mejustme Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 I have been dating two guys currently...but I am having a hard time with it. When I am with one I feel bad for the other. I am very open and honest with the one, but I know the other would not have it. Not that we have had the exclusivity talk, but he just doesn't seem to be that way. I have become romanticly involved now with both men, but it doesn't seem right to me. I am drawn to both for different reasons. At what point do you stop dating one of them? I was married for 13 years, only dated one guy after my divorce and stayed with only him for 3 years until he screwed me over again and again. Now I just don't want to be serious with any guy. Is this normal? I dated multiple men in my 20's but not in my 40's, so I guess I really don't know how. Am I doing this dating thing right? And might I add that I do feel some jealousy pangs when the one does go out on dates and ignores me!!
Nogan Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 I think you set these expectations from the beginning, particularly before sleeping with them. I personally stay the hell away from women "not looking to date" unless I know it's just a sex thing. It's effectively the female equivalence of the guys who try to sleep with anything that moves
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) I think it's normal to have a phase where you don't want anything serious. I am in your shoes kind of right now with multidating 2 guys. Have you kissed yet. I just had two dates two days in a row and kissed two different guys. I feel pretty gross about it. I think it's selfish and has some cons,, but some pros too. My parents did it back in the day. Until you decide which guy you want to commit to, I guess it's okay. But if it starts feeling "wrong" then I'd stop. Are you 50-50 split between them or is there one you're leaning towards? Edited September 7, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 There is one of them that you do like more, maybe not for the logical or practical reasons and that's why you're keeping the other one, but you do like one of them more than the other. There's nothing wrong with dating a few guys at once, as long as they know it.
NexttP Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) Aha, that last line made me chuckle a bit. You sort of answered your own question. Although that doesn't solve your underlying problem.My take on it is "if you're okay with them doing it too." Otherwise you're just a hypocrite, okay for you to do but not okay for them. Now, feeling jealous is not a factor, it's whether or not you are okay with them doing it. So, keep dating multiple people but you must allow them to do the same if they choose to. Remember, dating is just dating. There is no commitment, no expectation, everything is up for grabs. Okay, on to your other questions. First I'm going to guess a few things. I guess that either your ex-husband was just absolutely terrible so you had no choice but to leave him, or he's the one that left you. I say this because if you had willingly left him when he's not terrible, you wouldn't be having such a hard time looking for someone else. Anyway, you say you are drawn to these two men for different reasons. I'm assuming it is one or two of these things - attraction (good looking, funny, smart, etc.), good company (similar values, belief, thought process, habits, likes/dislikes, etc.), and trust (reliable, makes you feel somewhat safe). I say one or two because if it was all three then you wouldn't have trouble deciding. So my point is.. find a guy who meets all three, then make sure that he's ready to commit. That's when you stop dating others. As for not wanting to be serious with other guys due to that bad experience of being used and taken advantage of, yup. That's perfectly normal and anyone that has ever been hurt (pretty much everyone) has that tendency. However, those that find love again are those that are willing to keep looking while at the same time not put themselves at risk (didn't think you can do that did you). Which is why you have to establish that trust (which unfortunately takes time). Keep at it. But from the way you explained, neither these two guys are it. Edited September 7, 2017 by NexttP 1
planb1973 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 Oh the problems of dating too many people... I totally get where you are at. After a few bad relationships I gave up on wanting anything serious and just dated, surprisingly as I was a bit emotionally unavailable I found myself quite popular with women. But a particular experience recently taught me a lot about dating multiple women and who to choose. As I was dating a few women and trying to figure out who I should stick with I met a woman randomly who immediately caught my attention. For the first time in years my heart suddenly didn't want anyone else. After a couple of weeks I let anything I had going on go and concentrated on this one woman. Though it only lasted a couple of months what I learned was that when I am dating multiple woman it is that I am not that into any of them. When the right one comes along you will just not have interest in anyone else. 1
stillafool Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 Do both men know you are dating them both?
lurker74 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 I try to be clear about non exclusivity when I am in it. The fact that one of the guys would not have it and you don't tell him means that you are likely violating your conscience, which may be the primary source of your feelings of guilt. Listen to your conscience. If you kill that voice, you become someone different. THe hard part for me is when I start seeing someone I really like...I'm not always great at letting the other women know that I am no longer interested. Saying that to someone is uncomfortable. But ghosting is more uncomfortable so I do it anyway.
Author mejustme Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Do both men know you are dating them both? One does, and the other does not.
Author mejustme Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 I try to be clear about non exclusivity when I am in it. The fact that one of the guys would not have it and you don't tell him means that you are likely violating your conscience, which may be the primary source of your feelings of guilt. Listen to your conscience. If you kill that voice, you become someone different. THe hard part for me is when I start seeing someone I really like...I'm not always great at letting the other women know that I am no longer interested. Saying that to someone is uncomfortable. But ghosting is more uncomfortable so I do it anyway. Actually I think the one who knows that I am dating another guy is slowly pulling away. I'm thinking he found someone else that he is more interested in. Which is fine with me, but what makes me angry, is that I specifically asked him to be honest with me. I explained to him that I would just like to know how serious he may be getting with the other person should that person come along. One thing I have learned is that I do not do well with rejection, which is why I asked for him to let me know instead of him just phasing me out. We went from seeing each other two nights a week and talking or texting every night to seeing each other once every other week and talking or texting in the morning only. His response time is majorly delayed. As I have said I am fine if he doesn't want to see me agin, or if he has become uninterested. But, I just asked that he let me know. In fact I just texted him today saying this exact thing again. And his response was, " aw, sorry youbfeel this way. I've just been preocupoied with school starting" he's a teacher.
NexttP Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Actually I think the one who knows that I am dating another guy is slowly pulling away. I'm thinking he found someone else that he is more interested in. Which is fine with me, but what makes me angry, is that I specifically asked him to be honest with me. I explained to him that I would just like to know how serious he may be getting with the other person should that person come along. One thing I have learned is that I do not do well with rejection, which is why I asked for him to let me know instead of him just phasing me out. We went from seeing each other two nights a week and talking or texting every night to seeing each other once every other week and talking or texting in the morning only. His response time is majorly delayed. As I have said I am fine if he doesn't want to see me agin, or if he has become uninterested. But, I just asked that he let me know. In fact I just texted him today saying this exact thing again. And his response was, " aw, sorry youbfeel this way. I've just been preocupoied with school starting" he's a teacher. Here is the thing about "letting someone know," it's basically burning a bridge. So let's say someone told you "I found someone" but a few months later he comes back with "That didn't work out, how about dinner?" How does that make you feel? You won't say yes to that would you? Why wouldn't you? Because now you're at best the 2nd choice. You shouldn't let yourself be 2nd choice. However, if someone ghosts you (or keep communication to a minimum without completely rejecting you) then you'd still be "first choice" should he come back weeks/months later. At least that's how your heart will interpret it. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 One man's perspective.... No way in hell would I participate in some woman's dating Wheel of Fortune... Just looking at it from the outside, assuming I found someone visually attractive, id know with a 20 minute phone conversation if I thought they were worthy of the next step....Then Id give that person a fair shot without playing some shell game.. I dunno...So I guess none of you worry that if you click well with a guy and he knows you are "shopping" him and he bails, that wouldn't worry you?? I can see that happening easily... TFY 3
Author mejustme Posted September 8, 2017 Author Posted September 8, 2017 Here is the thing about "letting someone know," it's basically burning a bridge. So let's say someone told you "I found someone" but a few months later he comes back with "That didn't work out, how about dinner?" How does that make you feel? You won't say yes to that would you? Why wouldn't you? Because now you're at best the 2nd choice. You shouldn't let yourself be 2nd choice. However, if someone ghosts you (or keep communication to a minimum without completely rejecting you) then you'd still be "first choice" should he come back weeks/months later. At least that's how your heart will interpret it. So then what does one do if you still receive the morning text's and the "hey hoes your day" text? Just don't reply?
grays Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 I dunno...So I guess none of you worry that if you click well with a guy and he knows you are "shopping" him and he bails, that wouldn't worry you?? I can see that happening easily... TFY Im not sure what you mean? Are you saying we should all be faithful before the first date? Just in case a guy is like, "oh no i cant date you because we werent exclusive prior to knowing each other." Im not sure Id like to date a guy like that. And the first few dates are always shopping. Youre not married at that point no matter how many people youre dating. Youre definitely trying to size them up and decide whether it works for you. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) Im not sure what you mean? Are you saying we should all be faithful before the first date? Just in case a guy is like, "oh no i cant date you because we werent exclusive prior to knowing each other." Im not sure Id like to date a guy like that. And the first few dates are always shopping. Youre not married at that point no matter how many people youre dating. Youre definitely trying to size them up and decide whether it works for you. No...this is not that difficult a concept to understand... It's a moot point with me, but for the sake of discussion, I wouldn't bother dating(making out, screwing, etc) someone that I didn't think was legitimately worthy of relationship consideration...If I was interested in someone else at the same time, I would pick the better of the two..I wouldn't start dating the other(or several) person(s)...I'd give it a fair opportunity, if it didn't work out, then I would move on to someone else...I'm not going to "juggle" people around...Nor would I be one the of the juggled...It's just not in my DNA... I'm pretty selective, and know exactly what I want....I can rule women out quite easily... I know this is not your philosophy...And that's fine...I don;t need to actually date someone to "size them up"...And if I am sizing up, I can do it one at a time..I can't fathom how you guys do it....Like you have a good few dates with some guy, and things are going well, excitedly he asks you what you are doing for the upcoming weekend....What do you say at that point...."oh, sorry, I am going to the movies Saturday with Jim and on Sunday there is this other guy that asked me to go boating"..? How at that point then do you think guy A feels??...My guess is not that many of you care..*shrug* I dunno..I suppose if all parties are aware and col with it, then it's fine for them...I read another thread recently where a female poster mentioned she was actively dating two guys, one she was crazy about and the other she wasn't really into at all........but was still dating him, "because he was sweet and intelligent"...ugh.....grow up... TFY Edited September 8, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 2
Miss Spider Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) I see both grays and fty points. I have to admit I was scared balls going out with the guy B, thinking I might run into guy A and have some 'splainin to do. I understand grays point of view and it's part of why I started multidating again for real this time. It's preached here strongly as part of female game (particularly online) NOT to focus on one guy until you are exclusive, that way you are not wasting time and missing out on opportunities and getting too 'invested', especially since only 1/9999 guys you meet online works out. It's just a different world... Also, for people who are poly, of course.but I think all people should be privy to that I am monogamous inclined so I get Fty too!! It's actually why I felt guilty. I know that I am lying by omission to these guys. I'm not "cheating on them", but I am cheating them, because I am keeping information from them that I know would change their position and feelings about me. If you tell them, they know, I think it's fine. I feel really bad about what I did. Edited September 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
lovephule Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Like you have a good few dates with some guy, and things are going well, excitedly he asks you what you are doing for the upcoming weekend....What do you say at that point...."oh, sorry, I am going to the movies Saturday with Jim and on Sunday there is this other guy that asked me to go boating"..? How at that point then do you think guy A feels??...My guess is not that many of you care..*shrug* TFY What's wrong with saying, "movies Saturday, boating Sunday?" Why does Jim have to be name checked? 2
thefooloftheyear Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 (edited) What's wrong with saying, "movies Saturday, boating Sunday?" Why does Jim have to be name checked? So what if he then says "hey, I love boating and I am free on Sunday, is there room for another"?? What would you say..?? "err....uhhh.....well...":laugh: But in reality, there is essentially nothing "wrong", but then Id assume(so may many others) that person was seeing other people....and they may then bail...I know I would...So while some may have never considered that possibility, if they think everyone is going to be on board with it, the reality is some won't, so it may be worth some consideration if one in your rotation you really favor winds up ditching out....(like it seems the one in the OP's thread) did...She got angry and upset about it, but she doesn't realize that maybe her own indecisiveness may have been her undoing... So I guess if the risks weigh out then its ok...for some.. Understand I am not calling anyone out on it....I just don't get it...Its not for me and I would see no reason to do it or participate in it.. TFY Edited September 8, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Am I doing this dating thing right? And might I add that I do feel some jealousy pangs when the one does go out on dates and ignores me!! No, not if you are happy. There is NO RIGHT way to date. Each person needs to come up with expectations, boundaries that are acceptable or not. Were you cheated on? Why the need to be with both? Is it b/c you feel that if you lose one, you'll always have the other around to fall back on? Dangerous and futile game and you'll get badly burned. Which one goes on other dates? Perhaps that is the one you should drop? Who is more keen on you? No one can tell you which one is for you as you know best what you like and will not accept. Perhaps you are waiting for one or the other to commit to something exclusive. Neither have, right? I would say the one that does, you give it a go. 1
No_Go Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Im not sure what you mean? Are you saying we should all be faithful before the first date? Just in case a guy is like, "oh no i cant date you because we werent exclusive prior to knowing each other." Im not sure Id like to date a guy like that. And the first few dates are always shopping. Youre not married at that point no matter how many people youre dating. Youre definitely trying to size them up and decide whether it works for you. I never felt like 'shopping' on date 1 or date 100. If I agree on going on a date with a guy, it is because I see a big potential to develop a relationship with him (it is much easier to do a prescreen with online dates and therefore I prefer this method of dating, I'd never ever go on cold approach date). There must be intentional deceit or misrepresentation for me to change my opinion to negative after date 1. Date 2-3 etc I treat as a start of a relationship (can be short term), not like shopping for a dude. 1
lovephule Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 So what if he then says "hey, I love boating and I am free on Sunday, is there room for another"?? What would you say..?? "err....uhhh.....well...":laugh: "I'd much rather have you all to myself, how's dinner on Tuesday sound?" But in reality, there is essentially nothing "wrong", but then Id assume(so may many others) that person was seeing other people....and they may then bail...I know I would... True, it's happened to me, even when I was merely out and not on a date.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 No, not if you are happy. There is NO RIGHT way to date. Each person needs to come up with expectations, boundaries that are acceptable or not. Were you cheated on? Why the need to be with both? Is it b/c you feel that if you lose one, you'll always have the other around to fall back on? Dangerous and futile game and you'll get badly burned. Which one goes on other dates? Perhaps that is the one you should drop? Who is more keen on you? No one can tell you which one is for you as you know best what you like and will not accept. Perhaps you are waiting for one or the other to commit to something exclusive. Neither have, right? I would say the one that does, you give it a go. Dog on it, I meant...No, not if you are NOT happy.
thefooloftheyear Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 "I'd much rather have you all to myself, how's dinner on Tuesday sound?" . "Really??...nah....I'm busy then....tell you what,..I'll let you know when I feel like getting together again...K?...." I'ts a hypothetical, but your response is too "cute" or contrived to sound legitimate...I'd just assume you were shopping... TFY
lovephule Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 "Really??...nah....I'm busy then....tell you what,..I'll let you know when I feel like getting together again...ok...." I'ts a hypothetical, but your response is too "cute" or contrived to sound legitimate...I'd just assume you were shopping... TFY Let's say I was boating with family or female friends and stated that explicitly, would your response be the same?
thefooloftheyear Posted September 8, 2017 Posted September 8, 2017 Let's say I was boating with family or female friends and stated that explicitly, would your response be the same? No, I guess that would change it, but then what reasoning would you use for the next time...?? Seems like that's only something someone can pull one or two times..After a few times, I would think any guy that wasn't just a desperate moron would see the game and bow out.. I dunno....I wouldn't want to have to deceive, dodge and/or stall people like that...Not my bag,....Or maybe even worry that if the guys you were dating all lived in the same general area that you wind up running into one of the guys while you were out with another at a restaurant or something....ugh...who needs that..i don't.. TFY
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