lovephule Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 No, I guess that would change it, but then what reasoning would you use for the next time...?? Seems like that's only something someone can pull one or two times..After a few times, I would think any guy that wasn't just a desperate moron would see the game and bow out.. Definitely was a hypothetical. I'm a niche taste with niche tastes, who tends towards tunnel vision. But I have had a guy I was interested in turn cool after thinking I was on a date when I was out with family. 1
lovephule Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 And might I add that I do feel some jealousy pangs when the one does go out on dates and ignores me!! How do you know when he's on specifically dates and not otherwise occupied?
grays Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I never felt like 'shopping' on date 1 or date 100. If I agree on going on a date with a guy, it is because I see a big potential to develop a relationship with him (it is much easier to do a prescreen with online dates and therefore I prefer this method of dating, I'd never ever go on cold approach date). There must be intentional deceit or misrepresentation for me to change my opinion to negative after date 1. Date 2-3 etc I treat as a start of a relationship (can be short term), not like shopping for a dude. Well, shopping wasnt my word, i think i took that from FTY. But I will tell you that Im never sold on someone completely after 1, 2, or 3 dates. I may really enjoy them but I rarely would feel like putting all my eggs in one basket at that point. Also, not everyone I date even has real potential to be in a relationship. So, like my current "boyfriend", he's an awesome person and I have great affection and respect for him but he's 15 years younger than me and wants to have kids. He likes it that I'm dating other people because he wants to be able to keep his eye out for his future baby-mama. I think I'd probably feel sad the day he says he's found that person, but I'll also feel happy for him and feel like it's the right thing for everyone. Im kinda facing the multi-dating issue again right now bc I just met someone yesterday (I know, like I needed another ball to jugle, lol). He said something that makes it feel like maybe he hasnt dated in a while or at least hasnt had sex in a while. There's a big part of me that feels like I cant dismantle my whole sexual/romantic/cuddly support system for this guy. If i did that, I think there's a good chance Id regret it in a couple of weeks when it turns out he's just like all the other guys after all. And from what I've seen (of humanity, not him personally) there's a damn good chance of that. OTOH, we have really kinda sparked and I dont wanna tell him Im seeing other people or see other people without telling him. I think I have to bow out of my other activities for a few days at least to see where this goes. But you know, right now I dont feel like I know this guy anywhere near enough to know if Im gonna like him next week. I dont feel bad about calling this shopping -- it just means I need to get to know him before I rearrange my life for him. I am very open to him but I'm not foolhardy. FTY, you make it sound like I, or more generally people who multi-date, aren't thoughtful about their partners. Thats not true about me at all. Im very attached to the three main guys in my rotation and I treat them well out of genuine care and affection for them. I dont take any of this lightly.
mortensorchid Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I don't know you based on what you have posted, but I will go by other opinions and information ... You are in the "I'm not sure what I want" phase following your post divorce life. Is that what you are in? If so that's okay that you are seeing two guys. One of them knows about the other but the other does not know? Well ... I wouldn't want to be in the Knowing One's shoes. He will always know he is the second choice compared to the first guy. And he will resent you eventually. Please don't be a user - don't take advantage of the first guy who is in the dark about it, I feel for him. Chances are you won't end up with either one of them because they will feel used / taken advantage of ultimately and not like you one bit for it. Do not consider LTR with either of them. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 (edited) FTY, you make it sound like I, or more generally people who multi-date, aren't thoughtful about their partners. Thats not true about me at all. Im very attached to the three main guys in my rotation and I treat them well out of genuine care and affection for them. I dont take any of this lightly. Sorry if it came across that way....but if I am honest, the one main primary reason I wouldn't do it(assuming I was the one guy with multiple women) is that I would feel bad for whoever else I wasn't with while with the other...So, yeah, sure, that would mean I am being considerate of the feelings of others instead of satisfying my own desire for variety... And the primary reason why I wouldn't be one of the guys in your "rotation' is that I am not Beta enough to tolerate being someones selective option/whim....Even if that deal benefited my own self interests(being able to see other women at the same time, like you are).. Like I said previously, if it works for you, then terrific...you have my best wishes... TFY Edited September 9, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 1
Steve51 Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 I started dating two girls when I was 11. True story and got in trouble for it too. When I was 19 lived with a girlfriend but we both dated other people too. I never told her about my dates and she never told me about hers. Best that way. You would think you want to know so your imagination does not run wild but the truth hurts worse since you know it really did happen and that what you were told was the watered down version. I never got jealous. When I was with one girl, she was the center of my world. I had self confidence so I did not fear competition. I never asked the girls who else they dated and did not care. I left that girlfriend when she asked my friends to gang bang her. This is true also. My sex life was like a porn movie. Here is my advice. My wife shared me with her best friend for most of our marriage and we both had sex with others. Less than 10 in 45 years which is a slow month for some others we know. I have read all I could about this and those who work with people into poly relationships or dating end up choosing one to relieve the stress of dating or being in a relationship with two. Dating two people is a logistical nightmare as you cannot be in two places at one time. You may find that both guys made plans for the weekend and you have no one to date. They will not feel anything to you and may get grabbed up by a girl who wants to be exclusive. The way it works is that guys don't like when their girlfriends have sex with others but will put up with it as long as they are getting sex and they have no feelings for the other girl. The only reason our poly triad worked was because the girl was a lifelong friend and bi like my wife. If she only had sex with my wife and not me, I doubt that it would have worked out. You start to get into how much time you spent with each and who do you see on major holidays, etc.. Jealousy usually rears its ugly head sooner or later. My suggestion is that you decide if you are a poly person able to handle multiple relationships on a non exclusive basis or want monogamy. Most poly relationships do not last very long. Then again half of monogamous marries end in divorce too. It boils down to what you want but poly is stressful and much more difficult than monogamy. Right now you risk losing one or both guys. No one person can meet all the needs of another which is why we had three people in our relationship. Four if you count our girlfriend's husband.
Miss Spider Posted September 9, 2017 Posted September 9, 2017 (edited) Grays, it doesn't sound like you are multidating the first guy more like in an open short term relationship or FwB. To my understanding, ' multidating' is seeing more than one person, with or without their knowledge(usually without), to figure out where you want it to go with one of them. So you could potentially a monogamous future with the guy 2 even though you are casual now and you are feeling a bit guilty about it.... Edited September 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author mejustme Posted September 10, 2017 Author Posted September 10, 2017 No, not if you are happy. There is NO RIGHT way to date. Each person needs to come up with expectations, boundaries that are acceptable or not. Were you cheated on? Why the need to be with both? Is it b/c you feel that if you lose one, you'll always have the other around to fall back on? Dangerous and futile game and you'll get badly burned. Which one goes on other dates? Perhaps that is the one you should drop? Who is more keen on you? No one can tell you which one is for you as you know best what you like and will not accept. Perhaps you are waiting for one or the other to commit to something exclusive. Neither have, right? I would say the one that does, you give it a go. I was cheated on twice by my ex husband. The first time I wanted to work on things and give it a chance, the second time I was DONE!! I always try to give things one chance and if it doesn't work, I'm out. Figure if I didn't try, I'd never know...well that came back to bite me in the ask.
coolheadal Posted September 10, 2017 Posted September 10, 2017 I have been dating two guys currently...but I am having a hard time with it. When I am with one I feel bad for the other. I am very open and honest with the one, but I know the other would not have it. Not that we have had the exclusivity talk, but he just doesn't seem to be that way. I have become romanticly involved now with both men, but it doesn't seem right to me. I am drawn to both for different reasons. At what point do you stop dating one of them? I was married for 13 years, only dated one guy after my divorce and stayed with only him for 3 years until he screwed me over again and again. Now I just don't want to be serious with any guy. Is this normal? I dated multiple men in my 20's but not in my 40's, so I guess I really don't know how. Am I doing this dating thing right? And might I add that I do feel some jealousy pangs when the one does go out on dates and ignores me!! You sound like your damage in some way now. So you don't want one guy you want more than one because this way you don't have to feel guilty giving your all to one guy. I am sure they have more than one woman also. So you all in this fun way of living today. I see nothing wrong with the way your going about it. You don't want to remarry ever again, and you like the new challenge of dating more than one guy. Keep doing what makes you happy, today you can only do things that you like in your case date more than one guy and if it fails you have a backup plan with the other guy. 1
NexttP Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 So then what does one do if you still receive the morning text's and the "hey hoes your day" text? Just don't reply? That depends if you feel that he really was with someone for the time for not. You can ask him. I mean, honesty is key right? If you don't ask, he won't tell. But if you ask, he has to tell. Then the question still follows, do you want to be someone's second choice? There is a social behavior - given a social group. If two people in the group decides to date, they keep it hush hush until it works out in a few weeks/months. If they had announced it or were found out early on, they pretty much just destroyed any potential relationship with anyone else in the group because everyone else would be 2nd choice. Same thing with facebook status. The moment you announce a relationship you just crossed everyone on your friendlist off. Repeat: People prefer ghosting over letting you know, so they don't burn bridges.
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 You're letting you past control you. I'd also say hat you don't like either enough.
stillafool Posted September 13, 2017 Posted September 13, 2017 I have been dating two guys currently...but I am having a hard time with it. When I am with one I feel bad for the other. I am very open and honest with the one, but I know the other would not have it. Not that we have had the exclusivity talk, but he just doesn't seem to be that way. I have become romanticly involved now with both men, but it doesn't seem right to me. I am drawn to both for different reasons. At what point do you stop dating one of them? I was married for 13 years, only dated one guy after my divorce and stayed with only him for 3 years until he screwed me over again and again. Now I just don't want to be serious with any guy. Is this normal? I dated multiple men in my 20's but not in my 40's, so I guess I really don't know how. Am I doing this dating thing right? And might I add that I do feel some jealousy pangs when the one does go out on dates and ignores me!! Since you aren't looking to be serious with any man definitely date as many as you like as long as you let each know you aren't looking for anything serious and are dating other men. You don't have to say how many.
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