actually is.. -- If all this is what you're seeing and hearing at 2 months in, yeah, that's the way she actually is . . . 2
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 OMG you are getting yourself into something reaaaallllly bad. Do NOT be a rescuer. That has to be the most dysfunctional way to start a relationship. She's emotionally sick, and in no way ready to have a healthy relationship. You just met and here you are trying to fix this. Snap out of it! and move on. 2
pest947 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I was with someone with depression whom I care(d) about for almost three years. Sadly I had to leave eventually to save myself, its very difficult for me to be around so much pessimism being a naturally optimistic person. She is a sweet person with a heart of gold but, medications and alcohol don't mix and that person has to be ready and want to help themselves. If not there isn't a thing on god's green earth you can do to change it. Tread carefully my friend. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I was with someone who was depressed many years ago when I was in my mid twenties and still relatively nieve - many women think they can "fix" or "change" things. I no longer think this. When I encounter a problem or situation or issue, I know there is nothing I can do about this, recognize it, and accept it. I don't fix it. This gal has issues, no question. They have nothing to do with you. If you maintain that you will be the patient one and be there for when they come around, you will end up all alone. She'll break up with you if she doesn't make you crazy enough to make you break up with her so she won't look like the bad guy. So I say move on. You'll feel better about yourself in the long run. Her issues are not your problem. 1
joseb Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 OP, why would you want all that cr@p from someone? There are literally millions of women out there.... If you had been together years I could understand, but you just met her, she sounds like a mess, move on... 2
Steve51 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I am the last person in the world to reply to this post. I saw my wife on a train one day and was engaged 3 weeks later. We are getting ready to celebrate our 45th wedding anniversary. I was with my ex fiancé for 4 years before we got engaged. For my patience she cheated on me with I was halfway through a one year combat tour of duty overseas. In between the ex and my wife, there was only one girl. Things went well and I moved her into my house. I never loved her and just could not do so, especially after tasting another man's semen during oral sex. She was sorry and told me that she wanted a child by me due to my genes. I said no and not much later she asked my three visiting friends to gang bang her. Now you know why she is my ex girlfriend. Waiting too long did not work. Waiting a year did not work. Waiting 3 weeks worked out extremely well.
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Be patient. What's the rush!? Are you going off to war here soon? You're just really in your head and overreacting I feel like. She's struggling, her circumstances NOW are complicated, but circumstances change, she won't always be in this phase. I struggle with anxiety too (abusive ex and losing my dad recently in a horrible way) and I know how hard it is to even reason with yourself, let alone try reasoning with someone you barely even know. How yuh start a relationship doesn't always have to be fun and games, this is the reality of life, we are wounded soldiers smacking and rubbing one another along the way. I've no idea how I managed to keep my BF, I freaked out on him, shut down, dissappeared and even though it must have hurt him, it hurt me more. You've to let her know she can trust you with her pain, not just her joy. If you really love her, prove it by actions, if you don't then go, you're not trapped with her. Just take your time, no use to rush.
basil67 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Sounds like you're thinking with your little head instead of your big one. 1
smackie9 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Sounds like you're thinking with your little head instead of your big one. I was thinking the same thing....
BaileyB Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 Sounds like you're thinking with your little head instead of your big one. Absolutely. It's the only reason why all these red flags are being ignored...
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