JS17 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I've been reading some of these threads and trying to understand. How does the OW/OM thing happen?
quankanne Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 someone feels (s)he isn't understood by his/her spouse, so when someone pays attention to their hurt or pain or feelings of insecurity or needs, the affair starts. Most romantic relationships start out with both parties hanging on to every word, and pretty much idolizing each other, but as time passes and they understand each other better, it's easier to sometimes tune someone out because you're pre-occupied by work, family, etc. And that leaves your SO ripe for the pickin, so to speak. It crosses from an emotional affair to a physical affair once one or both realize this is what they've been looking for from their SO, and it's being offered freely. At least this is my guess!
StillHurtin Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by quankanne someone feels (s)he isn't understood by his/her spouse, so when someone pays attention to their hurt or pain or feelings of insecurity or needs, the affair starts. Most romantic relationships start out with both parties hanging on to every word, and pretty much idolizing each other, but as time passes and they understand each other better, it's easier to sometimes tune someone out because you're pre-occupied by work, family, etc. And that leaves your SO ripe for the pickin, so to speak. It crosses from an emotional affair to a physical affair once one or both realize this is what they've been looking for from their SO, and it's being offered freely. At least this is my guess! I have to agree. This is why my H had an A.
Author JS17 Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin I have to agree. This is why my H had an A. SH, how did you get past it and learn to trust him again?
newbby Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 someone feels (s)he isn't understood by his/her spouse, so when someone pays attention to their hurt or pain or feelings of insecurity or needs, the affair starts. Most romantic relationships start out with both parties hanging on to every word, and pretty much idolizing each other, but as time passes and they understand each other better, it's easier to sometimes tune someone out because you're pre-occupied by work, family, etc. And that leaves your SO ripe for the pickin, so to speak. It crosses from an emotional affair to a physical affair once one or both realize this is what they've been looking for from their SO, and it's being offered freely. At least this is my guess! i agree, it is a guess! they are not so much ripe for the picking, as hungry to go a picking.
StillHurtin Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 SH, how did you get past it and learn to trust him again? JS, it took a lot for me to get past it. I am still trying to get past it but it's been a lot easier as time passes, plus having friends here at LS that have went through the samething have helped a lot also. I went to IC for awhile and learned it wasn't my fault. Even though I didn't give H the attention he wanted and the exOW did, did not make it my fault. My H chose to have an A instead of talking to me about our problems. If he would of been home more, treated me like a W instead of a slave to do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, maybe I would of paid attention to him more. B4 the A I worked 50+ hours a week. I ran my own daycare business out of my home and when the last children would leave for the day it was time to cook, clean, laundry, ect. I was exhausted by the time the evening came and all I wanted to do is sit down and relax. I went to bed earlier than H. I had to start work an hour b4 he did so I needed to get to bed earlier. Needless to say, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. If he would of helped out around the house more, been home more, I would have had the energy and the desire to pay attention to him. There is still a trust issue there. Just the other day he got a Spam email from some woman. From her email it sounded as if he had emailed her and was interesting getting to know her. I felt like I was going through the whole A crap again. Luckily, ppl here at LS figured out it was spam so I let it go. So, for me to react to a spam email the way I did just prooves that I still don't trust him. I hate this feeling. This is one of the reason why I was going to continue w/ the D, b/c of the trust.
KCKnows Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Affairs happen for all different reasons. Most of it for women is the lack of attention from the H's. This stems from romantic notions, loving affection (without the sex), spending time together to play or to share views and talk. A lot of men once in a marriage become pretty lazy with their wives and sometimes vice versa. Women forget that their men, because lets face it girls men are creatures that are very simple and basic when you come right down to it, that they need sex, lots of it. Men also get nagged a lot about looking at other women, they also aren't allowed to be just men. It's simple, women are jealous creatures and competitive. We want to believe that our man only views us as the most beautiful creatures in the world. Let two or three kids pop out of us and that makes it even worse, especially if you haven't lost that pregnancy weight or post baby weight. It becomes increasingly hard to get past the jealousy. We transfer these feelings onto our man and with them being the types that just don't understand sometimes, they become withdrawn. They want to try and fix everything but they should also learn that if they would just be sympathetic and listen to us without trying to fix the problem that things would be better. This is why we gab endlessly to our best girl pals. They listen and they sympathize. Affairs take place when things go unnoticed, when things become humdrum, when you feel exhausted with being the only one trying to make things better. Enter OW/OM, they become very attentive, they smile at you, they laugh at all your jokes, they become your own personaly counselor, then something sparks and it crosses that line. Most OW/OM affairs start out much the same way, friends first, lovers second. For men it is an ego thing, they need to feel like they are lusted after, it's very sexually charged for the men. For women it is the same thing but the MM or OM is also giving her the attention other than sexual that she craves. He tells her that she is beautiful, that she deserves a lot more than she is getting at home, he takes her to lunches, he buys her gifts, he gives her flowers, or any of several things. For the men the woman normally makes him feel like he is a stud again, he starts believing that hey he can still pull these types of girls, he starts getting the spring back in his step, he gets to escape reality of home life and pressures and thus there evolves your typical affair. It is just very complex, arguably though these aren't true of all situations but of most. I hope this has helped you to see what you were asking.
9Lives Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 that was good kc, I agree with all you said. It doesnt make is right but that is what happens. My mm is putting distance between us right now and I am trying to be understanding. It is very complex. Very.
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