DC77 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) I'm not good at relationships, I'll admit that. I have insecurities that are easily triggered by jealousy. I have rekindled a relationship from a year ago that went down in flames. We dated for about 6 months, but he was always distant, sent mixed signals, and couldn't commit. When he broke it off, I found out he was pursuing another woman and also communicating with ex's. We were never exclusive in his eyes, but I just don't go for the whole multi dating thing. So I was terribly hurt and it ended badly... We didn't speak for 6 months while he was on deployment. When he returned, he asked me out to dinner to talk, and we've been inseparable since, spending every moment of every weekend together and sometimes weekdays. It's a completely different relationship. He's present. Attentive. Connected. We laugh a lot and completely enjoy each other's company. A couple of weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. Since then, I haven't been able to keep my insecurities at bay. He has insecurities too and I know he likes attention. He has several pretty girls on his Facebook and strings I know he hasn't cut. He slept with one gal in particular right after returning from deployment. We weren't speaking so I can't hold it against him. But she keeps calling him. Even though I know he's not responding to her, he's also not cutting the string. As a casual relationship I could mentally separate. I tell him it's none of my business. He insists that it is my business. He said that he was mine and I was his and we would shout it across the cosmos. So I called him out. I asked him to shout it across FB. As petty as that sounds, I felt I needed this to help put my mind at ease to let these women know he was taken. It made him very uncomfortable. He didn't want to post, which fueled my suspicion. He finally decided he would, but for a week didn't follow through. I didn't say I would leave if he didn't do this, I simply could not be his girlfriend if he had to hide me. We spent 4 straight days together for the holiday weekend. Most of it was great and awesome, but we did have several mini fights over FB and other women. He finally changed his status, but immediately hid it from his newsfeed. It kindof defeated the purpose. And then his phone started going off. And my insecurities started up...though the weekend ended on a high note, we have been distant for the past 3 days. He's kept in touch at least once a day. Texts are generic, but he's in touch. He hasn't changed his status. He still shows in a relationship. When we were fighting, he had the option to leave, but he stayed. He tries to talk things out. I know he has talked about me to his best friend back home, roommate, and coworkers. He says he wants me to go home and meet his friends and family. He always says when not if too. He makes comments about being the perfect cuddle match, how I always make him laugh, and how well we fit together. He even woke up at 3am on his own will to show up and cheer me on at a 3 hour obstacle race. He must care right??? He insists there are no other women. He's not talking to anybody. And that he told the one that calls he didn't want to be with her. My insecurity says cut the strings!! But I've been trying to see it from his view. It's only been 2 months. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe he's not confident enough in me to cut the strings to his safety net, yet. That would make sense. So how do I get a grip!? That's if he comes back. We're very distant right now. I'm not good at this stuff at all. Help! Edited September 7, 2017 by DC77
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 He seems to be trying but your insecurities seem to be driving everything. there are no guarantees in life. You either trust him & move forward or you break up. 5
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 The guy jerked you around and you take him back?? I agree you take your chances with the choices you make. 2
Robratory Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 The thing is, your insecurity is separate from whatever he's doing. Suppose he set his FB status to "taken" and told every girl who called or texted him to stop bothering him. Would that mean he wasn't cheating? No, he could still cheat. You can't control what he does. You can only control how you act and react. 4
Author DC77 Posted September 7, 2017 Author Posted September 7, 2017 @Smackie, not interested in judgement. I believe in forgiveness. Life's too short to hate. But thanks for sharing @d0n, yes! I even said this out loud. Now I need to figure out how...thank you @Rob, good point
Versacehottie Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 well, one thing is that you are only seeing it from your perspective: i.e. you want him to be ALL the way over into cutting off contact from these people and announcing you as his gf. Whereas, you are not appreciating him for the steps he is making toward that outcome. Basically if you studying training at all, you want to reward him rather than punish him for steps in the right direction--in order for him to stay committed to that new way and interesting in taking more steps in that direction. I would bet if you could leave him alone about the other women, he may slowly start posting stuff about you guys as a couple (maybe vague-ish at first; just don't see a lot of guys as shout it from the roof tops types). Secondly, stop using FB or other social media as gauge of the status of your relationship. I would say it is just causing problems here--as is very common with jealous people or people who are not good at communicating. I actually think you should stop watching what happens on his social media--it's a landmine issue for you that will cause more problems than anything. I would even go as far as saying to him that you are aware that FB stuff hasn't been healthy for you two and maybe you should unfriend/unfollow each other. Agree with the others: if he is going to cheat, you monitoring him and nagging him about hypothetical potential love interests is just going to drive him there and certainly not going to stop him. You either trust him or you don't. Pushing him to do things to earn your trust isn't working. At the level you are with him currently, that has to come from within you for you, i.e. if you are going to leap, leap. Lastly, I hardly can think of a guy who would go out of his way to tell other girls not to contact him (or unfriend them or whatever). It's not a reasonable request; it's not likely it will be followed through with. Plus filtered through your eyes, you may be jealous of things that have no merit for jealousy, which might be why he resists a broad and unreasonable request. If some girl asks him out, tries to kiss him, calls late at night those kind of things, then tell him you are not comfortable with it/her and let him handle. Don't tell him what to do--that doesn't work with most guys--imagining especially with a military guy. I hope you get this jealousy under control on your end--it's a pretty quick way to drive someone away from you and probably not a very good way to live your life with that nervous, anxious energy. I've ONLY ever seen it ruin things whether it took a month or years--never have i seen it work out. Good luck 2
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 You were only dating 2 months and demanding of him to expose your relationship all over the net as a proof of his commitmnt. If I had done that to my bf he would have been gone the following minute. I have heard of 15 years old doing this but adults? A lot of people don't like to announce new relationships on FB too early because it's embarassing to change their status a couple of weeks or months after. Usually people wait a few months, till everyone met family and friends and the 3 month mark has passed. If you don't take care of that jealousy it will ruin all of your relationships. 1
elaine567 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 You were only dating 2 months and demanding of him to expose your relationship all over the net as a proof of his commitmnt. But they had dated for 6 months previously, so this is second chance relationship not a new one. With the fact he "cheated" on her before when she thought they were exclusive and he didn't, then she needs to have some concrete sign that he is taking her seriously this time, I guess she doesn't want a re-run 2
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 But they had dated for 6 months previously, so this is second chance relationship not a new one. With the fact he "cheated" on her before when she thought they were exclusive and he didn't, then she needs to have some concrete sign that he is taking her seriously this time, I guess she doesn't want a re-run She should not date him at all. OP: When you suffer from jealousy like you do we don't take cheating exs back, we don't date men with hot girls on their FB and we don't date men we need proof of commitment from. 3
elaine567 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 She should not date him at all. Well, that is very true. Too many on here have forgiven cheating men whilst dating or engaged. But find that when they are married or in a long term relationship and/or pregnant and/or with kids, he is cheating again... 1
kendahke Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) Do you want him to post your relationship status because you want to let this girl know that you're pulling rank because he won't deal with her to your satisfaction or do you want it posted because you both are on solid ground and this is moving somewhere positive? FWIW, I think his reason for not doing it is suspect--- I think it's because she has more meaning to him than he's willing to admit--otherwise, he'd treat her feelings with a certain degree of indifference, seeing that you're supposedly more important. His actions in this vein do not match what he is saying. As to what to do: take a wait and see approach and try not to let what he's doing trigger your insecurity. In the meantime, it might be a good idea to begin to honestly address this issue, since it hampers you from getting what you're looking for. Edited September 7, 2017 by kendahke 1
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) I know what you have put down in your story. You are looking for a relationship and decide to go back to a man that lied, cheated and mislead you for 6 months, right? Now you want to give him a second chance but you want this to speedwarp into a full commited relationship within 2 months. Is that common sense? Instead of looking for a commitment you should observe this man and make sure he's not going to serve you the same dish this time around. And instead of demanding of him to be commited, let him prove to you he is on his own. How will you ever know what this man is made of if you dictate him what to do? Edited September 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Author DC77 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) I did not ask to be his girlfriend. I was happy taking things slow and casual. I could separate this way. He asked ME to be his girlfriend. And I did not demand anything from him. I did not give him an ultimatum. I did not threaten to leave. I gave him a choice. He said he wanted to shout it across the cosmos, so I asked him to prove it. Show me your serious about wanting me as your girlfriend. Edited September 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Thatoneguy55 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Sorry, I have to go the other way on this. While it may seem trivial to some, to the other side it may be a big deal to not appear "single" online when you are not. A good compromise is to just hide status all together, and then move on so it isn't a big deal. It is easy to see both sides of the argument here, and the middle ground can be an easy solution.
TheBathWater Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I'm very familiar with situations like this. Here's my take on it. Take it for what you will. Your insecurities stem from your earlier experience with him, plus whatever stuff in your relationship/family history that I'm not aware about but you probably are (e.g. past betrayals, abandonment, etc...). But you're only 50 percent of this relationship. He's the other 50%. So, the issue here isn't all you. It sounds like he is trying hard to own his 50%, albeit imperfectly at times, but he sounds sincere to me. How will you own your 50%? Obviously, this is an issue, and that's okay. Issues happen in relationships. My advice is simple, but the follow through will be complex... Don't ignore the issue, but don't allow it to lurk in the background constantly either. Find ways to give your relationship permission to exist and evolve without this problem, and once in a while when it's relevant the two of you should bring it up. When you do bring it up, try not to be defensive about it or fight about it, but do be curious together about why you feel the way you do, what it means about how you feel in the relationship, if you can both get to know each other better as a result of it, etc... I hope this makes sense. I highly recommend picking up a relationship book, such as Harville Hendrix's 'Keeping the Love You Find'. Lots of practical tools in there for how to handle this sort of stuff and use it to better your relationship, rather than letting it use you and ruin your relationship. Congratulations on the new relationship. Stay strong, and good luck. Keep us posted. 2
Author DC77 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Kendahke thank you. Another thoughtful post. And good point. We should be posting because we're happy together and want to share it. Instead, I called his bluff. He wanted me to be his girlfriend and shout it to the cosmos, and I said prove it. If you have nothing to hide than post it. If he wants me to be his girlfriend I needed this validation after what we had gone through in the first relationship. I know he has strings still out there that he's afraid to cut. And that upset me. But I've come to the rationalization that he's just as scared as I am. Until he also feels safe and secure with me, he's probably not going to cut his safety nets. I've gotten some really good advice on here. I have to find a way in myself to trust he will make good decisions towards the relationship. And I need to be better at acknowledging that he is showing up and he is trying. We both have our own fears we're struggling with. I definitely care about him, and I know he cares about me. D0n is right, there are no guarantees. Thanks All 1
Author DC77 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Thank you Tuna! That's awesome advice. I'm definitely working through things as is he. I'm glad to hear that his efforts sound sincere. That helps... I did not mention this in my post because I wanted to focus on the issue at hand, but all of this began a few days before my grandmother passed away and accumulated afterwards. Within the same week of flying back for the funeral I had to cut ties with a very old but now toxic friend. I've had a lot on my plate emotionally.
Author DC77 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 ThatOneGuy thank you for posting. His quiet compromise was to hide it from his newsfeed. Though it wasn't exactly what I wanted, he did make the effort, he did post he's in a relationship, and it's still standing. And he has slowly been reaching out to me this afternoon. That's something.
kendahke Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I did not mention this in my post because I wanted to focus on the issue at hand, but all of this began a few days before my grandmother passed away and accumulated afterwards. Within the same week of flying back for the funeral I had to cut ties with a very old but now toxic friend. I've had a lot on my plate emotionally. I'm very sorry for the loss of your dear grandmother.
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 And good point. We should be posting because we're happy together and want to share it. Instead, I called his bluff. He wanted me to be his girlfriend and shout it to the cosmos, and I said prove it. If you have nothing to hide than post it. If he wants me to be his girlfriend I needed this validation after what we had gone through in the first relationship. I know he has strings still out there that he's afraid to cut. And that upset me. But I've come to the rationalization that he's just as scared as I am. Until he also feels safe and secure with me, he's probably not going to cut his safety nets. You have just proven my point. In case you didn't get it the first time here it is again. When we suffer from jealousy and are insecure, and no women in fact should date men that bluff us, and men we need a proof from and a men with strings out there and by the same a man that upsets us. Good luck with everything. 3
Author DC77 Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Well thank you for your high horse of what all women should or shouldn't do...because life fits into perfect little boxes.
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 DC77 For whatever reason Gaeta pushes your buttons but she's not totally wrong. This guy wasn't all that reliable the 1st time, yet you have chosen to give him a second chance. Given your high levels of anxiety to begin with, are you really sure that was the wisest choice? You are already in a position where you are asking for proof. I don't blame you but if this guy was sincere since he knows you & how you are, if he was truly sincere, you wouldn't have to be asking. He'd be bending over backwards to show you that he has changed & you can trust him. Since he's not doing that & you feel insecure, reconnecting with him may not be the best choice for you. I am not accusing him of doing anything wrong at this point. I am highlighting the fact that he's also not putting in the effort to do anything right either. He knows you need more reassurance but that is not forthcoming. Your need for that reassurance may be over-the-top, but knowing that he needs to step up or he never should have bothered with you the second time. 2
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I know he has strings still out there that he's afraid to cut. And that upset me. But I've come to the rationalization that he's just as scared as I am. Until he also feels safe and secure with me, he's probably not going to cut his safety nets. Be careful that you do not have an unrealistic level of naivete here. The man has history, and yes it is great that you kind of trust him to do the right thing this time, but on what do you base that? Again he has other women hanging around him and you are rationalising that by saying "He is scared..." How do YOU know that? You unfortunately do not have a clue what HE thinks, only he knows that. He is hardly trying to make you more secure is he? With his "safety nets" and "strings"? Why would he not feel safe and secure? It was not him that got terribly hurt the last time, was it? All you know is that there are pretty women on his FB, he considers friends and some girl he slept with keeps calling him. YOU do not actually know he is not responding to her, she keeps calling him though doesn't she? Why would she do that after 2 whole months of essentially "no response"? 3
olivetree Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I think what Gaeta is trying to say is that you could feel safer and more secure with someone else. This isn't all on you. With his history of betraying you it is quite understandable that you feel insecure. You say you understand that he is scared, hence the safety net of women. Personally, I wouldn't date a man that has orbiters and safety nets. That is massively unattractive and wouldn't make me feel good. Sometimes you need to be a little less understanding of others and a little more accepting/firmer with your own needs. 5
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