Found texts on Gfs phone.

[JakeT92]

Ok so I met this girl from class about 6 months ago, beginning of March (we are both 23). We were good friends for first 2 months and then actually started going on real dates and taking it more seriously 4 months ago, beginning of May.

 

While we were friends, I knew she had been going on dates and hanging out with this other guy she met on tinder. Then when we actually started going on dates in May and she was still seeing this other guy. I continued to date her and then eventually started really liking her. About near the end of May I asked if we could be exclusive and she didn't want to yet and told me she still hangs out with this other guy but they only get dinner and nothing else.

 

I remember asking her if they do stuff sexually or if they are friends with benefits since I didn't want to be with someone who was dating me seriously but hooking up with some guy on the side. We got into a big argument cuz I thought she was doing stuff with him sexually and I'm a put my eggs all in one basket kind of dater. She told me no she wasn't, all he does is buy her dinner and they go to a bar once in a while. My gut at the time told me she was lying but I liked her so much I said whatever.

 

During the first week of June she agreed and wanted to be exclusive with me a week and a half after I asked to be exclusive. I agreed and we continued to date until currently now. So last week she asksed me to be her boyfriend and we are now official BF GF. Last night when she was sleeping I went into her phone a checked her messages out of curiosity. I've never went into her phone before.

 

I saw she recently was texting this other guy she was seeing before me. I read the messages from the past month or so and it was very friendly nothing bad. I scrolled father down and saw messages from the middle of May. 3 weeks after we started going on real dates. They were very dirty texts and I found that she was sexually hooking up with him the whole time and lied to my face when I asked her months ago. Also a month ago I asked her how many partners she's had and she said I was the 3rd and told me the other 2 guys were over 8-9 months ago. I now know I am not the 3rd since she forgot to mention she was having sex with this other guy before and while we first started dating. I was starting to fall in love and now I can't believe it.

 

Do I leave? Do I confront her about how I know she lied? Or do I just ignore it and leave it alone?

 

I'm sick to my stomach and don't know what to do

[fred123]

Technically she hasnt done anything wrong apart from the lying. She can sleep with who she wants if you arent exclusive and you have no right to ask her.

 

But she lied and that is a deal breaker to me. They can lie about anything.

 

Id just sleep with other girls and lie about it. She probs deservea it. She dont deserve your honesty or a mature break up conversation or anytbing

[d0nnivain]

She lied. You snooped.

 

She's not going to be happy that you invaded her privacy. You're not happy that she lied to you.

 

Do not confront her. You don't hold the moral high ground here. Do talk to her. Confess to your snooping. See how she reacts. It's possible you can get through this but if you are really sick to your stomach & you can't trust her any more just end it. You can't un-know certain things & I think what you now know will poison your relationship forever in your mind so there is no sense in trying to repair this.

[kendahke]

We got into a big argument cuz I thought she was doing stuff with him sexually and I'm a put my eggs all in one basket kind of dater.

 

That's your problem. Putting all your eggs in one basket with someone you know doesn't want to be exclusive with you or to put down other guys she's seeing in a dating scenario is not wise at all.

 

You only do that with someone whose behavior has proven that there is no one else occupying intimate space in their head and heart.

My gut at the time told me she was lying but I liked her so much I said whatever.

 

See where ignoring your gut gets you? That sense is there for a reason. Liking her so much isn't an excuse to say "whatever" to how she is esteeming you.

 

Last night when she was sleeping I went into her phone a checked her messages out of curiosity. I've never went into her phone before.

 

So you stooped to deceit.

 

Did she tell you that you could have access to her phone anytime, or did you break into it? Sounds like the latter because now, you're scared to confront her to the point where you're here asking us what you should do.

 

If right was so on your side, this thread wouldn't be here and you'd have done what you needed to do back when she told you she didn't want to be exclusive with you. But you decided to not trust your gut, to be deceitful and you found what you were looking for.

 

I'm not understanding why you need direction on what to do, seeing you say you're sick to your stomach. That's your gut physically letting you know why it's bad policy to ignore it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It seems to me that neither of you are trustworthy or secure. It also seems to me that you are or were not her first choice to be with.

 

I remember asking her if they do stuff sexually or if they are friends with benefits since I didn't want to be with someone who was dating me seriously but hooking up with some guy on the side.

 

Well, I am not certain of the timeline exactly, but whether there was sex or not, she continued to date someone else while dating you. Does that sound like you were her priority? I don't. I think the guy got what he wanted and bailed. Now she is with you.

 

Your relationship is already screwed in a few ways. You may date short-term, but I suspect it won't last long. Just my take.

[Mike B.]

It is generally futile and non-productive to ask a woman about her sexual past. They won't give correct numbers and they know men, especially young men are too fragile with their egos to handle the true numbers. She was trying to protect your fragile ego.

 

Just don't ask. If you like the woman and she is treating you like you want to be treated, don't be concerned with who she has slept with. You don't want to know this information and it will limit your dating pool by a huge chunk by investigating this.

 

I know this is a very hard concept to buy into in your 20s but you will be surprised how much heartache and anxiety you can save yourself by doing so now.

 

I wouldn't even confront her on this stuff at all. I would expect this sort of behavior in a woman in her 20s or even in their 40s. They know how men get. If you confront her about this, watch everything go downhill real, real fast and you won't be standing victorious in the end.

[lurker74]

If I am in a non-exclusive relationship with someone, it is none of my business what they do when I am not with them other than a responsibility to be safe. The opposite is also true.

 

Asking someone who has told you that she DOESN'T want to be exclusive if she is sleeping with another person is unfair. If she says, "None of your business," then it's the same is saying yes (I know, it's not exactly the same, but it's pretty close).

 

Your mistakes include asking that when it wasn't (yet) your business and then secondly snooping on her phone. Now you are mad at her?

 

You have three choices as far as I can see.

 

1) Confront her, knowing it will end the relationship because you violated her privacy

 

2) Don't confront her knowing it will eventually end the relationship because you have trust and privacy issues that are unlikely to go away

 

3) Work on yourself, understanding that you do not need her and she does not need you but that if you get to the right place, you can both CHOOSE to be with each other.

 

Trust is something that is required to love. If you cannot trust her, either because of your own issues (which is the case here, I think) or because she is untrustworthy means the relationship cannot last. So if you decide you want to make it last, work on your issues.

 

Yes, she lied to you. But she lied to you about a subject that, at least in my opinion, you had no business asking.

[Rockdad]

Reading the initial post before I got 3/4 done my thoughts were this is an insecure guy. Then I get to the phone snooping part and there it shows to me defiantly insecure.

 

My impression from the read is he was pressing this girl early on in a developing relationship into a position he wanted her in. I do understand that she lied and no that is not a good thing.

 

I think if I were this girl that was somewhat backed into a corner, then this guy has to admit he snooped through my phone and read the personal messages and now wants a confrontation about the other guy, I would be saying good-bye. To high of maintenance and trouble in a young relationship already.

[smackie9]

You knew what she was like before you started dating......on tinder, dating other guys, etc. Well you are just one of those other guys at first.

 

You both have very different ideas on dating protocol. She lied yes, that isn't kool, but I feel once you asked, that alerted her that you had certain expectations so she backed off and started investing more in you. Make sense?

[Michelle ma Belle]

You knew what she was like before you started dating......on tinder, dating other guys, etc. Well you are just one of those other guys at first.

 

You both have very different ideas on dating protocol. She lied yes, that isn't kool, but I feel once you asked, that alerted her that you had certain expectations so she backed off and started investing more in you. Make sense?

 

Agreed.

 

All bets are off when you're not in an exclusive relationship. She made it clear she wasn't ready to commit to you because she wasn't done dating this other guy.

 

 

BTW, were you two sleeping together or fooling around sexually while she was still on tinder and dating that other guy or were you waiting for her to commit to you first?

[JakeT92]

Ok everyone I'm not insecure in the first place. The big problem for me is when we had that phone call that night and she told me she didn't want to be exclusive, I repeatedly asked her out of respect for me if they were hooking up. I told her that night on the phone that I have certain morals and out of respect for me as a person who has morals about fooling with 2 guys at once and didnt want to feel like I was in competition with another guy that we stop seeing each other

 

. I put my eggs in one basket at a time and I though I was with someone who did the same. She has every right to be hooking up with that guy but I told her on the phone that if she is, please out of respect for me and what I want that we stop seeing each other and so I can look elsewhere.

 

I am very wrong for going into her phone, I know. But I just can't believe she lied to me. If she would of told me the truth and in person a while ago I would of been upset but gotten over it. Now I've read some texts that I'm basically scarred and have loss a lot of love and attraction towards her.

 

I posted this because I'm currently at her place visiting for the weekend. And so far today I can't seem to get over what I saw and I was asking for advice to bring it up to her today or tomorrow. Sorry

[knabe]

So basically you snooped on HER phone and found some dirty texts from BEFORE you were exclusive.

 

Yeah...this is YOUR problem, not hers.

[Bastile]

Ok everyone I'm not insecure in the first place. The big problem for me is when we had that phone call that night and she told me she didn't want to be exclusive, I repeatedly asked her out of respect for me if they were hooking up. I told her that night on the phone that I have certain morals and out of respect for me as a person who has morals about fooling with 2 guys at once and didnt want to feel like I was in competition with another guy that we stop seeing each other

 

. I put my eggs in one basket at a time and I though I was with someone who did the same. She has every right to be hooking up with that guy but I told her on the phone that if she is, please out of respect for me and what I want that we stop seeing each other and so I can look elsewhere.

 

I am very wrong for going into her phone, I know. But I just can't believe she lied to me. If she would of told me the truth and in person a while ago I would of been upset but gotten over it. Now I've read some texts that I'm basically scarred and have loss a lot of love and attraction towards her.

 

I posted this because I'm currently at her place visiting for the weekend. And so far today I can't seem to get over what I saw and I was asking for advice to bring it up to her today or tomorrow. Sorry

 

As some others have stated, it's always going to get turned back around on you. A discussion on it is very pointless.

 

What you really need to be doing is judging her worth. Assessing her, but keeping it to yourself.

 

Why did you want to be exclusive with her so badly?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Perhaps your morals need a bit of tweaking = No sex before monogamy! Period.

 

What's done is done.

 

She lied. You snooped.

 

She wanted her cake and eat it too at the time. Something men do at an alarming rate already. Nothing new here.

 

It's clear the lying is something you can't get past and I fear that no matter how you deal with this situation, you won't be able to forget this. Some people can forgive and forget while others cannot.

 

Personally, if it's something you can't ignore (which I can understand to some extent) then you WILL have to deal with it and her and let the chips fall where they may, good or bad.

 

Just be prepared for this to not go very well.

 

Good luck.

[JakeT92]

Ok I don't care how many guys a girl sleeps with before me. It's the fact she was sleeping with him while taking me seriously. And then lying to me face about it. I don't care if she slept with 20 guys before me. I have morals and don't believe in screwing to people at once. To me morally that feels very wrong.Would any of you want to be with some that you knew was having sex with some other person while supposedly taking you seriously dating???

[JakeT92]

I told her that on the phone that night that if she was fooling around with this other guy at the same time she was with me and taking me seriously dating that she tells me so I can stop putting in time and effort and look for someone who isn't screwing 2 guys at once

[kendahke]

Would any of you want to be with some that you knew was having sex with some other person while supposedly taking you seriously dating???

 

I wouldn't be with someone, let alone want to be with them, if this was going on. It's called respecting the other person in that relationship even if the person in front of me won't. The moment my gut said that they're having sex with some other woman, the interaction between us is jettisoned to the friendzone and I cut back on communication with them.

 

In the first place, I wouldn't be ignoring my gut and going ahead with someone I felt was lying. I guess I'm not that hard up for a partner.

 

I told her that on the phone that night that if she was fooling around with this other guy at the same time she was with me and taking me seriously dating that she tells me so I can stop putting in time and effort and look for someone who isn't screwing 2 guys at once

 

I also dont' give them a heads up on the fact that they're heading to the friendzone. I let them figure it out in my wake.

[Bastile]

Ok I don't care how many guys a girl sleeps with before me. It's the fact she was sleeping with him while taking me seriously. And then lying to me face about it. I don't care if she slept with 20 guys before me. I have morals and don't believe in screwing to people at once. To me morally that feels very wrong.Would any of you want to be with some that you knew was having sex with some other person while supposedly taking you seriously dating???

 

Then you should have done the moral thing and dumped her on the spot.

 

Why haven't you?

[ChatroomHero]

What I find to be basically true and the older I get, the more data confirms it for me, what you see is what you get.

 

 

In a nutshell, when she was seeing you and banging this guy, she showed that when she is banging you she will be seeing some other guy. For this not to be true, you would have to assume that (a girl like that) would see you somehow as super special compared to other guys she cheated on. Typically that is not the case.

[lolablue17]

Snooping is bad, but it's a minor felony against lying about sleeping with another guy, asepecially when you asked her spesifically, and presented it as a condition for you to continue.

 

Of course you should confront her. Why wait even another minute? If I were you I would be confronting her while my bag is packed and near the door. But you should decide what's best for you.

 

Liars should know they are in a risky business. After being caught it would be rediculous of her to focus on the snooping.

[Purrrfect]

I can't get quick reply to work so here's my advice.

 

You like her. You snooped. She lied.

 

You have nothing to lose by confronting her. I would admit to the snooping and ask her point blank if you are exclusive and if she's seeing anyone else.

 

If she wants to save your relationship he will apologize and will completely stop all contact with this guy.

 

Even if she hasn't done anything with him since May there is no reason to keep in touch with him.

 

Good luck.

[Methodical]

During the first week of June she agreed and wanted to be exclusive with me a week and a half after I asked to be exclusive. I agreed and we continued to date until currently now. So last week she asksed me to be her boyfriend and we are now official BF GF. Last night when she was sleeping I went into her phone a checked her messages out of curiosity. I've never went into her phone before.

 

So as of last week, you are officially bf/gf, yet you are getting riled up over flirtatious texts that happened over a month ago...before she agreed to exclusivity? Have you considered that she may have been testing the water to see if you were compatible? She may not have felt inclined to reveal her sexual activities since you weren't a couple. Granted, she should have told you that was her business and she wasn't discussing the matter with you instead of lying.

 

What I find interesting is that you invaded her privacy after becoming bf/gf. Has she stepped out of line in the week that you've been committed to one another?

[smackie9]

OK so you now get the gist that this girl isn't for you. Cut off contact and simply move on. Giving her some lecture about it is mute. You are just going to have to let it go.

[knabe]

Ok I don't care how many guys a girl sleeps with before me. It's the fact she was sleeping with him while taking me seriously. And then lying to me face about it. I don't care if she slept with 20 guys before me. I have morals and don't believe in screwing to people at once. To me morally that feels very wrong.Would any of you want to be with some that you knew was having sex with some other person while supposedly taking you seriously dating???

 

 

Then break up. What's the problem? Or do you just want to beat on and on about it and make her suffer first?

[smackie9]

She's just gonna say "whatever" and go back to screwin the other guy.