Can a MM post here?

[Neptune]

newbby,

I guess my comments were intended for G&BG but really all those who posted about being in a similar situation. I have not tried to help someone about an affair but have with drug addiction and it struck me as almost identical.

[newbby]

neptune, ah, sorry, i am having a self obsessed moment.

g&bg, i'm sorry aswell!

neptune, it might be interesting to put a new thread up about this. if you have alot of helpful knowledge about how to cope with the addiction.

[Body Guard]

I found this on a website...I don't remember where. I am not implying anyone is stalking...lol. It is the reference to the off again and on again stuff and the turning a love relationship into a friendship that I found of interest. It might be worth a read. It is about the games we play with our minds and other people.

 

I am not going to post to either sides of the triangle. Just read the information and really think about your actions. We all have choices in our lives and the adult thing to do is stop feeling like you can't control them. You are in control of your life. To be in control, you have to make a choice and act on it. That is the only way through it. That is a lesson for all of life, not just EMR's.

 

Best of luck to you and what ever you choose.

 

 

 

 

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Despite a growing body of research in the past five years, stalking is still very misunderstood by the public, the courts and law enforcement. For practical purposes there are three types of stalking. Relationship stalking occurs when a couple breaks up. But that is not stalking in a legal sense. It just looks like and feels like stalking. Obsessional stalking develops because of the way the couple interacted and the way they broke up. Obsessional stalking is a psychological problem that has many causes but in general it is the result of an "on again" and "off again" relationship as was well as a "desire and fear of a relationship" in one person and "fear of separation and loss" in the other. The childhood of at least one these people is usually emotionally barren or emotionally abusive. Delusional stalking occurs when a mental disorder causes the person to become obsessed or fixated on some unsuspecting person because of what amounts to a medical condition. In some cases a severe psychological obsession becomes delusional. The delusional stalker becomes irrational and fixated on people like movie stars, a public figure, a co-worker or even a former intimate relationship.

 

Nearly 90% of all college students who break up will engage in what is called "unwanted pursuit behavior". Pursuit behavior includes writing notes, giving gifts, making phone calls, contacting friends, following the person or intruding in their life. This can border and easily cross the line and become an obsession. What researcher’s find interesting is that pursuit behavior is normal. If Jane dissolves a relationship with Bob, then it is very common for Bob to pursue Jane as a means to restore the relationship. Researchers call this a "relationship repair mechanism." Some people and even the courts mistakenly call this stalking.

 

For some men and women it is an especially difficult task to transform a deep sexual and emotional bond into a mere friendship. People with traumatic childhoods involving death and loss of a loved one have an especially difficult time. The person being "dumped" will usually have the hardest time because they are either surprised, hurt or they are made to feel like their life and reputation is ruined. Human beings have not found healthy ways to just stop feeling. They act to feel better in the moment and tend to disregard or minimize the consequences and impact of their behavior on others. Drugs and alcohol are certainly not solutions and make matters worse.

 

There are differences between the way men and women stalk each other. More men than women engage in bolder forms of pursuit such as showing up at a doorstep late at night "just wanting to talk". Men are less afraid to sneak around someone’s house to see if their girlfriend is with someone else. Women generally do their stalking by day or in public.

 

So what happens when a woman dissolves the relationship, tells Bob to stop pursuing her, but then she pursues Bob or gives him hope that they could have a relationship? Behavioral scientists say the unwanted pursuit is now "wanted." Wanted pursuit behavior includes writing back, returning phone calls, talking to the person, leaving messages, giving them hugs and otherwise encouraging and rewarding Bob’s pursuit of Jane. Having sex with Bob after repeatedly breaking up is definitely a mistake. Claiming she is the victim after a willing expression of sexual intimacy with a person she claims is stalking her is probably denial. Reporting this to the police that she is being stalked the next day after having sex is probably "false crime reporting."

 

Obsessive relationships are not hard to create. Bob will become obsessed if Jane tells him to leave her alone while at the same time she is telling Bob she loves him and they were meant to be together. Bob will get even more obsessed when he hears that Jane has told Bob’s friends how much she loves him, what a jerk he can be and she just can’t be with him. Most guys like Bob might say "Forget it!", but Bob will start to feel more and more like repairing the relationship if Jane continues to intrude into his life.

 

Men and women become especially obsessed in a relationship when they experience a double bind. The most powerful double bind is "I love you, go away." Saying or expressing this over and over to anyone can be a sick game. What happens when Bob and Jane repeatedly break up and restore the relationship? They both start to fall apart and blame the other person. At this point Jane and Bob are both part of the problem. It is not fair to call it stalking when two people are essentially intruding and stalking each other. There are no victims of stalking when there is mutual pursuit.

[newbby]

yes, interesting! i have often wondered about the pull of the ow/mm relationship, and it is just this. the i love you, go away thing.

so its all just a psychological hook.

i would never, i have to say, contact him, if he made it clear that he did not want to be contacted. it is only when he actually is speaking to me or does not block me, that i have ever spoken to him. this is the first time he has actually blocked me, and in a way it is a relief, because with a straightforward rejection, one can actually be free to get over it.

the trap is when they do not tell you what is actually going on with them and leave you to guess, or reject you in some ways but keep you there in others.

g&bg, i guess this also answers your questions about what the best way to let your friend go is, it is kinder to be blunt, and then stick to it.